What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
6 Min Read
Contents
Most of us hope that the amount sex we have at the beginning of a marriage is what we can expect for the duration. Unfortunately, for many couples that’s simply not the reality. If you find yourself living in a sexless marriage, you’re probably wondering what happened and how you can fix it.
The truth is that marriages go through many up and downs.
You may even find that the busy schedules of family and work life make sex an afterthought at best.
At some point, many couples find themselves living in a sexless marriage and that can be an issue. A big one.
Short answer is, well – there’s no good short answer to this question.
If you’re living in a sexless marriage you aren’t alone, however. Some studies say that up to 20% of marriages suffer problems with little or no sexual intimacy.
Over years the stress of the day-to-day grind can take its toll on a marriage and certain things - like sex - can fall by the wayside.
But just because it happens to many couples doesn’t mean it’s okay.
Sex is an important part of a strong and healthy marriage, and when it’s missing it can leave couples dissatisfied with each other and open them up to a host of other problems.
So, while a sexless marriage isn’t uncommon it’s also not a normal state for most happy and connected couples. If sex has become infrequent or disappeared as a regular activity, you should consider it a warning sign for larger problems and something that should be addressed.
For most of us our sexuality is an important part of life and who we are.
Our desire for sex can ebb and flow depending upon what’s going on in our lives, but for the most part sex is a fun, important and pleasurable way to enjoy closeness with another person. Keeping this aspect of your relationship strong within your marriage is particularly important.
Sexual activity also engages the pleasure centers of your brain. The endorphins released help to deepen the feelings of love you have for your spouse. Studies have shown that in the longest and most successful marriages couples make a point to have sex regularly.
Does that mean these couples are consistently and uncontrollable hot for one another? Nope.
Does it mean that they’re always “in the mood”? Nope – it doesn’t mean that either.
It simply means that these couples recognize the importance of physical intimacy and what it does for each of them and their relationship.
Physical contact in marriage brings you closer as a couple and helps keep you bonded to one another. It also strengthens trust and leaves you feeling more connected.
When there is no sex in a marriage these feelings and connection can become weaker.
A sexless marriage isn’t doomed to fail, but it’s made a great deal more difficult in most circumstances.
In order for a marriage to survive when there is no sex or intimacy both partners need to be of the same mind when it comes to that aspect of their relationship. Most couples, however, are not.
Typically, in a relationship where there is no sexual intimacy one partner is okay with it while the other isn’t and this can lead to a lot of issues.
Lack of sexual desire for your spouse, or disinterest in sex overall, can happen for a variety of reasons. Sometimes there can be a health or biological component to this, but most often it’s reflective of circumstances or issues within the relationship itself.
For instance, a new baby can put the brakes on a couple’s sex life. A woman may feel overwhelmed with motherhood or even uncomfortable with her post-baby body and therefore not want to be intimate.
Or a man may have a hard time reconciling the woman who is now a mother with the woman he was comfortable having sex with.
These situations usually rectify themselves over time, but if a couple isn’t careful and attentive to making time for their intimate life, they can easily find themselves living in a sexless marriage.
Lack of sex in a marriage can also be due to a couple having grown apart.
This can become a vicious cycle.
We don’t have sex because we aren’t close and we don’t get closer because we aren’t intimate anymore.”
A marriage in this situation is likely to encounter issues or not be able to reconcile problems because their bond isn’t strong enough to help them move forward.
And in a marriage where one partner wants to be intimate and the other doesn’t, resentment and anger can build.
Respect for the marriage, the vows and the other person need to be shown. Telling a person who still wants the closeness of a sexual relationship that they can’t have it will create a divide in the marriage and make other, possibly smaller challenges, seem insurmountable.
So, whether a marriage without sex can survive depends a lot upon the circumstances in the marriage itself. It’s fair to say, however, that a sexless marriage is probably not as strong or stable as those where there is a healthy sex life.
Dr. Kurt often counsels couples dealing with challenges in their sex lives. When asked for some insight he had this to say,
One of the places where the differences between partners arises the most is around sex. Most often it's about the frequency of sex, but other complaints I hear regularly are about interest, initiating, or variety. 'She never initiates' or 'it's always the same and only about him getting off.' The phrase 'sexless marriage' is frequently used by spouses to describe how they feel about their sex life more so than that there literally is no sex. It conveys not just the infrequent or lack of sex, but the deep unhappiness with the sex in their marriage."
That’s not an easy question to answer. How you handle being in a sexless marriage depends a lot upon the reasons you’re not having sex.
