Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
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Shhh! Here's a topic nobody's comfortable talking about. But it's a reality for a lot of men and their partners. Women ask me all the time for help dealing with a husband who’s watching porn and masturbating.
This very uncomfortable topic plagues many couples. And for every one couple who admits there’s a problem, there are many more who are struggling with it privately.
Unfortunately, for those couples who don’t seek help, masturbating while watching porn will most likely cause a number of problems within the relationship. And no amount of time or avoiding will make the problem any less uncomfortable to discuss?
So, how do you handle this kind of embarrassing problem?
What can a wife really do when her husband’s watching porn and masturbating?
First, you need to realize you’re far from alone in this uncomfortable situation and find some comfort in that fact.
Porn has become so easily available and normalized by our society that it’s a regular part of many people’s lives these days.
Second, know that your situation isn’t hopeless.
There are ways to help your husband see how unhealthy a porn addiction is and begin to address it. Not to mention how painful it is to you as his wife.
Many men don’t really understand the damage their porn habit does to their wives and how it can destroy their marriage over time.
In fact, most men consider porn a harmless habit and acceptable way to relieve stress. The fact that it’s damaging the intimacy in their marriage, devaluing their relationship, and humiliating to their wives doesn’t occur to them.
Below is an email from a woman with a husband watching porn and masturbating. She's trying to understand what's going on with him and how to make it stop, but he won't talk about it.
I've been married for almost 4 years now and my husband's watching porn and masturbating every time I left my house. As far as I know, he's stopped. Now he's saving photos of women on his computer in the same folder as the photos of myself that I took just for him. I've asked him to stop, he ignores the question and doesn't talk about it. My question is how do I get him to open up and talk about this because it is hurting me deeply." -Janice
Can you relate to her (or him)?
In addition to the devaluing of the intimacy in your relationship, your husband’s habit of masturbating to porn can cause further problems in your marriage. Among them are,
It's important to remember that not everyone who watches pornography or masturbates will experience these problems.
Make him stop? No.
Work with him to end what’s likely to have become an addiction? Probably, but you’ll need some help.
So, Janice wants to know how to get her husband to open up and talk about masturbating and viewing porn, and why he should stop.
Hmmm...good luck!
Actually, it is possible, but it’s not easy and she’ll most likely need some help from a knowledgeable counselor.
Many of us have a very difficult time discussing uncomfortable topics, even with our spouse.
You know, things like how we each spend money, overeating and weight, or sex.
Most couples can't talk about these issues effectively or without it turning into a big fight. Of course, arguing and fighting are no way to communicate about tough topics and find solutions that work.
As a result, we often just ignore those topics and avoid talking about them. And porn and masturbation are probably at the top of the uncomfortable topic list for almost everybody.
If Janice and her husband can't talk about tough subjects, how are they ever going to talk about one of the most difficult?
My advice - start small.
Janice needs to begin by starting to talk to her husband about the 'small' hard stuff, get some practice doing that before she tries to tackle the 'big' hard stuff.
It’s also very likely that Janice and her husband have some underlying trust issues as well. Many couples dealing with porn addiction do.
But by starting small and practicing communicating about the 'small' hard stuff, Janice and her husband can rebuild some trust that will help them tackle the 'bigger' hard stuff.
A good place for them to start small would be to discuss how she feels about the pictures she took for him and how he uses them.
Unfortunately for Janice, there's just not a quick and easy formula to deal with this. And sadly, most men who claim to have stopped initially have actually just gotten better at hiding it.
Porn is too available and too addictive for many men to just stop on their own, even when they finally realize how it’s hurting their wives.
So, despite what Janice wants to think, my guess is that he hasn't stopped watching porn – no matter how much she wants to believe that he has.
If you've got a husband watching porn and masturbating, start 'small' too. Obviously, it takes a lot more than this to solve the problem, but it's a great strategy to use to begin to make some progress communicating.
And being able to communicate is the first place most of couples get stuck.
Remember,
And lastly, remember that as overwhelming as the topic of porn and masturbation may feel, it is possible to address it and change it.
Editor’s note: This post was originally published December 14, 2013 and was updated June 30, 2020 and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
Wondering if Porn Is Cheating? Find out what psychology experts say about whether Porn Is Cheating.
Breaking a porn addiction isn’t easy. Learn how to handle relapses here.
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I was molested I started with porn at 7 years old.
Got married after receiving salvation and being celibate.
Had children almost immediately and wife changed and no longer wanted to have sex.
