Is there No Intimacy In Your Marriage? Find out what you can do about Lack of Marriage Intimacy.
7 Min Read
Contents
When you got married, you only had eyes for each other. There was no room for romantic thoughts of other people. But as time passes and that new relationship feeling mellows, you've started to notice other attractive people around you and can find yourself thinking about someone else.
Maybe there’s even one person you find yourself constantly thinking about. Or you may have made a close and unexpected connection with someone, and now they’re occupying your thoughts more than they should.
Whatever the case, you now find yourself married and constantly thinking of someone other than your spouse.
Sound familiar?
It does for many, and to a certain degree it’s okay. After all, being married doesn't mean you’re blind.
Attractive people are everywhere, and recognizing that doesn't – or shouldn't – threaten your relationship.
But,
will.
So, what does it mean, and what should you do if you find yourself saying, "I'm married but constantly thinking about someone else?"
Thinking about someone else when you're married doesn't mean you're a terrible person.
And no, it doesn't mean your marriage is over or that you’ve fallen out of love with your spouse.
People in healthy and happy relationships can develop "crushes" on other people from time to time.
Believe it or not, these types of feelings can be completely normal. They often don’t mean anything at all regarding the health of your marriage, just that you’ve found someone else interesting and with something to add to your life.
But a "crush" is different from falling in love with someone outside your marriage.
There are two primary differences between a normal “crush” type reaction and the fleeting feelings we can develop toward people outside the marriage, and deeper feelings for someone else that are toxic and can kill your relationship.
These differences are:
Realizing that the girl at the coffee shop is cute, interesting, and amusing is one thing. Pursuing her, having unnecessary private conversations, or trying to spend additional time with her is another.
Being in a relationship doesn't mean we won't meet attractive, intriguing people. These people may pique our interest as we get to know them. When these mild crush-type feelings are more about appreciation for another person, they're generally not a threat to the marriage.
If you choose the barista's company at the coffee shop over that of your wife, there's a problem, however.
Leaning into that crush-type feeling rather than setting boundaries, and allowing the intrigue and appreciation you may feel to grow violates the trust that should exist within your marriage.
The first scenario doesn't mean much. You're human and reacting normally to another person. The second, however, indicates that there are problems in your relationship at home. It should be a red flag telling you that it's time to focus on your marriage.
Dr. Kurt works with couples routinely who are dealing with infidelity. Very often, these affairs began with what seemed like innocent interactions. His advice on this problem is:
It's easy not to realize how powerful our thoughts are, especially regarding cheating. Typically cheating is thought of as an action - 'I slept with my co-worker' or 'We were sexting each other.' Yet all actions begin with a thought. So, being aware of our thoughts and actively managing them is crucial in controlling our behavior. I've treated men who've turned a friendly exchange at the coffee shop into an affair - and some of them have repeatedly done it. Understanding the motivations behind our thoughts and behavior is also very important. A word of caution – some of us trip ourselves up by over-focusing on certain words and their meaning. If you don't believe the word 'constantly' accurately describes the frequency of your thinking about someone else, be careful not to dismiss the warning that comes with this topic. You don't have to be thinking about someone else 'constantly' for it to still be a problem for you and your marriage."
If you’re thinking about someone else more often than your spouse, coveting their company, or feeling like you may be falling in love with someone other than your spouse, you should evaluate what’s actually going on.
Generally, when these more complicated feelings occur, it's because there are holes in your current relationship. In fact, what you may be feeling toward someone else is probably not real (no matter how real it feels) but rather a desire to fulfill needs that aren't currently being met in your marriage.
But while acting on these feelings by cheating on your spouse may make you feel better emotionally or sexually, that feeling is temporary. As far as your marriage is concerned, however, it will only make things much, much worse.
While falling in love with someone else is a big problem, even minor, relatively normal crushes can be distracting and potentially damaging if they aren't handled correctly.
Although you may not be on the verge of an all-out affair, your spouse may feel bothered or threatened by the idea that you're even looking at other people and thinking about them at all.
Wouldn’t you if the shoe were on the other foot?
So, how do you prevent yourself from allowing thoughts of other people to disrupt your marriage?
Begin by giving yourself a bit of a break and understand that being attracted to members of the opposite sex is normal, and we all go through it. Throughout your relationship, both you and your spouse will find other people attractive and interesting.
Then develop a plan for how to handle those feelings when they occur. Doing this is crucial for both you and your partner.
Start by asking yourself a few questions.
