You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
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When you first started your relationship the idea that you might fall out of love probably seemed impossible. The love was so strong that it felt like nothing could, or would, ever shake it.
But what happens if you or your partner start feeling like you’re falling out of love? This can bring on one of the most painful and confusing times in a relationship.
Falling out of love is a common problem for relationships that are in trouble.
When it happens, it's easy to jump to a lot of conclusions about what that means. You might assume - like most people - that it means the end of the relationship and there's no hope.
What people don’t realize is that the feeling of falling out of love can occur for many reasons and not all of them have to mean an end to the relationship.
Let's look at some excerpts from my Google Hangouts on Falling Out of Love and see what falling out of love can really mean:
Our topic this week is falling out of love. It's a follow-up from our discussion last week where we talked about when you’re loving somebody who's not loving you.
This the of the flip side of that since we’re now discussing what happens when you’re the one who’s not feeling the love. It is actually fairly common for this to happen at some point in a relationship.
The feelings in the relationship change to some degree and then for some of us we actually do fall completely out of love with the other person. So, it's not uncommon whatsoever.
One of the things that we really need to understand about love is that it's not a constant thing.
Love is something that really does come and go and varies depending on the status of the relationship. A lot of relationships go through stages that affect how we feel about our partner, and that's normal.
To expect that level should stay the same throughout our relationship is actually really unrealistic, and that is one of the expectations that gets people into a lot of trouble. They get into a situation where they fall out of love because they think that it should always stay the same.
So, the first thing that can get us into trouble when we, or our partner, are falling out of love is the expectation that it should never happen. Wrong.
Relationships go through phases and love can change over time.
That's the first thing that we really need to recognize – it’s normal to have some give-and-take and ebb and flow to how we feel about our partner.
It is common for relationships to grow and to change and, to some degree, for us to grow apart if we are not intentional about growing together. Because if we are not constantly nourishing and growing our relationships, we do at times feel like we are falling out of love with our partner. It is important that we recognize that that is normal and it is okay.
The most important part is that we actually do something about it. This is where a lot of couples miss opportunities to be able to keep the relationship together because they are not working actively at engaging with their partner and identifying this when it starts to happen.
The next thing to note is that we shouldn't be surprised when falling out of love happens. You actually should expect to fall out of love if you’re not both working to grow the relationship.
You’re either growing together or growing apart, and which one you’re doing is within your control.
Many assume the love they start with in a relationship is all they need for the relationship to last forever.
That’s simply not true.
In order for a relationship to grow both partners need to put time and effort into it. Many couples fail to realize this because in the beginning love comes so easy.
When that starts to change, and when each partner starts to change, is when you need to work together to keep the love and your relationship strong.
So, the first thing is to recognize is that this is normal and the second part to be aware of is actually addressing it. This is where a lot of people really fall apart; they make assumptions when they are not feeling that connected to their partner, when they are feeling that they are not loving them anymore or are not in love with them. That is a common phrase that I hear a lot in counseling, particularly from men: they still love their partner, but they are not in love with their partner. A lot of guys really make a distinction there, and this is where some of the assumptions get us into trouble.
We assume that we should still feel the same way about our partner as we did when we first met them, and that is just not going to be practical. The awareness of loving the other person, but not being in love them is one of the things that often happens around feeling like we are falling out of love. Too many people feel that when they reach the stage where they are not loving their partner that it means the relationship should be over; that's just not the case. Again, it is typical that this can happen, and it really comes about from us not addressing some things and actually nourishing the relationship. It can get corrected if we will actually address it.
The biggest, and easiest, mistake we can make when falling out of love is to believe that it means the relationship has died.
We must remember that just like there were things we did and did not do that caused us to fall out of love, the same is true for falling back in love. The difference now is that you have to be much more deliberate and focused about regaining that feeling and making your connection strong again.
Falling in love in the beginning is fairly effortless. In fact, some people will say they never wanted to, or weren’t even looking for love – it just happened.
The problem is that staying in love and creating a long-lasting relationship doesn’t “just happen” and most people don’t understand that. Relationships that last for years and years take work – a lot of it.
The problem that I run into with a lot of people that actually come to see me for counseling help is that they have reached a point where they have just decided that this means the relationship should be over. A lot of people at that place have actually already checked out of the relationship; they actually take the feeling of not being loved anymore or loving their partner and they cheat on the spouse or relationship and get their needs met in other ways. This is where affairs often happen and originate out of how we reach out and get over-focused at work and hobbies and other things that get us distracted from having to focus on our partner.
