Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
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Why do men watch porn? Seems like a pretty straightforward question that must have an obvious answer, right?
Men must watch porn because they like sex and watching attractive women have sex is a turn on.
Sounds reasonable, doesn’t it?
The answer just isn’t that simple, however.
Although most people immediately think men watch porn because they like, want, or are "obsessed" with sex, those are only the reasons they're drawn to porn – not the real reasons why men watch it.
It's common for women to think the reason why their man watches porn also has something to do with them. They may assume they’re not,
Those concerns typically have nothing to do with a man’s real motivation. As you’ll see as we examine the real reasons men look at porn below.
Both men and women often believe that 'all guys watch porn' (not true), and therefore it must be okay (it's not).
While we discuss why men watch porn it’s important to keep in mind the negative effects looking at porn can have on both a man and his partner. In fact, understanding the reasons a man watches porn really isn’t as important as recognizing the problems porn viewing can create.
These are just a few of the negative effects, and none of the ones specifically for men (those are coming).
Although men look at porn far more often than women, there are women who watch porn routinely as well. The type of porn and reasons for watching can differ for women, but the negative effects of watching it on their relationship and partners are the same.
Before we dive further into the effects, let's first get back to understanding why men watch porn.
Below are some examples and reasons from the article, Why Men Use Porn: 8 Simple, Yet Surprising, Reasons, by my colleague, Jed Diamond, Ph.D.
Here's some of what he had to say:
As a therapist I talk to many men and women where pornography has become a problem in their lives. For some it creates a moral dilemma. If we've agreed to be true to each other does having ‘virtual sex' in an online chat room constitute being unfaithful? One of my clients, Sarah, thinks it is.
I know if I did something like that, it would be the end of the marriage", she told me. "I know men are different and have different sexual drives, but if I can't trust him to be honest where will it end? Is it OK if he goes to a sex club and gets a lap dance? We had to deal with that for awhile. We've all got our desires. I don't see why we can't control them. Why do men need porn?"
What do you think of what Sarah said?
Is watching porn cheating?
This is a common and hotly debated question between men and women.
I say, yes, it is cheating. You can learn more about why I say so and what others, women and men, think about men looking at porn by reading this article I wrote about porn and cheating.
Here’s another couple's experience from Dr. Diamond where the negative effect of porn can begin to be seen:
For others it creates anger and distance in the relationship. Monica was furious with Ed when the couple came to see me.
I just don't get it. I like sex. I'm available whenever Ed is interested. Why should he be going after pornographic bimbos? I guess an occasional look see doesn't hurt, but he seems to be on the computer all the time. It's wrecking our marriage. Why does he need to do this?"
From the two examples above, it’s clear that porn creates problems, many damaging enough to put a couple’s relationship in jeopardy.
Since this is the case, why would a man risk his relationship in order to watch porn?
There are a number of reasons, ranging from ignorance (it’s a harmless pastime, right?) to outright addiction to porn. After all, with the internet now such an integral part of our everyday lives and accessible with a couple of taps on a phone, the pleasure of viewing porn is available everywhere, anytime.
But why else do men want to watch porn?
Here are 8 common reasons Dr. Diamond identified. As you read them, notice that of these 8 reasons, only 4 really have to do with sex.
If you're a man who watches porn, which of these reasons best describes you?
Take a minute and think about what other reasons there could be.
I often hear men tell me that #2, the variety and endless options, and #3, being able to explore fantasies that their partner would reject, make watching porn appealing and can cause it to become addicting.
I've discovered some other significant reasons why men watch porn in my counseling with men who are struggling with porn. One of the things I’ve learned is that porn is much more complicated than people think.
However, knowing why men watch porn isn’t the most important thing. As I mentioned earlier, understanding the negative effects of looking at porn and doing something about it is so much more important than knowing the whys.
Contrary to popular opinion, men don’t watch porn just because they’re obsessed with sex. The reasons can vary, but they’re more often related to deeper feelings and insecurities rather than a blind obsession with sex and naked women.
Of course, that doesn’t make it any less painful for the partners of men who seem to be more interested in porn than actual intimacy with them.
However, understanding these primary 8 reasons behind his porn viewing may open the door to discussing it and making changes. And, yes, changes are needed if porn has become part of his life. If not, the negative effects on both a man and his partner can destroy their relationship.
Whether you're a man watching porn or their partner wanting to understand why, don't make the BIG mistake of minimizing or ignoring what it does to you and your relationship.
