Divorce can cause major turbulence in an already complicated time for your teen. Learn more here.
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A common scenario in troubled marriages is one spouse wanting to end it while the other wants to stay together. I counseled a couple recently where the husband wants divorce, and the wife doesn’t.
This is frequently the case in marriage counseling. In fact, each week I work with multiple couples facing the same problem.
It's important to note that it's not always the husband who wants a divorce, it may just as easily be the wife who wants to leave.
But if I were counting, my guess is that more often than not it’s the wife asking what to do when your husband wants a divorce and you don’t.
There are many things that can send a couple down the path to divorce. Fortunately, being on that path doesn’t mean the final destination has to be divorce.
A frequent pattern in struggling relationships is partners having allowed themselves to drift apart until one or both believes the marriage can’t be fixed and therefore must end.
Both men and women are equally guilty of doing this.
When growing feelings of discontent are ignored for a long time and aren't dealt with the damage not only continues but it also compounds.
We have become disconnected emotionally and physically. Now my husband wants a divorce. He feels that there are fundamental and irreconcilable differences that make us incompatible." -Rachel
At this broken stage an easy explanation is that we have "irreconcilable differences."
This vague rationale is often a convenient justification for a decision that’s already been made – "I'm done."
This phrase is pretty conclusive too – the differences that exist can’t be made compatible. In other words, this relationship can’t be fixed.
Compounding this situation is the typical poor communication between partners, which only makes discussing their differences even more difficult.
Lack of communication often begins as couples get busy with work, family, or just life. Unfortunately, the longer it goes on the more it seems “normal" and becomes just another irreconcilable difference.
If you’re a wife dealing with a husband who wants a divorce (or husband whose wife wants a divorce), it’s important to recognize that there can be a lot of factors influencing this decision.
Here's one couples' predicament that reveals a few of them:
I have been married for 6 years, and known my husband for over 12 years. Things haven't been that great for a while, and currently, I am living away (not divorced or officially separated yet) from my husband (for about 10 months), and he does not want us to get back together. My husband wants divorce, but I do not. He says he has not seen any personal growth all these years together, does not 'feel' it anymore, and finds us to be two right people absolutely wrong for each other with all the arguments (he absolutely hates them!). Currently, he is getting a lot of spiritual guidance from his younger sister, he meditates (although he still gets enraged and frustrated whenever I try to reason something or want something from him for my comfort or benefit) and also guidance from his divorced friends. He says he is at peace now, and does not want to move in together (as said above - doesn't 'feel' it anymore) even though he does acknowledge that we are creatures of habits, and can work on our differences. My husband also has an alcoholic father, but does not wish to explore if there is any remote chance he needs help with his anger problems because of some growing up issues. Given all this, I am really not sure what must I do. I try to keep my emotions in check, but I am not gonna deny that they do slip out once in a while, and he does show one off odd sign sometime that he cares." -Lillian
Nick wants divorce and Lillian doesn't.
Their separation has already affected their potential for reconciliation – ranging from making it easier to stay apart to them both realizing what they're going to lose.
This creates a confusing mix of thoughts and emotions that make it hard to see what the next step should be.
I regularly have partners ask me, “Is divorce the answer?” or “Is divorce the right thing to do?”
Nick says he,
and justifies these sentiments with their difficulty getting along. This makes it easy for him to conclude that they're incompatible and shouldn't be married.
Something else influencing his desire for divorce is likely the guidance he's getting from well-meaning family and friends.
Unfortunately, like all of us, these people are also biased and jaded by their own experiences and aren’t able to give him the best divorce advice.
Every person who’s contemplating divorce struggles with the question of whether or not it’s the right decision.
Most likely, Nick is very confused and uncertain about what he wants to do, despite telling Lillian he wants to divorce.
So, if you're like Lillian and your husband wants divorce, what do you do?
Here are a couple of points to keep in mind if you’re in a similar situation:
When your husband wants a divorce it doesn't have to mean it's the end of your marriage. Sure, it could be, but I hear men say this every week and many of them never follow through with it.
And most of those who do take a long time to complete the process of finalizing the divorce.
