There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
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It used to be if you wanted to have an affair it took some effort. You had to arrange secret calls and rendezvous and sneak around -- not anymore.
Today’s technology has provided easier and easier ways for partners to cheat on one another. And sadly, text message cheating has become a simple way to cheat without much work at all.
What makes it even more confusing is that sometimes cheating via text isn’t even intentional. Regardless of intention, text message cheating happens a lot and can wreak havoc on a relationship.
Not sure what I mean? See if this sounds familiar.
Someone gets your cell number (a coworker, someone from the gym, a person you met at a party) and starts sending you friendly texts. Before you know it you’re having full conversations by text, sometimes several times a day. And most problematic is that because it’s by text you can do so anytime, anywhere.
It's pretty common for cheating partners to be cheating by texting messages right in front of their unknowing partner.
I've had partners tell me that it happened when they were lying next to each other in bed, riding in the car together, and standing in the kitchen talking to each other. The phone beeps or buzzes and the partner responds to a text that is explained away as just a friend or coworker, but is really the other woman or other man.
Here’s an interesting example of text cheating:
We have had problems since December when I found out she was in a texting affair. We worked through that, but in February she developed a very close friendship with another woman. I started suspecting something was not right with this friendship so I confronted her and she became mad and defensive. Well it seemed ok until she started texting her like 100 times a day, then she started running into to her wherever she went. I think they were doing it on purpose, so I asked her and she became very angry again saying I was over analyzing it." -Rick
Here’s another case showing men and women are equally vulnerable:
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3.5 years and we are both thinking about getting married. I love him, I love spending time with him, and I really want to be married, but I'm also very worried that I can't trust him not to cheat. From the very beginning it has been difficult for him to stop being always on the lookout for someone to flirt with or date, even though we are together. He had an extremely inappropriate texting relationship with a girl he briefly dated in college, which went on for the first year and a half of our relationship." -Tonya
All cheating causes pain, but because text message cheating can literally happen while together with your partner it can be especially hurtful. It doesn’t take physical contact with someone else to cause deep wounds and break the trust that’s so crucial to a healthy relationship.
As you can see, texting can cross the line and become a problem with any kind of relationship. It may not be physical cheating, but emotional infidelity, which can involve forming deep emotional connections or romantic attachments with someone other than your partner, is equally as painful and damaging.
So, what are some signs of text message cheating?
Here are 3 signs:
Another sign is,
More egregious ways cheating via text occurs are:
The boundaries of what constitutes cheating can vary from one relationship to another. It's crucial to have open and honest communication with your partner about what’s considered acceptable and unacceptable behavior within your relationship.
Unfortunately, today's technology offers many ways to have a texting affair and keep it secret.
Dealing with a cheating partner is tricky, no matter how it’s happening.
The pain and betrayal can stir-up many strong emotions, especially anger.
These feelings can cause people to act in ways that simply make things worse and lead to even more hurt, particularly if you’re mistaken about your suspicions.
There are things you can do, however, to help determine whether there may be something to worry about.
One thing to do to uncover text message cheating is to ask to look at your partner's phone and watch their reaction. Their behavior after your request will typically reveal more than anything you could ever find on their phone.
I was counseling a troubled couple recently and he had been suspected of cheating. When she asked to see his phone, he wouldn't give it to her, but after a long fight he held it up 3 feet away from her face and flipped through the screens. Then he locked it and walked away.
Suspicious behavior? You bet.
Was he hiding something? Yep.
There’re many excuses that can be given as to why the contents of a phone cannot be shared, but keep in mind that very, very few of us really have justifiable reasons why our partner cannot look through our phone. And if your partner says they do, be very skeptical.
And, unfortunately, texting isn’t the only way technology can be used to facilitate an affair. Facebook and Instagram also provide covert ways for partners to cheat. Once again, smart phones provide many convenient and stealthy means for someone to cheat.
If your partner is engaging in behaviors that make you uncomfortable or you feel like they’re cheating via text or any other means, it's essential to initiate a conversation to share your concerns.
Although cheating by text can be obvious at times, it’s also one of the easiest forms of cheating to hide.
