Is there No Intimacy In Your Marriage? Find out what you can do about Lack of Marriage Intimacy.
7 Min Read
Contents
When you got married, you only had eyes for each other. There was no room for romantic thoughts of other people. But as time passes and that new relationship feeling mellows, you've started to notice other attractive people around you and can find yourself thinking about someone else.
Maybe there’s even one person you find yourself constantly thinking about. Or you may have made a close and unexpected connection with someone, and now they’re occupying your thoughts more than they should.
Whatever the case, you now find yourself married and constantly thinking of someone other than your spouse.
Sound familiar?
It does for many, and to a certain degree it’s okay. After all, being married doesn't mean you’re blind.
Attractive people are everywhere, and recognizing that doesn't – or shouldn't – threaten your relationship.
But,
will.
So, what does it mean, and what should you do if you find yourself saying, "I'm married but constantly thinking about someone else?"
Thinking about someone else when you're married doesn't mean you're a terrible person.
And no, it doesn't mean your marriage is over or that you’ve fallen out of love with your spouse.
People in healthy and happy relationships can develop "crushes" on other people from time to time.
Believe it or not, these types of feelings can be completely normal. They often don’t mean anything at all regarding the health of your marriage, just that you’ve found someone else interesting and with something to add to your life.
But a "crush" is different from falling in love with someone outside your marriage.
There are two primary differences between a normal “crush” type reaction and the fleeting feelings we can develop toward people outside the marriage, and deeper feelings for someone else that are toxic and can kill your relationship.
These differences are:
Realizing that the girl at the coffee shop is cute, interesting, and amusing is one thing. Pursuing her, having unnecessary private conversations, or trying to spend additional time with her is another.
Being in a relationship doesn't mean we won't meet attractive, intriguing people. These people may pique our interest as we get to know them. When these mild crush-type feelings are more about appreciation for another person, they're generally not a threat to the marriage.
If you choose the barista's company at the coffee shop over that of your wife, there's a problem, however.
Leaning into that crush-type feeling rather than setting boundaries, and allowing the intrigue and appreciation you may feel to grow violates the trust that should exist within your marriage.
The first scenario doesn't mean much. You're human and reacting normally to another person. The second, however, indicates that there are problems in your relationship at home. It should be a red flag telling you that it's time to focus on your marriage.
Dr. Kurt works with couples routinely who are dealing with infidelity. Very often, these affairs began with what seemed like innocent interactions. His advice on this problem is:
It's easy not to realize how powerful our thoughts are, especially regarding cheating. Typically cheating is thought of as an action - 'I slept with my co-worker' or 'We were sexting each other.' Yet all actions begin with a thought. So, being aware of our thoughts and actively managing them is crucial in controlling our behavior. I've treated men who've turned a friendly exchange at the coffee shop into an affair - and some of them have repeatedly done it. Understanding the motivations behind our thoughts and behavior is also very important. A word of caution – some of us trip ourselves up by over-focusing on certain words and their meaning. If you don't believe the word 'constantly' accurately describes the frequency of your thinking about someone else, be careful not to dismiss the warning that comes with this topic. You don't have to be thinking about someone else 'constantly' for it to still be a problem for you and your marriage."
If you’re thinking about someone else more often than your spouse, coveting their company, or feeling like you may be falling in love with someone other than your spouse, you should evaluate what’s actually going on.
Generally, when these more complicated feelings occur, it's because there are holes in your current relationship. In fact, what you may be feeling toward someone else is probably not real (no matter how real it feels) but rather a desire to fulfill needs that aren't currently being met in your marriage.
But while acting on these feelings by cheating on your spouse may make you feel better emotionally or sexually, that feeling is temporary. As far as your marriage is concerned, however, it will only make things much, much worse.
While falling in love with someone else is a big problem, even minor, relatively normal crushes can be distracting and potentially damaging if they aren't handled correctly.
Although you may not be on the verge of an all-out affair, your spouse may feel bothered or threatened by the idea that you're even looking at other people and thinking about them at all.
Wouldn’t you if the shoe were on the other foot?
So, how do you prevent yourself from allowing thoughts of other people to disrupt your marriage?
