Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
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Shhh! Here's a topic nobody's comfortable talking about. But it's a reality for a lot of men and their partners. Women ask me all the time for help dealing with a husband who’s watching porn and masturbating.
This very uncomfortable topic plagues many couples. And for every one couple who admits there’s a problem, there are many more who are struggling with it privately.
Unfortunately, for those couples who don’t seek help, masturbating while watching porn will most likely cause a number of problems within the relationship. And no amount of time or avoiding will make the problem any less uncomfortable to discuss?
So, how do you handle this kind of embarrassing problem?
What can a wife really do when her husband’s watching porn and masturbating?
First, you need to realize you’re far from alone in this uncomfortable situation and find some comfort in that fact.
Porn has become so easily available and normalized by our society that it’s a regular part of many people’s lives these days.
Second, know that your situation isn’t hopeless.
There are ways to help your husband see how unhealthy a porn addiction is and begin to address it. Not to mention how painful it is to you as his wife.
Many men don’t really understand the damage their porn habit does to their wives and how it can destroy their marriage over time.
In fact, most men consider porn a harmless habit and acceptable way to relieve stress. The fact that it’s damaging the intimacy in their marriage, devaluing their relationship, and humiliating to their wives doesn’t occur to them.
Below is an email from a woman with a husband watching porn and masturbating. She's trying to understand what's going on with him and how to make it stop, but he won't talk about it.
I've been married for almost 4 years now and my husband's watching porn and masturbating every time I left my house. As far as I know, he's stopped. Now he's saving photos of women on his computer in the same folder as the photos of myself that I took just for him. I've asked him to stop, he ignores the question and doesn't talk about it. My question is how do I get him to open up and talk about this because it is hurting me deeply." -Janice
Can you relate to her (or him)?
In addition to the devaluing of the intimacy in your relationship, your husband’s habit of masturbating to porn can cause further problems in your marriage. Among them are,
It's important to remember that not everyone who watches pornography or masturbates will experience these problems.
Make him stop? No.
Work with him to end what’s likely to have become an addiction? Probably, but you’ll need some help.
So, Janice wants to know how to get her husband to open up and talk about masturbating and viewing porn, and why he should stop.
Hmmm...good luck!
Actually, it is possible, but it’s not easy and she’ll most likely need some help from a knowledgeable counselor.
Many of us have a very difficult time discussing uncomfortable topics, even with our spouse.
You know, things like how we each spend money, overeating and weight, or sex.
Most couples can't talk about these issues effectively or without it turning into a big fight. Of course, arguing and fighting are no way to communicate about tough topics and find solutions that work.
As a result, we often just ignore those topics and avoid talking about them. And porn and masturbation are probably at the top of the uncomfortable topic list for almost everybody.
If Janice and her husband can't talk about tough subjects, how are they ever going to talk about one of the most difficult?
My advice - start small.
Janice needs to begin by starting to talk to her husband about the 'small' hard stuff, get some practice doing that before she tries to tackle the 'big' hard stuff.
It’s also very likely that Janice and her husband have some underlying trust issues as well. Many couples dealing with porn addiction do.
But by starting small and practicing communicating about the 'small' hard stuff, Janice and her husband can rebuild some trust that will help them tackle the 'bigger' hard stuff.
A good place for them to start small would be to discuss how she feels about the pictures she took for him and how he uses them.
Unfortunately for Janice, there's just not a quick and easy formula to deal with this. And sadly, most men who claim to have stopped initially have actually just gotten better at hiding it.
Porn is too available and too addictive for many men to just stop on their own, even when they finally realize how it’s hurting their wives.
So, despite what Janice wants to think, my guess is that he hasn't stopped watching porn – no matter how much she wants to believe that he has.
If you've got a husband watching porn and masturbating, start 'small' too. Obviously, it takes a lot more than this to solve the problem, but it's a great strategy to use to begin to make some progress communicating.
And being able to communicate is the first place most of couples get stuck.
