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Does it seem like your wife or girlfriend wants to talk about every single feeling that she experiences? Maybe she wants to discuss your relationship all the time, or maybe she pushes you to share and discuss your feelings, and it’s driving you crazy.
Why is it that women seem to want to talk about their feelings so much?
Or perhaps the better question is, why don’t men ever want to discuss their feelings?
As it turns out there are some very good reasons for both, and each respective gender would do well to make an effort to understand them.
It’s important to note, however, that over generalizing anything based on gender is a big mistake. People are individuals and each person will vary – sometimes greatly – from generalized standards.
That being said, there are some things that are more typical for women or men and these are helpful to understand when it comes to communication and healthy relationships. Including why women seem to want to talk about their feelings.
Women tend to be more intuitive and also more expressive when it comes to feelings. Not only can they decode feelings in a person’s expressions and vocal intonations more effectively, but they also typically express their own feelings more fully than men.
For women, feelings are a key component of intimacy.
In most cases, discussing feelings and emotions brings closeness and creates a bond. This is true in female friendships and in romantic relationships.
Articulating details of both positive and negative emotions creates an empathetic or sympathetic response that strengthens the partnership between two people. In your relationship, these conversations also reinforce her understanding of her importance to you.
Your ability to listen to her and express an empathetic or sympathetic response to her feelings has a similar effect. It demonstrates respect, interest, and investment in your relationship, which are part of how a woman perceives love and intimacy.
Without this level of communication, a woman can end up feeling disconnected from you and lonely in your relationship. If that happens it opens the door for many other problems, like emotional estrangement, affairs, and even divorce.
So, what does talking about feelings do for and mean to the woman you love?
A lot actually.
Women and men define and experience love differently, which is both wonderful and frustrating. The emotional differences between men and women can be as alluring as the physical differences, but they’re also a far greater source of disconnect and conflict because they’re much more difficult to bridge.
A woman’s emotional needs in a relationship may be difficult for a man to understand, but making an effort to understand them can mean the difference between a happy relationship and a relationship in turmoil.
Talking about feelings does several things for a woman including,
Knowing that she can talk to you about her feelings and emotions without fear of being laughed at, dismissed, or otherwise hurt makes her feel safe with you. Feeling emotionally safe in a relationship is enormously important to women (men too even if they don’t acknowledge it). When she feels she can’t talk to you about her feelings there will be problems.
Saying “I love you” is important, but just as important is showing your love. Listening to her when she wants to talk about her feelings tells her you love her without saying it. Women put a high value on unspoken demonstrations of love.
We all can feel insecure or unsure of ourselves from time to time.
One of the ways women reset themselves, regain their perspective, and feel reassured of their own worth is by talking about their feelings. This makes them vulnerable, however, so it’s generally done with someone they trust.
When your woman wants to talk about her feelings, she’s not only trusting you, but also looking for reassurance that she’s not crazy.
Respect is one of the cornerstones of a strong, healthy relationship. When a woman wants to talk about her feelings she’s showing you the respect of discussing things and keeping your communication open, and looking for you to show her the respect of listening.
So, guys, before you complain about the fact that women seem to want to talk about their feelings all the time, first consider why they’re doing it and what it means. It’s very likely to your benefit to listen when she talks.
It’s no secret that men are less apt to talk about feelings. Society for generations has cast emotional men as weak and effeminate. Men are supposed to be physically commanding and emotionally silent. For this reason, men for years haven’t been taught or encouraged to discuss their feelings or the importance of doing so.
The lack of education on emotional openness for boys doesn’t just fall on the shoulders of fathers to their sons - mothers also bear responsibility. We all seem to have played a role in propagating the strong and silent stereotype.
That’s not the only issue, however.
Men are just generally less emotionally intelligent. This isn’t an insult and isn’t valid for all men. Most women can discern micro expressions of feelings more easily and then extrapolate how these feelings impact a person’s behaviors. This has often been referred to as “women’s intuition.”
Most men aren’t aware of how they feel in the moment. This is different from women who seem to collect and hold onto feelings. A woman has a long emotional memory whereas men will often feel it and forget it, if they even felt it at all.
