Would you recognize Emotional Manipulation In Your Marriage? Check the signs of Emotional Manipulation In Marriage and how you can stop being manipulated.
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Relationships are complicated, especially abusive ones. Although unhealthy, feelings of love, dependency and self-esteem are all wrapped up in the relationship too. For women living with emotionally abusive men it can be difficult to separate these and see what’s really going on.
Women can be abusive as well, particularly emotionally, but in this article we’re focusing on men. And while there is outward evidence with physical abuse, emotional abuse can be much harder to see. Especially for those living with emotionally abusive men every day.
Wondering what it’s like to live with emotionally abusive men? Let’s ask Emily.
In many ways Emily and Jason’s relationship looks picture perfect. In fact, she says that it’s better than any relationship she’s ever had.
But there’s a problem. Even though from the outside Jason looks like a great guy, Emily wonders if he’s really just another version of am emotional abuser like she’s dealt with before in previous relationships.
Jason has this habit of denying Emily’s experience of events. Recently they had a fight over going out with friends. Since then every time they talk about that night Jason insists that Emily is not remembering correctly what happened, specifically what he said and did nor, in his opinion, does she remember correctly what she said and did.
There is a name for this kind of behavior, it’s called gaslighting, and it’s a very cruel and sneaky form of emotional abuse.
Jason can be very persuasive and convincing too. He has the ability to describe events in such a way that make it look like he’s done everything possible to resolve a problem and is just the victim of another person’s wrong behavior – i.e. Emily. As a result, Emily frequently questions herself about her recall of the facts and if in fact Jason is really right and she is wrong (Tip – when you find yourself routinely thinking this way this can be a sign of a relationship with emotionally abusive men).
What makes this such a problem for their relationship is that this happens all the time, over big things and little things.
See the pattern? Abusive relationships have patterns like this. Additionally, it’s always Emily who considers that maybe she doesn’t remember things correctly and was in the wrong – never Jason.
One way to spot abusive men is that they don’t take responsibility for their actions. But they don’t believe they have to because in their mind they’re never wrong. Abusive men also don’t use self-reflection to evaluate their behavior like Emily does above. They blame instead.
Unfortunately, relationships with emotionally abusive men are difficult to see. Abusive men are extremely skilled at controlling the relationship in very subtle ways. In couples counseling Jason has refused to continue to talk to Emily because she wouldn’t accept HIS version of the truth, and has even ended the meeting to further make his point.
This has left Emily in a tough spot. She still loves Jason, but is now beginning to see now that his behavior is damaging and unhealthy.
Through couples counseling Emily has learned more about abusive relationships and realizes she’s in another one again. Now we’re working together to help her learn how to change it. If you’ve got an emotionally abusive man in your life, you should too.
Controlling behavior and gaslighting aren’t the only ways someone can be emotionally abusive. Below are a few other examples of behaviors that are common in men who are emotionally abusive:
If you, like Emily, feel like there may be something not quite right about your relationship, it’s time to listen to your instincts. Your emotional well-being, as well as the emotional health of your partner, need to be a priority.
Sometimes emotionally abusive men don’t realize what they’re doing. That doesn’t mean they get a pass - it means they need to change their behavior if they want to be in a relationship. But it’s up to you, like it was up to Emily, to set and hold that boundary.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published December 31, 2011 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Would you recognize Emotional Manipulation In Your Marriage? Check the signs of Emotional Manipulation In Marriage and how you can stop being manipulated.
Want to know what Abusive Women are really like? Take a look at 7 behaviors used by Women who are Abusive. Read quotes from Women who Abuse and partners.
No one gets into a relationship expecting to be controlled by their partner.
