You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
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When you first started your relationship the idea that you might fall out of love probably seemed impossible. The love was so strong that it felt like nothing could, or would, ever shake it.
But what happens if you or your partner start feeling like you’re falling out of love? This can bring on one of the most painful and confusing times in a relationship.
Falling out of love is a common problem for relationships that are in trouble.
When it happens, it's easy to jump to a lot of conclusions about what that means. You might assume - like most people - that it means the end of the relationship and there's no hope.
What people don’t realize is that the feeling of falling out of love can occur for many reasons and not all of them have to mean an end to the relationship.
Let's look at some excerpts from my Google Hangouts on Falling Out of Love and see what falling out of love can really mean:
Our topic this week is falling out of love. It's a follow-up from our discussion last week where we talked about when you’re loving somebody who's not loving you.
This the of the flip side of that since we’re now discussing what happens when you’re the one who’s not feeling the love. It is actually fairly common for this to happen at some point in a relationship.
The feelings in the relationship change to some degree and then for some of us we actually do fall completely out of love with the other person. So, it's not uncommon whatsoever.
One of the things that we really need to understand about love is that it's not a constant thing.
Love is something that really does come and go and varies depending on the status of the relationship. A lot of relationships go through stages that affect how we feel about our partner, and that's normal.
To expect that level should stay the same throughout our relationship is actually really unrealistic, and that is one of the expectations that gets people into a lot of trouble. They get into a situation where they fall out of love because they think that it should always stay the same.
So, the first thing that can get us into trouble when we, or our partner, are falling out of love is the expectation that it should never happen. Wrong.
Relationships go through phases and love can change over time.
That's the first thing that we really need to recognize – it’s normal to have some give-and-take and ebb and flow to how we feel about our partner.
It is common for relationships to grow and to change and, to some degree, for us to grow apart if we are not intentional about growing together. Because if we are not constantly nourishing and growing our relationships, we do at times feel like we are falling out of love with our partner. It is important that we recognize that that is normal and it is okay.
The most important part is that we actually do something about it. This is where a lot of couples miss opportunities to be able to keep the relationship together because they are not working actively at engaging with their partner and identifying this when it starts to happen.
The next thing to note is that we shouldn't be surprised when falling out of love happens. You actually should expect to fall out of love if you’re not both working to grow the relationship.
You’re either growing together or growing apart, and which one you’re doing is within your control.
Many assume the love they start with in a relationship is all they need for the relationship to last forever.
That’s simply not true.
In order for a relationship to grow both partners need to put time and effort into it. Many couples fail to realize this because in the beginning love comes so easy.
When that starts to change, and when each partner starts to change, is when you need to work together to keep the love and your relationship strong.
So, the first thing is to recognize is that this is normal and the second part to be aware of is actually addressing it. This is where a lot of people really fall apart; they make assumptions when they are not feeling that connected to their partner, when they are feeling that they are not loving them anymore or are not in love with them. That is a common phrase that I hear a lot in counseling, particularly from men: they still love their partner, but they are not in love with their partner. A lot of guys really make a distinction there, and this is where some of the assumptions get us into trouble.
We assume that we should still feel the same way about our partner as we did when we first met them, and that is just not going to be practical. The awareness of loving the other person, but not being in love them is one of the things that often happens around feeling like we are falling out of love. Too many people feel that when they reach the stage where they are not loving their partner that it means the relationship should be over; that's just not the case. Again, it is typical that this can happen, and it really comes about from us not addressing some things and actually nourishing the relationship. It can get corrected if we will actually address it.
The biggest, and easiest, mistake we can make when falling out of love is to believe that it means the relationship has died.
We must remember that just like there were things we did and did not do that caused us to fall out of love, the same is true for falling back in love. The difference now is that you have to be much more deliberate and focused about regaining that feeling and making your connection strong again.
Falling in love in the beginning is fairly effortless. In fact, some people will say they never wanted to, or weren’t even looking for love – it just happened.
The problem is that staying in love and creating a long-lasting relationship doesn’t “just happen” and most people don’t understand that. Relationships that last for years and years take work – a lot of it.
The problem that I run into with a lot of people that actually come to see me for counseling help is that they have reached a point where they have just decided that this means the relationship should be over. A lot of people at that place have actually already checked out of the relationship; they actually take the feeling of not being loved anymore or loving their partner and they cheat on the spouse or relationship and get their needs met in other ways. This is where affairs often happen and originate out of how we reach out and get over-focused at work and hobbies and other things that get us distracted from having to focus on our partner.
A common thing for people is that they really avoid this issue. A lot of times this is originating from us avoiding addressing our feelings and sharing it with our partner. I want to add this point: love is a feeling that changes. It's not a constant, and that's okay and that's normal. It's just important that we do something about it. When we're not feeling as connected with our partner, we need to address trying to get reconnected and grow back together. Falling out of love is normal. The real key is what we do with it.
