Think My Husband Doesn’t Find Me Attractive After Baby? If you think your Husband Doesn’t Find You Attractive After Having A Baby there may be more to it.
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In a perfect world, one of the pleasures of marriage is an active and enjoyable sex life.
Unfortunately, for a wife who thinks her husband is not physically attracted to her this may not be a reality.
In my marriage counseling practice, I often hear women say,
“My husband is not physically attracted to me,”
and then ask what they can do about it.
This usually goes deeper than simple physical appearance, with many husbands acknowledging that their wives are attractive women, but they still struggle to find themselves attracted to them.
Why?
Below is a question from just such a woman and my response will follow.
Reader Question:
Help! My husband is not physically attracted to me. We've been married for 9 yrs. We basically got married only cuz I was pregnant. We didn't really love each other then, but I have grown to love him. He says he cares for me, but doesn't love me. Neither of us are happy in the marriage, but we have 3 kids and are willing to 'suffer through' for the kids' sake. However, one aspect that is making it difficult for me to continue is that my husband is not physically attracted to me. We don't have sex. It's been over 3 months since we've been intimate sexually and only then b/c I initiated it and basically forced him to continue.
I think he's just totally turned off by me and it repulses him whenever I approach the subject. It's not just intercourse I miss. It's the touching, like a hand on my shoulder, or even him touching my hair, or ANYTHING! We have tried marriage counseling. We quit going cuz either we can't afford it anymore, or he claims I need to work on 'my problems' before we can work on any marriage problems. I admit I have problems that should be dealt with via counseling, but that is separate. We can work on the marriage at the same time. Any advice?" -Brianna V.
Brianna’s very concerned that her husband isn’t physically attracted to her, but the truth is that’s probably not the biggest issue.
My Answer:
Feeling that your husband’s not physically attracted to you isn’t an uncommon problem. Believe it or not, many spouses, both men and women, are dissatisfied with the amount or quality of sexual intimacy in their marriage.
There can be many reasons, and it's often a combination of factors, not just one. Here are just a few possibilities:
Some men feel,
Rather than admit any of these things, it can be easier to just withdraw from their partner.
Some men use other things to get this need met besides sex.
In my counseling practice I see guys use,
even food to satisfy emotional needs that a partner is meant to help fulfill.
A compounding problem is that many people have poor self-esteem and use their partner's desire for them as a tool for dealing with it.
Many wives are either unaware of or ignore their husband’s use of porn. And those who are aware often don't realize the negative affects porn addiction can have on the sexual intimacy in their marriage.
It's possible that your husband’s attraction to you has been affected because he has conditioned his brain to find the images in porn more arousing.
This is a hard one for all of us to do as it requires us to look in the mirror and be honest about ourselves and our behavior.
What about you could be turning him off?
As difficult as this can be to face, you may find some really helpful clues by answering that question honestly.
When you feel like you're being ignored and unloved it's easy to let those frustrations turn into negative behavior that only drives your partner further away.
can be expressed as nagging or in the very destructive silent treatment.
So, be careful not to dismiss that there may be areas you can improve upon as well.
Although your husband's comment that you need to work on your "problems" was likely meant to deflect from what he needs to work on, there’s probably some truth in what he said.
The same applies to him as well.
It’s clear that Brianna’s marriage got off to a rocky start.
The pressure of a baby spurred them into marriage and as a result there are probably some foundational pieces to their relationship that were missed. And they obviously have external stressors adding to their problems.
Likely among these things are:
Without the time to build the right kind of bond and develop the ‘spend the rest of our lives together’ feelings, it can be easy for insecurities and doubts about the stability of the relationship to arise. These can lead to physical disinterest.
Three children and an unstable marriage certainly sounds stressful. A big contributor to lack of physical interest, particularly for men, is stress.
Money problems contribute to stress, but exist in their own category.
The fact they can’t afford additional counseling sessions and yet still have a great deal to work through can be a contributor to diminished physical interest as well.
