Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
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Shhh! Here's a topic nobody's comfortable talking about. But it's a reality for a lot of men and their partners. Women ask me all the time for help dealing with a husband who’s watching porn and masturbating.
This very uncomfortable topic plagues many couples. And for every one couple who admits there’s a problem, there are many more who are struggling with it privately.
Unfortunately, for those couples who don’t seek help, masturbating while watching porn will most likely cause a number of problems within the relationship. And no amount of time or avoiding will make the problem any less uncomfortable to discuss?
So, how do you handle this kind of embarrassing problem?
What can a wife really do when her husband’s watching porn and masturbating?
First, you need to realize you’re far from alone in this uncomfortable situation and find some comfort in that fact.
Porn has become so easily available and normalized by our society that it’s a regular part of many people’s lives these days.
Second, know that your situation isn’t hopeless.
There are ways to help your husband see how unhealthy a porn addiction is and begin to address it. Not to mention how painful it is to you as his wife.
Many men don’t really understand the damage their porn habit does to their wives and how it can destroy their marriage over time.
In fact, most men consider porn a harmless habit and acceptable way to relieve stress. The fact that it’s damaging the intimacy in their marriage, devaluing their relationship, and humiliating to their wives doesn’t occur to them.
Below is an email from a woman with a husband watching porn and masturbating. She's trying to understand what's going on with him and how to make it stop, but he won't talk about it.
I've been married for almost 4 years now and my husband's watching porn and masturbating every time I left my house. As far as I know, he's stopped. Now he's saving photos of women on his computer in the same folder as the photos of myself that I took just for him. I've asked him to stop, he ignores the question and doesn't talk about it. My question is how do I get him to open up and talk about this because it is hurting me deeply." -Janice
Can you relate to her (or him)?
In addition to the devaluing of the intimacy in your relationship, your husband’s habit of masturbating to porn can cause further problems in your marriage. Among them are,
It's important to remember that not everyone who watches pornography or masturbates will experience these problems.
Make him stop? No.
Work with him to end what’s likely to have become an addiction? Probably, but you’ll need some help.
So, Janice wants to know how to get her husband to open up and talk about masturbating and viewing porn, and why he should stop.
Hmmm...good luck!
Actually, it is possible, but it’s not easy and she’ll most likely need some help from a knowledgeable counselor.
Many of us have a very difficult time discussing uncomfortable topics, even with our spouse.
You know, things like how we each spend money, overeating and weight, or sex.
Most couples can't talk about these issues effectively or without it turning into a big fight. Of course, arguing and fighting are no way to communicate about tough topics and find solutions that work.
As a result, we often just ignore those topics and avoid talking about them. And porn and masturbation are probably at the top of the uncomfortable topic list for almost everybody.
If Janice and her husband can't talk about tough subjects, how are they ever going to talk about one of the most difficult?
My advice - start small.
Janice needs to begin by starting to talk to her husband about the 'small' hard stuff, get some practice doing that before she tries to tackle the 'big' hard stuff.
It’s also very likely that Janice and her husband have some underlying trust issues as well. Many couples dealing with porn addiction do.
But by starting small and practicing communicating about the 'small' hard stuff, Janice and her husband can rebuild some trust that will help them tackle the 'bigger' hard stuff.
A good place for them to start small would be to discuss how she feels about the pictures she took for him and how he uses them.
Unfortunately for Janice, there's just not a quick and easy formula to deal with this. And sadly, most men who claim to have stopped initially have actually just gotten better at hiding it.
Porn is too available and too addictive for many men to just stop on their own, even when they finally realize how it’s hurting their wives.
So, despite what Janice wants to think, my guess is that he hasn't stopped watching porn – no matter how much she wants to believe that he has.
If you've got a husband watching porn and masturbating, start 'small' too. Obviously, it takes a lot more than this to solve the problem, but it's a great strategy to use to begin to make some progress communicating.
And being able to communicate is the first place most of couples get stuck.
Remember,
And lastly, remember that as overwhelming as the topic of porn and masturbation may feel, it is possible to address it and change it.
Editor’s note: This post was originally published December 14, 2013 and was updated June 30, 2020 and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
Wondering if Porn Is Cheating? Find out what psychology experts say about whether Porn Is Cheating.
Breaking a porn addiction isn’t easy. Learn how to handle relapses here.
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I have the same problem with my husband , it has made me feel that I'm unattractive to him , he lies I'm so tired I know he has no interest on ever stopping. Oh yes he supposed to be into God ..
About three years into our marriage I pulled up a website that was bookmarked and there was a picture of a man with full erection. I am ashamed to admit I was shocked and felt like the floor had dropped out from under me. I don't think it would have been as shocking if it were women. I had suspected my husband of maybe being gay for various reasons, and I fell out of love with him. We went around and around about his sexuality and nothing was resolved. I eventually concluded he was curious and yesterday saw the same website on a dial up directory when I opened a new tab on the pc. But our relationship suffered, along with our sex life and has never been the same. It has been 6 years and we have gotten closer but have had sex only twice. There were problems in the beginning, and things weren't perfect. I was relieved to find this site. Thank you.
