Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
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Contents
Shhh! Here's a topic nobody's comfortable talking about. But it's a reality for a lot of men and their partners. Women ask me all the time for help dealing with a husband who’s watching porn and masturbating.
This very uncomfortable topic plagues many couples. And for every one couple who admits there’s a problem, there are many more who are struggling with it privately.
Unfortunately, for those couples who don’t seek help, masturbating while watching porn will most likely cause a number of problems within the relationship. And no amount of time or avoiding will make the problem any less uncomfortable to discuss?
So, how do you handle this kind of embarrassing problem?
What can a wife really do when her husband’s watching porn and masturbating?
First, you need to realize you’re far from alone in this uncomfortable situation and find some comfort in that fact.
Porn has become so easily available and normalized by our society that it’s a regular part of many people’s lives these days.
Second, know that your situation isn’t hopeless.
There are ways to help your husband see how unhealthy a porn addiction is and begin to address it. Not to mention how painful it is to you as his wife.
Many men don’t really understand the damage their porn habit does to their wives and how it can destroy their marriage over time.
In fact, most men consider porn a harmless habit and acceptable way to relieve stress. The fact that it’s damaging the intimacy in their marriage, devaluing their relationship, and humiliating to their wives doesn’t occur to them.
Below is an email from a woman with a husband watching porn and masturbating. She's trying to understand what's going on with him and how to make it stop, but he won't talk about it.
I've been married for almost 4 years now and my husband's watching porn and masturbating every time I left my house. As far as I know, he's stopped. Now he's saving photos of women on his computer in the same folder as the photos of myself that I took just for him. I've asked him to stop, he ignores the question and doesn't talk about it. My question is how do I get him to open up and talk about this because it is hurting me deeply." -Janice
Can you relate to her (or him)?
In addition to the devaluing of the intimacy in your relationship, your husband’s habit of masturbating to porn can cause further problems in your marriage. Among them are,
It's important to remember that not everyone who watches pornography or masturbates will experience these problems.
Make him stop? No.
Work with him to end what’s likely to have become an addiction? Probably, but you’ll need some help.
So, Janice wants to know how to get her husband to open up and talk about masturbating and viewing porn, and why he should stop.
Hmmm...good luck!
Actually, it is possible, but it’s not easy and she’ll most likely need some help from a knowledgeable counselor.
Many of us have a very difficult time discussing uncomfortable topics, even with our spouse.
You know, things like how we each spend money, overeating and weight, or sex.
Most couples can't talk about these issues effectively or without it turning into a big fight. Of course, arguing and fighting are no way to communicate about tough topics and find solutions that work.
As a result, we often just ignore those topics and avoid talking about them. And porn and masturbation are probably at the top of the uncomfortable topic list for almost everybody.
If Janice and her husband can't talk about tough subjects, how are they ever going to talk about one of the most difficult?
My advice - start small.
Janice needs to begin by starting to talk to her husband about the 'small' hard stuff, get some practice doing that before she tries to tackle the 'big' hard stuff.
It’s also very likely that Janice and her husband have some underlying trust issues as well. Many couples dealing with porn addiction do.
But by starting small and practicing communicating about the 'small' hard stuff, Janice and her husband can rebuild some trust that will help them tackle the 'bigger' hard stuff.
A good place for them to start small would be to discuss how she feels about the pictures she took for him and how he uses them.
Unfortunately for Janice, there's just not a quick and easy formula to deal with this. And sadly, most men who claim to have stopped initially have actually just gotten better at hiding it.
Porn is too available and too addictive for many men to just stop on their own, even when they finally realize how it’s hurting their wives.
So, despite what Janice wants to think, my guess is that he hasn't stopped watching porn – no matter how much she wants to believe that he has.
If you've got a husband watching porn and masturbating, start 'small' too. Obviously, it takes a lot more than this to solve the problem, but it's a great strategy to use to begin to make some progress communicating.
And being able to communicate is the first place most of couples get stuck.
Remember,
And lastly, remember that as overwhelming as the topic of porn and masturbation may feel, it is possible to address it and change it.
