What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
6 Min Read
Contents
Most of us hope that the amount sex we have at the beginning of a marriage is what we can expect for the duration. Unfortunately, for many couples that’s simply not the reality. If you find yourself living in a sexless marriage, you’re probably wondering what happened and how you can fix it.
The truth is that marriages go through many up and downs.
You may even find that the busy schedules of family and work life make sex an afterthought at best.
At some point, many couples find themselves living in a sexless marriage and that can be an issue. A big one.
Short answer is, well – there’s no good short answer to this question.
If you’re living in a sexless marriage you aren’t alone, however. Some studies say that up to 20% of marriages suffer problems with little or no sexual intimacy.
Over years the stress of the day-to-day grind can take its toll on a marriage and certain things - like sex - can fall by the wayside.
But just because it happens to many couples doesn’t mean it’s okay.
Sex is an important part of a strong and healthy marriage, and when it’s missing it can leave couples dissatisfied with each other and open them up to a host of other problems.
So, while a sexless marriage isn’t uncommon it’s also not a normal state for most happy and connected couples. If sex has become infrequent or disappeared as a regular activity, you should consider it a warning sign for larger problems and something that should be addressed.
For most of us our sexuality is an important part of life and who we are.
Our desire for sex can ebb and flow depending upon what’s going on in our lives, but for the most part sex is a fun, important and pleasurable way to enjoy closeness with another person. Keeping this aspect of your relationship strong within your marriage is particularly important.
Sexual activity also engages the pleasure centers of your brain. The endorphins released help to deepen the feelings of love you have for your spouse. Studies have shown that in the longest and most successful marriages couples make a point to have sex regularly.
Does that mean these couples are consistently and uncontrollable hot for one another? Nope.
Does it mean that they’re always “in the mood”? Nope – it doesn’t mean that either.
It simply means that these couples recognize the importance of physical intimacy and what it does for each of them and their relationship.
Physical contact in marriage brings you closer as a couple and helps keep you bonded to one another. It also strengthens trust and leaves you feeling more connected.
When there is no sex in a marriage these feelings and connection can become weaker.
A sexless marriage isn’t doomed to fail, but it’s made a great deal more difficult in most circumstances.
In order for a marriage to survive when there is no sex or intimacy both partners need to be of the same mind when it comes to that aspect of their relationship. Most couples, however, are not.
Typically, in a relationship where there is no sexual intimacy one partner is okay with it while the other isn’t and this can lead to a lot of issues.
Lack of sexual desire for your spouse, or disinterest in sex overall, can happen for a variety of reasons. Sometimes there can be a health or biological component to this, but most often it’s reflective of circumstances or issues within the relationship itself.
For instance, a new baby can put the brakes on a couple’s sex life. A woman may feel overwhelmed with motherhood or even uncomfortable with her post-baby body and therefore not want to be intimate.
Or a man may have a hard time reconciling the woman who is now a mother with the woman he was comfortable having sex with.
These situations usually rectify themselves over time, but if a couple isn’t careful and attentive to making time for their intimate life, they can easily find themselves living in a sexless marriage.
Lack of sex in a marriage can also be due to a couple having grown apart.
This can become a vicious cycle.
We don’t have sex because we aren’t close and we don’t get closer because we aren’t intimate anymore.”
A marriage in this situation is likely to encounter issues or not be able to reconcile problems because their bond isn’t strong enough to help them move forward.
And in a marriage where one partner wants to be intimate and the other doesn’t, resentment and anger can build.
Respect for the marriage, the vows and the other person need to be shown. Telling a person who still wants the closeness of a sexual relationship that they can’t have it will create a divide in the marriage and make other, possibly smaller challenges, seem insurmountable.
So, whether a marriage without sex can survive depends a lot upon the circumstances in the marriage itself. It’s fair to say, however, that a sexless marriage is probably not as strong or stable as those where there is a healthy sex life.