Amy, I'm glad you found this site too and appreciate you sharing your story. -Kurt
I have been watching open ever since I found out about it and I have recently gotten into a relationship with the love of my life and I hurt her by hiding the porn away from her and then promised I wouldn't do it again and then I did again I don't know why I just want to stop hurting her. Ever since then my girlfriend can't trust me anymore and so she can start believing me I agreed for her to put a block on my phone so she can dhe what I'm doing. And I'm jousting willing to do anything for her to trust me again she loves me a lot and I love her alot. We wantto spend the rest of our lives to together and it just hurts show much that I could do that to her and I just don't know why I did it or continued to do it I just love her with all my heart and soul I just need help
We started as friends with benefits for almost 3 yrs. Got pregnant he ended up moving in with me. Didn't know he is addicted to porn morning til night he said it relaxes him but I notice at times he'll look at porn before he has sex with me and turns me on my back. When we argue he tends to put me down. I try understanding him but I notice he doesn't care if I get sex or not. To him I'm just the mother of his sons. I threw it in his face but it seems to me hes a selfish because he only feels & wants it in his time & term. Please give me advice.
Vicki, Porn addiction can be really tricky. It’s best to see a professional counselor to help you because many guys won't hear the truth about porn until they hear it from an expert like me. They also often cannot stop watching porn without professional help too. -Kurt
I have been dealing with my husband watching porn & lying about it for probably ten years. When I discovered it, it absolutely broke my heart. I explained that to him & he apologized for it & said he'd never do it again. He said this every time I caught him from then on. I would ball my eyes out & almost be physically ill about it. I have to add that I was molested as a child by a very close family member. This wasn't something I talked about or acknowledged until I became a mother myself. Yes, I have had a lot of therapy for this. My husband has been supportive but I don't think he even remotely understands how this has affected my life. Therapy doesn't just make all of that childhood stuff go away or fix it. My point is that I am trying to get more tools for my toolbox. Anyway, he continued to do it & for awhile I just tried to ignore it. It still bothers me everyday. Fast forward to the present time. For the last few years he has been taking his phone into the bathroom & pretending to go #2 & watching it & masterbating(I know because I can see under the door). I have confronted him & he gets so defensive & angry. Now, the other day he did it while he thought I was in the shower & our 5year old daughter was just out in the living room, not 20 feet away. I confronted him about it & how I think it would be terrible for her to walk in & see this & it's like he just didn't get how sick it seems. He was more intent on being defensive than actually trying to listen to what I was saying. I am a pretty attractive girl & he knows guys check me out all the time. I am always more than willing to have sex with him whenever he wants. More often than not it seems like he is more interested in his needs though & that has been disappointing but Im trying to be more verbal about that. When there is a lull in our sex life, if I look at his phone sure enough there is recent porn on there. Like he has satisfied him self with that & doesn't care about my needs at all, mostly I need the emotional connection. What Im asking is Am I just crazy & over thinking all of this? I have tried for so long to get over it but it always comes back. I love my husband & I know he loves me but I am terrified that this is something that will never get fixed. Either I will be 50 years old hiding in the bathroom crying about it or I will have to leave. I would like to think that if he knew how much it really hurt me that he would just stop. How many years does he have to see it upset me & beat me down to stop?
Erin, "Am I just crazy & over thinking all of this?" No you're not. Your feelings sound pretty typical and normal. He sounds addicted and unable to stop on his own - pretty common, which is why it's going to take more than just seeing you upset. So my question for him and you is, if "i know he loves me" then why doesn't he get professional help to change his behavior? -Kurt
My partner and I both watch porn..he more than me and occasionally together. I get cranky when he watches and tries to hide and often just leaves a mess in our bed...it makes me feel like he has deliberately left it for me to see (we openly discuss masturbating and doing it together is part of our sex life), that it's my job to clean it up . I am possibly reading too much into it but it has caused many issues as I get very cranky at him. The guy is the best partner, friend, mate I have ever had and he says he just enjoys it and is keen for us to watch together but never pushes me and it's not all the time. Am I over reacting? I have no doubt he is loyal, honest, trustworthy and NOT cheating...it just sometimes makes me feel like I don't satisfy him and he just needs that edge or that something that maybe I'm not able to do. We have a very healthy sex life and are very much in love. I feel it's my little insecurities that are causing these issues for us as a couple?
Justine, I think you're putting too much of this on yourself. If "he watches and tries to hide" then how is "he is loyal, honest, trustworthy and NOT cheating"? Look at this as not just about porn, but also about how he loves and respects you. The mess in the bed isn't loving and respectful toward you. -Kurt