Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
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Why do men watch porn? Seems like a pretty straightforward question that must have an obvious answer, right?
Men must watch porn because they like sex and watching attractive women have sex is a turn on.
Sounds reasonable, doesn’t it?
The answer just isn’t that simple, however.
Although most people immediately think men watch porn because they like, want, or are "obsessed" with sex, those are only the reasons they're drawn to porn – not the real reasons why men watch it.
It's common for women to think the reason why their man watches porn also has something to do with them. They may assume they’re not,
Those concerns typically have nothing to do with a man’s real motivation. As you’ll see as we examine the real reasons men look at porn below.
Both men and women often believe that 'all guys watch porn' (not true), and therefore it must be okay (it's not).
While we discuss why men watch porn it’s important to keep in mind the negative effects looking at porn can have on both a man and his partner. In fact, understanding the reasons a man watches porn really isn’t as important as recognizing the problems porn viewing can create.
These are just a few of the negative effects, and none of the ones specifically for men (those are coming).
Although men look at porn far more often than women, there are women who watch porn routinely as well. The type of porn and reasons for watching can differ for women, but the negative effects of watching it on their relationship and partners are the same.
Before we dive further into the effects, let's first get back to understanding why men watch porn.
Below are some examples and reasons from the article, Why Men Use Porn: 8 Simple, Yet Surprising, Reasons, by my colleague, Jed Diamond, Ph.D.
Here's some of what he had to say:
As a therapist I talk to many men and women where pornography has become a problem in their lives. For some it creates a moral dilemma. If we've agreed to be true to each other does having ‘virtual sex' in an online chat room constitute being unfaithful? One of my clients, Sarah, thinks it is.
I know if I did something like that, it would be the end of the marriage", she told me. "I know men are different and have different sexual drives, but if I can't trust him to be honest where will it end? Is it OK if he goes to a sex club and gets a lap dance? We had to deal with that for awhile. We've all got our desires. I don't see why we can't control them. Why do men need porn?"
What do you think of what Sarah said?
Is watching porn cheating?
This is a common and hotly debated question between men and women.
I say, yes, it is cheating. You can learn more about why I say so and what others, women and men, think about men looking at porn by reading this article I wrote about porn and cheating.
Here’s another couple's experience from Dr. Diamond where the negative effect of porn can begin to be seen:
For others it creates anger and distance in the relationship. Monica was furious with Ed when the couple came to see me.
I just don't get it. I like sex. I'm available whenever Ed is interested. Why should he be going after pornographic bimbos? I guess an occasional look see doesn't hurt, but he seems to be on the computer all the time. It's wrecking our marriage. Why does he need to do this?"
From the two examples above, it’s clear that porn creates problems, many damaging enough to put a couple’s relationship in jeopardy.
Since this is the case, why would a man risk his relationship in order to watch porn?
There are a number of reasons, ranging from ignorance (it’s a harmless pastime, right?) to outright addiction to porn. After all, with the internet now such an integral part of our everyday lives and accessible with a couple of taps on a phone, the pleasure of viewing porn is available everywhere, anytime.
But why else do men want to watch porn?
Here are 8 common reasons Dr. Diamond identified. As you read them, notice that of these 8 reasons, only 4 really have to do with sex.
If you're a man who watches porn, which of these reasons best describes you?
Take a minute and think about what other reasons there could be.
I often hear men tell me that #2, the variety and endless options, and #3, being able to explore fantasies that their partner would reject, make watching porn appealing and can cause it to become addicting.
I've discovered some other significant reasons why men watch porn in my counseling with men who are struggling with porn. One of the things I’ve learned is that porn is much more complicated than people think.
However, knowing why men watch porn isn’t the most important thing. As I mentioned earlier, understanding the negative effects of looking at porn and doing something about it is so much more important than knowing the whys.
Contrary to popular opinion, men don’t watch porn just because they’re obsessed with sex. The reasons can vary, but they’re more often related to deeper feelings and insecurities rather than a blind obsession with sex and naked women.
Of course, that doesn’t make it any less painful for the partners of men who seem to be more interested in porn than actual intimacy with them.
However, understanding these primary 8 reasons behind his porn viewing may open the door to discussing it and making changes. And, yes, changes are needed if porn has become part of his life. If not, the negative effects on both a man and his partner can destroy their relationship.
Whether you're a man watching porn or their partner wanting to understand why, don't make the BIG mistake of minimizing or ignoring what it does to you and your relationship.