Dr. Kurt often counsels couples dealing with challenges in their sex lives. When asked for some insight he had this to say,
One of the places where the differences between partners arises the most is around sex. Most often it's about the frequency of sex, but other complaints I hear regularly are about interest, initiating, or variety. 'She never initiates' or 'it's always the same and only about him getting off.' The phrase 'sexless marriage' is frequently used by spouses to describe how they feel about their sex life more so than that there literally is no sex. It conveys not just the infrequent or lack of sex, but the deep unhappiness with the sex in their marriage."
That’s not an easy question to answer. How you handle being in a sexless marriage depends a lot upon the reasons you’re not having sex.
To begin with you need to determine why your sexual relationship has broken down.
If it’s a matter of,
or something completely different.
Once you’ve identified the problem or problems you’ll have a place to start when it comes to fixing things. And no, you can’t just point at your spouse and say, “they’re the problem.”
If it’s your spouse who has shut the door to sex, there’s a reason.
You’ll need to work together to determine what is causing their resistance.
Reigniting your sex life is as much about good communication in your marriage as it is about anything else. Letting your partner know (probably again) in a gentle and respectful way that you would like to regain the intimacy you once shared is a good starting point.
You’ll also need to have patience.
A happy, healthy sex life takes the willingness and desire of both spouses. If your relationship has been in a sexual dry spell for a while, getting back to a point where you both feel comfortable and satisfied may take some time.
It’s possible, however, that the problems that have led you to this point go deeper than what a conversation and patience can solve.
In this case you’ll have some work to do together as a couple before you can really create stability in your sex life. Often a marriage counselor can be of help in these circumstances.
There are some that feel that if there is no sex in their marriage they should be allowed to find it somewhere else.
Lack of sex in a marriage is often a reason given for cheating – especially by men.
It seems only fair, right?
If you’re a person with a healthy sex drive, feeling like you’ll never have sex again if you stay faithful is a tough and depressing position.
But no matter how great the temptation is to seek sex with in someone outside your marriage, cheating on your spouse is never the answer.
Yes, a marriage devoid of sex can be very difficult, and it will cause you to be vulnerable to the affection of someone else, but stepping outside your marriage will make whatever brought you to this point exponentially worse.
The better option is to work with your spouse to bring that aspect of your marriage back to a healthy state.
If your sex life has fizzled and you’re living in a marriage without sex you and your spouse are missing out on a very special and important part of married life.
Sadly, many couples living in a marriage without sex become complacent. It just becomes who they are and how their relationship operates.
Keep the following in mind if you’re living in a sexless marriage:
With effort and patience, you and your spouse can bring sex back into your sexless marriage.
What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
Think My Husband Doesn’t Find Me Attractive After Baby? If you think your Husband Doesn’t Find You Attractive After Having A Baby there may be more to it.
Most women don’t think of men as being shy or nervous in the bedroom. To many of us it seems like men have an envious amount of self-assuredness and confidence when it comes to their sexual abilities (warranted or not).
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I am 55 and have been married to a good man for nearly 30 years. I love him - went through the list of qualities that I love about him - and he still has most of those qualities. I realize that menopause has changed my libido. Also, the changes in both our bodies in our 50s has reduced the sexual desire I feel, both about him and about myself as a sensual being. To be honest, I honestly think I can still have a happy marriage without sex. But my husband is not happy about this, and it plays out in our emotional intimacy. We are not as close as we used to be or as I would like to be. We don't have as much to say to each other as often. It's like we are roommates living pretty separate lives. He's the kind of guy who has difficulty talking about it. And I'm at that point where I'm tired of being the only one putting effort into nurturing the marriage. I find this article helpful in that it got me to start thinking about the concept of marriage - and specifically my marriage - in a different way. I hope we can stay married because I love him and I really don't want to get divorced at this stage in my life. I guess I'll see how things go. Maybe he will open up and talk with me about how he sees our marriage and what he thinks about staying together.
Marriage should involve around sex and without it would mean pointless to stay in a marriage. Making it work may not be easy but it takes every couple effort to keep SEX alive in a marriage.
Spot on! Sex bring closeness that nothing else can. Sex is a way physically bonding to a mate.
