There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
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You tell your husband you think he’s too friendly with a coworker.
He says he’s just a “friendly guy.”
You say he’s being too friendly.
He says this is just his personality and you’re not letting him be himself.
You say he’s crossing lines.
He says you’re insecure and trying to control him. You say he has no boundaries and doesn’t respect you.
So, who’s right?
Probably both of you.
While this exchange comes from a couple I’m currently counseling, I’ve heard similar arguments thousands of times.
Regularly a wife tells me she thinks her husband is too friendly with a coworker. And I get the same complaint from husbands about their wives as well.
To better understand what a friendly husband-coworker relationship means, let’s take a look at some of the most common questions wives ask.
No, being friendly is not usually considered cheating.
But friendly behavior can entail many things, and I’ve heard men describe actual cheating behavior as “just being friendly” many times.
People generally only have issues with their partners being friendly under certain conditions. So, the argument that “I can’t ever be myself” just isn’t true.
What are some of the most common triggers?
When being “friendly” is –
It's crossing the line.
But there’s nothing wrong with having an outgoing, friendly personality.
Are all fine.
But when these occur with any or all of the points in the first bullets it moves past being just friendly.
From the beginning of our marriage my husband has found the need to formulate secret friendships with women and to a point where his behavior is obsessive. The women have sent him revealing photos of themselves and he has made excuses as to why it happens. The latest case he connected with a female coworker and they exchanged personal cell numbers and texted excessively. At first he claimed the exchanges were friendly and work related. Most recently he admits that he did ask her where was the most risky place she had sex and she admitted with a coworker at work. I am absolutely crushed. I have no faith that things will change. When I confronted him while he was out of town he deleted all the texts.” -Sydney
So, why does Sydney think her husband’s too friendly with a coworker?
Let’s see –
Is Sydney’s husband “just being friendly” with his female coworker, or has he crossed the line and is cheating?
I would say, yes, he’s now cheating, even if it’s micro-cheating.
Why?
Because he has formed a mental and emotional connection with a woman outside of his marriage.
Cheating takes place in a number of ways – not just physical.
Potentially.
Being overly friendly certainly has the possibility of becoming an issue for your marriage and that’s where the problem really lies.
Most people dismiss the idea that a friendship would cross the line and insist they’d never let it (Sydney’s husband might even think this).
The reason this thinking is faulty is because most of them don’t really know where the line really is (This could be Sydney’s husband too).
It’s not like we’re having sex or anything.”
The truth is that affairs are almost always emotional before they become physical.
An emotional connection can develop very easily, especially in a work environment.
These connections are often misinterpreted as being “friendly,” rather than intimate. But close work friendships are frequently balanced atop a slippery slope that can lead right into an intimate emotional relationship.
Additionally, the impact this kind of connection can have on your partner is vitally important as well. Sydney says she’s “absolutely crushed.”
I can’t think of anyone I’ve worked with in my 20+ years of counseling who set out with the intention of having an emotional affair, but being too friendly with a coworker is exactly how many of them started.
So, yes, a husband being too friendly with a coworker can put your marriage at risk.
This is actually the most important question to ask.
The easiest and most common place to put your attention is on the other woman. Wanting to learn more about her, obsessing about her intentions, and doing anything you can to get her away from your husband are normal reactions.
This is a mistake, however.
Your focus needs to be on your husband and your relationship with him, not on her.
If your husband is being too friendly with a coworker there are a few things you need to consider.
Here’s another example:
I have been married for more than 21 years. We have two sons. I love my husband very much and my kids love him. 15 years ago he met a 7 year older than him woman (and not pretty woman) at his job and was telling her everything that happened between us. 5 years ago she divorced and he started an affair with her but I was not sure because he was telling me that she is only his friend and he is only emotionally friendly dependent on her. 3 years ago he moved to Canada (me and my kids came one year ago, he sponsored me to get my Permanent resident visa), and she still lives in our home country. But my husband talks to her on Skype every night for more than one hour in the basement. I have told him I love him very much. Many times I went to hear what he was talking to her. He is promising her that he will bring her in Canada, marry her. He also tells me that he will leave me and our kids. But she does not have visa to move to Canada, she is 56 years old he is 49, so I think he is misusing her to abuse me emotionally. Three days ago I moved to sleep in another room. But he continues to talk to her every night on Skype, and I really do not know how to change him. His father and brother have the same behaviour. I miss him very much but as a good husband. I do not want to divorce him. Is there any way to change him? Please advice me how to change his abusive behaviour? I cannot convince him to see a therapist. I know that with adequate help he will change. He is not a bad person.” - Lillianna
Lillianna’s situation gives an example of how far a friendly coworker relationship can go. We don’t know the rest of her story, but I’ve heard stories similar to hers that end with the husband leaving and divorcing.