I turned to porn after having to spend months sometimes with out making love.
I admitted to my wife about my porn issue and have suffered accusation after accusation till I simply gave in and did it again.
Wife had an affair with our pastor and I chose to forgive and work this out.
Wife now blames me for the indiscretion and this made me to be very cold and distant and turn back to porn again.
So used to no sex I simply turned my sexual side off. Now I just dont care and if I feel like my nuts are bursting I simple go to a website and jack off for people to see.
I hate it but I love it.
When my wife does get horny enough usually after 3 months she will get drunk and have sex with me. I still want her but its not the same I am constantly going through my mind that she really doesnt want this if she has to get drunk to do it.
So now I say no and told her that if she wants this to work it has to be that she wants me and not because of alcohol. She agrees and the drought has begun again. She always wears these sexy revealing outfits around the house and then leave me standing.
I have now started more frequently going to the jack and show sites and look forward to it now in some ways. I simply cannot bring myself to sleep with another woman even though they have offered.
I am now told that I cheated on my wife more than she did me by my porn episodes. This really makes me angry and I now have gone back to being silent.
I am not sure if I should waste any more time looking for forgiveness or a free committed relationship with my wife anymore as she daily constantly reminds me that I am incapable of satisfying her need for a man who is financially sound physically fit and can know her every need by the spirit and not by asking.
I really feel trapped and can see no way out.
I am really trying to deal with this so my children do not have to. Not sure its worth it, they witness too much anger and resentment between us. ARRRRHG!!!
I breaks my heart to read these things. It almost gives me no hope that my husband will change. So many people hear the same promises that I heard yesterday, only to have them broken continually. I never really had a problem with porn in general. I think my generation has tried to make it "okay" or "completely normal" to watch porn. So many of our friends talk about it openly, and therefore I think I became desensitized to it. It's only recently that I'm realizing the frequency of my husbands porn usage and the effect it is having on our life together. He used to tell me he was going to start going to work earlier so he can get home earlier, but he spent too much time watching porn in the mornings while I was sleeping and didn't make it into work early. When he got home and we were supposed to be spending time together, he would sit on the couch right beside me and watch porn on his phone, thinking that I didn't notice. This weekend I looked though his phone to confirm what I already knew. But I wanted to see just how much of the time that he was spending on his phone (which was A LOT) was time that he was looking at porn. It was almost all that was in his search history. I was so disturbed by the searches that I saw. They included infidelity porn, cheating stories, incest porn, animal porn, lesbian porn, group sex..I saw message boards on what is apparently a very disgusting site where he participated in things like rate my girlfriend, etc. The list goes on. I felt so hurt and disgusted and don't know how I can trust him again. He's a software developer and knows technology and the internet very well. I'm afraid that I'll always wonder if he's just covering his tracks better.
This is way too common. I don't trust my husband anymore. We've been married for nearly 35 years, and I'm thinking of leaving because I know things will never change. I have problems with depression and I don't need this in my life.
Porn is a billion dollar industry and we have all been brainwashed into thinking it's okay. It's not. It causes a lot of pain to the partners who are passed over for affection in preference of porn.
I could not have said it better....
All true. Mine replaced me with internet porn... I was right there by his side and he intentionally betrayed me... until he was caught. It's obvious our marriage was unimportant to him. Bastard....
