Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
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Shhh! Here's a topic nobody's comfortable talking about. But it's a reality for a lot of men and their partners. Women ask me all the time for help dealing with a husband who’s watching porn and masturbating.
This very uncomfortable topic plagues many couples. And for every one couple who admits there’s a problem, there are many more who are struggling with it privately.
Unfortunately, for those couples who don’t seek help, masturbating while watching porn will most likely cause a number of problems within the relationship. And no amount of time or avoiding will make the problem any less uncomfortable to discuss?
So, how do you handle this kind of embarrassing problem?
What can a wife really do when her husband’s watching porn and masturbating?
First, you need to realize you’re far from alone in this uncomfortable situation and find some comfort in that fact.
Porn has become so easily available and normalized by our society that it’s a regular part of many people’s lives these days.
Second, know that your situation isn’t hopeless.
There are ways to help your husband see how unhealthy a porn addiction is and begin to address it. Not to mention how painful it is to you as his wife.
Many men don’t really understand the damage their porn habit does to their wives and how it can destroy their marriage over time.
In fact, most men consider porn a harmless habit and acceptable way to relieve stress. The fact that it’s damaging the intimacy in their marriage, devaluing their relationship, and humiliating to their wives doesn’t occur to them.
Below is an email from a woman with a husband watching porn and masturbating. She's trying to understand what's going on with him and how to make it stop, but he won't talk about it.
I've been married for almost 4 years now and my husband's watching porn and masturbating every time I left my house. As far as I know, he's stopped. Now he's saving photos of women on his computer in the same folder as the photos of myself that I took just for him. I've asked him to stop, he ignores the question and doesn't talk about it. My question is how do I get him to open up and talk about this because it is hurting me deeply." -Janice
Can you relate to her (or him)?
In addition to the devaluing of the intimacy in your relationship, your husband’s habit of masturbating to porn can cause further problems in your marriage. Among them are,
It's important to remember that not everyone who watches pornography or masturbates will experience these problems.
Make him stop? No.
Work with him to end what’s likely to have become an addiction? Probably, but you’ll need some help.
So, Janice wants to know how to get her husband to open up and talk about masturbating and viewing porn, and why he should stop.
Hmmm...good luck!
Actually, it is possible, but it’s not easy and she’ll most likely need some help from a knowledgeable counselor.
Many of us have a very difficult time discussing uncomfortable topics, even with our spouse.
You know, things like how we each spend money, overeating and weight, or sex.
Most couples can't talk about these issues effectively or without it turning into a big fight. Of course, arguing and fighting are no way to communicate about tough topics and find solutions that work.
As a result, we often just ignore those topics and avoid talking about them. And porn and masturbation are probably at the top of the uncomfortable topic list for almost everybody.
If Janice and her husband can't talk about tough subjects, how are they ever going to talk about one of the most difficult?
My advice - start small.
Janice needs to begin by starting to talk to her husband about the 'small' hard stuff, get some practice doing that before she tries to tackle the 'big' hard stuff.
It’s also very likely that Janice and her husband have some underlying trust issues as well. Many couples dealing with porn addiction do.
But by starting small and practicing communicating about the 'small' hard stuff, Janice and her husband can rebuild some trust that will help them tackle the 'bigger' hard stuff.
A good place for them to start small would be to discuss how she feels about the pictures she took for him and how he uses them.
Unfortunately for Janice, there's just not a quick and easy formula to deal with this. And sadly, most men who claim to have stopped initially have actually just gotten better at hiding it.
Porn is too available and too addictive for many men to just stop on their own, even when they finally realize how it’s hurting their wives.
So, despite what Janice wants to think, my guess is that he hasn't stopped watching porn – no matter how much she wants to believe that he has.
If you've got a husband watching porn and masturbating, start 'small' too. Obviously, it takes a lot more than this to solve the problem, but it's a great strategy to use to begin to make some progress communicating.
And being able to communicate is the first place most of couples get stuck.
Remember,
And lastly, remember that as overwhelming as the topic of porn and masturbation may feel, it is possible to address it and change it.
Editor’s note: This post was originally published December 14, 2013 and was updated June 30, 2020 and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
Wondering if Porn Is Cheating? Find out what psychology experts say about whether Porn Is Cheating.
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I have been scouring the Internet for years trying to find out why my husband watches porn ( and masturbates) everyday, multiple times a day. I have tried yelling, negotiating, threats, ignoring it, everything.
Nothing has worked. I am so worried about him becoming some weird old guy that stares at my daughter's friends. He already stares at all women that are even remotely attractive now.
I can't figure out what to do. I am at a loss. I love him dearly- he's a wonderful husband, aside from this issue. He does have addiction issues. He has overcome drug addiction. Why can't I get across to him that this is his replacement drug?
We have gone months without sex over the past 1 1/2 years. I've watched the decline and every single thing I've read that will happen - has happened. The only thing left is acting out. How do I stop the inevitable?
Jennifer, Porn addiction is really tricky and most men don't realize they are addicted, or what the side effects are. Most men need professional help to recover from this, but like any addiction, he has to want help for himself, you can't make him get it. -Kurt
I've been with my boyfriend for 7 to 8 years now. He likes to dress. Up like a woman .( clothes. Shoes .thighhighs. Nails . and wigs. And has me do the makeup. Then once he is dressed. I become invisible to him. Is been two years. Since I've had sex or been touched
Of any kind . no kissing at all . cuddleing me. He gets very pissed if I. Say anything about sex. He has his toy that (follows. Him. Around and has his. Back.
