Would you recognize Emotional Manipulation In Your Marriage? Check the signs of Emotional Manipulation In Marriage and how you can stop being manipulated.
4 Min Read
Contents
Relationships are complicated, especially abusive ones. Although unhealthy, feelings of love, dependency and self-esteem are all wrapped up in the relationship too. For women living with emotionally abusive men it can be difficult to separate these and see what’s really going on.
Women can be abusive as well, particularly emotionally, but in this article we’re focusing on men. And while there is outward evidence with physical abuse, emotional abuse can be much harder to see. Especially for those living with emotionally abusive men every day.
Wondering what it’s like to live with emotionally abusive men? Let’s ask Emily.
In many ways Emily and Jason’s relationship looks picture perfect. In fact, she says that it’s better than any relationship she’s ever had.
But there’s a problem. Even though from the outside Jason looks like a great guy, Emily wonders if he’s really just another version of am emotional abuser like she’s dealt with before in previous relationships.
Jason has this habit of denying Emily’s experience of events. Recently they had a fight over going out with friends. Since then every time they talk about that night Jason insists that Emily is not remembering correctly what happened, specifically what he said and did nor, in his opinion, does she remember correctly what she said and did.
There is a name for this kind of behavior, it’s called gaslighting, and it’s a very cruel and sneaky form of emotional abuse.
Jason can be very persuasive and convincing too. He has the ability to describe events in such a way that make it look like he’s done everything possible to resolve a problem and is just the victim of another person’s wrong behavior – i.e. Emily. As a result, Emily frequently questions herself about her recall of the facts and if in fact Jason is really right and she is wrong (Tip – when you find yourself routinely thinking this way this can be a sign of a relationship with emotionally abusive men).
What makes this such a problem for their relationship is that this happens all the time, over big things and little things.
See the pattern? Abusive relationships have patterns like this. Additionally, it’s always Emily who considers that maybe she doesn’t remember things correctly and was in the wrong – never Jason.
One way to spot abusive men is that they don’t take responsibility for their actions. But they don’t believe they have to because in their mind they’re never wrong. Abusive men also don’t use self-reflection to evaluate their behavior like Emily does above. They blame instead.
Unfortunately, relationships with emotionally abusive men are difficult to see. Abusive men are extremely skilled at controlling the relationship in very subtle ways. In couples counseling Jason has refused to continue to talk to Emily because she wouldn’t accept HIS version of the truth, and has even ended the meeting to further make his point.
This has left Emily in a tough spot. She still loves Jason, but is now beginning to see now that his behavior is damaging and unhealthy.
Through couples counseling Emily has learned more about abusive relationships and realizes she’s in another one again. Now we’re working together to help her learn how to change it. If you’ve got an emotionally abusive man in your life, you should too.
Controlling behavior and gaslighting aren’t the only ways someone can be emotionally abusive. Below are a few other examples of behaviors that are common in men who are emotionally abusive:
If you, like Emily, feel like there may be something not quite right about your relationship, it’s time to listen to your instincts. Your emotional well-being, as well as the emotional health of your partner, need to be a priority.
Sometimes emotionally abusive men don’t realize what they’re doing. That doesn’t mean they get a pass - it means they need to change their behavior if they want to be in a relationship. But it’s up to you, like it was up to Emily, to set and hold that boundary.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published December 31, 2011 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Would you recognize Emotional Manipulation In Your Marriage? Check the signs of Emotional Manipulation In Marriage and how you can stop being manipulated.
Want to know what Abusive Women are really like? Take a look at 7 behaviors used by Women who are Abusive. Read quotes from Women who Abuse and partners.
No one gets into a relationship expecting to be controlled by their partner.
© 2025 Guy Stuff Counseling & Coaching, APC, All Rights Reserved.
Privacy Policy | Sitemap | Do Not Sell or Share My Information
Featured logos are trademarks of their respective owners.