Read those last two sentences again.
Relationships and people change. Who we are at 25 and what is important to us then is likely not to be the same when we’re 40.
The same can be said for your partner.
When you add to that the many things that life can bring us,
it’s no wonder that many couples find themselves feeling as though they’ve fallen out of love.
The truth is that falling out of love is normal and happens in all relationships. The most important thing is what we choose to do about it.
More than likely what has happened is that for a long time they’ve failed to maintain their love for each other as they dealt with day-to-day life. This isn’t uncommon at all.
And like a car (or nearly anything else), if you don’t pay attention to it and do regular maintenance, it’ll stop working properly.
Sadly, in many of these cases couples just call it quits.
Before you do that, ask yourself the following questions:
Or,
If the answer to the first two questions is, no, and the answer to the last question is, yes, then there’s hope.
This is the point where many people get stuck.
I’m not happy with the way things are and don’t feel in love anymore. But I don’t really want to get a divorce either. How do I start feeling like I used to?”
The answer to that question is through:
But communication at this stage is more complicated than simply talking more. Making an effort can be more difficult than it sounds too. Change can be hard without some expert help, especially knowing what to do and how to do it.
In fact, many couples find the help of a marriage counselor to be necessary in order to get back on track.
As you’re working to make things better, you may find that the fun, romantic, “in love” feeling has actually grown into the kind of love that sustains a family and home, and weathers life’s good times and bad. And that this change isn’t bad, but rather good and what you need at this point in your life.
With time and effort that original “in-love” feeling you recall can return.
Be aware, however, that this feeling can fade again as well if you don’t keep up the effort. Relationships that stand the test of time never go on autopilot.
You don’t stop maintaining your car, why would you stop maintaining your relationship?
As discussed we above, ending the relationship because it doesn’t feel the way it used to isn’t the answer.
Feeling different isn’t the same as being over, and if you look hard enough you may even realize that what you have is actually stronger than what it was in the beginning.
It’s important to remember the following things:
So, if you feel like you’re falling out of love, stop and ask yourself some questions:
If the answers to those questions are, no, then it’s time for you to do some work.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published October 26, 2013, updated on November 20, 2018 and updated again for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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Where do i start, I've been married for 19 years with two wonderful children. Over the last 8 months i have found it difficult to relate to my wife the way i used to. I have come to the conclusion that I no longer love her and the more i read about other peoples problems and feelings the more i see the signs in myself. It is extremely upsetting the more i realise it's true. I'm a complete mess right now with no clue on what to do.
Hi Simon, Please remember that relationships go through phases and take work. The way love feels can change over time, but that doesn't mean it's gone. It may be time for you and your wife to figure out new ways to relate to each other and enjoy your relationship. If you have the desire to make things work then it's entirely possible to rediscover the love. -Dr. Kurt
My wife says that she has fallin out of love with me and wants to leave we have two beatiflut children who would be completely heart broken. We have been married for 10 years and I didn't know this was going to happen, I am devestated and seen no signs what so ever. She's being saying she loves me and how happy we are in our marriege just a month ago.
We have decided to give it another go and look, we have decided that our feelings should be talked about and not leave each other guessing or expecting them to know what's wrong.
We have a happy lifestyle or that's what I believed, we have no issues in expressing our love, making love, cuddling. I don't get it. I've contemplated suicide it hurts so much.
I'm scared that while we give it another go, she's still going to feel that she doesn't love me.
She has said that she is strugling with her mental health and I didn't even know, I feel so stupid.
If she does not feel like she loves me I don't know what I will do. She's mey heart and my sole and without her I am nothing. I'm not a strong man, I just feel so useless and my mental health is spiralling put of control. I need help from my wife but I don't want to push her away. Sh#t
Hi Bob, I hope your efforts at fixing your marriage are going well. If your wife is suffering with mental health issues I recommend she get help from a therapist or doctor. And I would also recommend that you spend some time working on yourself as well. You aren't defined by another person - you are a worthwhile individual all on your own. Working on your own mental health issues and finding your inner strength and confidence will also help improve your marriage. Please reach out if you need further assistance. -Dr. Kurt
This sounds like how my Husband felt, we've been married for 19 years and have two children, he said.he fell out of love with me and wanted to leave, the fact that I was completey unaware that he had fallen out of love with me, I was and am completely hurt by what he thought.
We are giving it another go and last night we made love many times this wasn't just sex this was emotion love making.
I was in a very dark place to the point where my world callapsed and thought what was the point in anything else my heart was completey broken.
But I pulled myself togther and realised that maybe I was putting all my energy into work and my children and disregarding our relationship. I've always known my husband loves me which is why I didn't understand what went wrong.
You're post is as if it was written by my husband and I'm not going to lie the reply from Dr.Kurt Smith gave me hope when I thought it was gone.