You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
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If you’re a woman worried that your husband doesn’t love you, you’re not alone. The concern that their husband no longer loves them is a something we hear all the time from women.
If you feel like the love is gone, you may very well be right.
In long-term relationships it’s not uncommon for one partner to fall out of love, leaving the other feeling devastated. So, it isn’t surprising that women ask us if there are signs they should look for that will tell them how their husband really feels.
The answer is, yes. There are several signs you may see indicating your husband doesn't love you.
The problem is almost never that there aren't any signs – it’s that wives almost never want to see them for what they are. Avoiding pain is a common human response for all of us.
While some of the signs are hard to see, most are not.
Understandably, most women don't want to face them. Ignoring, making excuses, or deciding that what they’re seeing means something else is easier to do that than admitting your husband probably doesn't love you.
There are certain times of the year when expressions of love for our partner are expected. Societal pressure pushes us to act on the biggies, like Valentine's Day, Christmas, wedding anniversaries, and birthdays.
It's important, however, not to put too much meaning into obligatory 'I love you's expressed on these days. Real love is shown in what we do every day of the year, not just on special occasions.
The signs that your husband loves you, or may not love you anymore, aren’t found on those special days. The truth about how he feels is something he shows during all the other days of the year, and in big and small ways.
If you feel him pulling away, that he’s hostile or disinterested on regular days, then it’s time to be concerned.
So, just what are the signs you should look for if you’re concerned your husband doesn't love you?
Below are 5 common signs seen by women when their husband has fallen out of love. I see these regularly in the lives of couples I'm counseling right now.
These examples aren’t just from wives who need help seeing and accepting the signs their husband doesn't love them, but also from husbands struggling to see and accept the signs that their wives may have fallen out of love as well.
What if your husband didn't get you anything for Christmas, could that be a sign your husband doesn't love you?
Possibly.
Some partners buy their own Christmas gifts every year with their spouses taking credit as if they were gifts coming from them. Everyone’s holiday habits and traditions differ, but if your spouse never makes an effort to do something special, that should be a red flag (read When He Doesn't Love You Back).
But what if the same husband gave you cards expressing his love for you on holidays, and not just one card, but multiple cards each time, would that prove he really loves you?
As I described earlier, if your husband gave you cards or gifts expressing his love for you ONLY on holidays, would that be proof he loves you? Or is that just going through the motions?
Expressions of love that ONLY happen on specific calendar occasions can also be a sign he doesn’t really love you.
If your wife told you yesterday you're a "piece of sh-t," she "can't stand to be around you," and wants you "out of my life forever," and then less than 24-hours later she's hugging you, being affectionate towards you, and even having sex with you, you should be concerned.
Although every couple argues, cruel and hurtful words on a regular basis, even if they’re followed by displays of affection, can be a sign that the love is gone. At minimum it’s a sign that your relationship needs work.
If, when you tell your husband how unhappy you are in your marriage, and what you’d like him to change to make things better, he always shifts the conversation around to what's wrong with you, there’s a problem.
Blaming you and accusing you of being the reason for his behavior isn’t right or healthy. If you're always the problem and he never is, this can be a sign your husband doesn't love you.
What if your husband is always finding fault with you? If it seems like in his eyes you can’t do anything right, and when you do seem to finally get it 'right' it’s met with cynicism and sarcasm, that’s not love.
In these situations it’s very likely that once you get one thing right, another thing you did wrong will pop up and start the cycle all over again. If you look back over your relationship and see a pattern of him not accepting you, that could be a sign he doesn’t really love you.
Have you asked your husband to change and he never has?
If he doesn't seem to hear you, making you feel that you must ask again and again, even to the point of nagging, consider it a warning sign.
What if you plead, but get no response?
What if you get so fed up and angry that you 'rant' at him trying to get him to hear you and act, and yet he still takes no action?
Could you be banging your head against the signs your husband doesn't love you?
Probably.
Below are a few more subtle signs that he doesn't love you anymore that I frequently see.
Keep in mind that it's easier to see signs a husband doesn't love his wife in someone else’s marriage more than it is in your own. Think of it like a you can’t see the forest because you’re surrounded by the tree’s scenario.
And the signs your husband doesn't love you can be the same as the signs your wife doesn't love you.
The unloving signs in the above examples are largely interchangeable between husbands and wives. Unloving behavior is unloving behavior, and it doesn't matter which partner it comes from.
When we love someone, we care about them, accept them, respect them, and make them and their needs a priority.
We make an effort to express our love for them in big and small ways.
If you're in a relationship where there's no real signs of real love, but there is a consistent pattern of the opposite, then you need to see and accept this as a sign your husband doesn't truly love you.
The next big question asked is usually, “Can we get the love back?” If your husband doesn’t love you, don’t give up just yet. There can still be hope. Check out – How Can I Get My Husband To Love Me Again? for more help.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published Feb 18, 2014, updated on December 10, 2019, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
Many husbands (and wives) are not "in love" with their partners any longer.
