What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
4 Min Read
Contents
Part 1 of 2
Sexual intimacy is an important part of a healthy and satisfying marriage. Unfortunately, after years together, kids, and the physical changes that come with age, some husbands find themselves not interested in having sex with their wives.
When one partner loses sexual interest in the other it opens the relationship up to several problems. The loss of connection on a physical level can quickly lead to a loss of connection on an emotional level as well.
If a couple in this situation isn’t proactive about fixing things, they can find themselves facing issues that feel almost insurmountable.
And eventually the possibility of separation and divorce.
Below is a question sent to us by a reader whose husband is no longer attracted to her and has lost interest in her sexually.
Take a look at Mileena’s question and my response that follows.
Reader Question:
After 6 years of marriage and breastfeeding 2 kids, my breasts don't look like before, and now my husband is not interested in me. My husband asked me to do plastic surgery. I couldn't do it. I was thinking about my kids and the long-term effect on my body. The thing is now I hate my body, but I don't want to do plastic surgery. Now my husband not interested in sleeping with me. I think my husband doesn't find me sexy." -Mileena
My Answer:
You're probably right when you say "my husband doesn't find me sexy" and that's why he’s not interested. However, the his lack of interest is probably more complex than you realize.
Most likely you're husband isn’t interested in you for 2 reasons:
Men have told me, and have commented on this blog, that they do struggle with being sexually attracted to their wives, especially after they’ve had children.
Childbirth and breast feeding not only alter a woman’s body, but also give a man a different perspective on what a woman’s body is for, and that can be intimidating. It can also severely dampen a man’s sexual desire for her.
And unfortunately, having children and aging can lead to weight gain (for both women and men), which can create a loss of attractions as well.
The second reason your husband may not be interested is a big one for a lot of wives and husbands, and that’s porn.
Porn use can cause BIG problems in a relationship and can be very complicated. For that reason we'll discuss it in greater depth in our next post -- My Husband Watches Porn.
Dissatisfaction with sex is common in long-term relationships. There are many reasons for this and they differ for each couple.
The most common reasons for loss of interest include,
It’s important to remember as well that it’s not just husbands who lose interest sexually. It’s more often wives who find themselves not interested, and for similar reasons.
So, what can you do if sexual chemistry has left the relationship?
No and no.
What you really need to do is look for ways to bring the sexual interest and intimacy back.
There are a few things you can start doing now that can help this happen.
Here’s the thing about sexual interest – the more you make an effort the more it will grow. If you’re not feeling immediately attracted to your partner, try going through some of the motions that have worked in the past - kiss, touch, get physically close. Often just these small efforts can restart some level of sexual desire.
Remember when you first met and there was all the excitement of a new romance?
Bring that back. Creating a romantic atmosphere and new moments together can help you rekindle that interest in one another.
One thing both men and women often say to me is that feeling appreciated makes them feel closer to their partner. Emotional connection is very important to sustaining sexual intimacy.
It’s easy to forget that your relationship with your partner needs nurturing and one-on-one time. Especially in a case like Mileena’s where young kids are a factor.
You can’t be sexually intimate if you’re never alone, so find a way to spend time together, just the two of you, even if it’s just to talk and relax.
One of the most attractive qualities in any person is self-confidence and confident sexual energy.
That can be hard if you’re feeling badly about your body.
This isn’t to suggest that body enhancing surgeries are a solution, just that you should make any changes you feel necessary to feel good about yourself and be healthier.
The goal should be healthy, not perfect. Exercise is one obvious way to get or stay healthy, build confidence, and gain energy.
Keep in mind that sometimes it's just little changes that can make all the difference.
If you’re finding none of these changes are making a meaningful difference, it would be worth exploring couples counseling. Sometimes the loss of interest by a husband, or wife, is due to deeper issues that may be too uncomfortable to communicate about or difficult to resolve without professional help.
