There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
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It used to be if you wanted to have an affair it took some effort. You had to arrange secret calls and rendezvous and sneak around -- not anymore.
Today’s technology has provided easier and easier ways for partners to cheat on one another. And sadly, text message cheating has become a simple way to cheat without much work at all.
What makes it even more confusing is that sometimes cheating via text isn’t even intentional. Regardless of intention, text message cheating happens a lot and can wreak havoc on a relationship.
Not sure what I mean? See if this sounds familiar.
Someone gets your cell number (a coworker, someone from the gym, a person you met at a party) and starts sending you friendly texts. Before you know it you’re having full conversations by text, sometimes several times a day. And most problematic is that because it’s by text you can do so anytime, anywhere.
It's pretty common for cheating partners to be cheating by texting messages right in front of their unknowing partner.
I've had partners tell me that it happened when they were lying next to each other in bed, riding in the car together, and standing in the kitchen talking to each other. The phone beeps or buzzes and the partner responds to a text that is explained away as just a friend or coworker, but is really the other woman or other man.
Here’s an interesting example of text cheating:
We have had problems since December when I found out she was in a texting affair. We worked through that, but in February she developed a very close friendship with another woman. I started suspecting something was not right with this friendship so I confronted her and she became mad and defensive. Well it seemed ok until she started texting her like 100 times a day, then she started running into to her wherever she went. I think they were doing it on purpose, so I asked her and she became very angry again saying I was over analyzing it." -Rick
Here’s another case showing men and women are equally vulnerable:
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3.5 years and we are both thinking about getting married. I love him, I love spending time with him, and I really want to be married, but I'm also very worried that I can't trust him not to cheat. From the very beginning it has been difficult for him to stop being always on the lookout for someone to flirt with or date, even though we are together. He had an extremely inappropriate texting relationship with a girl he briefly dated in college, which went on for the first year and a half of our relationship." -Tonya
All cheating causes pain, but because text message cheating can literally happen while together with your partner it can be especially hurtful. It doesn’t take physical contact with someone else to cause deep wounds and break the trust that’s so crucial to a healthy relationship.
As you can see, texting can cross the line and become a problem with any kind of relationship. It may not be physical cheating, but emotional infidelity, which can involve forming deep emotional connections or romantic attachments with someone other than your partner, is equally as painful and damaging.
So, what are some signs of text message cheating?
Here are 3 signs:
Another sign is,
More egregious ways cheating via text occurs are:
The boundaries of what constitutes cheating can vary from one relationship to another. It's crucial to have open and honest communication with your partner about what’s considered acceptable and unacceptable behavior within your relationship.
Unfortunately, today's technology offers many ways to have a texting affair and keep it secret.
Dealing with a cheating partner is tricky, no matter how it’s happening.
The pain and betrayal can stir-up many strong emotions, especially anger.
These feelings can cause people to act in ways that simply make things worse and lead to even more hurt, particularly if you’re mistaken about your suspicions.
There are things you can do, however, to help determine whether there may be something to worry about.
One thing to do to uncover text message cheating is to ask to look at your partner's phone and watch their reaction. Their behavior after your request will typically reveal more than anything you could ever find on their phone.
I was counseling a troubled couple recently and he had been suspected of cheating. When she asked to see his phone, he wouldn't give it to her, but after a long fight he held it up 3 feet away from her face and flipped through the screens. Then he locked it and walked away.
Suspicious behavior? You bet.
Was he hiding something? Yep.
There’re many excuses that can be given as to why the contents of a phone cannot be shared, but keep in mind that very, very few of us really have justifiable reasons why our partner cannot look through our phone. And if your partner says they do, be very skeptical.
And, unfortunately, texting isn’t the only way technology can be used to facilitate an affair. Facebook and Instagram also provide covert ways for partners to cheat. Once again, smart phones provide many convenient and stealthy means for someone to cheat.
If your partner is engaging in behaviors that make you uncomfortable or you feel like they’re cheating via text or any other means, it's essential to initiate a conversation to share your concerns.
Although cheating by text can be obvious at times, it’s also one of the easiest forms of cheating to hide.
If you suspect your partner of using texting to cheat, keep the following in mind:
Healthy relationships are built on transparency and trust. When you don't have that your relationship is going to be very susceptible to the development of text message cheating.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published September 14, 2015, updated on October 22, 2019, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
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Wow does this sound familiar... Been with my guy off and on for 18 years for the same reasons, always actions are at his instigation but no responsibility for it.