Is your spouse Emotionally Detached from you and your marriage? Check out these 7 Signs of Emotional Detachment and see where your relationship stands.
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I really understand when you say it's a bad idea, but this is true from what happened to me recently! He was avoiding me almost similar situation but for him he could say I have a meeting till late please do not sleep until I come! and I always did till 2 to 3 am now one day I was sooo tired of it and decided to sleep and leave him alone and then I said let me get another job that would keep me busy and when I get home it would be easy to sleep and it worked out as I planned... and HERE HE IS! Complaining honey you no longer give me time and I said I gave you my time and you wasn't interest so now please let me use my time with something useful instead of nagging.. eventually he changed he realized I was no longer wasting my time waiting and came back to me SO TRUST ME when I say men are like kids they always want a tough decision to know what's right.
May God give us wisdom to know how to keep our marriages.Amen
This completely describes us. I feel like I do not love him because he does not love me. I have tried being loving, considerate, respectful, and it really makes no difference. It is beyond obvious to me that he does not love me, but we're expecting our fifth child next month, and I am a stay at home mom who also homeschools. I don't want our kids to think marriage is just conversations and no consideration and no affection. I meet his physical needs. I do all his laundry. I am a frickin doormat and he doesn't even want to do fun things that I would enjoy also. It's his interests or nothing. He is a loving father. I see him show them love. I can't leave him for at least a couple years, but I hate being so miserable. It affects my mothering. Maybe I can just die during my C-section next month and hopefully he doesn't return to severe alcoholism and drug abuse, but finds a nice girl who will love my kids and do better than me.
Carrie, Being pregnant adds stress to a relationship, even after having other children, as well as on you. You also sound like you might be considering hurting yourself. Please call your OBGYN or the national hotline at 800-273-8255 anytime 24/7 to talk to someone first. You can also you can reach out to me by clicking the Contact link at the top of this page. -Kurt
I have been depressed since long and came across this website.. We have been best friends for about 4 yours and then got married 1.5 years back.. Our relationship always had ups and downs. But everytime he came and tried to make me feel good. He abused me physically and mentally before marriage but I was blind in love (or so called love), I was used to him. So used to forgive him the next moment when he came and apologized to me..
Being an Indian we have lots of rituals.. one of being giving gold to Daughter in law (DIL) during engagement.. We are from different cities and in our culture, marriage takes place at girls place. In our case it was different, we were being lied and we were forced to go to guys place for marriage. My parents were strictly against it but eventually agreed for me. Engagement was at our place and marriage at their. On engagement they gave me Gold which we were to return them on marriage. Travelling 1000 KM for marriage and ensuring all Gold is safe in place, finally at the venue it was stolen from our end and there started everything.. They started blaming from that point in time that we stole it and being North indians they were being very rude. They wanted to file a police complaint, but we avoided as it was not easy being staying at other parts of India. And moreover we both worked out of India so my parents did not want to get in trouble. My elder brother ensure d to repay back the amount. But my Husband and his family had different expectation of filing police complaint or asking for forgiveness.. which i dont understand why should we do as we didnt do that. But since then my Husband has been blaming us that we carried out the theft. He has been abusing my elder brother, my parents and also me every time he got the oppurtunity. When i rebel puting the blame on them that they have carried out the theft as it was their city, he used to get angry. My in laws never told me anything on this matter but my Husband used to bring it every time. Everytime we fight, he runs to call his mom and comes with things i never expect. Whatever has to happen should be as per him else he gets angry. Its he who starts the fight everytime but at the end he blames me that I am the one who is poking him to fight. He and his family thinks they are right always and whole world is liying to them.. He fights me on very small things. The other day he asked me to apply sindoor (its a hindu tradition to put red colored powdered on forehead to indiciate a girl is married). But in todays age people have put all this things back and moving forward but my husband does not support me. We recently came to Netherlands as he got his job here. I am working too but for him, i came with him on leave without pay and at home since more than 3 months.. I am not earning at the moment. He told me that he will support me in all possible ways to utilise this time so that i grow professionally and can try for local jobs. But when he fights he wants everything as per him. Since last fight he has not been talking to me. And its more than 3 weeks. When i asked him until when are we going to do this, he mentioned that things between us can never change. I plead and cry in front of him just so that we can start all over together and give another chance. But he cannot speak good. He brings all old things and the jwellery theft stuff. Only 1.5 years and he mentioned that I am the one who is d the one he is not talking to him, I am the one who is poking him. All i want is we talk normally and stay happy. SInce a month he has been directly and indirectly asking me to leave as things between us can never be good again. My parents and my brother is supporting me as they know my husband and his family can never change. Mental abuse will continue forever. Its better u make a move out of this relationship. But deep inside I am not able to make this move. I feel he still loves me, he is just angry. But when he says me to leave, i dont know what to do. I have done everything what he has said.. Do cooking, cleaning, laundry, everything and he doesnt even care to give a helping hand. I cry for hours and hours asking and pleading him but he doesnt care. When i stop he talks old stuff, i get angry and give him a reply, then he blames that now u were pleading and know see how are you talking. I dont understand what to do. I am in Netherlands and my family is in India. Until now, its been 3 times i booked ticekts and cancelled them only to waste money. Once i checked in bags and was leaving, but he came to airport and asked me not to leave. But the very next day, the cycle started again. He stopped talking thinking things will trun good. He always blamed me that things happen as per me, but i never saw that. Instead things happen as per him. THis time also i am pleading him lets forget everything and start fresh but he just begs me to leave him alone.. I run behind me but he closes door on my face and doesnt even care to look behind. I am not able to leave thinking how can he leave alone. But on the other hand, I am not happy either. Please help me in case I can do something to improve myself.
