What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
6 Min Read
Contents
Most of us hope that the amount sex we have at the beginning of a marriage is what we can expect for the duration. Unfortunately, for many couples that’s simply not the reality. If you find yourself living in a sexless marriage, you’re probably wondering what happened and how you can fix it.
The truth is that marriages go through many up and downs.
You may even find that the busy schedules of family and work life make sex an afterthought at best.
At some point, many couples find themselves living in a sexless marriage and that can be an issue. A big one.
Short answer is, well – there’s no good short answer to this question.
If you’re living in a sexless marriage you aren’t alone, however. Some studies say that up to 20% of marriages suffer problems with little or no sexual intimacy.
Over years the stress of the day-to-day grind can take its toll on a marriage and certain things - like sex - can fall by the wayside.
But just because it happens to many couples doesn’t mean it’s okay.
Sex is an important part of a strong and healthy marriage, and when it’s missing it can leave couples dissatisfied with each other and open them up to a host of other problems.
So, while a sexless marriage isn’t uncommon it’s also not a normal state for most happy and connected couples. If sex has become infrequent or disappeared as a regular activity, you should consider it a warning sign for larger problems and something that should be addressed.
For most of us our sexuality is an important part of life and who we are.
Our desire for sex can ebb and flow depending upon what’s going on in our lives, but for the most part sex is a fun, important and pleasurable way to enjoy closeness with another person. Keeping this aspect of your relationship strong within your marriage is particularly important.
Sexual activity also engages the pleasure centers of your brain. The endorphins released help to deepen the feelings of love you have for your spouse. Studies have shown that in the longest and most successful marriages couples make a point to have sex regularly.
Does that mean these couples are consistently and uncontrollable hot for one another? Nope.
Does it mean that they’re always “in the mood”? Nope – it doesn’t mean that either.
It simply means that these couples recognize the importance of physical intimacy and what it does for each of them and their relationship.
Physical contact in marriage brings you closer as a couple and helps keep you bonded to one another. It also strengthens trust and leaves you feeling more connected.
When there is no sex in a marriage these feelings and connection can become weaker.
A sexless marriage isn’t doomed to fail, but it’s made a great deal more difficult in most circumstances.
In order for a marriage to survive when there is no sex or intimacy both partners need to be of the same mind when it comes to that aspect of their relationship. Most couples, however, are not.
Typically, in a relationship where there is no sexual intimacy one partner is okay with it while the other isn’t and this can lead to a lot of issues.
Lack of sexual desire for your spouse, or disinterest in sex overall, can happen for a variety of reasons. Sometimes there can be a health or biological component to this, but most often it’s reflective of circumstances or issues within the relationship itself.
For instance, a new baby can put the brakes on a couple’s sex life. A woman may feel overwhelmed with motherhood or even uncomfortable with her post-baby body and therefore not want to be intimate.
Or a man may have a hard time reconciling the woman who is now a mother with the woman he was comfortable having sex with.
These situations usually rectify themselves over time, but if a couple isn’t careful and attentive to making time for their intimate life, they can easily find themselves living in a sexless marriage.
Lack of sex in a marriage can also be due to a couple having grown apart.
This can become a vicious cycle.
We don’t have sex because we aren’t close and we don’t get closer because we aren’t intimate anymore.”
A marriage in this situation is likely to encounter issues or not be able to reconcile problems because their bond isn’t strong enough to help them move forward.
And in a marriage where one partner wants to be intimate and the other doesn’t, resentment and anger can build.
Respect for the marriage, the vows and the other person need to be shown. Telling a person who still wants the closeness of a sexual relationship that they can’t have it will create a divide in the marriage and make other, possibly smaller challenges, seem insurmountable.
So, whether a marriage without sex can survive depends a lot upon the circumstances in the marriage itself. It’s fair to say, however, that a sexless marriage is probably not as strong or stable as those where there is a healthy sex life.
Dr. Kurt often counsels couples dealing with challenges in their sex lives. When asked for some insight he had this to say,
One of the places where the differences between partners arises the most is around sex. Most often it's about the frequency of sex, but other complaints I hear regularly are about interest, initiating, or variety. 'She never initiates' or 'it's always the same and only about him getting off.' The phrase 'sexless marriage' is frequently used by spouses to describe how they feel about their sex life more so than that there literally is no sex. It conveys not just the infrequent or lack of sex, but the deep unhappiness with the sex in their marriage."
That’s not an easy question to answer. How you handle being in a sexless marriage depends a lot upon the reasons you’re not having sex.
To begin with you need to determine why your sexual relationship has broken down.
If it’s a matter of,
or something completely different.
Once you’ve identified the problem or problems you’ll have a place to start when it comes to fixing things. And no, you can’t just point at your spouse and say, “they’re the problem.”
If it’s your spouse who has shut the door to sex, there’s a reason.
You’ll need to work together to determine what is causing their resistance.
Reigniting your sex life is as much about good communication in your marriage as it is about anything else. Letting your partner know (probably again) in a gentle and respectful way that you would like to regain the intimacy you once shared is a good starting point.
You’ll also need to have patience.
A happy, healthy sex life takes the willingness and desire of both spouses. If your relationship has been in a sexual dry spell for a while, getting back to a point where you both feel comfortable and satisfied may take some time.
It’s possible, however, that the problems that have led you to this point go deeper than what a conversation and patience can solve.
In this case you’ll have some work to do together as a couple before you can really create stability in your sex life. Often a marriage counselor can be of help in these circumstances.
There are some that feel that if there is no sex in their marriage they should be allowed to find it somewhere else.
Lack of sex in a marriage is often a reason given for cheating – especially by men.
It seems only fair, right?