I've been dealing with this for 2 yrs. now. My husband of 14 yrs. has been cheating (I'm not going to call it text cheating, because it's flat out cheating) on me with a married woman he works with so that's a double whammy. It has brought us to the brink of divorce. The problem I see with my cheater is that he just doesn't feel like he's doing anything wrong. Texting can be a very intimate way to communicate with someone if you allow it to be. I would advise counselling very strongly but don't wait. My husband is in counseling right now but I think it's already too late for us. Once the trust has been broken too many times its just gets to be too late to put yourself in that vulnerable position again. Every noise his phone makes, everytime he picks it up, everytime he walks out of the room with his phone, my mind goes right to, "What's he hiding" I have forgiven and trusted too many times and got my heart stomped on every time. Now that I have divorce papers he is doing everything he can to turn things around but I don't have much hope for us. So please go get counselling right now. I waited too long before I demanded he go and get help. Hopefully it helps with his next relationship.
Tina, You're right, it is cheating. It's good he is getting counseling. But there is hope - I've seen and helped many couples overcome infidelity and come out stronger for it. Only you know if leaving is right for you, but it might be good to seek out counseling before making any life altering decisions. -Dr. Kurt
My husband has been texting a female co-worker every day for the last three months. Sometimes they text eachother every hour on the hour. If we go out for dinner, he'll go to the bathroom to text her. He doesn't know I know that, but I'll check his phone the next morning, and when he goes to the bathroom at a restaurant, i remember the time. It's the same time he texted her. I told him about a month into it that it bothered me and I asked him to stop. He actually did for about a week. Then it started up again. I told him again about a week ago that it really bothered me. He's switching jobs soon and told me that I didn't have to worry any longer because he wouldn't be seeing her. I asked him if he was going to stop texting her after he switched jobs. He said "absolutely not". He said she's my friend and I will never stop texting her. He called me crazy, psychotic and nuts for feeling threatened by their texting. He said that I was pushing him away because I didn't allow him to have friends. So, now I feel like I can't even bring up the issue again because he's feeling nagged and smothered by my insecurity. I don't know what to do because it really bothers me that he's texting with another female so much. He doesn't text with me that much. He told me that I had nothing to worry about because she is happily married and that it would be disgusting because she's young enough to be his daughter. He said he wouldn't do anything to jeopardize our marriage. But, he had an emotional affair 3 years ago that we actually almost divorced over. We separated for 5 months after that emotional affair. During that time, he said he had an emotional affair because I wasn't giving him enough attention, having sex with him often enough, paying attention to him, etc. Well...our relationship now is different. We have sex all the time (I am the only one initiated), I always touch him and listen to him and am completely enamored by him. So he can't say he needs the "attention". I'm so confused what to do. He basically told me he would not stop texting her, without caring how it makes me feel. What do I do? He won't go to counseling. We went to counseling 3 years ago and the counselor told us both that married men/married women should not be texting members of the opposite sex. ever. When I reminded him of that he basically said that she was his friend and he wasn't going to stop, no matter how insecure I was.
Lisa, Your husband needs to take responsibility for his inappropriate behavior. While you can't control his behavior, you can control your reaction to it. You also have a voice in your relationship and you need to decide what you're willing to tolerate, and what you're not. If you want to go to counseling, you can go without him if he won't go. Both of you don't need to be there for it to work. Read the other articles in the Cheating Spouse section for suggestions and ideas about what you can do. - Dr. Kurt
Hi, I've been with my fiancé for nearly two years now we do seem to have a really good relationship atm we really love eachother8weve had our ups and downs a couple of break ups. We started as a long distance relationship that started online only seeing each other once every couple of months now we're living together I can't really remember when my problems started for me. But getting to the point my fiance is really secretive with his when using it he Shields it away from me and doesn't really like me going on it but there's been a couple of incidences where he's received texts of girls when we're together I've seen messaging apps on his phone when questioned about it he says he has friends on it who happen to be girls one night he recieved a text from a girl and he quickly swiped it off and I know this is not a good thing to do but I couldn't help but look on his phone and he had text this girl saying hey baby and stuff like that I think I shrugged it off because I didn't want to believe it and I never questioned him but it's always in the back of my mind he also has a lock on his phone which I now know that doesn't phase him he always has his phone with him to I don't want to sound or act paranoid but it's eating at me that he's acting/living like everything is fine between us and he's happy and in love when it's not I just don't want him to break my heart again because I would literally die without him he's my everything he keeps me going my life wouldn't be worth living if I don't have him.
Becky, Hiding things and keeping secrets isn't very loving. He needs to take responsibility for his inappropriate behavior. You have to make a decision about what you want in a relationship. - Dr. Kurt
Married 2 years, i have seen some disturbing message's on his phone where a women coworker sends message saying where's her smile of the day ,i confronted my husband and now im the bad jealous person that don't trust him ,he broke out in a rage ..It's not jealousy i said to him it's been faithfull , weeks went by he admitted to me tht he has been clearing his messages so i checked his phone to see what's been going on i do notice where he deleting the replies. ..He has told me he loves me and that he ain't interested in any other women ,also there's a married couple frds of his well he message the lady but i see he has deleted some of the replies...It's not that im jelous but if 2 go into a marriage it's about been faithful n been committed to one another and be friends as well ...Im just a mess here help