What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
6 Min Read
Contents
Most of us hope that the amount sex we have at the beginning of a marriage is what we can expect for the duration. Unfortunately, for many couples that’s simply not the reality. If you find yourself living in a sexless marriage, you’re probably wondering what happened and how you can fix it.
The truth is that marriages go through many up and downs.
You may even find that the busy schedules of family and work life make sex an afterthought at best.
At some point, many couples find themselves living in a sexless marriage and that can be an issue. A big one.
Short answer is, well – there’s no good short answer to this question.
If you’re living in a sexless marriage you aren’t alone, however. Some studies say that up to 20% of marriages suffer problems with little or no sexual intimacy.
Over years the stress of the day-to-day grind can take its toll on a marriage and certain things - like sex - can fall by the wayside.
But just because it happens to many couples doesn’t mean it’s okay.
Sex is an important part of a strong and healthy marriage, and when it’s missing it can leave couples dissatisfied with each other and open them up to a host of other problems.
So, while a sexless marriage isn’t uncommon it’s also not a normal state for most happy and connected couples. If sex has become infrequent or disappeared as a regular activity, you should consider it a warning sign for larger problems and something that should be addressed.
For most of us our sexuality is an important part of life and who we are.
Our desire for sex can ebb and flow depending upon what’s going on in our lives, but for the most part sex is a fun, important and pleasurable way to enjoy closeness with another person. Keeping this aspect of your relationship strong within your marriage is particularly important.
Sexual activity also engages the pleasure centers of your brain. The endorphins released help to deepen the feelings of love you have for your spouse. Studies have shown that in the longest and most successful marriages couples make a point to have sex regularly.
Does that mean these couples are consistently and uncontrollable hot for one another? Nope.
Does it mean that they’re always “in the mood”? Nope – it doesn’t mean that either.
It simply means that these couples recognize the importance of physical intimacy and what it does for each of them and their relationship.
Physical contact in marriage brings you closer as a couple and helps keep you bonded to one another. It also strengthens trust and leaves you feeling more connected.
When there is no sex in a marriage these feelings and connection can become weaker.
A sexless marriage isn’t doomed to fail, but it’s made a great deal more difficult in most circumstances.
In order for a marriage to survive when there is no sex or intimacy both partners need to be of the same mind when it comes to that aspect of their relationship. Most couples, however, are not.
Typically, in a relationship where there is no sexual intimacy one partner is okay with it while the other isn’t and this can lead to a lot of issues.
Lack of sexual desire for your spouse, or disinterest in sex overall, can happen for a variety of reasons. Sometimes there can be a health or biological component to this, but most often it’s reflective of circumstances or issues within the relationship itself.
For instance, a new baby can put the brakes on a couple’s sex life. A woman may feel overwhelmed with motherhood or even uncomfortable with her post-baby body and therefore not want to be intimate.
Or a man may have a hard time reconciling the woman who is now a mother with the woman he was comfortable having sex with.
These situations usually rectify themselves over time, but if a couple isn’t careful and attentive to making time for their intimate life, they can easily find themselves living in a sexless marriage.
Lack of sex in a marriage can also be due to a couple having grown apart.
This can become a vicious cycle.
We don’t have sex because we aren’t close and we don’t get closer because we aren’t intimate anymore.”
A marriage in this situation is likely to encounter issues or not be able to reconcile problems because their bond isn’t strong enough to help them move forward.
And in a marriage where one partner wants to be intimate and the other doesn’t, resentment and anger can build.
Respect for the marriage, the vows and the other person need to be shown. Telling a person who still wants the closeness of a sexual relationship that they can’t have it will create a divide in the marriage and make other, possibly smaller challenges, seem insurmountable.
So, whether a marriage without sex can survive depends a lot upon the circumstances in the marriage itself. It’s fair to say, however, that a sexless marriage is probably not as strong or stable as those where there is a healthy sex life.
Dr. Kurt often counsels couples dealing with challenges in their sex lives. When asked for some insight he had this to say,
One of the places where the differences between partners arises the most is around sex. Most often it's about the frequency of sex, but other complaints I hear regularly are about interest, initiating, or variety. 'She never initiates' or 'it's always the same and only about him getting off.' The phrase 'sexless marriage' is frequently used by spouses to describe how they feel about their sex life more so than that there literally is no sex. It conveys not just the infrequent or lack of sex, but the deep unhappiness with the sex in their marriage."