How am I as a woman. SuppOSED TO NOT FEEL like there is something wrong with me?
It's heartbreaking to read some of the wives' comments on this forum. I don't think most men realize how destructive porn addiction is to their wives or girlfriends. I'm left wondering why some men turn to porn when they have loving wives willing to meet their sexual and emotional needs. I was introduced to porn as a young boy in the form of magazines. It was exhilarating and yet I was overwhelmed with guilt. I attended Catholic school and was told masturbation was one of the worst of all sins. At 14 I found myself torn with guilt and in awe of the female body. I was born with an eye defect and had to wear thick glasses. My aunts would always go crazy over my brothers and say how handsome they were but would kiss me hello but say nothing about me. This began my life of rejection and living in a fantasy world of escape. Back in my day porn came through someone's magazine stash. All my friends looked at magazines. When I was in college I got contacts and met a beautiful girl. For the first time I felt accepted. Just before graduating I lost my virginity with her. She moved away and married someone else. I tried to find someone like her but never could. I looked at porn movies in my 20s. I became a Christian and stopped using porn. I got married late in life (40) to a woman 5 years younger. She had two kids from a previous marriage. We didn't take a honeymoon as she could not leave her young children. The marriage began well but eventually got bad. She grew to hate me. Her ex- was a deadbeat dad and we had too many expenses. She had to go to work and held that against me - if she had to work I wasn't going to get sex. Her daughter danced in strip clubs and left sexy lingerie around our house. That eventually drew me back into porn after 25 years. It was a 2 year struggle. I confessed to my wife. She had often told me to get a girlfriend because she wouldn't sleep with me. As a Christian I could not have sex outside marriage and I worked with men to overcome porn. My wife and I have slept in different rooms for 17 years. We have had sex once since 2013. She has told me she hates foreplay and how I try to please her orally and she hates me touching her. She undresses in front of me but if I look at her body she gets mad and calls me a pervert. I am 60 and am struggling with ED because of prostate enlargement. I can never ask my wife for sex because of all the rejection over the years. I do know that when I turned to porn it was because I was lonely, felt rejected, felt ugly, was frustrated or tired or bored or stressed out with life. My wife and I share no physical, emotional or spiritual oneness. We are so far apart. I can't go back to porn. It is dehumanizing- to me as a user and to women. I hope men out there see how destructive it is. Porn is cancerous to the soul, to relationships and to true manhood and womanhood. I hope the wives will know that this problem is not with their physical attractiveness; it is a problem with your husband's heart, his own sense of self and any number of triggers which causes him to flee to his computer monitor for comfort and escape.
Kayla, most likely because he's bored and watching porn has made him want something new. When I ask all my close guy friends why they cheat on their women they tell me that it's not ever emotional. It's only sexual woman. And that it's not cheating because there isn't any emotion involved. And that they just get bored and tired of having sex with the same woman. They love their wives but just want more. Stupid how they think but it's just how mens' brains work. Seriously selfish and greedy. Lets turn the tables around and see if they could handle being in the same situation? You deserve more dear. I truly understand how it makes you feel.
I work and my husband has been at home unemployed for 1.3 months due to oilfield layoffs. I believe this has been going on for many years but he lies about it all the time. Nothing is getting done at home when I am at work. I find sites in the history on the computer. I am certainly available to have sex but he sleeps on the couch until I am sleeping and than comes to bed in the middle of the night. Lately, I just stay on the couch until he comes to bed now...it is so frustrating for me and I am just getting more and more angry at him which doesn't make things better. I have no idea how to do this anymore......help. When I ask questions as if I don't know what I am talking about, which is even more insulting to me. I know he has stuff on the internet saved with passwords so I can't find it. I personally think he is very sick and disgusting.
Connie, He may not realize that he is addicted to porn and most men need to hear that from a professional like myself. Like any addiction, however, he will have to want the help. You can try going to a professional counselor. Even if he won't go with you at first, in my experience, once one spouse goes, the other one will want to as well. -Kurt
Been with hubby fur 4 yr's - we are in our early 60's (young 60's) our relationship was great only about 5 months into our relationship. Said he was tired and wanted to have a nap before going out to dance. Went in the bedroom to wake him and guess what? In our bed. I lii oh st it. It was like walking in on his
In bed with another women. He tried to say it was nothing and no problem he dissent need to watch it. Fast toward 3 plus years it's been on and off without me knowing. He's an angry man and has treated me like a door mat. I caught him 45 days ago once again. He gave me his ph and has not been on it. He admired it was out of control. Says just he knows it effects his heron he will never go back. But couldn't turn me? I'm so angry I want to leave. Lori
Married 7 yrs. Husband gets up to watch porm and masturbate
Told me after 1yr I wasn't attractive to him mostly I think because I don't want to work full time any more and I'm just "using" him. Was never "allowed " to say I love you on phone or even in person. He deemed it ridiculous. I am 64 yrs old. I also think he compares me to his 1st wife who dumped him. Now I know why. Bottom line I am lonely and sad