You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
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If you’re a woman worried that your husband doesn’t love you, you’re not alone. The concern that their husband no longer loves them is a something we hear all the time from women.
If you feel like the love is gone, you may very well be right.
In long-term relationships it’s not uncommon for one partner to fall out of love, leaving the other feeling devastated. So, it isn’t surprising that women ask us if there are signs they should look for that will tell them how their husband really feels.
The answer is, yes. There are several signs you may see indicating your husband doesn't love you.
The problem is almost never that there aren't any signs – it’s that wives almost never want to see them for what they are. Avoiding pain is a common human response for all of us.
While some of the signs are hard to see, most are not.
Understandably, most women don't want to face them. Ignoring, making excuses, or deciding that what they’re seeing means something else is easier to do that than admitting your husband probably doesn't love you.
There are certain times of the year when expressions of love for our partner are expected. Societal pressure pushes us to act on the biggies, like Valentine's Day, Christmas, wedding anniversaries, and birthdays.
It's important, however, not to put too much meaning into obligatory 'I love you's expressed on these days. Real love is shown in what we do every day of the year, not just on special occasions.
The signs that your husband loves you, or may not love you anymore, aren’t found on those special days. The truth about how he feels is something he shows during all the other days of the year, and in big and small ways.
If you feel him pulling away, that he’s hostile or disinterested on regular days, then it’s time to be concerned.
So, just what are the signs you should look for if you’re concerned your husband doesn't love you?
Below are 5 common signs seen by women when their husband has fallen out of love. I see these regularly in the lives of couples I'm counseling right now.
These examples aren’t just from wives who need help seeing and accepting the signs their husband doesn't love them, but also from husbands struggling to see and accept the signs that their wives may have fallen out of love as well.
What if your husband didn't get you anything for Christmas, could that be a sign your husband doesn't love you?
Possibly.
Some partners buy their own Christmas gifts every year with their spouses taking credit as if they were gifts coming from them. Everyone’s holiday habits and traditions differ, but if your spouse never makes an effort to do something special, that should be a red flag (read When He Doesn't Love You Back).
But what if the same husband gave you cards expressing his love for you on holidays, and not just one card, but multiple cards each time, would that prove he really loves you?
As I described earlier, if your husband gave you cards or gifts expressing his love for you ONLY on holidays, would that be proof he loves you? Or is that just going through the motions?
Expressions of love that ONLY happen on specific calendar occasions can also be a sign he doesn’t really love you.
If your wife told you yesterday you're a "piece of sh-t," she "can't stand to be around you," and wants you "out of my life forever," and then less than 24-hours later she's hugging you, being affectionate towards you, and even having sex with you, you should be concerned.
Although every couple argues, cruel and hurtful words on a regular basis, even if they’re followed by displays of affection, can be a sign that the love is gone. At minimum it’s a sign that your relationship needs work.
If, when you tell your husband how unhappy you are in your marriage, and what you’d like him to change to make things better, he always shifts the conversation around to what's wrong with you, there’s a problem.
Blaming you and accusing you of being the reason for his behavior isn’t right or healthy. If you're always the problem and he never is, this can be a sign your husband doesn't love you.
What if your husband is always finding fault with you? If it seems like in his eyes you can’t do anything right, and when you do seem to finally get it 'right' it’s met with cynicism and sarcasm, that’s not love.
In these situations it’s very likely that once you get one thing right, another thing you did wrong will pop up and start the cycle all over again. If you look back over your relationship and see a pattern of him not accepting you, that could be a sign he doesn’t really love you.
Have you asked your husband to change and he never has?
If he doesn't seem to hear you, making you feel that you must ask again and again, even to the point of nagging, consider it a warning sign.
What if you plead, but get no response?
What if you get so fed up and angry that you 'rant' at him trying to get him to hear you and act, and yet he still takes no action?
Could you be banging your head against the signs your husband doesn't love you?
Probably.
Below are a few more subtle signs that he doesn't love you anymore that I frequently see.
Keep in mind that it's easier to see signs a husband doesn't love his wife in someone else’s marriage more than it is in your own. Think of it like a you can’t see the forest because you’re surrounded by the tree’s scenario.