To begin with you need to determine why your sexual relationship has broken down.
If it’s a matter of,
or something completely different.
Once you’ve identified the problem or problems you’ll have a place to start when it comes to fixing things. And no, you can’t just point at your spouse and say, “they’re the problem.”
If it’s your spouse who has shut the door to sex, there’s a reason.
You’ll need to work together to determine what is causing their resistance.
Reigniting your sex life is as much about good communication in your marriage as it is about anything else. Letting your partner know (probably again) in a gentle and respectful way that you would like to regain the intimacy you once shared is a good starting point.
You’ll also need to have patience.
A happy, healthy sex life takes the willingness and desire of both spouses. If your relationship has been in a sexual dry spell for a while, getting back to a point where you both feel comfortable and satisfied may take some time.
It’s possible, however, that the problems that have led you to this point go deeper than what a conversation and patience can solve.
In this case you’ll have some work to do together as a couple before you can really create stability in your sex life. Often a marriage counselor can be of help in these circumstances.
There are some that feel that if there is no sex in their marriage they should be allowed to find it somewhere else.
Lack of sex in a marriage is often a reason given for cheating – especially by men.
It seems only fair, right?
If you’re a person with a healthy sex drive, feeling like you’ll never have sex again if you stay faithful is a tough and depressing position.
But no matter how great the temptation is to seek sex with in someone outside your marriage, cheating on your spouse is never the answer.
Yes, a marriage devoid of sex can be very difficult, and it will cause you to be vulnerable to the affection of someone else, but stepping outside your marriage will make whatever brought you to this point exponentially worse.
The better option is to work with your spouse to bring that aspect of your marriage back to a healthy state.
If your sex life has fizzled and you’re living in a marriage without sex you and your spouse are missing out on a very special and important part of married life.
Sadly, many couples living in a marriage without sex become complacent. It just becomes who they are and how their relationship operates.
Keep the following in mind if you’re living in a sexless marriage:
With effort and patience, you and your spouse can bring sex back into your sexless marriage.
What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
Think My Husband Doesn’t Find Me Attractive After Baby? If you think your Husband Doesn’t Find You Attractive After Having A Baby there may be more to it.
Most women don’t think of men as being shy or nervous in the bedroom. To many of us it seems like men have an envious amount of self-assuredness and confidence when it comes to their sexual abilities (warranted or not).
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My husband cut me off for months and claimed it was "normal" for couples to do this occasionally. It ended up he was angry and resentful for something else and cut off sex. It was his passive agressive move.
I lived with 8 years first time, now she's gained weight and has self esteem issues entering year two. It's hard to keep positive, because it matters
Useless article that misses one big point.
Sometimes you just marry the wrong person like I did. My wife just doesn't like guys, period. She didn't know, she thought she would once she was married. Well, she doesn't. I only stay for the kids, then I'm gone.
I wouldn't say it's useless; it's merely useless for you. But I agree sometimes it's just the wrong person. That's why pre-marital sex is so important. After all, you wouldn't buy a car before test-driving it right? But of course the religious types will tell you that it's better to wait for the marriage bed. Yup, good luck to them.
14 years of marriage and our sex life is almost non-existent. I've gone out of my way to notice small things, compliment her on what seems trivial matters, cook, clean, whatever it took to help her see how much she means to me. I make it a point to make sure we get a date night at least every other weekend (I'm usually the one setting it up to make sure the kids can stay at their grandparents or we have a babysitter). I rub her back and head almost every night; she tells me how much she loves it. But when it comes to being intimate (kissing, touching, any form of foreplay - not even intercourse), she just stops, says she doesn't feel like it, and turns over. My communication to her has included everything from "I just want us to feel closer to each other" to "We don't have to have sex, let's just try to relax and enjoy time together like cuddling or light touching" to "What can I do to help you feel more connected to me?". I'm honestly at the end of my rope. She refuses to see a counselor or pursue any form of therapy - solo or together. The only thing left to me, it seems, is to seek counseling myself. But, honestly, if that's what I'm forced to do to make this work, it's not even worth it to me anymore. By that I mean, if she is unwilling to put forth any effort to reconcile our sexual relationship, then why should I put forth the energy? To me, it only seems right that I be allowed to redirect my time and energy to other pursuits such as starting a new hobby, pursuing higher education - things that would enhance my life that I have some control over, at least. I'll never seek a relationship with another woman outside our marriage but what's wrong with giving up on our sex life and pouring myself into something that will at least allow me some amount of intrinsic pleasure?