Reading all these responses helps me to feel that al least I'm not alone. My b/f of 3 1/2 years has a serious addiction to porn that is destroying our relationship. We will go months w/o sex, but he doesn't go more than 3-5 days w/o porn and taking care of himself. It goes as far as him literally stopping at a gas station yesterday to run into a bathroom to watch porn and take care of his "business". I've caught him (after I've gone to bed or come back home) more times than I can count! Found used rags stuffed in cabinets, drawers; used napkins in his truck/car. He knows it hurts me and makes me feel worthless and degraded but he's made no effort to STOP. He goes out of his way to watch porn and j/o, but makes zero effort with me. Not only have I been replaced by porn but also his "mighty mouth" sex toy. I have a very high sex drive and could do it every day, so that's not an issue or an excuse as to why he is doing it all by himself w/o ever at least TRYING with me. I feel he is being selfish and lazy by his actions and I'm at my wits end. I've never in my life felt so depressed and ashamed for not being "good" enough or looking like his porn girls and obviously not being able to arouse him (yes I'm sure he watches porn before ever approaching me for sex). Someone mentioned God and I'd like to add that he preaches the Word to others; telling them what is right and wrong in our Fathers eyes. So he DOES know better but chooses to sin the same sin over and over. I also know this has been a life long issue with him starting with magazines, moving to movies and now of course it's easy as 1 2 3 w a cell phone. He makes up excuses for his actions to justify his sin. I cringe every time I hear him preach because I KNOW what goes on behind closed doors--I know more than he thinks. I know it's an every 3-5 day event (in the very least) for him (while we go months w/o sex). I love this man very much-I try and look past his flaws but this "flaw" is slowly destroying and eating away at me. I want nothing more to marry him but know I cannot until he can seek help or TRULY give this sin to Him. I could never have a marriage w/o ANY intimacy or connection with lies and deceit. Even when we do sleep together the intimacy and connection is missing-it's just like you see in a porn-no foreplay, no gentleness, usually no real affection....and he cannot climax with me from penetration. I used to believe it was ALL me but at least I know now it's in part due to his brain being wired for porn and only being able to get himself off. The first year together was like a slap in the face because he was the first man for this to happen with. I thought it was because of his MANY partners he had and I wasn't measuring up to them. It really messed with my head but now it messes with my heart! And I am NO pude in the bedroom, but I do find myself holding back out of resentment and being self conscious about what he's viewing online and how I look. I'm often approached by men whether it be in person or social media and don't think it hasn't crossed my mind that I could sleep with them and it probably would never affect him nor would he care (since we have no relations). But obviously I am more loyal than he. I actually delete men when they cross the line on social media whereas my b/f carries on lengthy convo's with other women online; often telling them how beautiful they are, etc. (did I mention he not only kicked me off his social media as "friend" but also has me BLOCKED because I was upset with a comment he left for another woman & he doesn't want me seeing any messages he leaves even on a public post. AND he deleted a pic of the two of us he had on his profile. Yes, he looks very single to his social media world and I'm sure that's on purpose). Does this all go hand in hand? I see him scrolling thru women's profiles and friend requesting them--he has way more females than males....anyone else dealing with this? I pray and pray he will see the light and stop this destructive behavior. See that it's destroying me and this relationship; that he will see my worth and know I am more important than 5-10 mn's of delusional degrading pleasure...that if he put half as much effort into me and this relationship, he would see a change in me and in us. The quiet moments I have checking my emotions because I KNOW what he's done while I was away, in the shower, outside or asleep. The sadness I'm sure will leave my eyes if I know we can build on love with TRUST behind it if ONLY he can seek help and leave this lifestyle behind. I can't picture my life w/o this man, but I also cannot see this as my life forever...things either change or sadly I need to walk away....I know there is someone out there who will think I am enough and won't go outside and lust after other women; virtually or in person, but I'm holding out hope that he will change.
My husband and I have known each other since we were 14. He was my first love. He says I was his but that's where things get complicated. There was another girl he was infatuated with and this has been a common thing in our relationship. I can always tell when something is up, I can feel it in my gut. My husband im sure has an addiction to porn. I found tons on his phone history after a video ended up downloaded in our photo library. I did snoop around, and one day in his truck I found a portable dvd player and over 100 porn dvds. I caught him trying to pick up a girl at home depot ...and ended up realizing that he made a habit of flirting with other women. He told one women he loved her. When I confronted him he said he was just talking crap to her. He apologized to me , because I couldn't stop crying . But when he isn't looking at porn , he will look at images of women on the internet. Pinterest gave him up. Anyway it's been an uphill battle. There was a time he made excuses about having sex with me because he physically couldnt. Now after I have confronted him about the women, the porn, the photos, he makes it a point for us to have sex. Especially when he realizes I'm on to him. It hurts because he isn't affectionate to me, sometimes cold and then it's he wants sex. And it's sex. No kissing, no foreplay, just get him going and then it takes forever for him to ejaculate, if he even can. I work around alot of women, he will come to my work and say he is just coming by to see me. But truth is he is there for visual aid. He is once again infatuated with someone else. I don't want him coming to my work because I'm so afraid someone will catch on . I have no one to talk to about this , I'm tired . Last night he thought I was asleep. And he started masturbating. I rolled over and he quickly put himself away and said what? Maybe this isn't a big deal in other marriages but I'm so tired of living with a man who swears he loves me but has to fantasize about other women all the time. And I can tell he has done this when we have had sex. He always tells me I think too much, even when he has been caught red handed he lies. I just avoid trying to talk to him about it. I'm so depressed and hurt. Sadly , I don't feel what I should when he says he loves me.