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Are there dangers to dating while separated? You bet - and for both of you.
Relationships can get really complicated these days. With people marrying less and divorcing more, it's no wonder that dating while separated has become a commonplace and problematic issue for people.
It may seem like no big deal, I mean separated is nearly divorced, right?
Not exactly.
Dating while separated actually poses a number of potential problems.
I most often run into people dating while separated when they're separated themselves and involved with someone else who's separated too.
A more accurate term for 'separated' in most of these cases would really be 'separating,' since few of these people are actually through their divorces or have completely ended their previous relationships.
In some cases couples, because of children and other intricacies related to married life, are still deeply involved with their soon to be ex-spouses. Or, they’re in a trial separation and uncertain of where the relationship is truly headed.
One of the most common temptations people fall for when a relationship is ending is the desire to find a new love - and to do so right now!
Often these people have been unhappy and missing love, companionship, and sex for a long time, and so there's a real pent-up, unmet need for love.
The desire for these things is completely normal. And feeling urgency to find them when they’ve been denied to you for a long time is also normal. Those desires have to be tempered, however.
Moving too quickly into a new relationship is almost always a bad idea, and these relationships rarely last.
Since I counsel men and women before, during, and after a relationship or marriage, including through a divorce, I frequently see people dating when separated.
And with the prevalence of cheating, much of the time one partner has already begun a new relationship and the other partner is now seeking to get 'mine.’
This is not a good way to start a relationship. Relationships that begin out of desperation and without both people being emotionally healthy are going to bring a lot of additional problems into your life.
Once it's been decided by one or both partners to end the relationship, most typically both partners start seeking a new relationship.
Being separated and not dating is one of the hardest temptations to resist.
After all, you're free, right? Well, not really.
So what's the problem with dating while separated?
Here are 5 reasons why it's a bad idea and will only cause you (and your new love) a lot of heartache:
1.You're Not Really Available. If you're ending a marriage, obviously you're not legally available to remarry until the divorce is final, which can take quite a bit of time (more info about dating someone separated).
But when all relationships end, there's also a period of time that has to go by for the relationship to truly come to an end in other ways. You’ll have work to do mentally, emotionally, financially, and practically (living situations, legal issues, and friends) before you can honestly and fully put yourself out there.
2. You're Not Ready for a New Partner. Now note that I didn't say you don't 'want' a new partner. Almost everyone going through a separation does. But regardless of what you 'want,' you're not ready. No one is.
You probably don't realize it, but you're not going to be ready emotionally or mentally for quite some time. That can be hard to hear, but dating while separated interrupts the process of healing, growing, and becoming emotionally strong enough again to dedicate yourself to someone else.
Even if you feel emotionally disconnected from your ex, leaving a long-term relationship brings up a lot of complicated feelings. Sorting through them and getting yourself into a stable place where you're able to be fully available for another partner takes time.
3.You Haven't Learned Your Lessons Yet. Regardless of what you want to believe, you bear responsibility for your relationship failing. There are important lessons for all of us to learn from our failed relationships - about our partners and ourselves. Learning these and taking them to heart helps us to have more successful relationships in the future.
Sadly, most people rob themselves of the opportunity to learn and they most often do this is by dating when separated. If you don't take the time to learn from your failed relationship before jumping into a new one, you're very likely to repeat the same mistakes with the next person.
4. It's Emotion, Not Reason. Getting into a new relationship when you're separated is going to be more about emotion than reason. Your new relationship will be more like a fantasy vacation than a real, day-to-day relationship because you’re not full available yet.
And a lot of the time it's driven more by wanting to escape the old relationship, rather than really wanting to be in the new one. This is not good or fair for you and especially not for the person you begin dating.
5. The Odds Are Really High It Won't Last. Nearly all relationships that begin during a separation won't last. It doesn't have to do with you or your new partner, but just the timing.
You're starting on the wrong footing. I often counsel people with big relationship problems around trust and insecurity that originate from their relationship having begun before the previous one ended.
There are additional practical reasons that dating while separated is a generally a losing proposition because of how it can complicate:
Are all big considerations that complicate a new relationship even in the best of circumstances. If you’re in the process of separating, then these issues become a greater concern creating even bigger hurtles to overcome.
It can seem impossible to control your emotions and desires during a separation.
These all comprise a tangled mess of feelings common during the separation phase. Of course, these emotions often don’t stop the interest in creating a new love connection, but usually drive it even more.
