Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
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Why do men watch porn? Seems like a pretty straightforward question that must have an obvious answer, right?
Men must watch porn because they like sex and watching attractive women have sex is a turn on.
Sounds reasonable, doesn’t it?
The answer just isn’t that simple, however.
Although most people immediately think men watch porn because they like, want, or are "obsessed" with sex, those are only the reasons they're drawn to porn – not the real reasons why men watch it.
It's common for women to think the reason why their man watches porn also has something to do with them. They may assume they’re not,
Those concerns typically have nothing to do with a man’s real motivation. As you’ll see as we examine the real reasons men look at porn below.
Both men and women often believe that 'all guys watch porn' (not true), and therefore it must be okay (it's not).
While we discuss why men watch porn it’s important to keep in mind the negative effects looking at porn can have on both a man and his partner. In fact, understanding the reasons a man watches porn really isn’t as important as recognizing the problems porn viewing can create.
These are just a few of the negative effects, and none of the ones specifically for men (those are coming).
Although men look at porn far more often than women, there are women who watch porn routinely as well. The type of porn and reasons for watching can differ for women, but the negative effects of watching it on their relationship and partners are the same.
Before we dive further into the effects, let's first get back to understanding why men watch porn.
Below are some examples and reasons from the article, Why Men Use Porn: 8 Simple, Yet Surprising, Reasons, by my colleague, Jed Diamond, Ph.D.
Here's some of what he had to say:
As a therapist I talk to many men and women where pornography has become a problem in their lives. For some it creates a moral dilemma. If we've agreed to be true to each other does having ‘virtual sex' in an online chat room constitute being unfaithful? One of my clients, Sarah, thinks it is.
I know if I did something like that, it would be the end of the marriage", she told me. "I know men are different and have different sexual drives, but if I can't trust him to be honest where will it end? Is it OK if he goes to a sex club and gets a lap dance? We had to deal with that for awhile. We've all got our desires. I don't see why we can't control them. Why do men need porn?"
What do you think of what Sarah said?
Is watching porn cheating?
This is a common and hotly debated question between men and women.
I say, yes, it is cheating. You can learn more about why I say so and what others, women and men, think about men looking at porn by reading this article I wrote about porn and cheating.
Here’s another couple's experience from Dr. Diamond where the negative effect of porn can begin to be seen:
For others it creates anger and distance in the relationship. Monica was furious with Ed when the couple came to see me.
I just don't get it. I like sex. I'm available whenever Ed is interested. Why should he be going after pornographic bimbos? I guess an occasional look see doesn't hurt, but he seems to be on the computer all the time. It's wrecking our marriage. Why does he need to do this?"
From the two examples above, it’s clear that porn creates problems, many damaging enough to put a couple’s relationship in jeopardy.
Since this is the case, why would a man risk his relationship in order to watch porn?
There are a number of reasons, ranging from ignorance (it’s a harmless pastime, right?) to outright addiction to porn. After all, with the internet now such an integral part of our everyday lives and accessible with a couple of taps on a phone, the pleasure of viewing porn is available everywhere, anytime.
But why else do men want to watch porn?
Here are 8 common reasons Dr. Diamond identified. As you read them, notice that of these 8 reasons, only 4 really have to do with sex.
If you're a man who watches porn, which of these reasons best describes you?
Take a minute and think about what other reasons there could be.
I often hear men tell me that #2, the variety and endless options, and #3, being able to explore fantasies that their partner would reject, make watching porn appealing and can cause it to become addicting.
I've discovered some other significant reasons why men watch porn in my counseling with men who are struggling with porn. One of the things I’ve learned is that porn is much more complicated than people think.
However, knowing why men watch porn isn’t the most important thing. As I mentioned earlier, understanding the negative effects of looking at porn and doing something about it is so much more important than knowing the whys.
Contrary to popular opinion, men don’t watch porn just because they’re obsessed with sex. The reasons can vary, but they’re more often related to deeper feelings and insecurities rather than a blind obsession with sex and naked women.
Of course, that doesn’t make it any less painful for the partners of men who seem to be more interested in porn than actual intimacy with them.
However, understanding these primary 8 reasons behind his porn viewing may open the door to discussing it and making changes. And, yes, changes are needed if porn has become part of his life. If not, the negative effects on both a man and his partner can destroy their relationship.
Whether you're a man watching porn or their partner wanting to understand why, don't make the BIG mistake of minimizing or ignoring what it does to you and your relationship.
Join the conversation and please share your thoughts about why men watch porn in a comment. There are more than 1,000 comments from other readers - check them out below and see what others have to say.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published February 27, 2010, updated on June 17, 2014, September 27, 2017, and March 16, 2022, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
Wondering if Porn Is Cheating? Find out what psychology experts say about whether Porn Is Cheating.
Breaking a porn addiction isn’t easy. Learn how to handle relapses here.
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I'm single and a lot of why I'm single is that I've been told that 'all men watch porn, and if they say they don't, they're lying'.
I can't bear the thought of this, and while I'm happy enough, it would be good to share my life romantically.