Join the conversation and please share your thoughts about why men watch porn in a comment. There are more than 1,000 comments from other readers - check them out below and see what others have to say.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published February 27, 2010, updated on June 17, 2014, September 27, 2017, and March 16, 2022, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
Wondering if Porn Is Cheating? Find out what psychology experts say about whether Porn Is Cheating.
Breaking a porn addiction isn’t easy. Learn how to handle relapses here.
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lol, are you seriously that upset about your husband watching porn? The way you are speaking is if to say he is some kind of monster for watching Porn. That's not very fair considering probably 99% of men "watch porn" EVEN if YOU don't believe it, or want to accept it...Even men who say they don't watch porn, are more than likely lying...Unless of course he's some completely straight laced religious fanatic or something, even then he would probably STILL watch porn, lol
Sorry to say but your idea of how a man should behave doesn't seem to be very reasonable..or realistic...and you are treating your husband as if he hurt you intentionally.. Believe me, the general consensus would be that if you surveyed 1000 people and asked them if they believe that watching porn hurts their spouse to a point of "Complete Mental Annihilation" (as it appears it has done to you), you might have ONE person out of a thousand that believes that's a reasonable behavior for discovering that your spouse is watching porn.
So basically, I don't mean to be rude, but I suggest maybe not being so dramatic about this. I don't feel (and many people would agree with me) that finding out that your spouse masturbates to porn is really that big of a deal, definitely not a big enough deal to "END your Internal World."
again sorry to say but if you told 1000 people that you ended your relationship with your husband because he watched a SINGLE PORN VIDEO, they might not agree with what you did.
Hi David, knowing the man you love is watching porn can feel very hurtful. It does not really matter if you believe that to be a legitimate feeling or not. People's feelings are indications of their own personal boundaries. Which may not be your boundaries. Which is fine. There are probably things you wouldn't feel 100% good about a woman doing in a relationship with you. There is no reason to try to delegitimatize another's feelings.
Please remember that porn is made for men and their fantasies. The women are fantasy projections that real women know they can't live up to. Most women would love to be enough of a woman to make her partner happy without him turning to beautiful, often times, younger women for satisfaction. Porn exploits all the areas and judgements women deal with in society in regards to our feminists, beauty and what men seem to consider important for women to have to worthy enough for love and sex. Often the things porn exploits women for are downright unattainable. This doesn't even get into the sexism, misogynism and pure selfishness that comes from porn that is shaping sexuality for both genders....where men are people who deserve to be pleasured at any cost to the women involved.
Is a man a monster for looking at porn? Of course not. Does that stop women from feeling hurt or betrayed? Of course not. Porn is about disconnection from women as human beings and making women int living sexual toys for men's amusement. We don't like seeing the men we love and care about show such lack or regard for us as their partners who love them and stand by them every day of our lives, or their lack of regard for the moral, ethical and respectful treatment of women in general.
Porn is usually not a big deal to men because poem caters to all your fantasies about how women are suppose to best please you through how they look, act and submit to male fantasy.
David,
Im not saying he is a monster, Im saying that if he knew what I have been through in the past and he knew how much it destroyed me then, why would you get into a vowed committed relationship before god if you could not totally commit. You obviously have never been truly in love with anyone but your own selfish self. You stated that all men do this, well not my man, not my husband. Instead of giving your opinion about what you will never understand, why dont you find another website to post your own line of selfish crap and let the women on this site begin the healing process.
Very eloquently put, Justme
Thanks Alli. I don't think it's helpful when others try to delegitimize other's feelings. And I think the people who do, are only thinking about their feelings and needs first.
Yes, it's human and normal to be turned on by porn. But it's also human and normal to feel hurt and betrayed, confused, sad...whatever you may feel, in response to a partner porn use. Too many people expect the person who is bothered by the porn use to suck up their feelings and ignore their own boundaries. But our feelings tell us where our boundaries are. Each couple is ultimately a different situation and there needs to be more focus on partnership here, not just women being forced to ignore their boundaries. Too many men's and women's magazines basically all give the same advice. Which is for women to ignore their feelings in favor of his. It's not right. I know in the past when I knew my partner was watching porn, I felt less close to him and I wanted to be less close to him. I wanted to withhold affection and sharing and I felt like I couldn't be vulnerable with him. I could no more help feeling that way then he could help being turned on by porn. But too many men hold this expectation that his sexuality must always be first and come at any cost to his own partners feelings. I hope David sees this and even replies.