He does.
But this is also a ‘we’ problem, which means the wife plays a part as well.
In Lillian’s case I’m not saying her husband’s behavior is her fault – that’s fully on him, but something’s also wrong with their relationship as I’ve described above.
I recently counseled a couple, Bryan and Lynn, who’ve been married for 23 years. He’d become too friendly and close with a woman in his office. It took some time in my work with them for him to stop the denials and minimizations and finally admit the friendliness had crossed line.
One of the factors we’ve discovered in our counseling is that his wife had become very critical of him, and as a result he no longer enjoyed talking with her.
So, guess who he found himself talking to more and more?
To fix the problem and keep it from happening again (which it often does), both partners needed to make some changes. And to make the necessary changes they needed to acknowledge that the problem is bigger than just his being too friendly with his female coworker.
My point?
Simple.
If you believe your husband is being too friendly with a female coworker, your response will be much better received by him if you’re willing to see it as a ‘we’ problem and not just a ‘he’ problem.
For Bryan and Lynn, approaching the overly friendly nature of his relationship with his coworker led to positive changes in the marriage. He’s opened up and been much more honest and transparent since she owned how her behavior affects him.
This can be true for you and your marriage as well if you think your husband’s too friendly with a co-worker.
While this article is focused on husbands becoming too friendly with coworkers, there are other types of relationships where this problem can occur as well.
Both men and women can be too close to their parents, siblings, best friends, gaming buddies, etc. I’m counseling two couples right now – one in which the wife is too close to her mother and the other where the wife is too close to her best friend.
Any relationship that begins to supersede the connection to your spouse and results in creating distance and distrust in your marriage needs to change.
So, even though conflict can arise when you ask your husband if he’s being too friendly with a coworker, you need to do it and not ignore it. The risks are just too big.
Do you think your husband is possibly too friendly with a coworker? Please tell other readers what that has looked like.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published April 7, 2022, and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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He will do the same from job to job city to city. If e started cheating before marriage just to make me jealous and have the upper hand he will continually do so. Dont fall for this Ive only loved you and never wanted anyone else. they are worried that the wife will leave and he will be alone. Dont be his fool
Hello. Last year I found out my husband has been texting and calling a female co-worker. Sometimes up to 15 times a day and sometimes they talk for 90 minutes. When I found out by the phone bill, I was shocked. I requested phone bills back to 2019 and sure enough there her number appeared repeatedly. I asked my husband what was going on and right away he turned it on me for maxing out the credit cards. I was devastated and he said it was nothing and no more communication that I am able to see. There was to much communicating that seemed like a couple who were just falling in love. I texted her and asked her if she wanted my husband. She replied in all caps that she is too busy for any man but her husband. I never got an answer that made sense to me from my husband. He kept turning it back on me and the maxed out credit card. I don't trust him anymore. I had trusted him with every cell in my body before. He told me he was sorry for hurting me. He cried and said she meant nothing to him. I was and am his only one. I had a terrible year. I lost so much weight and my mind is always thinking he is with her at work. I know he has to communicate with her for work stuff and her number showed up on the phone bill. He had deleted it from his phone. When I asked him what was going on, he swore that nothing was going on and became very upset. He called me later and told me she had contacted him about something that needed to be done at work. He seemed sincere. I just don't know what to think anymore. We were always very close. When I went through menopause, I had a difficult time. Very emotional, distant and trying to get through it. I thought I was ignoring him and he needed to have someone to talk to. I asked him if her husband had any idea and he said no. I asked him what would happen if I told him and he said he would be hurt. What about my pain? My husband was well liked at work. When he started talking to her his attitude changed and he got written up 3 times by his Executive Director for yelling and getting in other females faces that his phone girl didn't like. She would cry to him and say they were talking about her. I am having a hard time letting go of this. I am insecure and jealous, something I never was. My friend's say he wouldn't touch her she looks like something out of a horror movie. But that makes me feel good for a minute but I'm back to having visions of them having sex in his office. If I ask questions he says "I told you nothing was going on, we were just friends". Should I let this go? Any suggestions how? Thank you for reading this.