So, should I be seeking counselling? If all men watch porn, and I find it hard enough to find someone I might be attracted to, my dating pool has just gone from very small, to non-existent. This being the case, I need to get my head round a level of porn.
So, Kurt, occasional porn watching, I imagine is not an addiction. A lot of men are addicts but I assume a lot of men it's less of a drive? In my head, any watching is just not right and of course the internet has increased availability as well as range of the harder core stuff and it's easier to hide it. Not like a magazine or a video that had to be squirrelled away.
Do I need to 'lower my standards' and accept that porn watching, at some level, is inevitable and get help so I can be okay with this and still be happy in a relationship, or are there actually men out there who agree that porn is degrading and wouldn't want to use it?
Alli, No, you don't need to lower your standards. While porn is very pervasive, there are men out there who don't watch it. You could seek out counseling for other issues, but it shouldn't be to help you accept porn. - Dr. Kurt
Excellent news Dr Kurt. I'll keep the faith 😉
Not every man watches porn. Yes a lot do but not every man watches it. Don't feel bad and no don't lower your standards. And like Kurt said it's not something you HAVE TO accept. There are many ppl male and female who do not watch it.
People need to stop taking things so personally.. As Human beings we crave having different/multiple experiences. Otherwise we would only eat at Mcdonalds once, or have one pair of shoes... You could be undeniably the worlds hottest woman, and be a 30 on a scale of 1 - 10, that's not going to stop alot of men from wanting to have sex with other women even if they are in a committed relationship with you What I suggest is this. If you know that your partner loves being with you but still wants to explore his/her sexuality, then sit down and talk with him or her, and tell them that you do know that they love you, but you understand that they probably need to have some sexual experiences to get out of their system.. So long as you get them to make a promise that they will not become emotionally attached to these other people, and it's purely for sexual pleasure. At the end of the day if they truly love you, you will be the one who they spend the most time with. I know it's a little hard to accept that your partner wants to have sex with other people. But it's just the way we are wired. I LOVE my girlfriend so much, we get along very well, we enjoy the same things, have the same sense of humor, we have the same dislikes, and while I would want to spend most of my time with her...I do find myself wanting to have sex with other women as well.. Would it be better if your partner ONLY wanted to sleep with you? sure, but we don't live in that world, and relationships are built on mutual understanding. You need to understand that people are sexual beings, and you cannot expect someone who has sexual fantasies of being with other women, to NEVER HAVE SEX WITH ANOTHER WOMAN UNTIL THE DAY THAT THEY DIE.. No matter how much you love each other, I don't think that this is fair, or realistic. Infact I believe that many people create other problems in order to get out of a relationship.. If you want to have sex with other people, but you can't stand to tell your partner, then maybe slowly over time you will create conflicts that inevitably lead to the end of your relationship JUST so you can have sex with other people! Wouldn't it be better if you let your partner explore their sexuality, and in return you have a more transparent relationship? and instead of your partner looking for or creating reasons to break up without hurting you by telling you they want to have sex with other people.. Maybe perhaps, you could try to understand them, give them permission, and in turn you retain your relationship with them? I mean seriously people...
I respect your honesty. But if someone wants to explore w others (other than their spouse or significant other) they should not be in a committed monogamous relationship. If they are those types who are into threesomes and anything else that involves more than two ppl they should find someone who's into the same thing. I honestly know a few couples like this and they seem happy doing these things. It works for THEM.
Again I respect your opinion but just because someone has sexual fantasies of others this does not always mean they wish to act on them, maybe some just use it for excitement, whether they picture their spouse or not. Some watch it just to quickly release and they don't ever think about the woman they saw in the porn that just helped him release, some do continue to think about that woman , that's another story.
What you said above is how YOU feel. Everyone is different. Not every man or woman thinks the way you stated above.
The women on here are reaching out for help Bc they are tired of their man looking at porn and not wanting them sexually And feel hurt. A relationship is teamwork both parties must be willing to put in their "work".
I'm sure everyone has their own reasons for watching it. Ex. Maybe they are addicted, maybe they get excited from seeing a variety, maybe they have an "itch" and it's a quick release, maybe they have been using watching porn while masturbating for so long they are stuck and nothing else works Bc their brain is used to that higher dopamine release, maybe they can't get excited w/o it and know the person in the porno isn't going to judge them, maybe their significant other is too pushy and to demanding, maybe they have low testosterone and don't want to be shut down by their lady for it, maybe they are tired of their significant other, maybe they are really stressed out and this helps, maybe they no longer are attracted to them for whatever reason. The list goes on and on lol. So in conclusion what ever thier reason may be they need to address them individually. Some women don't care that thier man watches it others do. I'm sure they all have thier own reasons why. I personally think is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT TO ALWAY BE OPEN and speak to one another. Always have that connection this way you can understand one another, help one another , better each other. Always try to understand one another, be good to each other. Everyone will always do what makes them happy however when one thing someone does makes them happy but totally breaks the heart of the other... this should be addressed. Not a drastic example but for example my husband absolutely hates the sound of the nail filer lol he's tried hard to accept it and still can't after so many years. I love him dearly and do not wish to upset or bother him so I will file my nails when he's not around or just go in another room.