Editor’s note: This post was originally published December 14, 2013 and was updated June 30, 2020 and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
Wondering if Porn Is Cheating? Find out what psychology experts say about whether Porn Is Cheating.
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Great article Kurt, interesting read, but to be honest, a large part of the time I masturbate b/c my wife isn't available to me? Perhaps it's early/late, maybe it's her time of the month, or whatever the reason, there have been issue's w/ rejection in our relationship, and masturbating has been not only a stress-reliever, but a replacement for, all the times I've heard 'no'. I'm tired of being rejected over and over, I hardly ever ask for sex anymore, she has to initiate most of the time now. I 'get' that she may be tired of being asked constantly, but isn't that the better option than this? Reading an internet forum trying to figure out why your spouse is leaving the relationship sexually?
It's not that my wife isn't attractive, I think she's amazing, even naked, over 40, w/ 3 kids! She looks better than when we married, and I tell her that all the time! I'm tired of being told 'no'.
Whatever the reasons (on both sides), at this point it's resentment and disappointment, and fear of pain (of rejection), that makes me say "To heck with it", and instead of rubbing her shoulders hoping I don't get turned down, I'll just take care of it myself. Sex with my wife is great, but with the pain and feelings that accompany the constant rejection, it's not a hard decision - it's truly self preservation! I can't take the rejection any more. It hurts me emotionally (as does finding out I'm masturbating to porn, gee, chicken or the egg here?)
The points made in another article you wrote about "why" men get addicted was spot-on in parts. A movie called "Don Jon" also delves into the issue deliciously - The women are not grossed out by what you want, they're actually turned on (of course it's acting, but it's effective!), you can escape to a world where you're not told you're a 'disgusting pervert' and for a few moments can indulge a fantasy... Gee, wouldn't it be nice if you could request and experience something like that with your life-partner? Your relationship probably isn't that comfortable either if you're reading this) Great scene from that movie where the actor talks about this issue, he totally nails it.
Yes, the variety of things is a factor for some males too, it's an outlet for that, but it's also a feeling of being accepted as-is, not criticized, not made to feel weird for wanting to try something (wouldn't it feel good if... lets try it!). We've been together nearly 20-years, we only have sex in 2-positions, and don't even do a quarter of the fun things we used to do, nevermind trying something new!?!?!
I'm not trying to blame my wife for my problems with porn, rather show how it takes 2 to tango? There's always 2 sides to every story, and refusing to admit your part in it, is decidedly un-helpful. That's not meant to spread blame around, rather cause one to ask what one's role is. You can't take an issue that revolves around 2 people and blame it on 1 of them, reality just doesn't work that way? My issue's w/ porn may be my own, but you need to get to the real reasons driving the behavior, and often times that's uncomfortable. For both parties. I've asked many times to make our own movies for my use, and that's also been rejected. Instead I'm expected to simply not have the sex-drive I've always had, I'm expected to match her level, and be contented with that. As if a rich woman will happily marry a pauper without conflict? Really? Why is that expectation there when sex drives and lives are so disparate?
Kevin, Thanks for sharing your story and insights. I appreciate your depth of thought. "I'm not trying to blame my wife for my problems with porn, rather show how it takes 2 to tango? There's always 2 sides to every story, and refusing to admit your part in it, is decidedly un-helpful." I agree with you, but keep in mind that her wrong behavior does not justify yours. Another thing to consider is what underlies your sex problem, a lack of respect and love in your relationship. That's where the real problems lies. With that corrected I imagine the sex would improve too. Don't look past the deeper issues here. -Kurt
I agree Kurt, as I said, my problems are my own, and I'm not looking to spread the blame around. Rather, people coming here looking for answer's and advice would be well served to ask what their role in the problem is? Too often today, people are looking for an excuse, an easy-out, and this topic quite frequently, has the blame thrust upon one person, completely ignoring the fact that healthy sexual relations require 2 participants... It's not an individual sport (errr... that's what we're all here complaining about, isn't it?)