I'm sorry if this is harsh but from reading your responses you seem to be extremely out of touch with reality. I am 65, retired, with a 64 yr old wife who decided about 10 years ago that even our infrequent sex was no longer important. But the thing is, she's the normal one. I can name at least a hundred women over 50,[former co-workers,friends,neighbors, and family who either have no men in their lives,[and don't want one],or have husbands who are treated like roommates. That is the REAL world in American society right now. I realize my prospective is about people over 50. It seems disingenuous for psychologists and marital counselors to ignore reality.
Hey James, Thanks for sharing your experience. You're right that sex for older adults is often ignored or misunderstood. However, the last section of this article does state that if sex is missing there's a problem. Just because it seems "normal" that the female partners you know about aren't interested in sex doesn't mean there's still not a problem in the relationship that needs to be addressed. Besides the topic is sex, it's a problem that one partner is unhappy with an aspect of the relationship and the other one ignores it. Both partners bear the responsibility for accepting that response. -Dr. Kurt
I input a comment on 9/15/19 as noted above. I continued to see a counselor myself (since my wife refuses). I joined a group called Songs of the Believers and was chatting with men in the same circumstances. After several months of listening to what they were trying (it wasn't working either in their marriages), I sat down with my wife and told her in April of 2020 that I loved her more than I did when we married and that sexual intimacy is a huge part of marriage. Scripturally (we are both Christians as noted in my first comment)in 1 Corinthians we are told to only stay apart for a time- with both agreeing to- but consistently have a regular sex life to keep one another from falling into temptation. I expressed how much I loved her and she agree with everything I was saying. I asked her to mutually work on being more intimate like we were when we were younger. My oldest daughter was married in March of 2019 and thought seeing their joy would reignite my wife's interested in me. My youngest graduated from college in December of 2019 before the Wuhan Virus hit. We planned a cruise for June to the Bahamas. Long story short, the talk has apparently done nothing. We are still no closer. We were watching a moving the other night when the character in the movie indicated he was leaving the wife. She looked to me and said "please never do that to me". I know she has to feel the tension. She knows it it hurting me. We pray together each night and read the Bible together. Very active in our church. Go on date nights. Last year I surprised her and took her to a bed and breakfast out of town for several days. Showered her with attention and when it came to kiss, or even cuddle in bed, NOTHING. She talks now about how exciting it will be to get grandkids. I get the drift she gets all of her emotional needs met with our daughters. She is always involved with them. It crushed her when my oldest, naturally so, stopped doing as much with her when she married so now she is all absorbed in our younger daughter's life. I can't wait for her to get a job and out on her own so it can just be us again and, hopefully, get her to refocus on us. It's so frustrating. My twin brother tells me how much sex they are having and I think "am I the only one out there that is sex starved?" I don't do porn but do read erotic stories online and masturbate to those thinking about my wife and I in those situations. It helps me to remember what sex was like when we were younger and to feel less resentment towards her. I petition your prayers for our marriage bed to be restored.
Richard, You could be on to a piece of the puzzle with her relationships with your daughters. It's not uncommon for parents to get their emotional needs met through their kids rather than their partner. I know it feels like you're all alone feeling "sex starved," but as this article and the comments show, as well as many other articles on our website, you're far, far from alone. It's fixable though. -Dr. Kurt
Subject: Sexless Marriage- Now Offered from God.
The last 4 years of a 21 year marriage, God has taken my place and converted intimacy to prayer. My wife now has 3 Bibles- just in case. While listening to religious TV, CD's and Radio she also donates thousands of dollars to evangelical hacks.
When sex becomes a blurt by accident, she chooses ignorance and work to revert back to the daily routine of what I now describe: A Brother-Sister relationship.
Offering tidbits like: Why are you mentioning vacation, are you considering a second honeymoon? Usually changes the subject faster than a speeding bullet!
So at a very young 65 male with a high romance drive of Champagne and Strawberries in bed. I choose to stay at the gym a few times a week and continue to target distractions.
Being lonely in a relationship is senseless. It is comparative to waiting at the train station, but never boarding the train. You just fantasize about having intimacy, then another day goes by as my wife goes to bed alone at 8 PM.
I guess what I have succumbed to is Fate. If there is good ending to this travesty of a marriage it's just around the corner, or maybe not.
Thx for listening. Altese.