Hi Heath, I'm sorry to hear that your relationship has lost it's intimacy. It's not uncommon and it can change. It sounds like you are, and have been, doing the right things. Without talking to her I can't say what it is that's preventing your wife from responding. Finding a hobby and staying committed to your relationship is a healthy choice. Perhaps your wife can join you in the hobby - it may help the connection between you. I encourage you to stay patient, relationships have a way of ebbing and flowing. Your efforts may pay off yet. - Dr. Kurt
I think you got the right idea about putting your energy into other things. Life's too short to be spinning wheels. Don't forget about porn and masturbation either; regular release for prostate health is important too.
it been great here
That's so painful..I have been married for three years now and all I want are the things u say you do to your wife but I never get them..
I am writing this in bed, almost 1am!feeling frustrated, angry, hurt, and sad. Once more, my husband falls asleep next to me and leaves me ruminating about our sexless marriage. We have been together for 20 years and only married for the last 4 years. Before getting married, I put his lack of initiative towards sex to his reluctance to having pre-marital sex. We had gone out for 4 years before he agreed to having sex so I thought this will improve once we are married. I’ve tried to have several conversations but he brushes my feelings aside and says he’s tired because of work, this and that. I’ve asked that he asks his doctor to get tested to eliminate physical issues but he went last year to his annual and came back saying he “forgot” to ask. This is so painful for me. He is a good man, very responsible and hard working. He is my best friend but I have started to give up. I have to choose between the death of me (i.e. giving up on my needs, my wants to feel desired, sexy, to be sexually touched) and the death of us. When I try to convince myself that sex is not important in the grand scheme of things, I feel my soul aching an dying a bit at the thought of all the years I’ll have to leave in this desert. When I think of leaving him, I feel selfish.
I am in the same position as you and I have only been married for 10 months before this I was in a relationship with him for four years and we had sex then it was fine we’ll atleast the first two years. Then stopped as we wanted to get married and have sex. Now that we r married we probably have sex like once a month and sometimes not even once it’s sometimes it’s once in two months.. I have given up thinking I can live happily without it as my husband is my best friend because we knew each other as friends before couple. I think about living him sometimes but I can’t as I love him soo much. We kiss and cuddle but I feel like he brushes it off afterwards as it can lead to sex. It just feels like there’s something wrong I asked him many times he said Na nothing or I will work on it.. I still don’t understand what man can be married to he’s wife and live in a empty flat while it’s honeymoon period and not have sex for two months??!?! It kills me sometimes.
I’m there with you, been married 3 years, have had sex possibly 3 or 4 times MAXIMUM during that time, I probably have less sex now than when I was single ugh, I love my wife very much, but sometimes I feel dead inside when I realize she has absolutely no desire for me. Makes me sad and I’m starting to question whether I made a mistake getting married at all...
I'm in the same boat. Its horrible. Been married ten months. Together 3.5 years. As soon as he proposed the frequency slowed. I didn't notice how bad it really was though. 13 days after proposal we found out we were pregnant. I blamed the pregnancy jitters. Then its just excuse after excuse. Its been nearly 6 weeks now. And a grand total of 5 times this year. Our son is 6 months old now. I talk, ask questions, etc. He laughs it off. Its gotten to where he Makes me feel bad for wanting to have sex with my own husband. A 29 years old healthy man... I just dont understand. He has hours and hours and hours for his xbox and tv shows but not 30 min a week for his wife.
I am so sorry for you, I have the same problem with my wife. We have been married for 44 years and I love her more than life. She is so sexy but she has always found everything about sex disgusting. She will have sex when ever I ask but it is her attitude about it that turns me off. I give her two or three orgasms before I have mine and she still wants nothing to do with sex. I caught her in the shower masturbating with the squeegy handle but she still has her attitude. I am so done with her crap.
I've been married for 21 years and it just keeps getting worse. We do it about 4 of 5 times a year. We've talked about it, nothing changes. I'm lonely and probably depressed and being a war veteran might add to it too. Been trough counseling and it's my wife's fault, she has some sort of issue. I've done everything you can possibly do to try to turn things around but got zero results. She refuses to do anything about it and I wonder if she's trying to wait me out for me to have an affair so she can divorce me. That way it looks like it's not her fault. She's selfish and doesn't have very much empathy which doesn't make a very good partner. I'm starting to try to figure out how to find a friend with benefits. Not as easy as it sounds. Craigslist is gone and I'm not paying for some hack dating site that doesn't work. I guess I don't care if I get caught now. It sucks having to live like this and I wish anyone else that is the best of luck. So far mine hasn't gotten any better.