That's not to excuse, allow, or make things acceptable, by any stretch. Just as the wife who hen-peck's her husband, can't understand why the alcoholic hits the bar for a few hours after work every day... She surely isn't responsible for his substance abuse issue's, but is she a contributing factor? Dunno, but if the kids were screaming, the house a mess, wife bitching, and I had to find my own dinner every night...? You're darn skippy I'd take the long-way home!
As you point out however, NONE of this is an excuse to avoid discussing or probing the reasons that cause the behaviour. Sticking your head in the sand and ignoring it doesn't make it go away, and doesn't solve the issue. It prolongs the problem, and causes hurt feelings and deeper issue's to fester from not dealing with it. Then you end up w/ a whole slew of issue's all connected to one matter that was never effectively dealt with in the first place.
Personally I think there's a lot of issue's underlying my masturbation, none of it as 'deep' as it's made out to be. That's why I referenced that "Don Jon" Movie earlier, the actor/director really captures it when he turns to the camera and talks to the audience. It's stress relief (that I learned when I was a teen hating my life at home... it's a part of the toolbox at this point), it feels good, and while I acknowledge it's all fake and acting, "Magic Mike" had a fine debut and made a kajillion dollars for some strange reason... let's stop calling the kettle black, M'kay?
An escape to fantasy is normal and healthy. Women read trashy romance novels for the same reason's men watch porn. However when that escape creates issue's in reality, whether it's drugs/alcohol, romance/porn, or any other interpersonal matter, it's incumbent for adults to step up to the plate and handle it like adults. That means delving into uncomfortable topics, and having hard conversations. With yourself and your partner. Sex isn't supposed to be a 1-person affair, that's the whole point to this topic! Stop pretending the blame is entirely 1-sided, and acknowledge your participation in the matter (I didn't say accept the blame, I said examine your role). Too often in relationship advice, and this matter in particular, is it presented as 1-person is wrong and the other is right, instead of the grey, muddy, complicated mess that it is.
There is no simple fix for this type of issue (and psychological matters in general). My wife banging me more, or in kinkier positions, isn't going to fix it instantly. However is shutting me out and reducing our bedroom interactions helping or hurting the situation? That's the point I'd like to make. It's hard to do, no-one wants to admit they're at fault, as it feels like accepting the blame, and that's definitely not the idea here. As in any interpersonal situation, look at your own actions, and re-actions, and ask if those contribute to, or help ammend the problem you're confronted with. Don't cop-out and take the easy road and say it's the other-person's problem. Relationships take 2-people, so every matter is going to have a minimum of 2 viewpoints. Discounting and marginalizing either one, is a recipe for failure, no matter the topic.
I think Kevin hits the nail on the head with this topic! It made me more at ease with this explanation. Thank You!
This post really bothers me. I am an attractive woman who has never had an issue with sex, being sexual or enjoying sex. Only since I've been in this 5 year relationship with this one person who masturbates to porn every single day did I start to notice the decline in my sexual self. This process took time, as well. I didnt lose my self esteem overnight or the very first time I saw porn on his phone. It took about 4 years. This last year, I have noticed the effect on me directly. So, " shutting him out in the bedroom" is certainly not fixing the issue but why is it so easy for you to discount the end result - problems in the bedroom. " Dont cop out" - isn't that exactly what you are doing by making that statement? Sounds like blaming the result - instead of the reason to me. It's a slap in the face for me. I've tried everything and ALWAYS end up giving in, caving, keeping quiet to save face in the household and avoid conflict. I have looked in the mirror and evaluated myself and my role many times- when does he have to do the same?
I see some of Kevin's points, but as a wife of someone that constantly lies about his porn habits, I cannot take any responsibility for the reason for his issue. I try my hardest to be available to him, try new things, toys, outfits, and I still find that it's not good enough. Doesn't matter.