I have tried doing some things for.myhusband.. still.looks at.porn..wtf
In 1984, I came to know about sex in a very weird way. It was thanks to a music video that will remain nameless. It has things and lyrics in it that no kids male or female should ever, ever see and hear. That very next year, I saw a magazine on the couch. I took a look in it for a minute. That one minute seemed like hours!! I saw women posing in weird and nauseating ways. I saw a man and woman behave in ways that still shock me to this day. The addiction of my late father became mine!! My mother saw me, and she took it from me. It was a case of "too little, too late". The addiction was formed. My behavior changed from being a kid, to being a rebel in a kid's body. I was introverted, rebellious, rude, hateful and living in full blown sin. In 1987, I drew my own pornography. I folded a piece of paper into eight rectangles, and I drew images similar to what I saw from mags. I boasted to some 77th grade classmates. Thank GOD that Ma cleaned my room and found it. She showed it to my dad. He had a serious talk with me about it at a supermarket parking lot. It wasn't really helpful as to finding a cure for this. I never drew my own pornography again though. THAT'S FOR SURE! Fast forward to today. The net has sites where both sides are not dressed right. Skeptics will disagree, and the opposite will agree. This is from hard-hitting experience! Porn can be just as bad as, or worse than cigarettes, alcohol and drugs separately and combined! Neither side should see it, let alone, know it. Parents, please talk to your kids about this. The more they know about this, hopefully the less they will want to do it. Thank you for viewing.
Justme, I guess you didn't really read verses 3 through the end of 5. So let me give it to you. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
I'm sorry that you ONLY see that women are for mans pleasure. You asked a question and I gave you a blunt, but truthful answer and provided scripture. Your response is very negative, which probably means your thinking is the same way. My assumption could be wrong, but to any therapist. That's what it shows.
Anyways. No husband or wife should deprive the other of their needs to the point that Satan can tempt you to do something you wouldn't normally do. And my responses about communication is not sexist at all. A majority of women need lots of communication in their lives, just like men need sex/orgasm. It's biological. So yes God created the female body for the pleasure of man and to feed the offspring. God made Eve cause Adam was board. If you truly want to understand this topic, you can't think like a women, but like a man. It's not a superiority complexe like you think. I'm not here to debate, but to help with honest insight of the mans brain.
Wes, you continue to objectify women in your comments. I know what good Christian men who follow the Bible think about women and how they talk about them and not one of them ever talks about women like you do.
And no, God did not create women for "men's pleasure", God did not create Eve for Adam's personal pleasure, or to have babies. There was no need for babies in the Garden of Eden! Infact, to quote the Bible, God created Eve to be Adam's "helpmate". Which in Hebrew is translated to "ezer" which means "strength." In the Bible God is also prayed to by man to by man to be our "helper" and "strength". Eve was created to be in partnership to Adam, to be his strength and support and companionship and equal, not to be his sexual outlet and to make babies. Because as I already pointed out, there was no need for babies in God's garden of eden!
God also never created Eve because Adam was board. To suggest that's the case is to say that God's very creation was less than perfect and we know it wasn't. God waited to create Eve because he wanted Adam to know what it felt like to be lonely. So that Adam wouldn't take Eve for granted. God himself said man's solitary existence was "not good", not because Adam needed sex in The Garden of Eden (he didn't) but because humans should be in community and have partnerships.
I can think however I want. God made me a woman so clearly he wanted me to think like a Woman. Women don't exist to service you or to think like you just to appease your objectifying beliefs about them. We are 50% of the population and our thoughts and perspectives matter as much as men's. You don't get to demand women sacrifice themselves to your way of thinking just because you clearly believe being a man entitles you to.
Your response is highly manipulative in your attempt to "apologize" for your manipulation that I am the one who sees women for men's pleasure when it was you who clearly stated that a woman's need for communication was like a man's need for sex. In doing so, you appear to be saying men don't need to communicate with their partners, they only need to have sex with them, which is very objectifying of women. And yes, it's sex negative. Using the Bible to hide behind doesn't change that. Using the Bible to manipulate to pus your own agenda is terrible.
I made a rhetorical question in my response to you, I actually never asked you a real question.
You might have provided an "honest" insight into your brain but luckily not all men think like you. If you need more help with accurately protraying the Bible, let me know.
My boyfriend of a year and a half watches porn a lot , he would rather watch than have sex with me. (He told me himself) It sucks because I have needs so I have to sit and wait around for him to feel like having sex with me. I've been completely faithful to him and would never be with anyone else. I love him and want him to be happy and it makes him happy. I just feel so alone and depressed and feel weird for being the only one who needs and desires sexual intimacy often with him. I can't talk to anyone about it and when I try to talk to him it ends in an awful fight and me in tears. I feel so alone and sad sometimes.