Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
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Why do men watch porn? Seems like a pretty straightforward question that must have an obvious answer, right?
Men must watch porn because they like sex and watching attractive women have sex is a turn on.
Sounds reasonable, doesn’t it?
The answer just isn’t that simple, however.
Although most people immediately think men watch porn because they like, want, or are "obsessed" with sex, those are only the reasons they're drawn to porn – not the real reasons why men watch it.
It's common for women to think the reason why their man watches porn also has something to do with them. They may assume they’re not,
Those concerns typically have nothing to do with a man’s real motivation. As you’ll see as we examine the real reasons men look at porn below.
Both men and women often believe that 'all guys watch porn' (not true), and therefore it must be okay (it's not).
While we discuss why men watch porn it’s important to keep in mind the negative effects looking at porn can have on both a man and his partner. In fact, understanding the reasons a man watches porn really isn’t as important as recognizing the problems porn viewing can create.
These are just a few of the negative effects, and none of the ones specifically for men (those are coming).
Although men look at porn far more often than women, there are women who watch porn routinely as well. The type of porn and reasons for watching can differ for women, but the negative effects of watching it on their relationship and partners are the same.
Before we dive further into the effects, let's first get back to understanding why men watch porn.
Below are some examples and reasons from the article, Why Men Use Porn: 8 Simple, Yet Surprising, Reasons, by my colleague, Jed Diamond, Ph.D.
Here's some of what he had to say:
As a therapist I talk to many men and women where pornography has become a problem in their lives. For some it creates a moral dilemma. If we've agreed to be true to each other does having ‘virtual sex' in an online chat room constitute being unfaithful? One of my clients, Sarah, thinks it is.
I know if I did something like that, it would be the end of the marriage", she told me. "I know men are different and have different sexual drives, but if I can't trust him to be honest where will it end? Is it OK if he goes to a sex club and gets a lap dance? We had to deal with that for awhile. We've all got our desires. I don't see why we can't control them. Why do men need porn?"
What do you think of what Sarah said?
Is watching porn cheating?
This is a common and hotly debated question between men and women.
I say, yes, it is cheating. You can learn more about why I say so and what others, women and men, think about men looking at porn by reading this article I wrote about porn and cheating.
Here’s another couple's experience from Dr. Diamond where the negative effect of porn can begin to be seen:
For others it creates anger and distance in the relationship. Monica was furious with Ed when the couple came to see me.
I just don't get it. I like sex. I'm available whenever Ed is interested. Why should he be going after pornographic bimbos? I guess an occasional look see doesn't hurt, but he seems to be on the computer all the time. It's wrecking our marriage. Why does he need to do this?"
From the two examples above, it’s clear that porn creates problems, many damaging enough to put a couple’s relationship in jeopardy.
Since this is the case, why would a man risk his relationship in order to watch porn?
There are a number of reasons, ranging from ignorance (it’s a harmless pastime, right?) to outright addiction to porn. After all, with the internet now such an integral part of our everyday lives and accessible with a couple of taps on a phone, the pleasure of viewing porn is available everywhere, anytime.
But why else do men want to watch porn?
Here are 8 common reasons Dr. Diamond identified. As you read them, notice that of these 8 reasons, only 4 really have to do with sex.
If you're a man who watches porn, which of these reasons best describes you?
Take a minute and think about what other reasons there could be.
I often hear men tell me that #2, the variety and endless options, and #3, being able to explore fantasies that their partner would reject, make watching porn appealing and can cause it to become addicting.
I've discovered some other significant reasons why men watch porn in my counseling with men who are struggling with porn. One of the things I’ve learned is that porn is much more complicated than people think.
However, knowing why men watch porn isn’t the most important thing. As I mentioned earlier, understanding the negative effects of looking at porn and doing something about it is so much more important than knowing the whys.
Contrary to popular opinion, men don’t watch porn just because they’re obsessed with sex. The reasons can vary, but they’re more often related to deeper feelings and insecurities rather than a blind obsession with sex and naked women.
Of course, that doesn’t make it any less painful for the partners of men who seem to be more interested in porn than actual intimacy with them.
However, understanding these primary 8 reasons behind his porn viewing may open the door to discussing it and making changes. And, yes, changes are needed if porn has become part of his life. If not, the negative effects on both a man and his partner can destroy their relationship.
Whether you're a man watching porn or their partner wanting to understand why, don't make the BIG mistake of minimizing or ignoring what it does to you and your relationship.
Join the conversation and please share your thoughts about why men watch porn in a comment. There are more than 1,000 comments from other readers - check them out below and see what others have to say.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published February 27, 2010, updated on June 17, 2014, September 27, 2017, and March 16, 2022, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
Wondering if Porn Is Cheating? Find out what psychology experts say about whether Porn Is Cheating.
Breaking a porn addiction isn’t easy. Learn how to handle relapses here.