If you’re a person with a healthy sex drive, feeling like you’ll never have sex again if you stay faithful is a tough and depressing position.
But no matter how great the temptation is to seek sex with in someone outside your marriage, cheating on your spouse is never the answer.
Yes, a marriage devoid of sex can be very difficult, and it will cause you to be vulnerable to the affection of someone else, but stepping outside your marriage will make whatever brought you to this point exponentially worse.
The better option is to work with your spouse to bring that aspect of your marriage back to a healthy state.
If your sex life has fizzled and you’re living in a marriage without sex you and your spouse are missing out on a very special and important part of married life.
Sadly, many couples living in a marriage without sex become complacent. It just becomes who they are and how their relationship operates.
Keep the following in mind if you’re living in a sexless marriage:
With effort and patience, you and your spouse can bring sex back into your sexless marriage.
What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
Think My Husband Doesn’t Find Me Attractive After Baby? If you think your Husband Doesn’t Find You Attractive After Having A Baby there may be more to it.
Most women don’t think of men as being shy or nervous in the bedroom. To many of us it seems like men have an envious amount of self-assuredness and confidence when it comes to their sexual abilities (warranted or not).
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I appreciate the fact you are not automatically blaming the woman. My husband punished me by withholding sex for close to 4 consecutive years for not being his ideal of a wife. We have worked things out but it was a tough time and I came very close to despising him. Sometimes, despite the mythology, it is the man doing the withholding.
Mr Guy, I have a problem in my married, in terms of sexless marriedge, i feel the desire to have sex with my wife bit when i try to do do the act i automatically loose erection, what can i do?
Hi Bill, You've got to figure out 'why' this happens. You're not the only guy with this problem I can tell you that. It could be physical, but it's most likely psychological or relational. Unfortunately, I can't help you more in this limited space. Check out the other articles under the topics Sexual Problems and Marriage Problems for more ideas. -Dr. Kurt
Here’s a twist. Sexless marriage - dwindled to as little as once per year; now possibly quarterly. Wife had traumatic childhood, directly affecting notions of sexuality. We’ve discussed; I’ve suggested counseling; we died once without success; she refuses further. I feel I’m being forced to become asexual. How can this be sustainable?
Dont worry no sex either but lots of eye candy
Just get creative with porn and masturbation. It works for me.
Porn and masturbation is a quick fix, not solving the problem
THATS WY YOU ARE WHERE YOU ARE, YOU NEED MORE HELP THAN THESE PEOPLE
You should sleep with your neighbor.
If I met a interested and willing neighbor I think I would. Have done the counseling, patent for years, we both know there is no way forward. The porn and masturbation doesn’t fulfill the need for human touch, desire, interaction....
A friend of ours did this. Got caught. His wife left him. Then he committed suicide. A tragic end to the life of a great guy who many people loved and considered a good friend. I wish he had gotten help for his marital problems instead of ending his life and leaving his two daughters without a father.
It has been 4 year and I am still trying to make sense, but my hope is almost gone.
What to do
I am in the same situation - I don't think there is any easy solution. My goal right now is an open relationship. As hard as that might be, forcing someone to confront their demons when they don't want to is practically impossible. So is living celibate, and so is divorce. One thing you can be is sympathetic to her needs, even if it means pursuing your needs in a way that might cause her some pain. There is literally no version of this that doesn't involve pain.
Good grief - I suggested that too - open marriage - and he called me a name - ugh. Just last night I tried to tell him we need to talk about our relationship and he just wanted to be left alone and for me to SHUT UP and ignore problems/no sex/no intimacy- sigh
I would love to have sex daily. As a woman, I'd even love occasionally turning my husband down once in awhile and have him pout about it. But that is my life. We have sex based off of my husbands moods, back pain,work schedule and interest which add up to an average of 2 times a week. I know it might not sound bad, but I have cried to him about wanting more intimacy and instead of him putting effort into making it a priority, he goes 'solo' on himself almost daily,especially if we fight or the second I leave the house. He even withholds for weeks if hes really mad at me. I take it personally that he will take care of himself daily but I have to beg for 2 times a week.
I now want to stop having sex altogether. It hurts to bake topless, go to bed early and naked,shave and put on makeup all for no reaction from my husband. He says he notices and thinks I'm attractive but I cannot get him to have more sex with me outside of his rigid moods. Its killing my self esteem and I struggled all last year with wanting to find validation outside of my marriage. So I theorize that if I stop wanting it, my self esteem can repair and he can continue on happily with his solo sex life.
There is a good chance that your husband is having issues with pornography. Pornography is almost always accompanied by masturbation which may often cause impotence or lack of desire and sexual performance with your wife. This becomes a vicious cycle. Consider this as the root problem.
Wow you married the wrong man. It sounds horrible but tell him you cant live as you are and he needs to change his ways. Let him know your thoughts!
Things get weird when people get married in general I guess... I’m a female married to another female, before getting married we would make out for hours and had sex OFTEN. After marriage I could count possibly once every blue moon at best... I am a very devoted and loving and caring partner but she just doesn’t feel the “need”.... ugh
That's really hard for you.It's like in this life one can never get what one wants in a marriage mostly the sexual part
WTF?? Your husband is probably becoming gay. I will have sex you every day.
Well, I have been married to my wife for 16 years now. About 5 yrs ago she lost all interest in sex. We went four years without sex. Then 3 yrs ago she started complaining about the new bed we bought. She has been sleeping on the couch for 3 yrs and we are basically roommates. We have a pre teen daughter that is seeing this. I am heart broken. She does not want counseling. I am so depressed.
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I would encourage you both to seek counseling. Especially since you have a child that is watching what's going on. You two are the example of what a marriage looks like. - Dr. Kurt