Begin by giving yourself a bit of a break and understand that being attracted to members of the opposite sex is normal, and we all go through it. Throughout your relationship, both you and your spouse will find other people attractive and interesting.
Then develop a plan for how to handle those feelings when they occur. Doing this is crucial for both you and your partner.
Start by asking yourself a few questions.
Keep in mind that you’re likely seeing them at their best. Your spouse is someone you see all sides of – good and bad. So, if you’re feeling tempted to develop a connection outside your marriage and are constantly thinking about someone else, remember, you only see one side of them – the best one.
Reality is never the same as fantasy.
One reason people focus and fantasize about others is because they're avoiding difficulties at home.
Every marriage has struggles at different times. There's no utopia – not even with the person you are now constantly thinking about.
The truth is that if you were to leave your spouse and start a new relationship, there would be problems there too.
So, if you're married and constantly thinking about someone else, stop and look at your current relationship. The time and effort working on your marriage will likely bring far more happiness and satisfaction than fantasizing about other people.
Marital romance has a way of getting pushed to the side over time. Keeping the excitement alive and appreciating each other is essential to a healthy marriage.
After some self-evaluation, you’ll likely realize that some areas in your relationship need your attention.
Focusing on someone outside your marriage won't make your life better. It will, however, make it significantly more complicated and those complications won’t be pleasant ones.
Instead, take some time and reflect on the areas in your marriage that need fixing and make a plan for how to fix them.
Improving the health of your marriage requires a plan. This should include personal boundaries when interacting with people you may find tempting.
The following tips can help you set and keep the necessary boundaries.
Technology these days allows you to create a connection with others, flirt, or become emotionally involved in ways that don't FEEL like cheating. The truth is that these interactions are all forms of micro-cheating and can lead to big problems.
It's like walking on the edge of a cliff, thinking there's no way you can fall – and then you do. Be smart from the beginning. Call a cliff a cliff and stay away from it.
There's no avoiding feeling occasionally attracted to other people. And there's no shame in it. This goes for your spouse too.
Part of being married is learning how to keep those attractions in perspective. This means looking at the whole picture.
Just because your marriage doesn't have the original shine and new relationship smell it did at the beginning doesn't mean it's worth risking for something new and fleeting.
If you find yourself thinking about someone else in a way that threatens to cross boundaries, remember the following things:
If you find yourself married but constantly thinking about someone else you’re putting your marriage in jeopardy. To do what’s best for your marriage you’ll need to find a way to keep those thoughts in perspective.
However, if thoughts of someone else have become so overwhelming that you're struggling to control them, you should get some help. Understanding why you do this and how to manage it can be very empowering as well as liberating.
Is there No Intimacy In Your Marriage? Find out what you can do about Lack of Marriage Intimacy.
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Hello,
I have been having this problem and know that I have already gone too far. My wife and I have always had problems, arguing, her lack of sex drive leading to huge gaps in between nights of love making and she has often treated me like I am an ignorant child whenever I needed her to be there for me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not making excuses. Anything I have done is my own fault. A few weeks ago, this lady messaged me on social media out of the blue. She told me I was hot and I just replied with a simple “thanks, you too”. I figured that was the end of it all, it’s social media not a singles bar. But, I guess I was just being naive. I know that it isn’t this girl’s fault anymore than it is my wife’s, she isn’t married to my wife, she doesn’t have obligations. I know it’s all me. I have never been the kind of guy who would do anything remotely close to cheating, in fact my wife has “micro-cheated” on my 3 times prior to this and I always took a stance against cheating in any form. My Dad’s life was ruined and ultimately lead to his death after my mother had an affair after 35 years of marriage. I hate cheating. I didn’t at all intend for any of this to happen and now I don’t know how to get out of it. Anyways, I digress. This woman and I, let’s call her Selena. Selena and I began chatting on social media, which quickly lead to texting. At first I was just happy to have a friend to talk to, to get to know and to confide in. I never talked to her about my marriage or my wife or any of the problems we are having, I want to make that clear. But we just talked about our aspirations, our thoughts and our feelings. Something that if I do with my wife, it always ends with her cutting me down. But Selena didn’t judge me, she encouraged me and for the first time in years I felt like I was worth something. One thing lead to another and Selena wanted to have….fun with me on the phone. I wanted this too deep down, but I ignored the feeling, pushed it down and refused to do it let alone talk about it. Then she asked me and I don’t want to say that I couldn’t help myself because we all have a choice, but the urge was so strong that I lost. We’ve done it twice now and I find that all I can think about is her. She stopped talking to me one day and I literally felt like I had gone through a breakup. Turns out she just got really busy with work and everything, but that entire day I was in a horrible mood and that night when she texted me again I felt like the dark clouds had parted and the sun was once again shining. I know that I need to break it off, I can logically see that. But I can’t ever seem to fight it. I feel like I am falling in love with her and I hope that it’s as this article said, more of an infatuation and need for something that’s lacking then it is love. But either way, it feels like love and that makes me happy and sad and hate myself all at the same time. I don’t want to be that guy and in spite of everything bad in my relationship I want my wife in my life always. I can’t picture my life without her in it. I know that I’m probably the worst case you’ve ever seen and I know I should’ve found this page and messaged to sooner because I have gotten too far into this. I’m just not sure what to do now.