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Hi Emily, I am soooooo sorry this is happening to you. I recently had to end a 5 year relationship for the same reason. Although my ex eventually tried to have normal foreplay and sex..his heart was aways detached as if he was not even there. I finally broke it off because I accidentally cracked into his search engine... and saw that 3 time per day fro at least 20 min for over a decade - Even in his previous marriage he watches extreme porn but he never would tell me what kind. I also saw that he was going to prostitutes and local sex sites where men post their penis and then meet up in are for sex...this happened when he watched his daughter after she went to bed. (dear god) He and I were ready to even by a home together. I still am grieving. I told him after I found it all I am at his side for him to seek help. SLAA or therapy. He wanted none of it. He also said that my needs ruined sex and that he just wanted to "f**k". no kissing no eye contact...just s**k him and f**k him like in porn. Sometimes I dressed slutty with wigs and all and did this as gift to him... but it never made me feel loved, even if I had an orgasm. it felt cheap and just physical hate lust not healthy animal passion...nor holy or deep and connected..He wants the good wife who turns a blind eye. The neglect of my sexuality and the damaged his sex addiction did to my esteem was horrid. I am a model and I LOVE sex....and still was never enough for him...NO WOMAN WILL EVER BE. He is a full blown sex addict. I just pray his 13 year old daughter will be safe.
boyfriend mid 50s views on line porn and masturbates when Im not around said hes done it for a long time. He can get an erection can have sex cant ejaculate through sex, only through rimming and masturbation. He doesnt do oral sex, he doesnt do foreplay on me. He has denied my advances and used porn later. Does he have an issue with porn? I think he may have
Joanna, Porn and porn addiction are tricky. The things you bring up leave room for a number of other questions. Based on just what you have mentioned, it would be hard for me to offer any real opinion. Porn is probably part of an overall larger issue. I would suggest you find someone to speak to as a couple. -Dr. Kurt
Thanks for your response - this is a newish relationship and Im unsure what to think - but at this stage counselling is not on the agenda - I have no idea as to the wider things that may be going on - I am thinking that maybe he is not sexually attracted to me - we get on nicely - but that is a different attraction - am confused - and would really appreciate some advise - please ask me anything I would be happy to respond
My husband used to watch porn once in a while.Even I didn't object because it was once in a bluemoon. He is a very loving and caring husband. Some 6-7 months back he was added in a whatsapp group of old school friends where they regularly post porn videos.Eventhough i objected to this daily watching he consoled me saying it is therein everybodys phone and not a big issue.I believed him.The isaw him forwading pictures oif bkini clad beautiful woman from different angles to oother friends.Off late I started noticing a change in his behaviour. i had a feeling that he stares at other woman. Even when he watches TV when any debate including attractive woman comes he won't change the channel saying the talk sensibly. I don't know whether I am over reacting.But I can feel a different look in his face. He was a man of good reputation and he had never looked at another woman in a disrespectful way. Actually woman were comfortable in his presence. Three days back I caught him Staring at a lady in miniskirt walking down the road in traffic signal. he watched for almost 1 minute till that girl walked away.I confronted him later and finally he agreed he looked too long. But he was justifying saying ,He had asked me multiple times to lose weight but I didn,t do , indirectly implying tis is what made him do that. But I was fat for almost 4-5 years and honestly I didn't try much to lose weight. But I promised him totry and he said he will control his checking habit. Do you think I am responsible for this or th browsing half naked woman everday caused this. Please give a honest answer. i wnt to really help him out. Will he be able to come out of this.HE IS 46 AND i AM 44
Hi Joanna,
I'm truly sorry to hear of your issues. You have asked for an honest answer and I will give you one which I hope helps you understand your situation and maybe some other women who feel in a similar
situation. At the end of the day, your issue (and many of the issues of others) are based around jealousy and/or insecurity. Early days you stated you had no problem with him seeing a bit of porn
because he only saw it 'once in a blue moon'. Unfortunately the 'once in a blue moon' would likely have been more than you knew of and he rightly wouldn't have made it clear how much he was
watching, as he probably didn't want to hurt you. Once it became more obvious to you as to what he looks at, due to old friends etc, you started to realise he sees and enjoys more nakedness or beauty
than you would like. His behaviour has likely not changed over the time, it's only you have started to take more notice of what he is looking at. In the past, he probably looked at other women and you
wouldn't have thought anything of it but now that you are keeping a keen eye on what he sees, you are noticing more.
It really boils down to not being jealous of what he sees and not feeling insecure about yourself not being as 'good' as others he sees. This only works if you are both strong in your relationship and also
as long as it doesn't affect other parts of life ie: work, sex life etc. It works both ways too. Respect is an important part of a relationship and while what he 'sees' should have no effect on your
relationship, he should also realise that you may feel insecure or not like particular actions, so he should be considerate enough to not shove it in your face and be descreet in what he 'takes notice of'
around you. At the end of the day, you need not feel insecure about what your spouse sees as he loves YOU. He chose YOU. He wants to spend his life with YOU. Plenty of beauty can be seen and enjoyed
of both males and females but they should be seen as 'entertainment' rather than infidelity - and certainly nothing to be jealous of. I do understand that for women especially, it can be very difficult to not
feel insecure as you constantly compare yourselves to other females but that is the fault of society and women need to try to learn to not let it affect them. If you feel you were overweight, well that's an
issue for you to deal with if that is what you want. We should all aim to be as healthy as possible but it isn't always possible. We do all want to look our best for our spouses but we will still love them for
who they are anyway.
