You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
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If you’re a woman worried that your husband doesn’t love you, you’re not alone. The concern that their husband no longer loves them is a something we hear all the time from women.
If you feel like the love is gone, you may very well be right.
In long-term relationships it’s not uncommon for one partner to fall out of love, leaving the other feeling devastated. So, it isn’t surprising that women ask us if there are signs they should look for that will tell them how their husband really feels.
The answer is, yes. There are several signs you may see indicating your husband doesn't love you.
The problem is almost never that there aren't any signs – it’s that wives almost never want to see them for what they are. Avoiding pain is a common human response for all of us.
While some of the signs are hard to see, most are not.
Understandably, most women don't want to face them. Ignoring, making excuses, or deciding that what they’re seeing means something else is easier to do that than admitting your husband probably doesn't love you.
There are certain times of the year when expressions of love for our partner are expected. Societal pressure pushes us to act on the biggies, like Valentine's Day, Christmas, wedding anniversaries, and birthdays.
It's important, however, not to put too much meaning into obligatory 'I love you's expressed on these days. Real love is shown in what we do every day of the year, not just on special occasions.
The signs that your husband loves you, or may not love you anymore, aren’t found on those special days. The truth about how he feels is something he shows during all the other days of the year, and in big and small ways.
If you feel him pulling away, that he’s hostile or disinterested on regular days, then it’s time to be concerned.
So, just what are the signs you should look for if you’re concerned your husband doesn't love you?
Below are 5 common signs seen by women when their husband has fallen out of love. I see these regularly in the lives of couples I'm counseling right now.
These examples aren’t just from wives who need help seeing and accepting the signs their husband doesn't love them, but also from husbands struggling to see and accept the signs that their wives may have fallen out of love as well.
What if your husband didn't get you anything for Christmas, could that be a sign your husband doesn't love you?
Possibly.
Some partners buy their own Christmas gifts every year with their spouses taking credit as if they were gifts coming from them. Everyone’s holiday habits and traditions differ, but if your spouse never makes an effort to do something special, that should be a red flag (read When He Doesn't Love You Back).
But what if the same husband gave you cards expressing his love for you on holidays, and not just one card, but multiple cards each time, would that prove he really loves you?
As I described earlier, if your husband gave you cards or gifts expressing his love for you ONLY on holidays, would that be proof he loves you? Or is that just going through the motions?
Expressions of love that ONLY happen on specific calendar occasions can also be a sign he doesn’t really love you.
If your wife told you yesterday you're a "piece of sh-t," she "can't stand to be around you," and wants you "out of my life forever," and then less than 24-hours later she's hugging you, being affectionate towards you, and even having sex with you, you should be concerned.
Although every couple argues, cruel and hurtful words on a regular basis, even if they’re followed by displays of affection, can be a sign that the love is gone. At minimum it’s a sign that your relationship needs work.
If, when you tell your husband how unhappy you are in your marriage, and what you’d like him to change to make things better, he always shifts the conversation around to what's wrong with you, there’s a problem.
Blaming you and accusing you of being the reason for his behavior isn’t right or healthy. If you're always the problem and he never is, this can be a sign your husband doesn't love you.
What if your husband is always finding fault with you? If it seems like in his eyes you can’t do anything right, and when you do seem to finally get it 'right' it’s met with cynicism and sarcasm, that’s not love.
In these situations it’s very likely that once you get one thing right, another thing you did wrong will pop up and start the cycle all over again. If you look back over your relationship and see a pattern of him not accepting you, that could be a sign he doesn’t really love you.
Have you asked your husband to change and he never has?
If he doesn't seem to hear you, making you feel that you must ask again and again, even to the point of nagging, consider it a warning sign.
What if you plead, but get no response?
What if you get so fed up and angry that you 'rant' at him trying to get him to hear you and act, and yet he still takes no action?
Could you be banging your head against the signs your husband doesn't love you?
Probably.
Below are a few more subtle signs that he doesn't love you anymore that I frequently see.
Keep in mind that it's easier to see signs a husband doesn't love his wife in someone else’s marriage more than it is in your own. Think of it like a you can’t see the forest because you’re surrounded by the tree’s scenario.
And the signs your husband doesn't love you can be the same as the signs your wife doesn't love you.
The unloving signs in the above examples are largely interchangeable between husbands and wives. Unloving behavior is unloving behavior, and it doesn't matter which partner it comes from.
When we love someone, we care about them, accept them, respect them, and make them and their needs a priority.
We make an effort to express our love for them in big and small ways.
If you're in a relationship where there's no real signs of real love, but there is a consistent pattern of the opposite, then you need to see and accept this as a sign your husband doesn't truly love you.
The next big question asked is usually, “Can we get the love back?” If your husband doesn’t love you, don’t give up just yet. There can still be hope. Check out – How Can I Get My Husband To Love Me Again? for more help.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published Feb 18, 2014, updated on December 10, 2019, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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My husband has refused to have a baby with me, he refuses to do anything for my birthday and tells me I look like crap when I have on sexy underwear and ask him for a compliment. I know he can't love me.
Sorry to hear about this but his not worth it! Kick him out and fill for divorce keep your house and fight for half of everything!
I am in the same boat. My bf of 16 years treated me horribly. All because I have gained weight over the years. But he still treated me terribly when I lost a lot of weight eating healthy and exercising. I was tiny and he still was not happy with my weight. I cooked cleaned, worked like a man by helping hauling wood and helping him build a deck. So I finally had it I left him and bought my own house. I told him I left him because he treats me really badly and was constantly mean to me and he replied it was because I was fat. Wrong that was not the reason I was a housekeeper that was all I was. He treats my best married female friend like a queen. No matter what she does he always made and still makes excuses for her. I am so much happier single now. But I do not think that I can be in a relationship with another man for a very long time as I just think of dating someone and I feel ill and it just disgusts me. Will I ever get over that feeling?
Sarah, It's hard to break up after such a long relationship, and to get past our feelings when we weren't treated well. I can't say for sure those feelings will go away, but there's a saying that time heals all wounds. Be patient and give it time. -Kurt
I need help with my marriage. We are coming up on a year of marriage soon and been together for about3 years. Things moved fast for us in the beginning. Moved in fast,got pregnant soon after. But now it seems he's just tired of me and to be honest it males me feel ugly and unwanted. We he groaned or we have an argument he'll go into the bedroom and stay in there. Kind feel like he's punishing me in a way. And that just makes me feel more lonely and unwanted. Just recently he said he can't stand me,and that hurt me. He's always saying I yell too much,I'm annoying and all this stuff that's wrong with me. That's what I feel he's saying,that I'm just wrong. I don't know what to do. We're having alot more arguments than we use to and I want it to go back the way it use to be. I don't want my family separated. I know he loves e,he compliments me and is affectionate to me. But our last argument he said he was done and that he promised himself he wouldn't ever stay in a relationship if he's unhappy again. He was referring to his past relationship. It's wrong to compare me to his ex. Like I'm his wife and we have a child. He didn't have none of that with her. I keep trying to tell him marriage is a team and it takes work. I don't think he gets that. He shuts me out and locks himself in the bedroom when things get stressful and we argue. What can I do to make my relationship better and not end. And how can I get him to communicate with me instead of him hiding and ignoring me?
Heather, As you say, things moved fast, so that's a lot of change in a short amount of time. You're right, he shouldn't be comparing you to any ex girlfriends or anyone else. Maybe try going to marriage counseling. A professional can help give him the tools you both need to communicate better. If he won't go with you, start on you own. -Kurt
I feel the same as you and maybe together we can get to the bottom of our situations