And the signs your husband doesn't love you can be the same as the signs your wife doesn't love you.
The unloving signs in the above examples are largely interchangeable between husbands and wives. Unloving behavior is unloving behavior, and it doesn't matter which partner it comes from.
When we love someone, we care about them, accept them, respect them, and make them and their needs a priority.
We make an effort to express our love for them in big and small ways.
If you're in a relationship where there's no real signs of real love, but there is a consistent pattern of the opposite, then you need to see and accept this as a sign your husband doesn't truly love you.
The next big question asked is usually, “Can we get the love back?” If your husband doesn’t love you, don’t give up just yet. There can still be hope. Check out – How Can I Get My Husband To Love Me Again? for more help.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published Feb 18, 2014, updated on December 10, 2019, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
Many husbands (and wives) are not "in love" with their partners any longer.
Is your spouse Emotionally Detached from you and your marriage? Check out these 7 Signs of Emotional Detachment and see where your relationship stands.
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Hi,
So a few things have happen of late, I feel as though my husband doesnt want to be here any more!!
It all started a few weeks ago when he was and still is getting home from work later and later. then the other night I caught him watching porn which you know he is a guy its normal but we don have sex any more!! I asked him why he was watching it and doing what he was doing and he yelled at me and said cuz i can get out get ot!!!!
I feel like he is moving further away,he will make any thing up to why he has fallen asleep on he lounge or spare bed, i feel like he would rather sleep yell at me or be at work then sit down work things out, i feel so lost that even half of what i have typed doesnt make sence. i feel like im losing my husband please help!!!!!!!!
Hi Unloved,
I can understand when you say that you feel you are lost.. I feel this same almost everyday and cry in front of people only to be embarassed more... I have tried every possible thing to save my relationship but it seems everything is and will be blamed on to me that I didnt play a perfect wife's role.. Being Indian, husbands or son are never wrong.. but even the smallest mistake made by wife/ DIL, is treated as if u killed someone... Yes, that is how I am being treated like and ignored out of limits and that too not sure of my mistake...
I would suggest you to communicate.. talk to him and try to find a solution.. talking cooly and calmly putting forward your thoughts, listening to him will really help you.. If you keep on suffering alone without talking, will only make you suffer more.. take help from family or friends.. Go for a therapy or counselling together and try to save your relationship..In my case, even family is not helpful as even my in laws doesnt bother to talk or interested to find a solution..
I wish you good luck and lots of love.. Be strong and dont loose hope.. at the end remember, if he loved you or has true emotions for you, even he will want to give another try and do things to save the marriage.. Its sad that its always the women who tries to make an attempt to save any relationship.. so might as well you take in charge and try your luck..
Hi Julie, APologies for not replying earlier.. However I am still very depressed.. My brothers were in town for a month and so it was a bit easy for me to forget.. but the pain was still there.. I was still missing my husband and almost every other day i cried.. The family functions, get together were there, but happiness was missing from me and the same was noticed by many people.. My lips were sealed but my eyes did all the talking.. My career is also affected as I didnt manage to find a project until today where i got placed in one of the projects.. In this four months, I have tried to call him, message him, email him, called his parents.. but there was not a single response by any of them.. my husband still didnt show pity on me or as a sake of humanity reply once to my attempts.. I am broken completely and felt like ending my life.. This is the reason, my parents dont allow me to go alone anywhere.. I know its stupid of me to even think like this.. But the pain is unbearable and untolerable.. All i want is to know what is the future to our relationship.. I really do not understand that coming back due to my work is being treated as if i left him.. I am sure if things would have been reversed, even he would have decided to go back and resume work.. And me, I have done everything, literally everything to support him.. But sadly the same was not reciprocated.. I feel hurt, because i love him.. One fight and i cannot break the relationship like how he has been doing... I am still in a hope that one day he will come back to me.. I still believe that he loves me, but its just he is still angry.. Not sure if i am leaving in dreams...
