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Many men often seem cold and distant when it comes to their feelings.
A frequent complaint I hear from women in couples counseling is that their partners won't open up to them – they’re emotionally unavailable men.
A common statement from women in counseling is,
"He won't communicate."
Which typically means,
"He won't tell me how he feels."
Women often tell me this while their partner sits there confused and thinking he doesn't 'feel' anything, so what’s there to say?
So, are these men really emotionally unavailable, or are they just emotionally clueless?
Yes, and yes.
This emotional divide between men and women often gets summed up as,
We can't communicate,"
and is perhaps the most frequent relationship complaint for women.
That statement’s often followed by most men's top complaint,
We don't have enough sex."
The idea that men want sex and women want to talk about feelings has been around for eons. It's one of the oldest male-female stereotypes, but like most stereotypes, there's a kernel of truth at the heart of it.
Physical connection for women tends to require an emotional connection as well. Men don’t typically operate this way.
What’s more is men often don’t know what they feel, what they’re supposed to feel, and therefore what they should say.
From a woman’s perspective this looks like, "He won’t talk to me.”
The truth is that many men truly are emotionally unavailable, but that doesn’t mean they’re unemotional.
I can offer insight into this because I was one of these men. I still can be one at times – and I'm a therapist.
Often, men don’t recognize our feelings or communicate them because it's what we've been taught and not taught (I'll explain below).
Unfortunately, if unaddressed, this leads to larger problems within the relationship.
When men are non-communicative, the women in their lives often feel unloved. Feeling unloved can mean that a woman loses interest in being intimate and possibly withholds sex.
Lack of Communication . . .
+ Lack of Intimacy . . .
+ Lack of Sex . . .
= Fissures that can lead to Affairs, Separation, and Divorce.
Most guys focus on getting things done and don't usually think much about how they 'feel' while doing it. Many women are just the opposite and focus on the experience (what it feels like) as much as, and sometimes more than, getting a task done.
Because women process experiences, they assume the man in their life to do the same. They then expect that man to share his feelings with them in a meaningful way. The problem is that this requires him to be emotionally available (and many men are not).
Here are some comments from a couple I counseled that illustrate this and how it becomes a problem:
Kara (Most women)
Will (Most men)
The differences in expectations, needs, and abilities between Kara and Will are pretty typical. They each describe a lot of women and men, and the frustration, disappointment, and separation that occurs around this area in relationships.
Marta sums it up well below,
I’ve always felt hurt because my ex seemed emotionally distant." -Marta
A myth about men is that they don't have feelings. They do – they just don't know how to verbalize them most of the time.
The truth is that men's feelings can be seen much more than heard.
A fist through the wall is more likely than the words, "I feel angry."
Doing the dishes or fixing something broken is usually a way of saying, “I care about you.”
Emotions can be uncomfortable, scary, and hard to deal with, especially for men. So many men just avoid them.
Even today, societal masculinity still teaches men that expressing emotions makes them seem weak or feminine.
Most men don’t really want to, “Get in touch with their feminine side.”
When men were growing up, many of them learned that “acting like a girl” brought teasing and even bullying, so they learned to hide how they felt.
Displaying emotions in the male world is a sign of weakness. The phrase, 'Big boys don’t cry' is an example of how boys and men are taught that being a man requires denying emotions.
There is a psychological term for the inability to recognize and describe feelings called alexithymia. Having no words for emotions describes individuals with restricted emotional development, and it also aptly describes emotionally unavailable men.
Researcher Ronald Levant has coined the term, “normative male alexithymia,” to describe men who do not meet the clinical threshold for alexithymia but suffer from a milder version of it. In fact, some experts believe that as many as 80% of men have at least a mild form of alexithymia.
While alexithymia partly explains why men can be emotionally unavailable, it's also possible to change this.
Guys (like Will above) who work with a counselor can learn to better recognize, name, and describe their feelings. Building what is called emotional intelligence has value far beyond satisfying a female partner too.
Without such emotional skills, many men are literally mute when it comes to describing their emotional experience, which leaves them trapped and unable to escape negative emotional states.
What's the result?
See below.
Being an emotionally unavailable man has many risks. Obviously, as we have already seen there are relationship risks, but there are mental health risks too.
Men can,
Or engage in destructive behaviors like,
All of these provide an emotional release that’s socially acceptable for men, while insulating them from the shame associated with feeling expression.
So, my boyfriend and I have been living together for a year and have been together for 2. Everything is fine between us and people have always told us we're such a happy couple. We belong together, etc. Then one day he starts changing. Becoming distant. It's like he has no emotion. He denies me sex. He doesn't talk about his feelings or doesn't care about mine (so it seems)." -Court
A lot of men seem emotionally frozen.
While being a man and being emotionally unavailable seem to go hand-in-hand, they don't have to. Ultimately, it is a choice to remain disconnected from your feelings, especially when your life shows the wreckage from it –
Emotionally unavailable men are stuck, but they don't have to stay that way.
