Would you recognize Emotional Manipulation In Your Marriage? Check the signs of Emotional Manipulation In Marriage and how you can stop being manipulated.
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Contents
Paula’s husband and friends have nicknamed her “Kate.” Not because it’s short for Katherine or because she reminds them of the Princess, but because she acts like the famous controlling wife Kate Gosselin from the TV show Jon & Kate Plus 8.
It’s a joke, she told me, as she laughed it off, but it looked to me like, underneath the laughter, the name really hurt her.
Paula acknowledged being controlling and knows that’s what the name means.
Like Kate Gosselin, she says, she likes to get her way.
She also says there are many reasons why “getting her way” is important to her. It’s not purely selfish, which is what most people assume.
In Paula’s mind, she’s trying to do the best for her family, but her husband, Brian, doesn’t always see it that way. In fact, they argue about her intentions quite frequently.
They’re not alone.
Controlling behavior causes problems in many marriages and, taken to the extreme, is a form of abuse. In fact, when it comes to abuse perpetrated by women, controlling and manipulative behavior are the primary forms.
Could your wife (or you) be guilty of being a controlling wife like Kate (and Paula)?
Brian says he hates how Paula treats him. It makes him feel like less of a man and as though she has no respect for him.
This is not only painful, it’s also embarrassing.
She’s constantly,
It makes him feel like she thinks he’s an idiot and incapable of handling life in general.
And it also makes him feel like there’s no way for him to make her happy.
Not knowing how to deal with his controlling wife, he just started calling her “Kate.”
Initially, he said it to lessen the tension and get her to back off, but then it stuck, and the implications became more serious and more hurtful.
Not surprisingly, Brian’s sarcastic humor hasn’t helped change Paula’s behavior. In fact, it’s made her angry, and she’s lashed back at him by being even more of a control freak.
His sarcasm and her need to control the world around her, making sure everyone is “okay,” has only made their marriage ten times worse. So, Brian and Paula eventually came to marriage counseling for some help.
Controlling behavior can seem manipulative and abusive. And at times it can be one or both of these.
What people don’t often understand about controlling behavior is that it usually is a form of self-preservation.
An individual’s desire to control their environment can be driven by the need to make the world feel right and safe.
This need and the resulting actions can significantly impact the people around them and not in a positive way. No matter whether the intentions are good or not, controlling behavior isn’t healthy or okay. In fact, it can be the cause of a lot of pain in a relationship, as is evident in Brian and Paula’s situation.
Does any of this sound familiar?
Control issues in a relationship aren’t uncommon.
If you think you’re married to a controlling wife too, here are two things you can begin to do:
Controlling behavior is usually a defense mechanism, which is a method our minds develop to deal with circumstances that make us uncomfortable.
In the case of controlling behavior, it's a way to cope with living in a chaotic and unpredictable world. There's very little in this world that is within our control. That can be difficult to accept.
People who exhibit this behavior often attempt to calm their emotions by trying to control things around them.
Most controlling people are fearful and anxious about the world they live in. They try to lessen these uncomfortable feelings by imposing their will and wishes on everyone around them. Knowing how the person likely feels on the inside can help you see past their outward behavior and be more understanding of what's happening.
Controlling you is really about controlling their feelings.
Boundaries are limits you place on how that person can treat you. The natural world around us requires boundaries, and we need them to function properly, too.
Setting boundaries can be very unfamiliar and uncomfortable. Keep in mind that control freaks aren’t used to dealing with boundaries, so they usually rebel against them. And setting boundaries can be seen as lacking empathy or just another form of control, even though they’re actually neither.
Controlling behavior is difficult for everyone involved, which is why it’s important to recognize the underlying reasons people who are controlling act that way.
A controlling wife like Kate or Paula is likely to have internal issues that need to be dealt with and may need your help and support to do so. Helping them will mean you’ll need to go slow and be patient. These behaviors don’t change overnight.
Remember,
Controlling behavior shouldn’t simply be accepted. Left unchecked it can grow and slowly cross the line into becoming abusive. If that happens it will only compound the problems needing to be addressed and make changing the behavior much more difficult.
If you’re dealing with a controlling wife you’ll both need time to learn the new rules and that playing by them can be better for everybody -- even for your "Kate."
Got a controlling wife in your life? Please tell us how you deal with her behavior in the comments below.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published October 10, 2009, updated June 19, 2018 and December 31, 2019, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Would you recognize Emotional Manipulation In Your Marriage? Check the signs of Emotional Manipulation In Marriage and how you can stop being manipulated.
Want to know what Abusive Women are really like? Take a look at 7 behaviors used by Women who are Abusive. Read quotes from Women who Abuse and partners.
No one gets into a relationship expecting to be controlled by their partner.
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hi All,
After reading through all of these comments it has made me realize i shouldn't be in a relationship like this. so tonight i will try and let all go and sort of be happy again
I have been married for 39 years (miserable for the last 15) and have a very controlling wife. Amazing to read all these comments. My advice to all of you is don't wait thinking that things will get better like I have. Matter of fact - things will probably get worse. In my opinion, a lot of the problem can be blamed on the feminist movement and even the media. The next time you are watching TV, notice how most shows and even commercials make out the woman to be the smart sensible human and the man to be the bumbling fool. I think our society has empowered women to the point of being controlling and abusive and is evidenced by the growing percentage of failed marriages (over 60% I recently read). I don't know if it's too late for me to exit my marriage at 64 years old, but maybe I still can have a few happy years. I have many fears of losing contact with my 4 grown children and being financially destitute. But life is so short - if you have time to be happy then go for it.
My wife is very controlling. We go to marriage counseling to help with this, but while we're in counseling it's like she knows all of the right things to say to make me look like the bad guy, and I always stumble over my words. I come in to counseling seeming like I have all the right things to say, but I get nervous and go blank. Do you have any advice on how to better express myself during the counseling sessions? Thank you!
Hi Mike, There's no right or wrong when it comes to counseling. It should be a safe space to have open communication. If you feel like you are having a hard time being heard or expressing yourself comfortably, you may consider individual counseling for a period of time. All my best -Dr. Kurt
Been a while since someone posted here, but I feel the need to share even if no one sees it.
I am currently in an abusive relationship with my partner who has severe abandonment issues. Being that I have an avoidant personality this has become a big issue for us. When we’re in an argument I tend to want to leave and that’s when she threatens suicide. She’s done it so many times that I don’t even know whether to take it seriously.
Lastly, I have anger issues and a temper. I know I can get mean and abusive once I’m in an angry mood but one thing I’ve noticed is that when I exhibit signs of anger and am trying to control my anger she will constantly goad me to hit her or abuse her. I’m not a physically abusive person but I fear that I won’t be able to control my anger and might do something that I might regret.
I don’t know what to do. If I say I’m done with this relationship she threatens suicide. I cant live with her death on my conscience but I also think she’s being coercive and manipulative.
Bob, This article is read daily so your comment will be seen. As you seem to recognize, you're in a very toxic relationship and the dynamics you both bring obviously compound the difficulties. I've worked with a number of guys who've had partners who've used the threat of killing themselves to manipulate and control. You really do need to get some professional help on how to respond so you don't do something you regret as you fear. Thanks for sharing your story. I know others will relate. -Dr. Kurt