Remember,
And lastly, remember that as overwhelming as the topic of porn and masturbation may feel, it is possible to address it and change it.
Editor’s note: This post was originally published December 14, 2013 and was updated June 30, 2020 and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
Wondering if Porn Is Cheating? Find out what psychology experts say about whether Porn Is Cheating.
Breaking a porn addiction isn’t easy. Learn how to handle relapses here.
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Is this really a problem? Maybe husbands are masturbating to porn because they're not getting enough attention in the bedroom from their wife?
Ok, everyone is in a different situation so the reasons will be different for everyone. My wife has said she's uncomfortable with the idea of me masturbating to porn (I do it in private but do not evade the topic). I do it because my wife doesn't have sex with me anymore, she sleeps around with other guys (but that's a whole other issue). My point is, who cares if a guy masturbates to porn? There is probably an underlying cause that is much more important. So I agree with the author, they need to "tackle the 'bigger' hard stuff" but masturbation is a non-issue. I masturbate for the same reason my wife shops for shoes, I enjoy it and it relieves stress.
my wife and I are both addicted to porn but neither of us hide it we are just always masterbating and having long marathon sex. We love it. So what's the problem? if you like porn just find someone else that does. If you don't like porn then don't be with someone that does. Duh
Okay, so to add to your comment Rob...my husband and I watch porn and also mastaurbate in front of each other. We are very open about it because I was open about it to him. He used to hide the fact in the first couple of years in our marriage. I found porn sites on his phone and laptop. Emails from sex and dating sites that he had signed up for and even made profiles to find sexual partners. I never told him that I found those things because I knew he would get defensive and pull away emotionless. I only would ask in casual and curious want to know way..."so have you ever signed up for those sex or adult sites before? I'm kind of curious on how they work." He looked at me with big bright eyes and of course said "nope, never. Why would you be curious? They're just dating sites to find sex buddies." So let me fast forward to present day. So now my husband is watching porn and masturbating with his cyberskin sex toy almost everyday when I am there as well as when I am not. Back in the past we used to enjoy the toys together and pleasure each other and masturbate together and of course have sex. It was fun, exciting, and amazing. It's a completely different situation now. He will make love to his cyberskin while watching porn for hours on end and finish in front of me. We don't talk or lay next to each other. He doesn't even look at me or get turned on by me anymore. It's like I'm invisible. Dead would be a better term on how I feel. So my point is you're right. Find someone who im understands and like or accepts those intimate details about you. It would be marital bliss and it is in the beginning. But it'll soon get old and the porn will become an addiction that he/she will always need. Sad but true.
I am always ready and willing, even dress up.. I always am the initiater SO? Why would he rather watch that crap when I'm hot
Yes.... I have the same question. I was always available.. and enjoyed sex tremendously.
Yeah you think it's that easy huh. I asked my now husband THE first date we had if he likes that. He said heck no I'm not like that. I said good because I've had issues with that in the past. Im a Christian and that's considered cheating. Now I get blind sided. That's awesome let me tell you
a while ago, not sure if yo. Masterbating is not the problem. It's the porn use that usually hurts the spouse. There is no reason a man should choose to use porn as a replacement for lack of sex if he is married unless it's an understanding between the two. In other words, if your not having sex, porn will only worsen the problem. So if a man wants to watch porn in order to relax, that's fine too. But not if his wife isn't okay with it. If he watches when she's not okay with it- he's choosing porn over her. That means his means of relaxation is somehow more important than his wife?? There are many ways for a person to relax so it certainly shouldn't HAVE to be porn.not unless there are greater reasons for him to watch. Maybe a feeling of insecurity with women, feeling superior, feeling in control, feeling a need to see many women or fantasies that he's ashamed of and can't adnit to wife, and so on. Porn is actually offensive to many women. The reason is because women are, without question, being degraded in the videos. Much of the society is brainwashed to think its Normal, but you have to think about why you wouldn't want to see your daughter, mother, sister, in the porn industry. That same reason is why it's degrading in general. Dancing as a stripper is also degrading. Men will argue that it's all in fun, it's no harm, it's normal. The thing is, it's hurtful to women. So if its fun to watch women being degraded, we should ask why? Does it make you feel superior? I'm just making a general point not directed as you exactly.