I have experienced all of this. he has choked me and then denies it, has punched and hit me and denies it, or says I hit him, when I did not. He lies, cheats, verbally, mentally and physically abuses. He is very controlling. He lies like crazy, he is definitely a narcissist. so much more. lied and said he had a job in CA when he really did not. He just wanted to get me away from family and support, like controllers do. now that he has taken all my money, abused me more, screwed me over, he is now saying he does not want to be in a relationship. He is a controller, abuser. he even says there is nothing wrong with domestic violence. he is a Jekyll and hyde. says one thing, then says he did not say or do it, when he did. he needs help. he loves to abuse, especially females. he says females are here for his benefit, no matter what you are doing. He stole a lot of money when he takes off. when I stand up for my rights, he runs off, then comes back. he is the devil.
So sad. Me too.
Hi Julie,
i would also like to tell you, my husband was never like this before.. I mean before marriage.. We have fought almost every other day but also patched up soon.. However I saw a difference after our marriage, the fight were more related to money matters or the ones like cleaning, applying sindoor, etc , and whenever we had a major fight, he used to stop talking to me for 3-4 days.. I also used to give him space and time to cool down.. Only later after 1.5 years of marriage i realised, that he was giving me silent treatment... My husband has loved me, made me feel good, but the kind of spark and relationship we had before marriage was absent after marriage.. Maybe i also didn't put in extra efforts and we both took each other as granted.. I was the same before mad, careless, funny, outspoken.. But after marriage, i was expected to show maturity, i was expected to not be myself and be a more responsible person.. and trust me, i tried doing all this.. I missed how i was earlier.. I had so many friends, so many interests.. But my husband's support and company was enough to keep me going..Infact that was the only expectation from him.. To be there with me however bad I am.. And i had this expectation becuase i was there for him everytime, even when he used to insult my family, i stood with him and for him.. i also know one thing, i have adjusted, compromised, sacrificed, complained out of my ability so that he can be happy.. I have tried to put forward my point of view, but instead of understanding, i only got forcing from him.. I am sorry to share this things on this forum, but i cannot share all this things with anyone else.. It just hurt me more because my husband was never like this before marriage... and only reason i can think a change in his behaviour is the jwellery theft that happened... and seeing he is ready to spoil his relationship because of materialistic things, make me cry more.. Coz i believe, money is a thing that can be there today but not tomorow and there there after tomorow again..
I keep sharing things, because I just want to vent it out.. And in this forum, i can see people sharing their things without any fear as nobody knows anyone here.. But still there for each other to show care and support.. Coz in such times, even some good words from a . stranger, makes us feel some worth and strong.
Hello Vai,
I am so sorry i did not reply sooner dear, been so busy with this new business i started last year. If i recall u last told me u back in India and he has not bothered to contact u, and from u recent note he still has not. The one good thing is this forum where u can share without being judged as we all come here to seek or offer help to each other. The good thing is u are reaching out and venting all that is troubling u, and thats ok. Unless your husband does not reach out and let u know what he wants, u will never know. The strangest part about men, u think u know them but they dont show all of themselves to us, as yrs go we slowly learn more abt them, most times they dont even know themselves, so this strange behavior of his cant tell us much, but all i can say from experience is if a man truly love u, he will never put u through this, infact he will never let u go. He will find one reason to stay together and that is his love for u. How long are u going to live in limbo??. In time u will accept what is going on and move on, i know its hard, but believe me when i say "time does heal", and soon u will put this all behind and stop living in hope that he will change and come back. If he does and gives u a good reason for his behavior then u decide where u going from here. As i said before write on a paper all the positive and negative qualities abt him and see what out weighs the other. Most men are attentive and loving before marriage and once married they lose that and its all work for the woman coz she must keep it together, which is so unfair. Maybe he has done u a favor, now that door can be open to a wonderful man, maybe a soulmate. I know right now u dont want to hear this but when a person enters ur life, it may be for a reason or season and once his purpose is fulfilled he exits ur life, its all karma. Its not a pleasant ecperience but makes us stronger even thou u feel helpless and weak, these lessons will make u strong.
I am coming to Mumbai in September, would love to meet if u live in Mumbai. Just doing Surat, Nashik, Shirdi and back to Mumbai. I pray and wish u find clarity with this soon so u can know which direction to take. I wish u all the best in ur career and please dont lose heart. Be kind to U. Big hugs
Love Julie