That’s not an easy question to answer. How you handle being in a sexless marriage depends a lot upon the reasons you’re not having sex.
To begin with you need to determine why your sexual relationship has broken down.
If it’s a matter of,
or something completely different.
Once you’ve identified the problem or problems you’ll have a place to start when it comes to fixing things. And no, you can’t just point at your spouse and say, “they’re the problem.”
If it’s your spouse who has shut the door to sex, there’s a reason.
You’ll need to work together to determine what is causing their resistance.
Reigniting your sex life is as much about good communication in your marriage as it is about anything else. Letting your partner know (probably again) in a gentle and respectful way that you would like to regain the intimacy you once shared is a good starting point.
You’ll also need to have patience.
A happy, healthy sex life takes the willingness and desire of both spouses. If your relationship has been in a sexual dry spell for a while, getting back to a point where you both feel comfortable and satisfied may take some time.
It’s possible, however, that the problems that have led you to this point go deeper than what a conversation and patience can solve.
In this case you’ll have some work to do together as a couple before you can really create stability in your sex life. Often a marriage counselor can be of help in these circumstances.
There are some that feel that if there is no sex in their marriage they should be allowed to find it somewhere else.
Lack of sex in a marriage is often a reason given for cheating – especially by men.
It seems only fair, right?
If you’re a person with a healthy sex drive, feeling like you’ll never have sex again if you stay faithful is a tough and depressing position.
But no matter how great the temptation is to seek sex with in someone outside your marriage, cheating on your spouse is never the answer.
Yes, a marriage devoid of sex can be very difficult, and it will cause you to be vulnerable to the affection of someone else, but stepping outside your marriage will make whatever brought you to this point exponentially worse.
The better option is to work with your spouse to bring that aspect of your marriage back to a healthy state.
If your sex life has fizzled and you’re living in a marriage without sex you and your spouse are missing out on a very special and important part of married life.
Sadly, many couples living in a marriage without sex become complacent. It just becomes who they are and how their relationship operates.
Keep the following in mind if you’re living in a sexless marriage:
With effort and patience, you and your spouse can bring sex back into your sexless marriage.
What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
Think My Husband Doesn’t Find Me Attractive After Baby? If you think your Husband Doesn’t Find You Attractive After Having A Baby there may be more to it.
Most women don’t think of men as being shy or nervous in the bedroom. To many of us it seems like men have an envious amount of self-assuredness and confidence when it comes to their sexual abilities (warranted or not).
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I have to disagree with not stepping outtside the marriage. I’ve lived in an affectionless libidoless marriage for 18 yrs with my beautiful wife & our 3 kids. An occasional fling is the only thing that has enabled me to survive I. The marriage & give the kids a stable home. I’m lonely & have a sadness in my core, but am an affectionate person trapped by wanting to do the right thing for the family whilst trying my best to live a happy life. An occasional fling is a release from my affectionless prison.
I recently got divorced, im too busy with my life and career. I forgot about what matters the most to me. Now am just trying to win back everything that I had lost but i think it's too late. So i just had sexual satisfaction from other girlsbut still im trying to figure out how to balance both in the future. I want to build a family of my own again.
I have been angry, bitter, resentful and increasingly short-tempered over the near decade... yes, almost 10 years and NO SEX. I mean nothing outside of quick kiss. We once had a decent sex life, but after two kids, and my wife completely shutdown. She pushes me away, tenses-up when I get close, and I finally gave-up trying as rejection from one's own spouse becomes difficult to accept. I would strongly consider an affair, but I am on the wrong side of 50, not rich, and married (for my children). So I just accept my life sucks, as I calculate about another decade before the youngest child turns 18. By then, I'll be old and really not be in demand.
As my wife's interest in sex descresed my masturbation frequency went up. I tried to fill the void with material items and more internet porn. I've begged and cried on my knee's for sex and I'm made out to be the bad guy, say's she's tired from work, she just has to do her duty, bend over and take it, you never know, she could end up liking it again but I'll never know now. She has plenty of time for audio book's, all she seems to do these day's constantly, I'm stugeling to get a word in. Now I am going to try heroin, I think it is the logical solution as I will be able to lose myself and feel happy. If I can masturbate on heroin all the better, win win, no sex for her and pleasure for me. Without a doubt the time will come when I'll have to end it with a hot shot, good by me, I'll be reunited with my pets sooner than later.
