There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
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It used to be if you wanted to have an affair it took some effort. You had to arrange secret calls and rendezvous and sneak around -- not anymore.
Today’s technology has provided easier and easier ways for partners to cheat on one another. And sadly, text message cheating has become a simple way to cheat without much work at all.
What makes it even more confusing is that sometimes cheating via text isn’t even intentional. Regardless of intention, text message cheating happens a lot and can wreak havoc on a relationship.
Not sure what I mean? See if this sounds familiar.
Someone gets your cell number (a coworker, someone from the gym, a person you met at a party) and starts sending you friendly texts. Before you know it you’re having full conversations by text, sometimes several times a day. And most problematic is that because it’s by text you can do so anytime, anywhere.
It's pretty common for cheating partners to be cheating by texting messages right in front of their unknowing partner.
I've had partners tell me that it happened when they were lying next to each other in bed, riding in the car together, and standing in the kitchen talking to each other. The phone beeps or buzzes and the partner responds to a text that is explained away as just a friend or coworker, but is really the other woman or other man.
Here’s an interesting example of text cheating:
We have had problems since December when I found out she was in a texting affair. We worked through that, but in February she developed a very close friendship with another woman. I started suspecting something was not right with this friendship so I confronted her and she became mad and defensive. Well it seemed ok until she started texting her like 100 times a day, then she started running into to her wherever she went. I think they were doing it on purpose, so I asked her and she became very angry again saying I was over analyzing it." -Rick
Here’s another case showing men and women are equally vulnerable:
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3.5 years and we are both thinking about getting married. I love him, I love spending time with him, and I really want to be married, but I'm also very worried that I can't trust him not to cheat. From the very beginning it has been difficult for him to stop being always on the lookout for someone to flirt with or date, even though we are together. He had an extremely inappropriate texting relationship with a girl he briefly dated in college, which went on for the first year and a half of our relationship." -Tonya
All cheating causes pain, but because text message cheating can literally happen while together with your partner it can be especially hurtful. It doesn’t take physical contact with someone else to cause deep wounds and break the trust that’s so crucial to a healthy relationship.
As you can see, texting can cross the line and become a problem with any kind of relationship. It may not be physical cheating, but emotional infidelity, which can involve forming deep emotional connections or romantic attachments with someone other than your partner, is equally as painful and damaging.
So, what are some signs of text message cheating?
Here are 3 signs:
Another sign is,
More egregious ways cheating via text occurs are:
The boundaries of what constitutes cheating can vary from one relationship to another. It's crucial to have open and honest communication with your partner about what’s considered acceptable and unacceptable behavior within your relationship.
Unfortunately, today's technology offers many ways to have a texting affair and keep it secret.
Dealing with a cheating partner is tricky, no matter how it’s happening.
The pain and betrayal can stir-up many strong emotions, especially anger.
These feelings can cause people to act in ways that simply make things worse and lead to even more hurt, particularly if you’re mistaken about your suspicions.
There are things you can do, however, to help determine whether there may be something to worry about.
One thing to do to uncover text message cheating is to ask to look at your partner's phone and watch their reaction. Their behavior after your request will typically reveal more than anything you could ever find on their phone.
I was counseling a troubled couple recently and he had been suspected of cheating. When she asked to see his phone, he wouldn't give it to her, but after a long fight he held it up 3 feet away from her face and flipped through the screens. Then he locked it and walked away.
Suspicious behavior? You bet.
Was he hiding something? Yep.
There’re many excuses that can be given as to why the contents of a phone cannot be shared, but keep in mind that very, very few of us really have justifiable reasons why our partner cannot look through our phone. And if your partner says they do, be very skeptical.
And, unfortunately, texting isn’t the only way technology can be used to facilitate an affair. Facebook and Instagram also provide covert ways for partners to cheat. Once again, smart phones provide many convenient and stealthy means for someone to cheat.
If your partner is engaging in behaviors that make you uncomfortable or you feel like they’re cheating via text or any other means, it's essential to initiate a conversation to share your concerns.
Although cheating by text can be obvious at times, it’s also one of the easiest forms of cheating to hide.