However, if you can see your husband wanting divorce as an opportunity, you could actually save your marriage and possibly make it better than it's ever been.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published May 11, 2017, updated on April 12, 2022 and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Divorce can cause major turbulence in an already complicated time for your teen. Learn more here.
Do you fear your Husband Wants To Separate? Find out the signs a Husband is thinking about Separation.
No one starts their marriage and family hoping for divorce. Learn how divorce effects your teens here.
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My husband won't own up to it, but I know he had an emotional affair for 6 months. He is currently in a sexual affair with a woman 12 years younger than him. Four months ago he told me he was miserable and he was done. He claimed that we didn't have sex enough and we were living like roommates. He claimed that my wine drinking was out of control, which it was. I was self medicating dealing with being home by myself all of the time with our son while he was out all of the time (my therapist also believes I have depression). It was a vicious cycle of my bad behavior and his bad behavior. Shortly after that I asked him if there was any way he would go to counseling and he said no. He stated that "he had to figure out if he could do life by himself." I asked him to go to divorce mediation as I didn't see he wanted to fix any of this....but he refused. He told me he wasn't going to pay someone to do paperwork he could do himself. I explained that I was not comfortable and I went to the mediator myself. I brought home the paperwork for him to fill out, which sat in the drawer for weeks. I obtained an attorney after seeing him driving with the OW. He got a letter from my attorney asking to contact, but he didn't until the timeline was up. He kept telling me he had an attorney and that he was forwarding all of my texts (yes, I said some pretty horrible things) to the attorney as he was instructed. Well, the day came to meet with my attorney and he showed up ALONE! Told my lawyer he had a consult but had not retained. My attorney instructed him to fill out the financial paperwork, which he still has not done. IN THE MEANTIME.......I have been trying to keep my cool and to be kind. He, in turn, is now telling me where he is going and what he is doing.....but it's all a lie. He has told me he is sincerely sorry for what we are going through and that he loves me. I am so confused by all of this. My head keeps telling me I need to move on, but my heart tells me there has to be some kind of spark. I am have been working on myself: quit drinking, going to therapy, getting out more and exercising......and I know that I should be working on myself rather t
We have been together for almost a decade, and have not learned to communicate well. His way of dealing with conflict is to say I'm sorry and yes, dear, or say nothing,and then his behavior repeats. This repetition and insincerity made me angry over the years, and I behaved badly by being supercritical, picking fights, kicking him out. I also tend to go on and on, in response to his stonewalling. Our sex life has suffered, he sulks when he doesn't have regular sex, I rejected all advances, it has been several years since we have slept in the same bed. I recently decided to let go of my anger, and resentment, and try anew because I realized life is precious, and I would rather love him than be angry and without him. But now he is so angry with me due to the way I have treated him, he wants a divorce, and sees my attempts at intimacy as manipulation. He was quick to close our joint account, but has not filed divorce papers yet. He says he is sure he wants a divorce, but does not want to make a mistake, but he is tired and wants relief. I have not moved out yet, and we sometimes eat takeout that he ordered, and watch tv together. He is kind and has asked me to not rush packing. He only gets angry when I try to make amends, or talk about us. What can I do so he gives us another try?
I’ve been married for 25 years. My husband tells me he wants a divorce at least every few months. He is very hot tempted and has PTSD. He is always accusing me of having an affair and I’ve never even thought about it. I love him very much. He always says it has something to do with sex. I don’t touch him or I’m not into it. I do make sure I touch him. Honestly over the years I’m not into sex as much because of this. It’s like he’s turned me against sex. I enjoy it when we have sex but it doesn’t matter to me anymore. Sometimes it gets really bad and physical when he’s having one of these episodes. He’s yells like a DI at me, tells me he hates me, spank in my face, and once even held a gun on me because I fussed back. I don’t fuss back with him and stay quiet. That makes him mad. He moves out of our room and sleeps in the guest room for a few nights. After a few days things are usually ok again. I love him dearly but I’m at a breaking point.
