What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
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Contents
Part 1 of 2
Sexual intimacy is an important part of a healthy and satisfying marriage. Unfortunately, after years together, kids, and the physical changes that come with age, some husbands find themselves not interested in having sex with their wives.
When one partner loses sexual interest in the other it opens the relationship up to several problems. The loss of connection on a physical level can quickly lead to a loss of connection on an emotional level as well.
If a couple in this situation isn’t proactive about fixing things, they can find themselves facing issues that feel almost insurmountable.
And eventually the possibility of separation and divorce.
Below is a question sent to us by a reader whose husband is no longer attracted to her and has lost interest in her sexually.
Take a look at Mileena’s question and my response that follows.
Reader Question:
After 6 years of marriage and breastfeeding 2 kids, my breasts don't look like before, and now my husband is not interested in me. My husband asked me to do plastic surgery. I couldn't do it. I was thinking about my kids and the long-term effect on my body. The thing is now I hate my body, but I don't want to do plastic surgery. Now my husband not interested in sleeping with me. I think my husband doesn't find me sexy." -Mileena
My Answer:
You're probably right when you say "my husband doesn't find me sexy" and that's why he’s not interested. However, the his lack of interest is probably more complex than you realize.
Most likely you're husband isn’t interested in you for 2 reasons:
Men have told me, and have commented on this blog, that they do struggle with being sexually attracted to their wives, especially after they’ve had children.
Childbirth and breast feeding not only alter a woman’s body, but also give a man a different perspective on what a woman’s body is for, and that can be intimidating. It can also severely dampen a man’s sexual desire for her.
And unfortunately, having children and aging can lead to weight gain (for both women and men), which can create a loss of attractions as well.
The second reason your husband may not be interested is a big one for a lot of wives and husbands, and that’s porn.
Porn use can cause BIG problems in a relationship and can be very complicated. For that reason we'll discuss it in greater depth in our next post -- My Husband Watches Porn.
Dissatisfaction with sex is common in long-term relationships. There are many reasons for this and they differ for each couple.
The most common reasons for loss of interest include,
It’s important to remember as well that it’s not just husbands who lose interest sexually. It’s more often wives who find themselves not interested, and for similar reasons.
So, what can you do if sexual chemistry has left the relationship?
No and no.
What you really need to do is look for ways to bring the sexual interest and intimacy back.
There are a few things you can start doing now that can help this happen.
Here’s the thing about sexual interest – the more you make an effort the more it will grow. If you’re not feeling immediately attracted to your partner, try going through some of the motions that have worked in the past - kiss, touch, get physically close. Often just these small efforts can restart some level of sexual desire.
Remember when you first met and there was all the excitement of a new romance?
Bring that back. Creating a romantic atmosphere and new moments together can help you rekindle that interest in one another.
One thing both men and women often say to me is that feeling appreciated makes them feel closer to their partner. Emotional connection is very important to sustaining sexual intimacy.
It’s easy to forget that your relationship with your partner needs nurturing and one-on-one time. Especially in a case like Mileena’s where young kids are a factor.
You can’t be sexually intimate if you’re never alone, so find a way to spend time together, just the two of you, even if it’s just to talk and relax.
One of the most attractive qualities in any person is self-confidence and confident sexual energy.
That can be hard if you’re feeling badly about your body.
This isn’t to suggest that body enhancing surgeries are a solution, just that you should make any changes you feel necessary to feel good about yourself and be healthier.
The goal should be healthy, not perfect. Exercise is one obvious way to get or stay healthy, build confidence, and gain energy.
Keep in mind that sometimes it's just little changes that can make all the difference.
If you’re finding none of these changes are making a meaningful difference, it would be worth exploring couples counseling. Sometimes the loss of interest by a husband, or wife, is due to deeper issues that may be too uncomfortable to communicate about or difficult to resolve without professional help.
You shouldn’t just accept that your sex life is over if you’re husbands no longer sexually attracted to you. Acceptance of the end of intimacy could ultimately cause the downfall of your relationship.
So, if your husband has lost sexual interest in you remember,
And ladies, don’t forget the power of initiating. Men like to feel wanted, and initiating sex can be a very powerful aphrodisiac when you’re feeling like your husband isn’t interested.
This is the first article of two discussing a wife's struggle with her husband's lack of interest. Read more about Mileena in the second article: My Husband Watches Porn. Sign-up for our Blog at the bottom of this article and get other great articles on men, women, and their relationships like this one.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published March 31, 2012, updated on June 21, 2021, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
Think My Husband Doesn’t Find Me Attractive After Baby? If you think your Husband Doesn’t Find You Attractive After Having A Baby there may be more to it.
Most women don’t think of men as being shy or nervous in the bedroom. To many of us it seems like men have an envious amount of self-assuredness and confidence when it comes to their sexual abilities (warranted or not).
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Ugh. Will I ever be pretty enough? Will I ever be thin enough? Will I be sexy enough? Will I cook good enough? Will I age good enough? Why are there so many pressures on women from men?!? Give me a break man... And the porn?! Seriously?! If you found male sites in our history how would you feel? Men suck and it makes me feel as if I should not even looking.l forward to idea of finding someone and getting married.... Why when you have to deal with all this?!
Hey Emily - I know it can feel like that. I completely get why you feel that way. But I've come to learn that it's not about how you aren't enough. It's about him and how he feels like *he's* not enough. I truly believe that men who use porn are trying to fill something within themselves with a cheap and easy fix. So yes, you ARE pretty enough. You ARE thin enough. You ARE sexy enough. You are you and you are a unique woman with her own brand of beauty and wonderful qualities. This is about how he doesn't feel man enough. It's not that you aren't woman enough.
But yes, I agree that most men would be completely shattered and insecure if women where looking at the kind of things about men, that men are looking at about women.
Find a man that doesn't use porn. They are out there. Don't accept things in your relationship that you don't want in your relationship.You are completely entitled to that.