What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
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Contents
Part 1 of 2
Sexual intimacy is an important part of a healthy and satisfying marriage. Unfortunately, after years together, kids, and the physical changes that come with age, some husbands find themselves not interested in having sex with their wives.
When one partner loses sexual interest in the other it opens the relationship up to several problems. The loss of connection on a physical level can quickly lead to a loss of connection on an emotional level as well.
If a couple in this situation isn’t proactive about fixing things, they can find themselves facing issues that feel almost insurmountable.
And eventually the possibility of separation and divorce.
Below is a question sent to us by a reader whose husband is no longer attracted to her and has lost interest in her sexually.
Take a look at Mileena’s question and my response that follows.
Reader Question:
After 6 years of marriage and breastfeeding 2 kids, my breasts don't look like before, and now my husband is not interested in me. My husband asked me to do plastic surgery. I couldn't do it. I was thinking about my kids and the long-term effect on my body. The thing is now I hate my body, but I don't want to do plastic surgery. Now my husband not interested in sleeping with me. I think my husband doesn't find me sexy." -Mileena
My Answer:
You're probably right when you say "my husband doesn't find me sexy" and that's why he’s not interested. However, the his lack of interest is probably more complex than you realize.
Most likely you're husband isn’t interested in you for 2 reasons:
Men have told me, and have commented on this blog, that they do struggle with being sexually attracted to their wives, especially after they’ve had children.
Childbirth and breast feeding not only alter a woman’s body, but also give a man a different perspective on what a woman’s body is for, and that can be intimidating. It can also severely dampen a man’s sexual desire for her.
And unfortunately, having children and aging can lead to weight gain (for both women and men), which can create a loss of attractions as well.
The second reason your husband may not be interested is a big one for a lot of wives and husbands, and that’s porn.
Porn use can cause BIG problems in a relationship and can be very complicated. For that reason we'll discuss it in greater depth in our next post -- My Husband Watches Porn.
Dissatisfaction with sex is common in long-term relationships. There are many reasons for this and they differ for each couple.
The most common reasons for loss of interest include,
It’s important to remember as well that it’s not just husbands who lose interest sexually. It’s more often wives who find themselves not interested, and for similar reasons.
So, what can you do if sexual chemistry has left the relationship?
No and no.
What you really need to do is look for ways to bring the sexual interest and intimacy back.
There are a few things you can start doing now that can help this happen.
Here’s the thing about sexual interest – the more you make an effort the more it will grow. If you’re not feeling immediately attracted to your partner, try going through some of the motions that have worked in the past - kiss, touch, get physically close. Often just these small efforts can restart some level of sexual desire.
Remember when you first met and there was all the excitement of a new romance?
Bring that back. Creating a romantic atmosphere and new moments together can help you rekindle that interest in one another.
One thing both men and women often say to me is that feeling appreciated makes them feel closer to their partner. Emotional connection is very important to sustaining sexual intimacy.
It’s easy to forget that your relationship with your partner needs nurturing and one-on-one time. Especially in a case like Mileena’s where young kids are a factor.
You can’t be sexually intimate if you’re never alone, so find a way to spend time together, just the two of you, even if it’s just to talk and relax.
One of the most attractive qualities in any person is self-confidence and confident sexual energy.
That can be hard if you’re feeling badly about your body.
This isn’t to suggest that body enhancing surgeries are a solution, just that you should make any changes you feel necessary to feel good about yourself and be healthier.
The goal should be healthy, not perfect. Exercise is one obvious way to get or stay healthy, build confidence, and gain energy.
Keep in mind that sometimes it's just little changes that can make all the difference.
If you’re finding none of these changes are making a meaningful difference, it would be worth exploring couples counseling. Sometimes the loss of interest by a husband, or wife, is due to deeper issues that may be too uncomfortable to communicate about or difficult to resolve without professional help.
You shouldn’t just accept that your sex life is over if you’re husbands no longer sexually attracted to you. Acceptance of the end of intimacy could ultimately cause the downfall of your relationship.
So, if your husband has lost sexual interest in you remember,
And ladies, don’t forget the power of initiating. Men like to feel wanted, and initiating sex can be a very powerful aphrodisiac when you’re feeling like your husband isn’t interested.
This is the first article of two discussing a wife's struggle with her husband's lack of interest. Read more about Mileena in the second article: My Husband Watches Porn. Sign-up for our Blog at the bottom of this article and get other great articles on men, women, and their relationships like this one.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published March 31, 2012, updated on June 21, 2021, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
Think My Husband Doesn’t Find Me Attractive After Baby? If you think your Husband Doesn’t Find You Attractive After Having A Baby there may be more to it.