Well said spot on
I really respect what Katrina said. Its spot on compared to the way i feel. I've been married for w0 years and have kept quiet about my husbands addiction. I feel as if our relationship is coming to an end. I thought the way i was feeling was wrong or something so i didn't try to help him stop. I now realize that im not alone in the way i feel and think about a porn addiction. I'll be be back to give you an update about how our (myself and husband). Little, big stuff. talk went. Thank you for the insight.
Wives and girlfriends get very turned off by their partners when they discover their betrayals. And our sex drive starts to die off. Men always want to blame someone or something else. I love having good healthy frequent sex but I lost all sexual attraction and it was replaced with utter disgust for my ex. Which is why after 11 times of dealing with his betrayal and incidelities with porn and sexting other girls, I ended it. Coz I miss having sex and I just couldn't face having sex with him anymore without feeling sick in my stomach.
As a man put your woman first and she will give you the world. Put her last or even second and she has no reason to put you first either.
I am 100% same as you! When I find out that my bf or husband is nanstrubating I feel nothing but disgust for him! If am able to I will look at the type of porn he is watching and it makes me sick! Literally don't want to look at him touch him, none of that! I get if it happened once a month or something I wouldn't be too mad. But some man have an addiction it's sick
Ok.... so your wife cut you off but is sexual with other men... I get why you're watching. My husband and I had an awesome and very consistent sex life for years. He was after me all the time, I was always interested in sex with him as I loved him and have a high libido. It was a match made in Heaven. He turned 68 4 years ago... and was slowing down. He went to his Dr who told him he had the beginning of ED. He became severely depressed, rarely had sex with me , and ended up trying to solve his problem watching porn and doing it behind my back. I caught him one afternoon, and went insane. It literally ruined our marriage, it destroyed our sex life, and although we're still together it did damage beyond belief. I have 0 trust for this lying bastard and I'm not sexually into him any longer. He devalued me... in every way. I have resentment for him still... even after marital therapy. Why did this man do this..???? He had it ALL with me. And I'm in shape and look 20 years younger than I am. I'm disgusted with his careless and deliberate betrayal....
My husband has been into porn for years. I don't like it either & don't want to see it.I think this is a man thing. I get mad at times but I sometimes I sit down & talk about anything else just to see how he handles the situation. He's comical. He'll flip the porn off to a game,mod,give short answers BUT he will not admit what he was doing!! We been together 26 years. Just be reallistic. Don't blame yourself. After all it's a man thing. Just remember too...There's always other men checking you out too!!! Men get jealous too.
HOW CAN I STOP MY MASTURBATION AND WATCH PORN MOVIE HABIT ?
WHY I LOOKING TWORD WOMEN IN SEXUAL WAY?
Davis, Watching porn changes a natural behavior of finding women attractive into an unnatural behavior of viewing all women sexually. It warps how we look at women. Get some help from a professional counselor like me to learn how to change this behavior. -Kurt
I have no prob with porn or watching it with my partner or without n understand he does to. Where my concern with my own partner is the amount he is veiwing he dosn't realise i have seen the amount he has dwnloaded watched this month, its the pure amount he is watching constantly when he got his phn he is watchin porn or searchin porn when we watch together it hardley seems wirth it after the amount of time he spends choosing clip. But my point is he is watching all day n night regaurdless of what we are doung he isnt masterbating obviously just constant veiwing. I am slowly peicing everthing together n realising i am in a relationship with an npd (narrsasists). There are many signs of this but have only recently found out about porn addiction being common amongst npd's and was wondering if anyone else has found this.
Claire, I'd be careful about linking porn addiction and npd - neither one requires the other. I think a more important question to be asking is why you're okay with porn watching when it's obviously a big problem in your relationship. -Kurt