Bill, You're far from the worst case. I've seen STDs, pregnancies, divorces, etc. come out of similar circumstances that started innocently enough by just being friendly online. You said earlier you know what you need to do. So, do it, and then put your focus on improving your relationship with your wife (get professional help in doing so). -Dr. Kurt
Hello, I’ve been married for 9 years. Recently my husband suggested we start an open relationship just on his side. I reluctantly agreed and actually became good friends with his girl. But she tried to convince my husband on one of their dates that I wasn’t in love with him anymore. Really hurt because I don’t have any close friends. So my husband has been struggling to leave her and stay with me. I felt used so when a coworker of mine confessed his feelings for me I started to really like how we interacted together. My husband found out and has dropped his girl and has asked me to do the same but I can’t stop thinking of my coworker. I had a lot of love for my husband but after this I just can’t see him the same way. I don’t want a divorce and he has promised it’s only me now but how do I repair the damage that’s been done? Saw this article and it makes sense but I don’t want to feel stupid and used again.
Gina, The wounds and divide caused by an open marriage can run really deep, as you're discovering. Find an experienced counselor to guide you on how to rebuild the love and set healthy boundaries so you both are protected from being hurt again. -Dr. Kurt
Am happily married woman but I cant stop thinking about this guy went out for a night out and he was working at the pub he kept staring at me all night even when I caught him and cleaning the tables whilst locking eyes with me the worst thing is aswell he is gorgeous cant get him out of my head
I believe i've had it that's why I'm here. I am a married woman , married for 6 years to the most loving and caring man. My husband struggles to give me the life i want though, he has always been a survivor all his life and he brought it into the marriage. He does have goals and working on big things and because I moved from my country to his, it's hard for me to stand on my own. Earlier this year, I took a teachers exams to teach english as a second language and i got the job to teach business english. I was happy until I met a student through the platform. Its 8 months of back and forth, I just can't stop thinking about him. He is 7 years younger than me and i'm 36. He also has a girlfriend. Even though we've never met, I am consumed with thoughts of him and he feels the same way. I don't want to leave my husband for this guy, I would like to move on with my life and focus on finishing my music album. I actually discussed him with my husband and we talked about it, yet the feelings remain. What is wrong with me?
Hi,
I am happily married, for almost 5 years now. I currently live in Australia, came here to pursue my higher studies. My husband did not join me as he is still working back home. I started working as a casual employee at a supermarket, and I met this guy who is gorgeous, but has a massive ego. We recently got to talking and he ordered food for us, we sat at the workplace and had dinner, shared few laughs. He casually asked me if I wanted to go to the movies with him, as I didn't think much about it, and I said yes whatever, asked him to let me know whenever he was up for it. Since then, I can't stop thinking about him. He is exactly the opposite of my husband, sometimes reminding me of my ex, with whom I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. Why am I attracted to this guy? I know he treats women poorly sometimes, likes dominating them. I still find that attractive. I have no idea why?