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Sherry, Men can lose interest in their partners for a number of reasons. It could be one of the reasons you list or something else. Get some help from a professional counselor to figure it out. -Kurt
Hi.My boyfriend and I have lived together for 5 years now. In the past 2-3 years he has become quite aloof and distant with me. We rarely are intimate in any way. He doesnt talk nice to me the way he did when we were first dating. I feel like he thinks i am old news, so why bother being nice or thoughtful, romantic? When i have attempted to try talking to him about this, he says all i do is bitch and complain. But REALLY i wAnt so badly to know what is wrong, and what we can do as mature Adults to fix it make compromises, etc. I am 44 he is 46. He would rather swear at me tho, telling me to eff off, get lost go away and even told me he enjoys being an immature child playing video games, watching Live Leak videos on his computer than talk to me or listen to me ever. When i try talking to him he turns on the worst heavy metal music and so loud it drowns out my Voice. I can hear him laughing an e il laugh about it. All because i want peace, harmony between us? He seems to have NO heart. No compassion. He doesnt care that i cry. Knowing that he is the reason. I have tried stupid things in the hopes to get him to listen to me, like stand in front of tv for a few mins. Which i knew was WRONG and got me no where. He just added THAT as another reason as to why he wont talk to me. All in all. I feel very small. Unimportant. Many Times i tried to leave. And he suddenly was so Sorry and told me he has been so wrong in how he treats me, etc. He reeled me back in. But to what. He doesnt respect me. Because of numerous health problems i cannot work, nor can i drive. So during a fight he reminds me that he pays for Everything and i DONT. Therefore i have no right to ask ANYTHING of him, to have expextations in the relationship, etc and that my feelings dont count. There was a time when i did help out financially t'ho. How about then? He kinda wasnt always so nice back then, but he took my money for Sure. I am poor. He has a very BAD temper. And no matter what, he is right and i am wrong. And he says as long as i shut up and dont ask ANYTHING of him or from him in any way, like spend time with me, sex, etc etc then everything will be FINE. This is a dictatorship. Not a relationship. I am in a deep deep depression. He absolutely hates it when i cry. He thinks i do it for SYMPATHY. And because i am weak and feeling Sorry for myself. It annoys him. He treats me like an annoying fly, and says go away, go find a hobby, get LOST! He has not one compassionate bone in his body. He says, IF i just leave him alone, he will give me the love and affection etc i need. When ever he decides to give it tho, of course. I feel so ill. Migraines every day. So dizzy and Tired all the time. All this is making my health problems way worse. But he justifies himself at every turn by saying i am crazy. If i am, i kinda feel he had a hand in it. I used to be a stronger person. NOW i dont even KNOW WHAT i am or who i am anymore. I feel so alone so lost. And sick.
Tammy, You sound powerless, but you're not. You sound like you have no choice but to live with him, but you do. I hope you open your mind soon to the new possibilities that surround you. -Kurt
I would LOVE to KNOW of these new possibilities that you are telling me,,, are surrounding me? Because now,,, He wants me OUT of his house. Social Services only ALLOWS $459.00 for rent here. And there is not any rent here that LOW. I have a 16 year old cat, who isnt doing so well, but i wont part with him, until he dies naturally or there is no other choice but to have to put him down. Finding a place to live here is awful. And they only allow you to live a womans shelter for ONE MONTH. THEN U MUST FIND YOUR OWN PLACE. I HAVE VERY POOR HEALTH. UNABLE TO WORK. NO FRIENDS OR FAMILY TO GO TO. SO WHERE ARE ALL THESE GREAT POSSIBILITIES YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT? THE WAY I SEE IT, ANY WAY I TURN, I AM GOING TO BE SCREWED IN THE END...I AM NOT TRYING TO BE NEGATIVE3 HERE. BUT REALITY IS SLAPPING ME IN THE FACE !!!
Tammy, I know what I'm saying sounds unrealistic, but it actually is true. Unfortunately, I cannot problem-solve your circumstances for you in this forum. If you want more personal help, use the 'Contact' link below to schedule time to talk. Seeing the possibilities I am talking about begins within your own mind and starts with a different way of thinking than your present mindset of "I am going to be screwed in the end." Hope you discover what I am talking about because it really is true. -Kurt