If you suspect your partner of using texting to cheat, keep the following in mind:
Healthy relationships are built on transparency and trust. When you don't have that your relationship is going to be very susceptible to the development of text message cheating.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published September 14, 2015, updated on October 22, 2019, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
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I know that my husband had been stressed about work, our finances and thinking for our future. I am always making sure his needs are met and I give him his space. Just two days ago I was on his laptop and I saw in his browser history what looked like he was searching for massage parlors and then a website would pop up about searching for hook ups. My heart sank at that moment. I then went on his iMessage and looked to see if there was anyone unfamiliar he has been texting and I found one. I opened it up and he had been flirt texting with a former coworker for a little over a month. I scrolled through them and he was sending emoticon kisses and saying I miss you. She sometimes replied similarly. She would send him sent pictures of herself and he would reply gorgeous. I'm so naive to think this wouldn't happen to me. My husband and I are each other's first for everything. We were brought up with the same morals. After reading the iMessage. I quickly replied back to the woman and told her straight forward this is the wife. Have you had any rendezvous? I feel hurt. She did reply back apologize and said they never did anything and that this will stop. I called the husband and confronted him. He initially didn't believe what he was doing is construed as cheating. I said it's the beginning of a possible affair even if you didn't sleep with the person. He thought he was just playful banter between coworkers. And I said not when you are doing so via text messages, now that is crossing the line. I asked him if he still loved me and respects me. He said he does. He said he was sorry and will never allow this to happen again. He blocked the woman's number. Then I told him this should have never happened. I have self dignity. I deserve respect. I am always there for you. I still love you.
I don't want to obsess over this first time indiscretion. I can see the attraction of someone giving you attention. Sometimes you like it more coming from a stranger than a loved one.
I just couldn't get passed the "miss you, kiss emoticons, what are you wearing" texts. Oh and the woman sending provocative pics.
I want to know if I handled the situation well. He and I did have a good open communication after I exposed this possible situation. We were able to talk about a lot of things going on between us and try to be understanding as well.
He said he would have never pursued an intimate/ physical relationship with anyone. I honestly told him you can't play with fire.
I'm glad I found out this early on then 3 or 6 months down.
Oh and if you are curious we allow each other to use each other's phone, laptops. We know each other's passwords. So it's not that he was intentionally hiding from me. He probably thought it was innocent.
So I was at a concert recently, and some girl gave me her number. then pulled me in for a kiss. I shoved her away and got out of there. well I decided to text this person, and it only lasted for a couple of days and I hid any and all evidence because I knew it would crush my girlfriend. Well she found out. Now while some of the things said were bad, I wasn't intentionally trying to do anything. and I blocked said persons number and had absolutely no way of contacting this person. I feel I did nothing wrong other than not tell her. I don't know how to fix this. I didn't want to hurt her so I didn't tell her. It was a one day thing and I regret every single day.
Tyler, You say you didn't want to hurt her, but you did it knowing it would. Trust is earned, so it will take a while to get it back and you'll need to be patient. Read the other articles in the Cheating Spouse section for some suggestions. - Dr. Kurt
Same here, my wife out if nowhere told me she wanted a separation. I have been trying to save our merriage and have come to find out she has been talking to another man the since she told me anout separating. We have been merriad 9 years and it hurts, never in my life did I think she would cheat on me. She tells me she doesnt know what she wants. She loves me but is lost, I am also lost. Looking into merriage counseling.
Dave, That's great you're looking into getting professional counseling. I've seen and helped many couples overcome infidelity so don't give up hope. -Dr. Kurt
I have been w my husband on and off for 12 years. We broke up due to his infidelities 7 years ago..for 2 years..and then again 3.5 years ago for 6 months. He had been cheating on me w his ex wife on and off for the first 8 years of our relationship...denying everything and anything. I am not stupid .. I let him go. Then he came bk after a couple yes..swearing he had changed and that I was his soul mate yadayadaya.. That was 3.5 years ago...we finally married 2.5 years ago.. I thought he had changed until three days ago.when I checked his phone bill.
I have been having nightmares of him cheating and a gut feeling something was going on.
For several days he has been textile g a very young beautiful coworker... I asked him about her..he lied said it was a dude. I said bs..he threw out more lies..then some more and even had her try to lie for him. 300 messages in three days! He tells me he can't text me and kids at work cuz he so busy..but was texting her every 15 min. He deleted all messages and swears it was just innocent emojis..
He can't prove it.. Has changed password to on line acct and phone..says I must be mental and psycho for snooping like a creep..and that he should be allowed to have friends that are girls. He is 40 we have 4 kids at home...one w autism.
I will never trust him again...how could I????
How do u fix this??? He says sorry o my to get me to accept..but I do t and he calls me a bunch of names.
My girlfriend is giving me a choice after I found messages on her phone with a boy who she claimed to be blunt with and claimed to me gnome but when I looked through he was saying he's got picture of her (naked) of her hands and needs and that does my girlfriend remember their past as they have had sex in the past I told her to block him she said no he's a friend and he's in a relationship himself so I told her he needs to stop or I'll tell his girlfriend and my girlfriend told me if I say anything she is leaving me 😔I don't know what to do it's all that runs through my head
Tom, Issuing ultimatums in relationships doesn't really work. You can't control her behavior - but you can control your reaction to it, and make a decision about what you are and are not willing to tolerate in a relationship. Dr. Kurt