If you suspect your partner of using texting to cheat, keep the following in mind:
Healthy relationships are built on transparency and trust. When you don't have that your relationship is going to be very susceptible to the development of text message cheating.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published September 14, 2015, updated on October 22, 2019, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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I have been married to my wife going on 10yrs. When we were together for 2yrs, I caught her texting with another guy and they were planning to meet up. She said it was nothing and we had a big blow out and I moved out. She asked me to come back and I did. Later 2yrs ago, I found texts to a guy who was in the church choir where they were flirting and texting everyday and I was going to file for a divorce and she said it was nothing and nothing happened, but I believe otherwise even though I forgave her. Now she is talking to somebody different and told the guy that she is separated. I tapped her phone and I'm able to see all the pics they send each other and I was waiting to get enough evidence to confront her. I feel like this is it and need to file for a divorce. I believe regardless what she says, she will still cheat and even makes me believe that she actually did 2yrs ago. She no longer wants to be intimate and always criticizes everything I do. I know what I want but what would you suggest?
Andrew, I have seen and helped numerous couples find their way back together after infidelity. It takes he desire on both parties parts to want it to work, and almost always with the help of a professional because it's such a difficult process to navigate. -Kurt
Hi Andrew,
I'm am not nearly qualified or experienced enough to say anything that I'm about to but I feel like Marriage is a sacred institution. The fact that your wife has intentionally engaged in infidelity makes me think that all the counselling in the world will not make her faithful or even appreciate what she has right beside her in you. i feel like once or even twice is a mistake but a third time is a habit and an attribute of the persons nature/personality. Again I am not married and not even remotely in a relationship as long as anyone has been in this forum. But it just doesn't seem amenable to me. My thoughts but if you feel like you should sought to counselling then that's probably right or if you think that it's time to move on then you are probably right too. I hope the best to you and a very happy life
We're on the same boat...i felt the same as you...all i did is to calm, add more trust to him, more patience, understand more and love him more... We all know the hardship of these, but we have to do it for the sake of our children...believing on positive aspects will be a great help to us..
Hi my husband and i are foster carers to a 8 year old boy for the past 3 years in Feb this childs aunt contacted me and my husband to say she wanted to commit suicide as she has severe Mental health issues. My husband got a bit emotionally involved and remained texting her after this without my knowledge until one night he got a message saying she was thinking about being a mermaid which i came across. I told my husband not to talk to her and even got his brOther to talk to him. I thought it was finished but i have found out he remained in contact with her sending 100s of messages and calling her Little red riding hottie. I have found out as in september he had gone to her house as she was self harming and he wanted her to stop? She ended up reporting him to the police and claims they have been having a relationship behind my back and a police report was submitted to the social work and now everyone knows. My husband claims he was only trying to make her feel good about herself and doesnt care abou how it has broke my trust he kept it all secret and delete all the messages. As it is a relative of our foster child we have to go back to panel to hopefully allow the child to remain in our care. I have a serious illness that means i would never be allowed to foster wothout my husband and i have no children of my own my foster child is my life but my husband has this opinion that i have to put up with this or i become the loser. We have had issues in the past that he has been secretive most of our marriage and was involved in pretty disgusting sex chat pages but we have never discussed it. All i am getting from him is we have always had problems. We have been speaking to a marriage councellor and he is giving us tasks which means asking each other to do 3 things for us and already 2 days in he didnt bother with 2 of the things i asked of him.
Paula, This is too complicated for this small forum. Since a child is involved, it's probably best to seek out a professional counselor. -Kurt
It's all interesting. My partner snoops, when I'm asleep gel check my t r and acssess ny fb via my phone.... gel do it secrectly... then gel ask why a guy from my course has text me n that because he wants to come to a boxing class with others in our class that "I must be interested in him" ..... I think that I should b able to have my ph open But because he goes on there behind my back and then accusing me of cheating and dishonesty I feel abused 😞 It's toxic and not ok. So now I've put a password on my phone AND I delete everything, now he's angry 😡 that I delete my messages and now"I must b cheating and it's dodgy"!!! So toxic. I think he needs help