Guys, we can make a different choice. We can build up our emotional intelligence and free ourselves from the trap of being dissociated from our emotional experience.
Trust me, relationships are far more fulfilling when you allow yourself to become emotionally connected to them.
Join me, Will, and thousands of other men who've found that you can still be a man and learn how to recognize and share your feelings.
Both you and your partner will be happier for it. It actually takes a lot of courage and strength to do it, but being a man doesn’t have to mean being emotionally unavailable.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published December 14, 2016, updated on June 1, 2021, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Do all men really want a younger woman? Learn more here.
In most cases a man’s fear of intimacy is really a fear of the unknown. Why?
Most men like and want sex. So, why then do many women believe there’s a fear of intimacy in men?
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Hi, my boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half and we moved in together 2 months ago. I was using the desktop the other day and an imessage popped up and it read "you're amazing ". I scrolled up a little and a message read "have i told you how much i love you. Yes you. Thanks for doing the case logs". He ignored both texts. I had no idea that the phone texts sync to the desktop so i couldn't see any name but i looked up the number and it was from a nurse whi works with him who i met and is married and i know he's not attracted to her. Went would he let her talk to him this way? I tried to ask him without mentioning the messages if anyone flirts with him or says inappropriate things and he said no. However, he deleted the thread from the desktop and stopped syncing the messages from the phone. I'm guessing he suspected I saw something after my question. I really want to let him know that I saw the messages but I'm also worried he thinks im snooping which I don't do. I didn't even know you can see text messages on the desktop. What do I do? I'm just hurt because when i asked him he denied he receives anything inappropriate. He knows very well that this is inappropriate to me. Thanks
Sylvie, You've got to talk to him about what you saw. Ignoring will only allow it to get worse - either something he's doing or your thoughts. If you feel like you can't have an effective conversation on your own then find a professional counselor to help you two talk through it. -Dr. Kurt
My boyfriend and I have been living together for 7 months, together for 18 months. In that time, he has never told me he loves me (unless I say it first), refuses to discuss issues in our relationship and when I press him, he turns it around on me. In secrecy he watches porn, goes to sex chat rooms and live webcams. Our intimacy seems as if he is just going through the motions. When I try to talk to him, he shuts down no matter what I approach I use. I have never judged him or blamed him. I am at the point where I think I need to move on, but I do love him very much. The first 6 months of the relationship he was attentive, complementary, and would talk about the relationship leading to marriage. Now he says he doesn't know if he wants to get married again and is unable to tell me the reason He says he envisions us being together forever. However, with the lack of communication, emotional and physical intimacy, I don't know if I can stay in the relationship even though it will hurt terribly to leave.
Hi Ann, there are number of red flags in what you are saying. You might want to spend some time thinking about what things might look like in your relationship 2 years, 5 years, or 10 years down the road. Will things change? Will the pain of leaving then be worse than if you left now? If you are serious about making things work, you two need to work together to make sure you are both feeling fulfilled and happy in the relationship. All my best. -Dr. Kurt
Hi doctor,
i met my BF two months ago. First, he is very sweet, caring, considerate and even shy. And he is not much of a talker. But after we had sex (until that i was a virgin (29 yrs virgin)), i feel he is detached, cold and reserved. He doesn't communicate with me much, even i asked what's up with him. We used to workout together and talk, chat and all more than this. His friends says he is always a reserved person who take time to open up. I don't know how to approach him. Either am jus being paranoid or he is playing around. it hurts alot as I have trusted him alot and truly love him. Please help me sort this out
Hi Dhia, I'm sorry to hear about the pain you are dealing with. It sounds things started off strong between the two of you. It's possible that he has no idea the way his actions are affecting you. I suggest you schedule a quiet time together when there won't be any distractions and have a very open and honest conversation. Knowing how you feel may change the way he's been behaving. -Dr. Kurt
My on and off again ex and I broke up recently because he started seeing a therapist to work on his emotional detachment. Is there hope for reconciliation?
Hi Carissa, I would take it as a positive sign that he wants to work on his personal issues. I can't predict whether you will reconcile or not, but a person who is happy and comfortable with themselves is a better partner. -Dr. Kurt
I've been with someone for close to 3 years and never in those years has he told me he loves me or shown any affection. Most of the conversations we have always seem to focus on sex. He is addicted to porn. His job takes him across many states for months at a time so I don't see him. I point-blank asked him how he felt about me and he became somewhat angry. The times I have flown out to see him were wonderful but at the end of all my visits, he has refused to kiss me goodbye, hug me or he abandons me. I was always left with hurt feelings. When we talk on the phone it's great, he makes me laugh and we do have good conversations but the majority of the time he focuses on sex and what he wants. It's the things he doesn't say that makes me want to leave him. He did tell me that he can't show affection because of some childhood trauma. He was married before and his ex left him because she thought he was a horrible husband. He won't go to therapy so what can I expect moving forward and if I should leave now to avoid being another victim? How can I know for sure if he loves me? We don't live together as he lives in another state.