Tabby, Your relationship sounds abusive at times. Please read some of the articles I've written on Abusive Relationships and see if you can relate to anything in them. No partner should ever have a gun pointed at them. If you ever need someone to talk to, please consider calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 (24/7) or you can schedule time to talk with me using the Appointments button at the top of this page. -Dr. Kurt
My husband and I have been together 8 years, but we just got married 4 months ago. We've had the most supportive and wonderful relationship, but two weeks ago he told me he was doubting himself and felt like he didn't recognize himself anymore, and he was questioning a lot of things. I asked him if he was questioning being married, and he couldn't answer the question. We both began to get really emotional, and he ended up getting a hotel. Two days later he told me he was struggling with trust and wasn't sure he was in love with me, and that he needed "space to figure it all out." He wants to live in a new city that I'm uncertain about too, but I told him the last time we spoke in person I want to make him happy and will go wherever he wants to go. Since then, he left and has been traveling all over, and we've barely spoken. He seems to be shutting me out and is annoyed by me when we do talk, and I'm trying so hard to give him what he needs while also take care of myself. He is coming back in a few days so we can talk, but we both acknowledged it felt like we were on the brink of splitting up last time we saw each other and I'm not sure what to do to prepare for this next meeting. I don't want to lose him.
I know that this is an older article, but I'm going through something similar as Lillian.
I've been with my husband for 12 years and married for 8.5 years. We have been struggling for the past 10 months since he admitted his depression. Last September 2021, he got stationed in Japan while I stayed here in the US due to a new job, dogs, and houses to take care of. We thought this was the most practical and I didn't mind the long distance as long as he's there for me emotionally. Everything seem great before he left, in fact, we decided to stop using protection to have the chance of having a child. It didn’t happen because we didn’t really plan things. Anyway, he came back home for Christmas (just 3 months after he left). A couple of days before he left for Japan again, he told me that he’s been suffering from depression and tried to hurt himself a couple of times, one time he got close. I was devastated because I found out how lonely he has been for years and that he doesn’t feel the same for me anymore. I was crying and asked what I did. He kept on saying that it wasn’t me, and that there were multiple reasons why he started feeling that way; however, I knew I was a part of it. He was working for about 10-12 hour a day for a couple of years, on top of that, we purchased a home to flip. So on top of our jobs, we had to do other work on our free time. Despite what he told me, he said he’ll still do his best to be there for me and still want us to have a baby since he doesn’t want to take that away from me (I’m already 35). When he left for Japan again, that’s when things got worse; he stopped saying sweet things to me by text, stopped complimenting me, and stopped saying I love through text. He would still say I love you by phone, but it was cold. Me being hurt made us argue more than we have ever been. He said he’s unpacking things and realizing a lot of stuff. He eventually started going to a counselor about a couple of months ago, but their conversation is mainly just about him and not his family. About a week after he began his counseling, we had a big fight. I told him “maybe I should f*^$ other men since he doesn’t treat me like a wife anymore. That’s when he first said “why don’t we just end it then?”. Since then, he hasn’t changed his mind. He’s actually here in the US visiting and to help me move to our other house. The whole time he has been here. He’s been cold; he wouldn’t touch me, hold me, kiss me, and can barely even look at me. I have begged him to give us a chance since he hasn’t even tried that yet (he said he tried, but he tried alone and I had no idea what was going on), but he won’t budge. He gave me an option, either a legal separation or divorce. He said he could not fully move on unless we are actually separated. Since then, I have stopped convincing him and have just been trying my best to act normal. I don’t want a divorce or separation unless we’ve at least tried to go to counseling as a husband and wife, or even just on his own, but a family type of counseling. I don’t know what to do, I’m scared, especially that he is so far away. I’m devastated.
On another note, he wants to give me both of our houses because he wants me to be successful. He’s basically just bailing out and does not want responsibilities. I just want all the success with him, not alone… help!
Krishelle, You've got a lot happening here. Too much to unpack and guide you on in this format. Please find a professional counselor to help you navigate this. You're right to want to try counseling before giving up on your marriage, but you can't force your husband to do it. However, the women who come to me without their husbands usually have more success in getting them to eventually join them because they acted with or without him. So go please by yourself. -Dr. Kurt