WOW,,, OMG! That is the same thing i go through all the time. I never thought or knew that thats a sighn of abuse. I do know that my husband of 9 years is just the same as discribed above. I always tell myself that he just sees and feels things in/at a diffrent way then i do. I call it INDENIAL. to me i guess thats how most men are. lol i showed him this message and he smerked and told me " yea watever thats not true it's just that i and most men have a better prospective and memory then woman, and i know detail after detail what happened 3 years ago when we were out celebriting and you were outside the bar with someone else and left me in there for more then a half hour. i know thats how long you were out there." OK,, realy i was outside smoking and talking to someone and I KNOW it was'nt no half hour or more. lol he had more to drink then me that night,so yea i see you're pont here. awsome to just learned that maybe he is right and im wrong! but nope i knew he was wrong.
I just realized your comment is many years old but hey, maybe this will still reach you. I have this problem also. and ive been in abusive relationships of all kinds but never one like this. Ha which is why im google searching like you were many years ago on abusive TYPES of men! Mine happens to be VERy intelligent. Very charismatic and always makes me think im wrong. But heres my thought on this subject...i know EXACTLY what you said and EXACTLY how you moved and where your eyes went or what you did next...do you know why? Because it CRUSHED me thats why. And those moments we REMEMBER because they happen in slow motion and we replay them a million times in our head trying to justifty it or change it or see something different. You know exactly what is going on with your husband. Id love to say I hope you are no longer with him but i know life isnt always that simple. The reason I'm even sending this is in hopes that if you are, and you happen to read this, you know that you are NOT wrong. and while you may have to play that game with him to keep the peace, know inside yourself that you are better and deserve better! and no NOT ALL MEN ARE LIKE THIS!!!
I think this might be me. We've recently had the talk after he told me, He doesn't like my effort lately (over not putting garlic salt on the toast) about how I'm always walking on eggshells, he's always critiquing everything I say and do. Nothing is to his perfection. I can't even cut carrots rite. Now, he never calls me names, never physically hurts me or the kids, but I'm always thinking and rethinking what I'm going to say around him. I've even told him it's too much work talking to him sometimes. You know what he told me? He told me he would have to get after me or give me "Constructive Critisism" if I'd just do the things his way. We've been married twelve years and he still claims our money is really his money because he makes it. He goes snowmachineing every weekend and I get in trouble for buying a 99cent app for my phone. He refuses to go to counseling with me and I'm at my whits end. He doesn't believe we have a problem, I just need to step up my game.
Christy, Wow your husband can sure spin things to make himself look pretty good. This is a sign of abuse too.
Get some support as you step up your game. You're in a tough spot -- like many of the women who visit this blog. Take a look at the posts on Controlling Men in the list on right side of this page for more help.
Wow! This is exactly what happened to me at college! A group of girls would chase around campus and call me b****! I go to the dean of students then she did the same exact thing. Then she had a talk...that i dont want to talk about here. My father went to her and she denied everything and made it look like I was a freak and deserved it. I'll never be the same.
i resemble this- or should I say my husband does. he recently told me he walks on pins and needles around me because he doesn't know what to expect from me. this was after a conversation where he suggested he never wants to have sex with me again.additionally, in the last month, whenever we make plans to do something, if i seem excited at all, he finds a way to screw it up. As an example, I suggested we go to a car show (he;s a car guy) and we made the lans, the eve before he says :we can do something else" i said fine, i was looking forward to the car show but if he doesn't want to go, he wouldn't have any fun which means i wouldn't either" this started an argument and the end result was we didn't do anything.this happens every weekend regardless of who made the plans or suggested them, If he thinks I want to go, he finds a way to screw it up. To add to my frustration, he also shows no interest in me sexually, never says I love you. He says he "shows his love" by doing things like planning things to do (that he finds a way to screw up) or working on my motorcycle etc. Suspicious that he s having an affair but he doesn't have any of the classic signs but I also travel for work every other week, think he may be a narcissist or passive aggressive and definitely emotionally abusive.
He said he didnt want to go because hes obviously scared of you. He's scared to not please you or do the wrong thing or he thinks you wont have fun or youll complain. ve been on both ends of this, currently the abused, but I still have to check myself sometimes. You cant expect someone to be happy and how they "used to be" when you continue to berate them and dont treat them that way in return. this is my best example and something i know i struggle with... instead of saying "oh did you take the trash out babe? im guessing no because you never do any other time" Right there you are inviting negativity and demeaning him. Simple change "hey babe, did you take that trash out?' you cant expect sunshine when you are rain.