Hi Antz, It's clear that you're in a bad spot and struggling. We work with a lot of guys just like you who's partners aren't meeting their sexual needs. I can promise you that heroin isn't the answer and is only going to create more problems. There are resources and people available to help you figure out how to better deal with this. I highly recommend that you find a good counselor to work with. If you're ever seriously contemplating a "hot shot" please call the National Center for Suicide Prevention and talk to someone first. They're available 24 hours a day at 1-800-273-8255. Or you can reach out to us by using the Contact info at the bottom of this page. I hope you'll make some smarter choices and learn how to change your pain rather than just cope with it.
My husband says it’s all me. And yes, I do take part of the blame. After we had our daughter I wasn’t all that interested in sexual intimacy. Right after she was born I was tired from feeding baby every two hours. And my sex drive never really returned after that. Now I’m so busy trying to be a good Mom and I have a large family to be apart of. And then his family wants to come visit us at the very least once a week. Sometimes I wish we had moved farther away, so we could breath until the holidays. See everyone then instead of a must see every week. I’m tired at night, and it’s not very exciting. I mean we do the same thing, and yes it works for us as far as us both getting our kicks go. But I fall asleep almost every night when I put our daughter to bed. Our daughter is 5 now and we’ve been struggling for a few years now to consistently reconnect. It’s just one failed attempt after another, it seems. I’ve tried setting up a fun night in a hotel with rose petals, but as soon as he caught wind of it he was upset about spending the money. So, I ended up canceling the reservation. Then he thinks coming to bed naked is going to do it for me and I feel like even if I’m not in the mood it has to happen at that point. I’m tired a lot and he says from what...he acts like I do nothing to justify being tired. We pay almost $700 a month for health insurance and it doesn’t pay anything for counciling so we can’t afford that. He’s mentioned divorce a few time in-anger and says it was just in anger and that he really doesn’t want a divorce. He says he resents me for not having much of a sex drive. He says any other man would have cheated by now. I need to feel close to him before I want sex and needs sex before he feels close to me. I am working to finish my degree and being a stay at home Mom with a tight budget. And not to mention cooking and cleaning and never ending laundry. He works basically for himself; he’s off on Monday to mow the yard, off Tuesday, off Wednesday and off Thursday until 10am. He works until 7 or 8 pm on Thursdays. He works 10:30ish - 8pm on Fridays and most of the time on Saturdays. Sunday he goes to work to do the order and help out if it gets busy until around 6pm if we are busy. If we are home he does the order and then comes home. His scheduled work hours change often depending on if they are busy. His off days are always off days. I feel like he’s always with us. If we are out doing something in town he will just show up randomly. He still says he wishes he could see us more. He says me not wanting to have sex makes his self-esteem low. He says he’d love a date with me, but he’s, it feels like, always around. He says he misses us, but I don’t feel like I have time to miss him. I look forward to Fridays when it’s just me and my daughter. Is our marriage over? I mean I feel relieved on Fridays. He works consistently every Friday and is always to tired for sex.
Happily married for 23 years (well I thought I was ) not so sure now....... about a year ago I began early menopause although my moods haven’t change£ my sex drive did,for a time more to do with menstral cycle really...coupled together with my husband hurting his back. Seems to have stop all inclinations. My husband just isn’t interested....we’ve talked and he says he still loves me, kisses me all the time and holds hands but that is as intimate as it gets...We have an age gap of 8 years and I’m thinking is that it?... I know it’s not all about sex but it’s the closeness and deep connection I miss. It really getting me down, to the point I’m crying myself to sleep and looking at moving out. I love my husband so much, if I mention it again I know he will put every effort in but all for the wrong reasons
Once we had the kids, the wife has shown little to no interest in sex and, as time passes, the sex has dwindled away to nothing. No sex for over two years and counting and once in the last four years with multiple occurrences of going more than a year without sex. She hates everything that I do sexually. Hates kissing, hates when I touch her, hates when I undress her. She will tell me during the day that she'll want sex at say, eight o'clock that evening. At eight o'clock that evening, we're in our bedroom and she gives no indication that she's even slightly interested in sex. We've tried counseling but she wouldn't say a word when the counselor would ask her questions. The wife and the counselor has some one-on-one sessions but the wife would never tell me anything about them. Our marriage has deteriorated to the point that the only feeling I have for her now is disgust. Aside from that, I no longer care about her opinion on anything. Marrying her has become my biggest regret in life and, unfortunately, I cannot go back in time and undo that catastrophic mistake.