Well David, if you can find a woman who is happy with that arrangement and you're equally happy with her having sex with other men as well as you, good for you both. Each to their own. Personally, I'll hang out for a man who has evolved beyond caveman 🙂
Well just don't be naive in thinking that your man is NEVER going to have Sex with another woman (or man) FOR THE REMAINDER OF HIS NATURAL HUMAN EXISTENCE.
Cheers 😉
believe me I've got the toys, heels, pantyhose oil videos(for us together)you name it i given it to him or will . my man can not get hard, except my be for couple mins. once in a great while. he tells me I'm every mans dream(i know I am) but yet Im not enough for or what??? why is it better for him to jack off with the porn girls, when he has his very own want-a-be porn star at home. is it not a challenge maybe could be a problem. this hurts so bad and im ready to leave him, cause I want to be his run to girlHO you know. tell me whats wrong here and all over it sounds like PLEASE SO IN NEED OF GOOD ADVICE.... ty for ur time...Peeace, PamelaB
Pamelab, Porn is much more about him than it is you. Read the other articles I've written on Porn Addiction and read the comments by other visitors to better understand. -Dr. Kurt
Thank you Dr. Kurt, is there really any hope for me to get though this with him or am I better to walk now than later???? i am a mess over this it is taking over everything cause of the affect on me.
peace, PamelaB
Kurt is actually right on this one. You might be every guys dream, but beauty isn't everything. Your husband needs more frequency. I've said this a few times on here. His need for an orgasm is like your need to communicate. If he's not there to talk to you call your friends if you need to talk about something. If he is home, go jerk him off or give him a blow job. He just needs to cum. Keep doing that and the porn will lessen to almost none existence. Read 1 Corinthians7:3-5.
His need for orgasm is like her need for communication??? That is so sex negative....like women just exist to give men orgasms and women don't need sexual intimacy themselves. I would think his need for intimacy, connection, vulnerability and closeness would be the more important factors here vs just getting off.
And Cor. 7:3-5 says men should submit to their wives like their wives should submit to themselves. That isn't a bible verse about women pleasing their husband while their husbands sit back like lord and master. And God hardly wants men to use women just to get off.
Ive been with my husband for 15 years and before we even got married or even thought about it we we completely honest about what we were looking for and what we have been through. I was physically and mentally abused for 12 yrs with my childrens father, my first husband, my children caught him watching porn , mind you thery were ony 11 and 8, i was crushed. I left and vowed to never put myself in that situation again. I spent several years alone and accepted that there was no one out there that wouldnt hurt me. I wasent looking for anyone and some one just happened into my life. I could not beleive that there was someone like me out there. Well, to make a long story short, we got married and he made me feel that I was worth something again and I was beautiful and it took along time for him to convince me of that. He is my rock and i love him with all of my being, i have never let myself feel what i feel today. He knew what i went through and vowed to never hurt me. Well, i found porn non his ipad just the other day. I am cruched, sick, cannot sleep and cannot understand for the life of me why in the hell he would hurt me so bad. I feel know like I did in the past, like nothing, absolutly nothing. I have no idea where to go from here but I cannot even look at the one who picked me up just to be the one to kick me back down. What now????
Michelle, Sorry for your pain. Porn is really hard for men to stay away from despite what was most likely good intentions on his part. Read through the other articles I've written about porn so you can begin to better understand that even though it really hurts you porn is not about you. He sounds like a good guys who's slipped up. I'd find a professional counselor to work with who can help him to stop looking and help you to work through your pain. -Dr. Kurt
Dr Kurt,
Thank you for your comment. I will search out counseling , but what I do not understand is why is it now the womens responsibility to seek help for something that was not their fault, why are we the ones that have to try and understand, when we are the ones that are hurting.Why do we have to ask them what we can do different when what we were before was totally what they wanted. Why do men get into a committed relationship if they cannot totally commit. He is a great man and he said he did slip up, but the trust and respect issues are always eating at my heart.
Michelle, I never said it's the woman's responsibility. It's both partner's responsibility to deal with problems in the relationship. But if you want to fix things and he won't do anything what other option do you have? You can choose not to do anything like him, but you know where that's going to get you. Being the adult in the relationship is tough, and it's also the right thing to do. -Dr. Kurt
He didn't do it to you, you're not a victim here unless you tell yourself you are one... there are many reasons guys watch not all of which are bad, sounds like you've got a pretty decent bloke by your side.
My wife doesn't care, is not interested in watching with me, isn't threatened by it, nor has any interest in why I watch... I wish she did.
You are not entitled to tell another person how they should feel about anything. Porn included in that. Just because your wife doesn't care, doesn't mean that's the right choice for all women. When you know your partner is looking at porn, it can be very hurtful for some women. There is nothing wrong with that. Porn does not treat or represent women in positive ways. It is very objectifying of us, our bodies and our sexuality. Stop attempting to shame women for their feelings about porn simply because you love porn yourself. Porn caters to you as a man. It's all about what women need to do to please you and other man. You want to spend your life looking at millions of other women to be happy with your sexuality? Please feel free to do that. But don't come here and attempt to shame women who have their own set of boundaries for their own relationships.