Keep in mind that you’re likely seeing them at their best. Your spouse is someone you see all sides of – good and bad. So, if you’re feeling tempted to develop a connection outside your marriage and are constantly thinking about someone else, remember, you only see one side of them – the best one.
Reality is never the same as fantasy.
One reason people focus and fantasize about others is because they're avoiding difficulties at home.
Every marriage has struggles at different times. There's no utopia – not even with the person you are now constantly thinking about.
The truth is that if you were to leave your spouse and start a new relationship, there would be problems there too.
So, if you're married and constantly thinking about someone else, stop and look at your current relationship. The time and effort working on your marriage will likely bring far more happiness and satisfaction than fantasizing about other people.
Marital romance has a way of getting pushed to the side over time. Keeping the excitement alive and appreciating each other is essential to a healthy marriage.
After some self-evaluation, you’ll likely realize that some areas in your relationship need your attention.
Focusing on someone outside your marriage won't make your life better. It will, however, make it significantly more complicated and those complications won’t be pleasant ones.
Instead, take some time and reflect on the areas in your marriage that need fixing and make a plan for how to fix them.
Improving the health of your marriage requires a plan. This should include personal boundaries when interacting with people you may find tempting.
The following tips can help you set and keep the necessary boundaries.
Technology these days allows you to create a connection with others, flirt, or become emotionally involved in ways that don't FEEL like cheating. The truth is that these interactions are all forms of micro-cheating and can lead to big problems.
It's like walking on the edge of a cliff, thinking there's no way you can fall – and then you do. Be smart from the beginning. Call a cliff a cliff and stay away from it.
There's no avoiding feeling occasionally attracted to other people. And there's no shame in it. This goes for your spouse too.
Part of being married is learning how to keep those attractions in perspective. This means looking at the whole picture.
Just because your marriage doesn't have the original shine and new relationship smell it did at the beginning doesn't mean it's worth risking for something new and fleeting.
If you find yourself thinking about someone else in a way that threatens to cross boundaries, remember the following things:
If you find yourself married but constantly thinking about someone else you’re putting your marriage in jeopardy. To do what’s best for your marriage you’ll need to find a way to keep those thoughts in perspective.
However, if thoughts of someone else have become so overwhelming that you're struggling to control them, you should get some help. Understanding why you do this and how to manage it can be very empowering as well as liberating.
Is there No Intimacy In Your Marriage? Find out what you can do about Lack of Marriage Intimacy.
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Why is it ok to cheat on the other guy but not your husband when you werent even married? Maybe you wouldn't think about the other guy if you didn't screw him over.
Thank you for writing this article. I’ve been in this exact situation and been struggling to get my head straight. I usually do not find many ppl attractive but there was something about this guy. What really caught me by surprise is the fact that I simply saw him from behind and I could not wait to meet him. He walked straight to me with a lady by his side and we had this wild chemistry just talking while the lady is next to him. I thought it’s his girlfriend but he said no, it’s not. I tried my best putting him out of my mind ignoring I feel attracted to him which I now think was my biggest mistake because it only led me to think more about him. We did not exchange numbers and I didn’t see him after that initial engagement. I thought I put it to rest until I saw him recently this is now after 3 months and I still found him extremely attractive. Even though he has a girlfriend now he still made it a point giving me his time and then my thoughts spiraled again.
It’s not until I came across this article that I realized it’s just a fantasy, and it’s my responsibility to take a closer look at my marriage because like you wrote there’s probably areas my husband and I should work on to ignite the romance etc again. And as you wrote I only get to see the good, fun, free spirited side of this other man and he probably has his own issues.
I’m really happy I could read your article because the characteristics this man presented are not the characteristics I want in a man. I’ve been asking myself why do I feel attracted to this guy because I usually go for the more serious type of guy who can hold a good conversation without relying on social lubricant. This guy I’ve felt attracted to is the fun, load, carefree type.
Your article put things into perspective. Thank you so much, you have no idea what relief I feel after reading this. Thank you for taking the time composing this article. I really appreciate it.