A common thing for people is that they really avoid this issue. A lot of times this is originating from us avoiding addressing our feelings and sharing it with our partner. I want to add this point: love is a feeling that changes. It's not a constant, and that's okay and that's normal. It's just important that we do something about it. When we're not feeling as connected with our partner, we need to address trying to get reconnected and grow back together. Falling out of love is normal. The real key is what we do with it.
Read those last two sentences again.
Relationships and people change. Who we are at 25 and what is important to us then is likely not to be the same when we’re 40.
The same can be said for your partner.
When you add to that the many things that life can bring us,
it’s no wonder that many couples find themselves feeling as though they’ve fallen out of love.
The truth is that falling out of love is normal and happens in all relationships. The most important thing is what we choose to do about it.
More than likely what has happened is that for a long time they’ve failed to maintain their love for each other as they dealt with day-to-day life. This isn’t uncommon at all.
And like a car (or nearly anything else), if you don’t pay attention to it and do regular maintenance, it’ll stop working properly.
Sadly, in many of these cases couples just call it quits.
Before you do that, ask yourself the following questions:
Or,
If the answer to the first two questions is, no, and the answer to the last question is, yes, then there’s hope.
This is the point where many people get stuck.
I’m not happy with the way things are and don’t feel in love anymore. But I don’t really want to get a divorce either. How do I start feeling like I used to?”
The answer to that question is through:
But communication at this stage is more complicated than simply talking more. Making an effort can be more difficult than it sounds too. Change can be hard without some expert help, especially knowing what to do and how to do it.
In fact, many couples find the help of a marriage counselor to be necessary in order to get back on track.
As you’re working to make things better, you may find that the fun, romantic, “in love” feeling has actually grown into the kind of love that sustains a family and home, and weathers life’s good times and bad. And that this change isn’t bad, but rather good and what you need at this point in your life.
With time and effort that original “in-love” feeling you recall can return.
Be aware, however, that this feeling can fade again as well if you don’t keep up the effort. Relationships that stand the test of time never go on autopilot.
You don’t stop maintaining your car, why would you stop maintaining your relationship?
As discussed we above, ending the relationship because it doesn’t feel the way it used to isn’t the answer.
Feeling different isn’t the same as being over, and if you look hard enough you may even realize that what you have is actually stronger than what it was in the beginning.
It’s important to remember the following things:
So, if you feel like you’re falling out of love, stop and ask yourself some questions:
If the answers to those questions are, no, then it’s time for you to do some work.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published October 26, 2013, updated on November 20, 2018 and updated again for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
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I'm having same probs w/ my man too. Always porn. Always angry blaming things on me or someone else. I don't know what to do anymore. Never been so lonely in my life.
Wife of 8 years recently told me she Loves me however not in love with me. We have 2 kids and they have all recently moved away. Is heartbreaking. We have communications issues and I wanted for us to go to marriage counselling together, she advised it would just be a 'post mortem' of our relationship. I guess she is up in the air on this idea as another text from her, before she left the house states that before WE go to counselling we should go ourselves individually. I have started to go myself for my own issues and hope she does for here which, whilst for ourselves, could have a positive impact on us together. So devastated by all of this and it is very consuming.
My wife and I have been together for 9 years, married for 1. We have 2 kids together and up until 2 months ago we were trying for a 3rd. 4 weeks ago things starting getting a bit tense and communication broke down. She told me 'she loves me but isn't in love', very hard to except when you love someone so much. She said she needed time and went away for 2 weeks with the kids. I found out while she was away that she had caught up with an Ex lover, just to 'chat'. When I confronted her she lied to me about it. She has said stuff that I don't think I can let go of, but don't want to give up on my family.
