You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
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If you’re a woman worried that your husband doesn’t love you, you’re not alone. The concern that their husband no longer loves them is a something we hear all the time from women.
If you feel like the love is gone, you may very well be right.
In long-term relationships it’s not uncommon for one partner to fall out of love, leaving the other feeling devastated. So, it isn’t surprising that women ask us if there are signs they should look for that will tell them how their husband really feels.
The answer is, yes. There are several signs you may see indicating your husband doesn't love you.
The problem is almost never that there aren't any signs – it’s that wives almost never want to see them for what they are. Avoiding pain is a common human response for all of us.
While some of the signs are hard to see, most are not.
Understandably, most women don't want to face them. Ignoring, making excuses, or deciding that what they’re seeing means something else is easier to do that than admitting your husband probably doesn't love you.
There are certain times of the year when expressions of love for our partner are expected. Societal pressure pushes us to act on the biggies, like Valentine's Day, Christmas, wedding anniversaries, and birthdays.
It's important, however, not to put too much meaning into obligatory 'I love you's expressed on these days. Real love is shown in what we do every day of the year, not just on special occasions.
The signs that your husband loves you, or may not love you anymore, aren’t found on those special days. The truth about how he feels is something he shows during all the other days of the year, and in big and small ways.
If you feel him pulling away, that he’s hostile or disinterested on regular days, then it’s time to be concerned.
So, just what are the signs you should look for if you’re concerned your husband doesn't love you?
Below are 5 common signs seen by women when their husband has fallen out of love. I see these regularly in the lives of couples I'm counseling right now.
These examples aren’t just from wives who need help seeing and accepting the signs their husband doesn't love them, but also from husbands struggling to see and accept the signs that their wives may have fallen out of love as well.
What if your husband didn't get you anything for Christmas, could that be a sign your husband doesn't love you?
Possibly.
Some partners buy their own Christmas gifts every year with their spouses taking credit as if they were gifts coming from them. Everyone’s holiday habits and traditions differ, but if your spouse never makes an effort to do something special, that should be a red flag (read When He Doesn't Love You Back).
But what if the same husband gave you cards expressing his love for you on holidays, and not just one card, but multiple cards each time, would that prove he really loves you?
As I described earlier, if your husband gave you cards or gifts expressing his love for you ONLY on holidays, would that be proof he loves you? Or is that just going through the motions?
Expressions of love that ONLY happen on specific calendar occasions can also be a sign he doesn’t really love you.
If your wife told you yesterday you're a "piece of sh-t," she "can't stand to be around you," and wants you "out of my life forever," and then less than 24-hours later she's hugging you, being affectionate towards you, and even having sex with you, you should be concerned.
Although every couple argues, cruel and hurtful words on a regular basis, even if they’re followed by displays of affection, can be a sign that the love is gone. At minimum it’s a sign that your relationship needs work.
If, when you tell your husband how unhappy you are in your marriage, and what you’d like him to change to make things better, he always shifts the conversation around to what's wrong with you, there’s a problem.
Blaming you and accusing you of being the reason for his behavior isn’t right or healthy. If you're always the problem and he never is, this can be a sign your husband doesn't love you.
What if your husband is always finding fault with you? If it seems like in his eyes you can’t do anything right, and when you do seem to finally get it 'right' it’s met with cynicism and sarcasm, that’s not love.
In these situations it’s very likely that once you get one thing right, another thing you did wrong will pop up and start the cycle all over again. If you look back over your relationship and see a pattern of him not accepting you, that could be a sign he doesn’t really love you.
Have you asked your husband to change and he never has?
If he doesn't seem to hear you, making you feel that you must ask again and again, even to the point of nagging, consider it a warning sign.
What if you plead, but get no response?
What if you get so fed up and angry that you 'rant' at him trying to get him to hear you and act, and yet he still takes no action?
Could you be banging your head against the signs your husband doesn't love you?
Probably.
Below are a few more subtle signs that he doesn't love you anymore that I frequently see.
Keep in mind that it's easier to see signs a husband doesn't love his wife in someone else’s marriage more than it is in your own. Think of it like a you can’t see the forest because you’re surrounded by the tree’s scenario.
And the signs your husband doesn't love you can be the same as the signs your wife doesn't love you.
The unloving signs in the above examples are largely interchangeable between husbands and wives. Unloving behavior is unloving behavior, and it doesn't matter which partner it comes from.
When we love someone, we care about them, accept them, respect them, and make them and their needs a priority.
We make an effort to express our love for them in big and small ways.
If you're in a relationship where there's no real signs of real love, but there is a consistent pattern of the opposite, then you need to see and accept this as a sign your husband doesn't truly love you.
The next big question asked is usually, “Can we get the love back?” If your husband doesn’t love you, don’t give up just yet. There can still be hope. Check out – How Can I Get My Husband To Love Me Again? for more help.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published Feb 18, 2014, updated on December 10, 2019, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
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Hello,
I am so confused. I really love my husband and I do think he loves me. I don't know. Here is our problem, he doesn't care about sex at all. A lot of people don't believe me but it's true. I think he has low testosterone or something. He once told me that sex is only for getting pregnant and that he isn't ready for another one yet. I have even cried hysterically to him telling him how important sex is to me. I have a VERY high sex drive. He doesn't seem to care. The other problem is that anytime I try to talk to him about something, even if I use "I" language he turns it around and deflects it on me every time like he is perfect. The last main problem is that everything is him and me, never us or we. We even had separate bank accounts until this last year. Anytime I spent money from "his" paycheck (like yesterday I spent 30 at the grocery store) he freaks out and crys that I always use his money. The thing is, he makes 7 dollars more per hour than I do and work like 40 hours more. So sometimes his money needs to be used. Everyone says that nope it's supposed to be both of your money because you're married. I don't know what to do. He isn't going to change and I'm getting more unhappy every year.
My husband and I have been married 13yrs. 10 of those have been spent yelling, screaming, disrespecting and hating me. He believes anyone else over me, there is nothing that I can say that he believes is truthful. Then all of a sudden, 3 1/2yrs ago, he decided that he had acted a fool long enough, it was time to "settle down and live right". Now we don't argue, but we don't talk either, when I talk to him, he falls asleep, he doesn't have any energy or desire to do anything or go anywhere unless one of his friends call, then he's out of the door. Also we go weeks without sex unless I bring it up. I really hate sitting at home from Sunday to Saturday, never going anywhere, and if we do, it's to the same $12 all you can eat buffet, then straight back to the house. I'm frustrated and I do not know what to do. I have felt like the marriage has been over for several years now, our son is probably the main reason that we haven't called it quits
Lasha, What we allow will continue, and remember that your son is learning what an adult relationship looks like from you both. Only you can know if leaving is right for you, but marriage counseling might be a good step to take to get to bottom of what's going on. Even if he won't go with you, you can go alone and still get the benefits from it. -Kurt
My husband has a day off of work and doesn't seem to want to use that as time to be with me he slept all day which is understandable but now all night he wants to sleep more just facing the wall he never gets off we are always fighting for time together or I guess maybe it's just me, and when he's at work I feel like I have to ask him to Call me on lunch breaks to talk to each other once a day, I just never feel like he is coming to me I always feel like I'm chasing him and up his but rather than feeling loved and wanted myself from him is this a sign he doesn't truly love me?
Kayla, I can't say if he loves you or not without knowing him at all, but from what you describe it does sound like there are some issues to work out. Maybe give professional counseling a try and see if you can get to the bottom of what's going on. -Kurt
Priscilla, I think what you are saying is mere B.S.
Priscilla, I think what you are saying is mere B.S.