Many women (and men) struggle to come to terms with the fact that their other halves can take pleasure from seeing other females (or males in men's cases). It is unfortunately natural and nothing to be
concerned about. Again I reiterate, this is based on a strong loving relationship. If there is a history of infidelity, then there are other issues to deal with but if both parties have always been faithful, there
is no reason both can't enjoy looking at a bit of 'Magic Mike' or 'Dirty Debbie' when it takes their fancy. If people would understand that 'seeing' and 'thinking' is not cheating, they may actually enjoy their
relationships more and have far less trust and jealous issues.
Hope this helps some of you.
Surprised SELF ESTEEM isn’t among the 8 reasons. (May need to add another.) Specifically, men feeling they’re not well endowed enough. Doesn’t take a lot of psychological insight required to grasp this. What man who is average or smaller wouldn't want to be above average? What woman doesn't want to have above average sized breasts? Additionally, when people watch movies don’t they VICARIOUSLY put themselves in the place of the actors in the film? Who doesn't want to be a hero? And what man wouldn't want to be that well endowed guy ever capable of supplying their woman a climax? Statistics indicate only about 1/3 of women actually achieve orgasms during intercourse. Wouldn’t it be understandable for 2/3 of men to feel like THEY are not endowed enough to give their gal an orgasm. Even with her encouragement, "It's okay, it's not you, it's just me!" But deep down do men believe it? In porn they see well hung guys being able to give any woman an orgasm, sometimes two or three! Among the 2/3 of men who are average sized or less and are with one of the 2/3 of the women who don’t climax during intercourse, don’t they wonder if it’s because they’re not among 1/3 of men who are above average? Reasoning if they were - then their gal would actually be among the 1/3 who do climax. In the love/romance novels is the leading man EVER average or less endowed? Does the heroine desire him because he’s witty, dashing, rich, or whatever? No, it’s because of the way he makes her feel; she cannot get enough of him, a certain part of him! FYI women write the majority of these novels knowing the majority of their target readers are non-orgasmic through intercourse. Don’t all normal women desire to have an orgasm through intercourse? And what decent spouse wouldn’t want to be the guy to do it? But when it doesn’t happen doesn’t he naturally consider it’s his fault. How many women on this post wonder if it’s their fault their man looks at porn? There are reasons behind every problem and most considerate people will take that burden upon themselves. Wouldn't surprise me if SELF ESTEEM wasn't the biggest reason why men look at porn. Some surveys indicate well over 60% of men are not satisfied with their size. Again, studies indicate only 1 in 3 women have a climax during intercourse, but they do not say whether those women happen to be with the 1 in 3 men who are in the higher range of endowment. If true, would be a real kick in the pants to the “Size Doesn’t Matter” mantra. Other thoughts - Why is penis enlargement a multi-billion dollar industry? Are women with well hung men inclined to do Kegal exercises? Is help in that area even needed? No matter which side of this you’re on, all excuses aside, hurting is definitely going on. Please re-read and think before leaving disparaging comments.
My partner has compulsily lied to me about watching porn. Either he isnt smart about it or just doesnt care if i find it? and when i ask him he would either get mad or just lie through his teeth. After many times doing this he eventually told me the truth, told me he would never do it again , and was very apologetic. Then i find it again. Ive asked to watch it with him but he didnt want too. I then put it infront of him when we had sex and he cryed and said he couldnt go on. Long story short he has continued. I caught him out this final time and told me the truth streight away as i said that would be it. Obiously i dont like this and has pushed me away from him despite the love i feel for him. I am now thinking about asking him to do it with me again and see if he will go through with it. Ive said i would do anything for him but i have to be apart of it. If he is doing it behind my back its cheating and i dont do that to him. But the thing is i dont even really want to do that i am only doing it to please him.!! .... why should us girls feel like this?? we bare their child and grow up dreaming to be treat like princesses. When in the real world it isnt like this , and the real fact is why should i treat him and do this for him when he is making me feel like this??, its such a disappointment. Should i do it with him?? see if he will be him self, if he isnt and starts saying he cant do it , should i get rid cos he isnt being real is he.? and hope that it will just be a faze that will fizzle out
Porn addiction can be difficult to handle. Often men (or women) dealing with this need the help of a professional counselor. If he is struggling you might suggest this to him. There is no shame in seeking help.
That being said, you should not feel pressured to do something you aren't comfortable with. You don't need to be part of that, it will only fuel the addiction. Please remember to take care of yourself as well. -Dr. Kurt