This puts most men at a distinct disadvantage when it comes to discussing feelings.
A woman may be able to recall multiple occasions when she had certain feelings, both good and bad, and then want to dissect the behaviors that caused said feelings. This ability can be intimidating for a man and cause him to feel overwhelmed and shut down.
So, what’s a guy to do when his wife or girlfriend wants to talk about feelings, his or hers?
Because people communicate differently, patience is key. But when it comes to talking to your wife or girlfriend about feelings there are a few tips that can go a long way.
The importance of talking about feelings doesn’t break toward one gender or the other. It’s really something that’s crucial for the mental health of both. Stifling feelings and not talking about your emotions can lead to bigger problems down the road.
Dr. Kurt has not only counseled men in this area, but also found benefit in his own life by learning to talk more comfortably about his own feelings. When discussing this topic he had this to share,
Most men want to stay as far away from feelings as they can. This creates a huge communication problem for a lot of couples. One of the biggest differences between most men and women is in the familiarity of feelings. Ask a woman how she's feeling and you're pretty sure to get an answer. Ask a guy and you'll likely get, 'I don't know' or 'Nothing.' Do women feel and men don't? No, not at all. Women just have a lot more experience identifying and expressing how they feel than most men. We all feel – and feelings drive much of our behavior. Men just aren't tuned in to their feelings. Teaching men how to do this by building their emotional intelligence is something I do in my counseling. It's a skill that I've had to learn myself and one that has paid big dividends in a lot of areas of my life, not just in my marriage. And it's done the same for the men I've counseled."
Feelings and emotions don’t just go away because you’ve chosen to ignore them – quite the contrary. Those feelings will find a way out, even if they must take other forms to express themselves. Anger issues, depression, and emotional detachment are common side effects of repressing your feelings. Not only is this bad for you (male or female) and your relationship, but it’s also bad for your family, friends, and even co-workers.
On the other hand, finding a way to express your feelings can have distinct benefits.
To men it may seem like women want to talk about their feelings All. The. Time. But, as a man, if you take a minute, you’ll see it’s really not such a bad thing.
Remember,
Guys, the woman in your life wants to be close to you, that’s why she wants to talk about her feelings so much. Understanding this and working together to find common ground for maintaining emotional closeness should be a shared objective. And incidentally, it’s also the best way to avoid the need for couples counseling.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published July 1, 2021 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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this article started out well (when it was talking about women wanting to share feelings and its important for men to listen to make her feel safe)
but fell apart as soon as it suggested men should talk about their feelings. society has not conditioned men into "keeping it in" men just dont care and dont want to talk about "their feelings". stop trying to turn men into women.
Mark, This isn't about turning men into women. It's about men being healthy. Even though we don't want to talk about how we feel (me either at times), we need to. When we don't those feeling find another way out and it's usually not in a good way for us. Saying, "I feel..." is healthy for both women and men. -Dr. Kurt
Woman (19F) here: Recently, my parents went through a rough divorce. Turns out, the main reason was that my Mother refused to say how she really felt and never talked about what she was truly thinking, while my Dad did the opposite and always talked about how he felt. Thus, my Dad didn't know how my Mom felt and my Mom didn't even try to be vulnerable or open about what was wrong. Eventually, she shut down emotionally and couldn't revive her heart. Dad was heartbroken and I became a listening ear & helped him emotionally process what happened. Talking about how you feel isn't bad, it's direct and a part of open communication and honesty.
Complex emotions make us humans, not weak weirdos. I am EXTREMELY close with my Dad BECAUSE he shared his emotions. Before the divorce, we barely had a relationship because I'm naturally quiet and emotionally reserved, so I don't talk about my feelings very often. Just because the shoe is on the other foot in my situation (unemotional Mom, emotional Dad) doesn’t make “talking about your feelings” (i.e. open & direct communication) any less important.
Him talking about how he felt was great and helped our relationship feel REAL. There's nothing that could tear us apart now. We're both direct, honest, and empathetic. I wouldn't trade that bond for anything!