Physical attraction is more complicated than simply being attractive. If you're feeling like your husband isn't attracted to you remember these things:
Sexual intimacy in marriage is such a common area of heartache, and so many wives can say "my husband is not physically attracted to me." So, if this is you too, you're not alone and it is fixable.
* * This is the first article of two discussing issues regarding when a husband is not physically attracted to his wife and sexual intimacy in marriage. In the second article (What's Attractive To Men?) I share the story of a couple I'm working with in marriage counseling who are also dealing with the same problem of the husband's attraction to his wife. **
Editor's Note: This post was originally published October 24, 2010, updated on December 5, 2017, June 28, 2022, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Think My Husband Doesn’t Find Me Attractive After Baby? If you think your Husband Doesn’t Find You Attractive After Having A Baby there may be more to it.
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PJ - that is a broad generalization and not true in our instance. I've just turned 37. Still only 135 lbs, exercise, eat healthy, wear makeup, etc. If I were a bad person I would cheat but I love my husband and think it is wrong. He admitted this year that his porn addiction causes a sexual dissatisfaction with me. Even an attractive, well kept 37 yo mother of two cannot compete with constant variety of 20 year olds and daily masturbation. Sorry. I try to no avail to be "whatever he wants" in the sack. At some point you stop caring - I'm almost there.
It's more to it than just your physical shape. There are other things that factor in to it. Personality, attitude, how you interact with your husband, etc. Now I'm sure that your husband has issues. We men definitely have our issues. But I strongly believe that in most marriages, problems in physical intimacy within marriage lay on both sides. It could be things that you're doing or not doing that you should be doing or things that you are doing wrong that you may not be aware of. But porn does have a tremendous effect on sexual intimacy in marriage if it's not handled and gotten rid of the right spiritual way. Take it from someone who has struggled with porn most of his life. It definitely has an effect. Unless your husband accepts that he has this problem and more, it will continue. The only way he will truly be rid of it you be rid of your problems with him is through Christ. Trust me on this. Your husband has a spirit of lust in him. It may sound crazy but that is the issue.
I wonder how my husband would feel if I decided at the last minute not to cook, then not to cook often and finally not to cook at all. No explanation, no reason, nothing.
Would he stay home and starve every night or would go out to eat?
Should I not also be allowed to "go out to eat"?
The best feeling I had was when I got back at my husband a couple years after he allowed an older predator groom & quietly rape a young naive me ...bc he wanted to be with his woman (this was the terrible way I got introduced to a certain lifestyle...). He did nothing to stop it and I've repressed it and felt dead thinking about it. Next time, I chose a couple I really liked and he wasn't as into...and was then thoroughly satisfied by the man I CHOSE... in front of him. You can judge me all you want, but even though I did not purposefully plan this, subconsciously I think I did and boy was revenge sweet. I did not feel like a victim & my bf tasted just a tiny fraction of the pain and trauma I felt when I was betrayed like that. Backstory: My bf also made me feel unwanted and not loved by ignoring me physically. So I warmed up to the idea of a different lifestyle a few times a year. I loved him and I believe I still do..I'm still hoping that he will change but the hurt, rejection, and feeling depressed over the years (in between some good, loving moments here and there just to respark a bit of hope)... is making me care less. I wonder if he will notice when I completely stop caring.
I work as a fitness model, I'm not unattractive. Haven't felt like a woman should feel in years.
So my situation is a little different, my husband was never the type to want sex everyday, we have been together for over 9 years, have 2 kids together, and things seemed to be better after our second son. He was more committed and settled. We had a little problem where he became abusive and he got really insecure when he saw me messaging another guy. This guy will often sent messages complimenting me and checking on me and he got really disturbed by it. He got very insecure and our relationship got very distant for sometime. After this I became very exhausted and fed up of fighting for our relationship to last so I kinda stop, and lose attraction after the abuse. However, I forgive him and we are in a better place today. Recently I have noticed that he is not touching me or even acting interested in me sexually, I tried talking to him and his excuse is that I'm busy...this makes no sense. I know that I can be the bigger person and fight and make love to him, but I'm not sure I have the strength anymore and I dont think i should have to beg him to show me love. So I don't know what really going on 😔