Hi kurt! I really need your advice, me and my girlfriend have been together 3 years and 9 months. After loosing my job For 2 or 3weeks , i don't have enough money to visit her, i always try to make her visit me so i would know if she misses me but nope she never try to visit me. I asked her if shes cheating on me and she said no, and i asked her if i did something wrong or if she thinks im cheating on her and she said no. She explained how her mother and older sister told her that "do you really want to be with this guy that doesnt have a job". That might have been the reason but she told me also that she loves me but shes not inlove with me. Im so consfused weather i should move on or idk. But she said she wants space because she doesnt know what she wants. I really love this girl since i met her from high school, she taught me a lot of things in life. I've also taught her a lot of things in life. But im really really coming down where i don't know where to start or to get back up . It really hurts that she won't even try to try another chance and she doesn't want to force her self to fall in love with me. I feel like i've lost everything and nowhere else to go. -antonio
Antonio, She may not really know what she wants right now, so even though it seems counter-intuitive, giving her the space she is asking for is a good step. Don't give up hope. All relationships go through different phases of love, and I've seen many couples find their way back together. Read the other articles in the Love Is Gone section for some ideas about what you can do. -Kurt
Hello, recently my wife told me that she wants to leave. She had told me twice before but I begged her to take me back and she did. In every incidence I did said hurtful things, I.e called her a b---h or said something else hurtful. I have been a verbal abuser. Just two weeks ago we were in no real fight she avoided me as usual but no arguments. My shift changed the following day... so that Monday mornin I come home from work she texts me and says we need to have a brief talk. She tells me, very nicely that she wants to leave. I was caught off guard because it was a quiet period. She usually give me the silent treatment for like 3 or mor days... we fuse about the silent treatment.. but this time I didn't fuse I just waited. I thought I was doing something good. But when she told me that she wanted to leave I was shocked. This time (and I don't know why) I believed her. I asked why and she say because of all the hurtful things I say. I'm very critical of everything g she says and when she gave birth to our only son, I blamed her for all the problems while I was in nursing school. I was a total ass. Our son was diagnostic with autism... and I took that out on her. 5 years later he has issues with speech manly.. she helped him through a lot and inalways told her she could do more. ... but to the point, she told me she was gonna leave and I agreed that it's too costly because we just started saving again after I started working. So she says well the. You leave and I'll stay at the house. So I ask ,"why do I have to leave?" I'm thinking we are suppose to atleast get couples therapy. She says she doesn't want couples therapy because they are just going to force us to stay together. She said I should see a therapist and that she need to see one too. She say walking around me is like walking on eggshells. I'm so baffled but it took me like a week to get her to tell me everything she feels. I came to the conclusion that the hurtful things I said to her was extremely devestating. I cried because I know I'm a jerk and she never even cursed at me in 7 years or marriage ... 3 years together before marriage. I came from a different background, we curse, name call, argue and then we go back to loving each other... that is the type of family I come from. So right now I'm looking for leases for my own apartment. And I'm lookin for a therapist. But I asked her could I just do a 3 month lease and she said she doesn't know if that is long enough. She is a pearl g extra nice and she tells me she loves me but she doesn't trust me. She said she isn't happy and hasn't been for the last 5 years. Mainly the time I was in nursing school and had no job. Was a bad time for our marriage. I begg to stay at home and work things out but she insists I leave or she will leave. I want to change and I see my ways but I fear it's too late. She says that I'm a narccists and try to control the way she thinks. So everything I make a suggestion she says, " see there you go again trying to change my mind", then states, " I'm not receptive to anything you say at this time." I feel like she talking to someone because she is so different to me Right now. Maybe because she stood up to me but for years when she enters the house she tried to avoid me... she says because she fear I would explode. I have never hit her but she says that verbal abuse is worse than a punch. I texted he to the point that she tells me to stop. I keep asking if I have a chance and she says stop pressuring. I express my love for her and I tell her I want my family together but she tells me right now focus on yourself. I just want to know if I have a chance. I then tell her if she wants a divorce I will sign all papers now. She won't respond. In Maryland I think we have to live apart for a year. She works in policy so she knows this. I feel that's why she won't respond. She is being extra and not giving any real answers about our marriage. I feel Confused but should I be? I said I will do therapy and she says, don't do it for me do it for you". Of course those are my intentions but I want her as well. And how can I prove that I'm sincerely gonna get help if you want interact with me? I'm moving out in less than a month and I keep telling her I know once I step out the door the marriage is over. She told me is just a separation. She says it's the holistic approach that's will be better in the end. I tell her I feel like she is trying to divorce me nicely. I said if you want a divorce just ask.. I won't be happy but I'll give it to you.. I don't want to be dragged alone... then a year later she says she wants a divorce. I know I can be more respectful. I have anger from my past and I have been taking it out in her. I'm not sure why I can suddenly see how I'm treating her.. but this feeling sucks. I'm at fault for the verbal abuse. But she won't give me any answers to let me Know if I have a real chance. It feels like she is tip toeing around the divorce to avoid an explosion. I would never hurt her but I would be devastated. Help me!
Hi Gregory, I'd be very careful about pushing her too hard. Listen to what she's asking you to do. Although it may seem like not working on the relationship means the end, it doesn't have to. I think taking her advice to focus on yourself is a good one. If you haven't found a therapist yet, I hope you will follow through on it. The best thing you can do for there to be hope and for you to have a chance is to change yourself. Working on the relationship can happen after that. -Kurt