Join the conversation and please share your thoughts about why men watch porn in a comment. There are more than 1,000 comments from other readers - check them out below and see what others have to say.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published February 27, 2010, updated on June 17, 2014, September 27, 2017, and March 16, 2022, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
Wondering if Porn Is Cheating? Find out what psychology experts say about whether Porn Is Cheating.
Breaking a porn addiction isn’t easy. Learn how to handle relapses here.
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I used to walk around with my beautiful man wrapping his arms and hands around me and kissing and touching me in public until last night. I just found out in my 6month relationship was fake. I call it fake because we had both agreed at the beginning our boundaries and for straight 6months I have commented from movies and stories of other friends that their men are disgusting and cheaters for watching porn. MY boyfriend agreed each time! When I searched his history last night it caused a huge fight as he denied until I got it out of him. He said also he wanted to get “IDEAS” or new ways to improve. And he took his phone away from me and I yelled to show me the rest of the history and I gave him a choice, to leave with all of his s**t or SHOW ME HIS PHONE. Guess what? He left. Because the guilt got to him. So TODAY, after texting and calling asking for my closure, he admits that he had several times watched porn and he CHOSE to walk out on our rship instead of telling me and showing me the truth. Crazy lying right? What REALLY HURTS is the fact he has been going on and on about other guys we know cheating and being liars- to me, they are all the same.
I WAS A STRIPPER for almost 10years and know exactly how cheating spouses work. But I STILL have morals and watching porn without your partner is 100% CHEATING IF YOU ARE HIDING IT! I’m laying in bed now deciding how to let go of him and I’m 36, fertile, we just found out he had issues which led us to try IVF and all my dreams of a family has to stop because I cannot continue looking into his eyes ever the same again.
Ive been reading all you ladies comments and sadly you dont know or even care what we addicts are going through. Im talking about my struggle here personally and believe me I have fought this battle all my life. Started young and it became the norm. The feeling of disgust, condemnation, guilt I feel whenever I fall is overwhelming. Ive been to therapists, done spiritual walks and the list goes on. Im 52 years of age and its still controlling my life. Im totally transparent with my wife and at times she tries to understand and at times she is broken and feels disgusted with me. But the huge thing is she supports my struggle. This poison is in our heads. Its a chemical that gets released in our brains when we watching and I can only compare this to an actual drug, just as potent. Believe me I try and try to detach my thoughts when they become overpowering but sometimes it becomes so consuming that giving in is the only remedy to stay sane. There is no excuse believe me for doing it and its wrong in every way but maybe the very minute silver lining is that when we look at these women on the screen they are object with no faces, souls and human flesh. A second after switching the screen off everything about then is forgotten. Its like comparing them to a robot who is dead and cold. I dont do it to replace my wife and believe me she fulfils all my desires. We men are programed differently and thats our curse. I dont and never will condone it but maybe just be a little more sensitive to it. It is an addiction.
I wonder if it's mostly, if not all, the women who want to be intimate with their partners that experience negative emotions as a result of their partner choosing to watch porn instead of being intimate with them? I'm guilty of watching porn but this is usually when my partner has turned me down multiple times over the course of a few weeks and seems uninterested in being intimate with me. I will try and talk with her about it but she gets angry and defensive so we usually leave the subject. She has told me that she doesn't want me to watch porn so I've kept it a secret because I don't want to hurt her. Typing that, I see the complete cognitive dissonance and disregard for her emotions and it's something I've not considered before. I feel so sexually frustrated that it's almost like getting back at her when I do watch it. I don't feel good afterwards so perhaps this is more of an addiction problem for me personally. She will feel negative emotions from me watching porn and I feel negative emotions from her disinterest in being intimate with me.
J, Congrats on doing some self-reflection as you type this comment and not just blaming and justifying your behavior based on her. You need the same kind of response from her, so doing this yourself will get you closer to her possibly seeing and making changes in herself too. This is how relationships change and improve. It's the first step. -Dr. Kurt
I have caught my partner 'red-handed' 4 times looking at online porn and masterbating. The last time I told him I would leave him if he did it again. The first time I caught him we had been in bed all afternoon, I popped out to get something and when I realised I had forgottern my purse and went back in....there he was, computer, cam and earphones all set up.
Last week I caught him again. I am leaving. He wont seek the help he knows he needs. He wont get help so I won't be staying. He had a horrid childhood and blames that. So at 73 he is still at it.
I have tried to be understanding, I have offered to be his 'bit of porn' But I'm getting on a bit myself and the women he talks to are all young. Take it from an old bird all you guys that think it is acceptable. In a relationship ITS NOT
Totally agree Eric.
I was beginning to think I was the only one who thought what I just read you said. THANKS