If you really care about your new love interest, however, you'll force yourself to apply more reason than emotion to your decision about dating while separated.
You'll also make your decision about more than just what you want.
If the new person that you’re interested in dating is really the person you’re meant to be with, then waiting until you’re really ready won’t hurt things.
Truthfully, if they’re smart they’ll recognize that you need more time as well.
Let’s recap:
So, as you’re contemplating your new freedom and desire for a new partner remember to make decisions wisely because a lot of heartache is at stake when you date while separated.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published November 9, 2013, updated on May 8, 2018, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Divorce can cause major turbulence in an already complicated time for your teen. Learn more here.
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That's great for you Vanessa, but not all of us believe in your God, and we aren't bound by those rules. To me, a romantic relationship ends when at least one party makes it clear to the other that it's over. Divorce has to do with ending the legal relationship, and quite frankly I don't think that whether the state considers me married or not has any bearing on the morality of dating. As long as you're being honest, taking care of yourself, and not doing anything to harm anyone, I don't see any problem.
Ummmm no disrespect to you dear, but you comitted Adultery! That man will NOT, and could NOT, ever be your man as long as he is married! Period! I'm so confused as to why a side chick or side dude feels that they have any chance of truly belonging
to someone that's married! God gave us marriage a gift. You're sleeping with a married man. What does that say about YOU? It's pretty pathetic actually. There are millions of single men on this earth, and you choose someone else's HUSBAND to lay with. It doesn't work, because he never belonged to you to begin with....
I don't agree with this article. Maybe for some folks this is true, but my 20 year marriage came to an end about 10 years ago. We just held on for the kids, concentrated on them, forgot about each other, and when it finally ended, it was the most wonderful feeling in the world. I've been seeing another woman, we are both in the same boat, and we couldn't be happier. We both will never marry again, but the hard work of kids is over, and we can finally concentrate on getting to know each other. It's like I met my wife again, in the beginning.
I wish I had found this article when I first separated. I think it is spot on advice for me. After being married for 10 years, we split up. I had a restraining order in place-which severed as a buffer to my feelings. He lost it in the end for many reasons & I felt afraid of him. We shared some wonderful memories. The restraining order ended, and now that we are talking, some of my warm and fuzzy feelings are coming back. I have filed for divorce-thinking it was all over. I have been dating a good person for about 4 months now. I have been living on my own for 1.5 years. I feel emotionally exhausted & frustrated by my situation. I realize "now" that I am not ready to move on & that I need to heal from my 10 year marriage before I can have a healthy relationship with someone else. For me, I wish I had waited. Now I am faced with ending a relationship and hurting another person. New guy is not right for me and maybe husband is not right for me. But, if had had read this article, I would not be her now. Trying to unravel emotions from 2 relationships instead of just one. And, everyone is different and every situation is different. For me, it would have been a wiser choice to wait. I thought my love for my husband was dead, but now I know it is not. We could not have contact for 1 year. I so wish, I had devoted that time to ME and my healing instead of rushing into a new relationship. Maybe, it was another buffer to my feelings. UNFAIR to new guy and myself.
Right now, I've lived for the past five years with my "separated" spouse because of financial and child care issues. In that time, I've tried dating off and on and it never really worked out. Aside from the obvious downside of still living as a roommate in respects to your significant other there seems to be a general complacency to not change our situation.
However, now, she has started dating and it has thrown me off completely. I didn't think it would affect me as much as it has and though she claims it is just super casual I've found a very ugly side of me that I don't like concerning this. Though over the years I've asked for reconciliation she has refused me every time. All I can say is karma really does come back to haunt you because if every time I dated she felt the way I do, I can't imagine how she managed to not just leave. I just want to leave because the pain is too great sometimes.
So now I’m trying to get into therapy, so I can try to move past these feelings. But in all honestly, I know the truth of the matter. Moving on together or moving on separately. Five years is a long time to live with someone like this. It isn’t fair to either of us. I just wish I would have realized this years ago instead of running into dating to try to escape my true feelings.
I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. It feels like I’ve lost complete control over my life and I really do not know what tomorrow holds for me anymore. I know that we do not have control of life and we assert a semblance of that control in order to make our lives seem orderly but all I can do is live my life day to day.
One day at a time right?
I'm not a praying man, but I say a simple mantra each night. To be given peace of mind and peace over my heart. To have the strength to leave if the opportunity becomes available.