Most women don’t think of men as being shy or nervous in the bedroom. To many of us it seems like men have an envious amount of self-assuredness and confidence when it comes to their sexual abilities (warranted or not).
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Erin,
Thank you and we have made an appointment to see a marriage counselor. My husband and I have grown to be so different and even thought we have so much love for eachother I know that we are no longer in love. Hopefully a professional will be able to help us but if not at least I will know I've done everything I could possibly do to save our marriage I'm just so scarred that I'm going to end up being one of these sixty something year old women who hate there husbands and regret their life decisions.
I don't think you will be one of those sixty year old women that hate their husbands. Do you know why? Because you are only 23 years old and you realize there is a problem *now*. As you grown and mature, you will be able to keep your eyes open for how your relationships progresses. I'm not gaurenteeing you that your marriage will last. I unfortunetly can't tell you that. BUT you seem mature for your age and if you see your relationship going down a path you don't like, *you* have the control to work on that and change it.
That's great that your going to a counselor. I personally think that people can fall out of love and back in love again. But first is seeing if you can work through this problem. Then comes the reconnecting and reromancing which can be exciting and new on a different level from anything you experienced since your relationship will be in a different place then when you first met and fell in love.
I really hope it works out for you guys. But if it doesn't, I think you will be strong enough to find your happiness. It might sound stupid coming from a stranger but you are a worthwhile person that deserves to be loved and valued for who you are, exactly the way you are. So is your husband. Usually men that don't show respect or love to their wives, don't feel like they as men deserve love or respect either.
Erin,
Thank you for your comments it really means a lot hearing those things from someone who doesn't even know me. It's nice being able to confide in someone who seems so genuine. Any of my friends I've spoken to about the situation tell me to just leave him. My mom thinks he is too good for me I just need to deal with whatever he throws my way and wait on him hand and foot. So thank you for not judging and just being a really nice person. Although it may have only seemed like minutes at a keyboard to you I think your responses were exactly what I needed to hear and I truly appreciate it.
I'm glad for that J. I think culturally, a lot of people (men and women) have bought into the idea porn is just something men do and something women just need to accept. And that's just plain wrong. I am sure porn works fine in some relationships and I am sure there are women, especially today with how normalized porn has become, that enjoy it themselves. But it's like anything else in a relationship, you shouldn't just accept something that you simply can't. Some people can't accept smokers. Others want to be with people of the same faith. Wanting porn in your life or not is a reasonable thing to set standards for. Unfortunetly, a lot of men aren't honest about their porn use. I think even especially with themselves. It's very rare for men to damit that they may have a porn addiction. I suspect porn addiction is much more rampet than we culturally talk about. I suspect that it's hard for a lot of men to admit that they don't have control over their sexuality and that pornography has a hold on them.
Although, the good news is that I have hearad stories of men that gave up porn and where even suprised themselves about how much happier they felt and how their expectations went back to what would be healthy.
So that might be why your friends tell you to leave him alone. Because they have bought into the lie about how we socially think of porn.
I don't want to put your Mom down but shame on her! No person is sooooo much better than another that they should ignore their needs or the kind of life they want to live. Don't ever believe that your husband is somehow *better* than you. That's not true at all. You are equals in an equal relatoinship.
As long as your husband is willing to put in the effort to fix things, you are on the right track.
Im having the same problem with my boy friend. When we got together i told him i dont want porn or him to watch it if he wanted to be with me and he agreed. Yold him my last bpyfriend treated me bad with porn by telling me im ugly and i should look like the girls on tv. He said hes not like all men and hes not into it. Weve been together five years and jyst had a baby two months ago. I checked the history in his pjone and hes been looming up porn a lot. Even the time i was in the hospital after having the baby. That really hurts. I feel not wanted and ugly. i lost fifty pounds and i shpuld feel good about myself. And hes almost 300 pounds. What hurts the most is we dont have muchof a sex life. For months i couldnt get him off by havi g sex. Only for play. I have been feeling like hes not into me for a long time and now i find porn on his phone. he says he didnt do it. He said someone hacked into his google account . I used my cell phone to look thrpugh his emails by logging into his gmail on my phone and i could view them but it wont show the history. he thinks im a fool. You can only view the phones history on the phone your looking up.