Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
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Shhh! Here's a topic nobody's comfortable talking about. But it's a reality for a lot of men and their partners. Women ask me all the time for help dealing with a husband who’s watching porn and masturbating.
This very uncomfortable topic plagues many couples. And for every one couple who admits there’s a problem, there are many more who are struggling with it privately.
Unfortunately, for those couples who don’t seek help, masturbating while watching porn will most likely cause a number of problems within the relationship. And no amount of time or avoiding will make the problem any less uncomfortable to discuss?
So, how do you handle this kind of embarrassing problem?
What can a wife really do when her husband’s watching porn and masturbating?
First, you need to realize you’re far from alone in this uncomfortable situation and find some comfort in that fact.
Porn has become so easily available and normalized by our society that it’s a regular part of many people’s lives these days.
Second, know that your situation isn’t hopeless.
There are ways to help your husband see how unhealthy a porn addiction is and begin to address it. Not to mention how painful it is to you as his wife.
Many men don’t really understand the damage their porn habit does to their wives and how it can destroy their marriage over time.
In fact, most men consider porn a harmless habit and acceptable way to relieve stress. The fact that it’s damaging the intimacy in their marriage, devaluing their relationship, and humiliating to their wives doesn’t occur to them.
Below is an email from a woman with a husband watching porn and masturbating. She's trying to understand what's going on with him and how to make it stop, but he won't talk about it.
I've been married for almost 4 years now and my husband's watching porn and masturbating every time I left my house. As far as I know, he's stopped. Now he's saving photos of women on his computer in the same folder as the photos of myself that I took just for him. I've asked him to stop, he ignores the question and doesn't talk about it. My question is how do I get him to open up and talk about this because it is hurting me deeply." -Janice
Can you relate to her (or him)?
In addition to the devaluing of the intimacy in your relationship, your husband’s habit of masturbating to porn can cause further problems in your marriage. Among them are,
It's important to remember that not everyone who watches pornography or masturbates will experience these problems.
Make him stop? No.
Work with him to end what’s likely to have become an addiction? Probably, but you’ll need some help.
So, Janice wants to know how to get her husband to open up and talk about masturbating and viewing porn, and why he should stop.
Hmmm...good luck!
Actually, it is possible, but it’s not easy and she’ll most likely need some help from a knowledgeable counselor.
Many of us have a very difficult time discussing uncomfortable topics, even with our spouse.
You know, things like how we each spend money, overeating and weight, or sex.
Most couples can't talk about these issues effectively or without it turning into a big fight. Of course, arguing and fighting are no way to communicate about tough topics and find solutions that work.
As a result, we often just ignore those topics and avoid talking about them. And porn and masturbation are probably at the top of the uncomfortable topic list for almost everybody.
If Janice and her husband can't talk about tough subjects, how are they ever going to talk about one of the most difficult?
My advice - start small.
Janice needs to begin by starting to talk to her husband about the 'small' hard stuff, get some practice doing that before she tries to tackle the 'big' hard stuff.
It’s also very likely that Janice and her husband have some underlying trust issues as well. Many couples dealing with porn addiction do.
But by starting small and practicing communicating about the 'small' hard stuff, Janice and her husband can rebuild some trust that will help them tackle the 'bigger' hard stuff.
A good place for them to start small would be to discuss how she feels about the pictures she took for him and how he uses them.
Unfortunately for Janice, there's just not a quick and easy formula to deal with this. And sadly, most men who claim to have stopped initially have actually just gotten better at hiding it.
Porn is too available and too addictive for many men to just stop on their own, even when they finally realize how it’s hurting their wives.
So, despite what Janice wants to think, my guess is that he hasn't stopped watching porn – no matter how much she wants to believe that he has.
If you've got a husband watching porn and masturbating, start 'small' too. Obviously, it takes a lot more than this to solve the problem, but it's a great strategy to use to begin to make some progress communicating.
And being able to communicate is the first place most of couples get stuck.
Remember,
And lastly, remember that as overwhelming as the topic of porn and masturbation may feel, it is possible to address it and change it.
Editor’s note: This post was originally published December 14, 2013 and was updated June 30, 2020 and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
Wondering if Porn Is Cheating? Find out what psychology experts say about whether Porn Is Cheating.
Breaking a porn addiction isn’t easy. Learn how to handle relapses here.