Robyn- you're right, you can't take responsibility for your husband's porn addiction. In fact even if you denied him any intimacy he would still have to own up to his problem. I've talked to lots of guys and I've heard the testimony of even more guys who were exposed to porn at an early age and went from thinking they could control their use of porn to becoming completely enslaved to it. You've probably come across the terms HALT or BLASTed that list out most common triggers in men to act out - hungry lonely angry anxious tired bored sick stressed out etc. in my own experience all of these were triggers. My wife's rejection and constant belittling me and shredding my sense of self worth and manhood drove me to more madturbation than when I was a single man who was celibate for a decade. But you make yourself available to your husband and want closeness and he still chooses a cheap substitute. I'm saddened for you and your marriage. Know that this addition is powerful. Porn changes brain activity and it affects brain neurotransmitters. It's probably more addictive than booze or crack. I fought a battle and I was drawn back in after two decades of sobriety because my stepdaughter left her sexy lingerie in our laundry room. She started dancing at 18 and quit at 28. Our laundry room looked like Victoria secret store. In 20 yrs of being married my wife wore lingerie for me 5 or 6 times. I begged for closeness. 17 years ago she moved into our guest bedroom. She would sleep with me 1 or 2 times a year and only when she said when. Last time was in 2013 and I'm resigned to never having sex again. She goes out for drinks with her daughter, now 29, who is beautiful and my wife at 55 still is a size 4 n looks 35. Men notice her. I would compliment my wife on her figure and she said I was drooling over her like a steak. I cannot blame my porn use on my marriage or because my wife has told me I'm not attractive enough and I don't make enough money to manage house hold finances. I have to fight bitterness and jealousy for men who have robust romances with their wives. Bottom line is I chose to look at porn to soothe a crushed ego. My wife would wear skimpy panties in front of me and not let me touch her but I turned on the computer. So Robyn it is your husband not you that needs to step up to the plate and own his problems. Please look in your area for men support groups and counsellors that deal w sexual brokenness and addiction. He can't win this fight alone. You should also find a woman support group in person (better) or on the internet. You need someone to help u too. Not knowing all the facts I will pray for u both. Also know that porn strips a man of his sense of manhood and power. Guys might deny this but long term porn destroys a man from inside out. Best to u in this hard painful ordeal.
I read these and see my life in print....I'm living with my bf who hasn't touched me in weeks...he will Jack it while I'm in the shower or tell me the dog needs walking so he can rub a quick one before work...I've never said no to him..however the lack of sex in our life is becoming a real problem... I feel like we are roommate after living together less then three month..I love him so ith all my heart but can't vision myself in 20 years never being touched
Dawn, Porn addiction is really difficult to deal with. Most men don't realize they even have an addiction, and almost always will need professional help from a counselor like me who specializes in porn addiction - not just to stop, but to realize it's an addiction. -Kurt
my problem isn't with the masturbation. i don't like walking in on him. I've asked him to stop, because i already have body image issues and i feel like he is comparing my body with the women in the videos. I'm depressed and i feel like he is putting his own gratification before our relationship. (and for anyone who says we dont have sex enough..we had sex two days prior to the latest incident) and i don't often shoot him down, this time i told him i'd like a shower first..and he was like no thats ok we will try again later..i went to his mothers house and came back to him with his pants down. luckily my kids were behind me and didn't see, i just closed the door and felt like crying. the biggest problem is he doesn't see how much it hurts me. i dont look like the girls that he looks at, he tells me i'm the one he wants but i dont think i am..
Kevin - I am totally with you on this one. The incredibly sanctimonious tone of the "experts" on this totally misses the mark for many of us that so desperately wanted a deeply fulfilling and intimate sexual relationship with our wives and found that wasn't possible.
And so ... after talking, crying, fighting, and counseling that didn't work we made the "mistake" of taking matters into our own hand instead of leaving the marriage.
Incredible to think that our great sin was wanting to stick around and find a way to make things work sexually and to somehow accept the sexual rejection.
Fast-foward things a few years, a few kids, mounting resentments and sure enough we are the problems. We are the sex addicts. We are the ones who get heaped with blame and shame. And our spouses are the "victims" of our unthinkable actions.
I hardly think that I was perfect over the years and there were many things I wish I had done differently. But it really does take two to tango and absent an honesty and real willingness to confront a husbands sexual frustrations, it doesn't feel quite right to come down so hard on husbands that end up in these situations.