You shouldn’t just accept that your sex life is over if you’re husbands no longer sexually attracted to you. Acceptance of the end of intimacy could ultimately cause the downfall of your relationship.
So, if your husband has lost sexual interest in you remember,
And ladies, don’t forget the power of initiating. Men like to feel wanted, and initiating sex can be a very powerful aphrodisiac when you’re feeling like your husband isn’t interested.
This is the first article of two discussing a wife's struggle with her husband's lack of interest. Read more about Mileena in the second article: My Husband Watches Porn. Sign-up for our Blog at the bottom of this article and get other great articles on men, women, and their relationships like this one.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published March 31, 2012, updated on June 21, 2021, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
Think My Husband Doesn’t Find Me Attractive After Baby? If you think your Husband Doesn’t Find You Attractive After Having A Baby there may be more to it.
Most women don’t think of men as being shy or nervous in the bedroom. To many of us it seems like men have an envious amount of self-assuredness and confidence when it comes to their sexual abilities (warranted or not).
© 2025 Guy Stuff Counseling & Coaching, APC, All Rights Reserved.
Privacy Policy | Sitemap | Do Not Sell or Share My Information
Featured logos are trademarks of their respective owners.
So what happens when she looses the weight? Although she never said she was over weight. She talked about her breasts primarily. Women are going to get older and things are going to hapen to their bodies. Especially if they have kids. Is the only advice we are ever going to be is to women about how to "fix" their bodies to make him happy? That is so frustrating Kurt. I often hear people give advice that men just want to be accepted. Well so do women. For their beauty and the parts that might not be perfect. Perhaps her weight or breasts aren't the issue at all. perhaps it's him. Perhaps he has ED. Perhaps he is only turned on by certain women do to social and porn conditioning.
So, he is telling her what he wants from her. I hope he at least said he wanted her to look like a model body in a halfway respectful manner. After all, is he a stellar image of masculine prime beefcake? Or is he sitting around nursing a beer gut while expecting his woman to match his personal fantasies? What work has he been willing to do on getting closer to her emotionally, training himself to see her as sexy and ready for sex, rather than allow himself to change his image of her so he no longer has to complete for her affection after she spends hours with children? A quick fix of weight and boob job ain't gonna touch his lazy and entitled attitude. Maybe they could hit the exercize TOGETHER, and reconnect while trying to enjoy each other's real life company, and work on the relationship rather than his fantasy island.
Married 40 plus years and my husband lost interest in me just after we were married. There hasn't been any love, intimacy or sex foe all these years. He won't associate or even talk to me. He lives by himself in the basement and I the upstairs. He also has worked every day on the midnight shift. In my 60s now and really don't care what he does. I hate him and all men.
My husband wants me to have a boob job tummy tuck and lipo I've lost over 45 pounds since getting married and having our first child although I'm still 30 pounds heavier than when we first started dating when I was 16
I am by no means happy with my body my stomachs is covered with stretch marks with some extra skin and I have some sagging. But Jesus I'm 23 years old and I am now saving every last penny I can earn to have a 15000 dollar "mommy makeover" my husband 26 is weighing in at a whopping 240 pounds.... Not all muscle, putting it mildly
I'm still attracted to him I wouldn't rather watch porn wtf? So my question is even if I have the surgery even if I become this fantasy in his head eventually will his fantasy change? Should I continue to save our now sexless marriage or is it just doomed and I should get out while I'm still young?
J, I don't think your husband will be happy with anything. He should love and accept you the way you are. You shouldn't have to get all kinds of surgery done to your body for him to be happy with you. It sounds like he has unrealistic expectations. especially because he doesn't sound like he is in super model shape himself. Please don't put your life in danger just to have some ideal unrealistic body. He should be thankful that your body helped to nuture and make your child together.
I would suggest that you both go get professional help if you want the relationship to last. But if he doesn't want to work on anything, don't waste your time. You're young and have your whole life infront of you.