Tharaa, You're welcome, and thank you for being opened minded and honest enough with yourself to recognize and admit it. This actually is very common. I hope you and your husband make the changes your relationship needs. -Dr. Kurt
I have one for the books! I have been thinking about a man for almost half a century and through two marriages! We were high school sweethearts together and I was just crazy about him. So much so I asked him to marry me when I was 19 and he was 20. He turned me down saying he was too young and needed to sow his wild oats. So I went on to marry my first husband and tried to forget my first love (no such luck). I ended up having a brief affair with him in my early 20's. I saw him again when I was a single mom and he was married when I was in my late 20's - 30. Then I married again and moved out of state for 32 years, still I could never stop thinking of him. Last summer, we reconnected again and saw each other. He asked me out to breakfast and ended up at the Holiday Inn! LOL Yeah, he couldn't stop thinking of me either all these years, too. So we had a second brief affair in our second marriages. (My 32 yr marriage and his second 20 yr marriage). We can't stop thinking about each other, even after all these years. I've never been able to let go of him and he's never been able to let go of me. How do you get past this? I secretly hope we are able to have our day in the sun someday. Without having to hurt our spouses who are good people. We have stopped all contact with each other, but that doesn't stop the thoughts. I've known him since I was 4 and our mother's were best friends. We spent every summer together & holidays. We have just never been able to stop loving each other since we were kids. Any suggestions?
Laurie, You need to learn some thought management tools. We all have things we can obsess about. The key is learning how to control our thoughts as opposed to fueling them. A good counselor can teach you how. -Dr. Kurt
Did you ever tell your husband about the affair? How did you live with the guilt??
Wow, ok then. Similar high school situation. Went to a 50th yes 50th reunion & started talking to a guy I had a crush on way back in the day. While we were talking I was feeling like I was 17 again and felt this chemistry like I did way back then. Yes I’m married to someone I went to high school with but married later in life. We were friends in HS but never romantic until sometime later. So now I saw my crush again at another get together & thought well here I go again the chemistry was like a lightning strike and as we were talking his wife & my husband were around but we locked eyes and talked for a hour about all our friends & stuff that went on back in the day. When he hugged me goodbye I felt such an immense shock wave through my body we both held on a little to long so I let go first. Now I’m reliving this moment everyday and wondering why.. maybe he makes me feel young again & special & pretty? My husband is a great guy no doubt but we have not had a trouble free marriage by any means. I cannot explain this in my head . He lives far away from me, but our group gets together a few times a year & I just want to see him again & be near him. OMG what the hell is going on? I need help
You just explained the exact situation i am in with all the details :/
I saw him again in this Nov .. I think I’m in trouble just thinking about him all the time .. maybe it’s an age thing, thinking I’m running out of time , but when I’m near him I just want to hug him & not let go .. again we talked a lot together & I told him how good it is to see him & I enjoy hanging with him . He said me too.. We just smile a lot at each other & when we said goodbye he said I’ll miss you .. & I said the same .. & I probably won’t see him again for 5/6 months .. when we all get together again .I’m losing my mind because I don’t know where this is coming from . I don’t know what is going on .. I just don’t know how to stop it. I’m truly messed up in my head . Old school crush?? At my age ?
After being with my husband for 14 years I have discovered something is wrong. I think that he always had a friend with benefits that I never knew about. When he met me that would have made me (sort of) the other woman. I never knew for 14 years. I don't feel special in any way now. I'm just the wife material, not really the girl of his dreams. All of this has a way of breaking a heart so that it is not something you can ever repair. If he was honest in the beginning I would not be married to him. I found a message on facebook where she told him to "never contact her again or she would tell his wife (me)". Tell me what? Should I ask her or am I better off never knowing the truth. I feel like such a fool who wasted her life.
Maggie, You should ask your husband, not her. He's the one who owes you an honest answer. -Dr. Kurt
I have had a serious issue with this for the last three years now. I chose to commit to marrying my wife but have always had a strong relationship with a woman at work. I have had a constant battle in my head asking myself whether I made the correct decision as there have been multiple occasions where I can't stop thinking about my colleague in a romantic fashion and asking if my marriage is what I truly want. We are seeking counselling together but I have never spoken to my wife about this due to her high level of insecurities with other women. Your article has reaffirmed what I tell myself but I still can't shake the feeling I have made the wrong choice as I can not stop thinking about her. It makes me feel horrible as I have never been able to shake these feelings even though I genuinely really care about my partner.
Daryl, I strongly recommend you do some individual counseling to work through your thoughts. It would be best if you did this before couples counseling, otherwise the joint counseling is going to have limited results. -Dr. Kurt
Thankyou for your insight Dr Kurt. I sought professional help and was fortunate enough to have my thoughts and feelings evaluated. Contrary to a lot of the responses here it made me realise that perhaps the marriage I have chosen was for my partners best interest and not mine. I am hoping this perspective will help moving forwards in making the right decisions.
I really appreciate your assistance in this delicate issue.