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After having his favorite porn stars name pop up on my browser , twice....and all the denial that he was looking ....the phone is doing it on its own. I signed his phone out of our google account. I told him I don't want it in my face. It's all on him if he chooses porn. He won't have to worry about me not wanting sex....he won't want me after awhile. We have been there. He text me today to say that nothing could stop him or his heart from wanting me. Very sweet words, but the truth which I texted back is it can and it almost did once. I sent him 2 articles. How it makes your wife feel and how it effects your marriage. Chances are he read neither. I told him I'm not asking him to change for me .....I'm looking out for him. I'm not his keeper which is why I want things seperate as far as email, which we share because I have always handled it. Like drugs I told him this will change you and not for the better. You will only be able to hide it for so long...and I already know he will start carousing around . And either he will get involved with someone or get charged with harassment. I can't stop him. But if he goes down that path he will be alone. All thru this ....he has always denied, never taking responsibility, never really apologized, never stopped, and lies incessantly about his actions. I have told him I don't trust him, and he hasn't done anything to help rebuild it. Sweet words and compliments aren't going to work, it's all just a smoke screen. I had asked him why he married me after I found out he was trying to hook up with someone else, much younger....he told me I was a good person and I would take care of him. And it's probably the most honest he has ever been with me. Probably because he has no clue that's not what a woman wants to hear. Especially when her heart is torn in pieces. Divorce is a huge decision , one that will not just effect us but our family and friends . Especially our grandson. I take my vows very deeply and seriously. I married for better or worse. It already feels like he has cheated on me. In my heart I believe he has although I have no proof. If he doesn't stop that's what will happen, and it will be on him. I have been trying for so long I'm tired, I don't have it in me. Everyday is a struggle for me
Kurt I found a counselor and convinced my husband to go. I told the counselor about the fact that my husband hides his online purchasing from me but slips sometimes and I see picture after picture after picture he buys. I told him about other things I believe are going on...like I think he obsesses over certain women like neighbors or young girls we know and sometimes he kind of blanks out...stares in to space and I wonder if he us sitting and fantasizing. I walked in on him masturbating with lingerie "he had bought for me". In the end my husband told the counselor this was all silly, tgat he loves me so much and waited all if his life for me, and they both agreed that my insecurities and bad body imagine were at fault. We have had sex about four times in the last five months. Two of which he couldn't get an erection and one he faked ejection. We have been married two years. I am 62 and he us 60. I really really like sex. I feel he only has sex with me to keep me "happy". I'm about done. Your thoughts?
I've read on this website that most women are bothered by their partner's use of porn. Is there any scientific evidence to back this statement up? I have read many research papers that suggest that while some women are hurt by it, the majority have no issue with it and don't believe it negatively hurts their relationship.
To clarify, I am one of the women who is hurt by my husband's use of porn, even though he's attentive in bed and says he finds me beautiful. I still can't help but be hurt and it's destroying how I feel about my marriage, my husband, and about society.
Hi JoAnna, Good question. Yes, I have 20 years of counseling men and women on porn addiction that supports that statement.
The research on porn is not very reliable and is very culturally swayed. And since our culture says porn is harmless, of course that's what most people are going to believe. Many researchers and clinicians think there's no such thing as an addiction to porn, but that's not my experience.
Most women say they're okay with it because they don't know any better and feel they should be accepting of it. When you get them to be really honest with themselves, most don't like it. Read the thousands of comments on our articles and you'll see a viewpoint from women that research says doesn't exist.
The bottom line is that it only matters how you feel about it, and how you and your husband choose to deal with it in your marriage.
Stand firm. You're far from alone, despite what your friends say. -Dr. Kurt
I have been married 24 years found out about a year ago my husband was watching porn and masturbating.I know it’s not from us not having sex because we do it all the time.I confronted him and he lied straight to my face.i know he does I have proof of it all I gotta do is look on his phone under history he says it’s ads I’m so hurt any advice?
Same case here,
I have been married for 6years,we are young ,late 20s
My problem is I have insecurities about my husband,I always feel he is cheating or will cheat one day .i have caught him 3times masturbating,I don't understand why because we r always active sexually. The two times have caught him,he usually says he is sorry he won't repeat. Just the other day I caught him watching porn and masturbating,I asked why and he said,' am chilling,it's called chilling '
It has really destroyed my feelings towards him. I also feel that I can't connect with him emotionally again.
Kindly what advice?