Vai, This is very complicated for this forum, especially with all of the cultural nuances and in-law involvement. He needs to take responsibility for his own behavior - abuse is never okay. Only you know if leaving is right for you, and maybe a visit home would be helpful, but ultimately you need to decide what it is you want from your relationship, and what you're willing to tolerate. -Kurt
Hello Vai, I feel for u angel, the 1st thing u need to change dear is whenever u both have an argument " DO NOT GO RUNNING BEHIND HIM" that is the "BIGGEST " mistake u make. For him he wants to see u at his mercy, its like a sick game he is playing on u. As much as u love him, he does not respect or truly love u. When someone loves u, u dont have to beg for his love or attention, love is a natural feeling so it comes without force. Sweetheart, i am Indian born here in South Africa and i understand the cultures but enough is enough. Ask him to go for counselling to save your marriage, both of u go, if he does not agree then book your ticket without him knowing so he does not stop u . U are a human and not a toy for him to play with your emotions. When u young the world is at your feet and u can make changes now unlike most of us who feel trapped in a marriage and now we too old to move on and stay stuck and die a slow death every day. I broke up with my partner and at 1st its soo hard but time makes everything better, now i love that im free and have found peace within, i respect myself now coz this man made me feel like i was not good enough but now i know better. Dont throw yourself at this man's feet and be his doormat. Its up to u if this is what u want in life. Think long and hard darling and please stop running and begging him for attention, if u stop this he will see u changed and may respect u and come to u. Respect yourself
Blessing and take care
Hi Julie, I finally had to leave because of my work. But while I was leaving, my parents were blamed. I didnt understand how we are to be blamed when it is office who didnt approve my leaves. I believe his expectation from me was to resign from current organization and look for jobs in Netherlands. Well, i would have done that as well, if he showed some mercy on me and talked to me. But the more he didnt talk to me, more strongly i felt to go back. But last day i saw him crying and i felt guilty that i am leaving him alone in a different country. But i had to report back to work so had to leave. He didnt come to see me at airport but dropped me till bus stop. I asked for a hug before leaving, but he didnt. He was never like this before. Maybe i left him, thats y? After coming back, i tried to talk to him for around 2 weeks, but he didnt see my messages nor did he reply. I stopped communicating with him thinking he might come back. But its been a week and there is no sign of comunication. I love him and miss him a lot, but i dont know what is our future. I feel very bad for him
I say something and he takes it in another direction. This goes on with everything we talk about, even simple topics. What is going on? We are truly speaking two different languages even though both are English.
KK, Communication can become difficult when struggling in a relationship. See the Communication section on the right of this page for some tips and suggestions. You may also want to check out the Midlife Crisis section, as well. -Kurt
Thank you. I have read some of these articles and can relate. I am not saying I do not have my own faults, but I try very hard to make things work and the hubby thinks his only job starts and ends with going to work. After 30 years of marriage there is nothing I can do or say to make him understand that marriage is a full time commitment and not just a side note. He isn't a bad guy but he does refuse to talk, unless it's only on the surface. His theory is that if you ignore a problem it will resolve itself. I'm not sure if I can continue with that type of plan but he constantly tells me everything is good and there is little to talk over. (Unless it's sports or the guys at work. lol) I suppose I am just venting over the frustration of never getting anywhere and being forced to handle each and every situation without any emotional support from him. Thanks for you time.
I'm not sure what to do. This is my husband for 30 years. He left 6 weeks ago but came back saying he would give 100% into trying to make this work. Our previous counselor told us we both need individual counseling along with couple counseling. She said he needs to find out what is stopping him from having/providing the emotional closeness in a marriage. So he came back not working on the things he said he would do and I have asked him to leave until he has worked on things and he won't leave. So now I live in a house that I have to see him every day he wants to make small talk and I'm supposed to be fine with it not cry not be upset. He listens to me cry as much as I try to hide it and he has no emotion over it. I am fixing the house so we can sell it I see the writing on the wall. If I leave the house won't get fixed so we can sale it. He doesn't want to sell it he wants to keep it so he won't leave. It was my inheritance that has allowed us to do this and make a rather large profit.