Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
Part 2 of 2
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Contents
What triggers a midlife crisis? Does it just come out of nowhere, or does something cause midlife to go from a transition to a crisis?
This is the second part of the two-part series examining midlife crisis in men. Read the first post, Midlife Crisis - Facts & Fiction, for some signs of what a midlife crisis looks like.
Knowing what it looks like is one thing though, knowing what triggers it is quite different.
Descriptions of midlife crisis symptoms can vary depending upon who you’re asking. However, there do seem to be some common behaviors that they all agree upon.
The following is an excerpt from an article written by Cathy Meyer, What Are the Causes of a Midlife Crisis, explaining some descriptions of a midlife crisis by a few experts. I have included my own observations based on my clinical experience as well.
If you talk to middle-aged men and women who have experienced divorce, you will find that many of them will tell you their spouse changed overnight and became someone who discarded all that was once important to him for a new life that was all about what he wanted.
A midlife crisis was first identified by the psychologist Carl Jung and is a normal part of the maturing process.
Most people will experience some form of emotional transition during that time of life. A transition that might cause you to take stock in where you are in life and make some needed adjustments to the way they live their life. Most seem to come through the process smoothly without making major life changes.
In my experience most people dealing with a midlife crisis have a number of external and internal factors or triggers that push them into a state of crisis. The stresses of life can be overwhelming and childhood issues that were never dealt with can come to the surface during this time.
There are additional external factors that may cause this time in life to be problematic. Some of them are listed below.
Financial difficulties are stressful at any age. In middle-age, however, they can be overwhelming and push people into crisis mode quickly.
The prospect of fewer earning years and mounting debt is more than some people can handle.
They may feel compelled to walk away from everything and everyone associated with their financial issues, feeling that this is an easier solution than trying to fix things. This doesn’t work, however. Debt within a family or marriage isn’t easily separated from and the process of trying can just make things more stressful.
Death of anyone close to you is hard to deal with. Dealing with it at this stage of life can be particularly difficult.
The loss of a parent or friend shines a light on the passage of time and brings the idea of your own mortality to the forefront. Coping with these feelings isn’t easy and can easily exacerbate an already challenging time.
A person who’s natural reaction is to avoid conflict or challenging situations will find this time of life more difficult. Ignoring problems doesn’t make them go away, it only compounds them and at this stage of life that can cause even bigger problems, like a midlife crisis.
When a person arrives in midlife and feels they haven’t risen to the point they had hoped for in their career, or accomplished the things they once dreamed about, it can be a challenging reality to accept.
Realizing that certain things in your life will likely NEVER happen can be a difficult pill to swallow. This change from an “anything is possible” belief in life to a “I will never be able to do that” revelation can trigger a midlife crisis.
In our youth we are strong, flexible, and recover quickly from most things. Then, one day, we can find ourselves grunting as we get out of a chair, needing assistance to sit on the floor, or dealing with sicknesses far scarier than colds or flus.
Bodies age whether we want them to or not, and they do so even if you’re in good shape. Many of us find ourselves taken by surprise as these changes occur and respond by sinking into crisis mode. For example, men now rival women as consumers of appearance enhancing treatments like Botox and Restilin, or other cosmetic procedures.
For some, a midlife crisis is even more complicated. It can be an uncomfortable time emotionally which can lead to depression and the need for psychotherapy.
Those who have a hard time with this transitional stage and are susceptible to being triggered into a midlife crisis might experience a range of feelings such as,
Are you a man struggling with any of these?
If so, there's help available. If handling things on your own isn’t working you might need the guidance of a counselor who works with midlife crisis in men.
No matter who you are, if so there will likely be some change in your thoughts and perspectives during midlife. That’s just a part of human nature as we age. Whether the changes during this time trigger a midlife crisis or not depends upon many factors.
With help your midlife doesn’t have to be a crisis. So, learn how to change your midlife crisis into a transition, one that leads to a better stage in your life.
This is the second article of two defining midlife crisis. Here's the first one: Midlife Crisis Facts & Fiction. Sign-up for our blog below and be sure not to miss our next article.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published on July 3, 2010, updated September 25 2018, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
One of the hardest parts of a midlife crisis is being the partner of the man in one.
Think a man in your life it going through a mid-life crisis? Learn the signs here.
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I think there are many laymans and even Dr. Phil who delegitimize the idea of a midlife crisis. This is a very real phenomenon, even if some people explain it away.
If anyone can relate to this description, I feel like it is like waking up early in the morning and being famished! You go to the kitchen to make a bowl of cereal but it doesn't satisfy you. It's like you need something else but don't know what, so you try to make bacon and eggs, but it doesn't satisfy you. You try to go through your day feeling moments of being full but never satisfied. It's a really strange feeling, like grasping at straws (google that idiom please).
It really feels like I'm missing something. Maybe I thought it was just self-esteem, so I read a lot of books about self-esteem which didn't quite fix the problem. So I wondered maybe I don't feel my emotions and have a lot of things repressed? I'm exploring that, but it's still not quite hitting the nail on the head. I consume books like they were soda crackers! Desperately searching for the solution.
Bryan, Thank you so much for sharing your story. Your analogy is very good. Consider seeing a counselor. A professional can help you figure out what is going on and give you the tools to handle it. -Kurt
Yes Kurt, I'm getting counselling, but how long does it typically take to resolve some of the inner strangeness? Any idea how long it typically takes? I decided to go with a Gestalt Therapist who is also classically trained in psychodynamic therapy and she's a zen preist so she knows about breathwork and mindfullness. Couldn't ask for a better resume, but the progress we're making is snail pace.
Bryan, I can't really comment as I'm not a practitioner of either of those. How long one is in therapy is completely different for everyone, and not every type of therapy is right for everyone. -Kurt
Thank you for sharing how it feels from the other side Bryan. How are you getting on now? I think there is not much help or recognition for mid life crisis because it is little understood and no solutions have been found yet. As humans there are so many things we don't know much about as yet so maybe that's why it's not talked about and swept under the rug. We are now in an age where things are coming to light to be talked about and worked through and answers found so lets hope... What you described is what my husbands cousin went through years ago. He didn't know what he was doing and had no control. He lost a beautiful woman (wife) 3 children, the respect of his own family (some wouldn't even speak to him) He tried to speak to my ex for me but my ex managed to avoid him. It's such a shame that so much unhappiness and destruction happens but there is little help or understanding for people going though this very real phenomenon. I wonder if it's something to do with a hormone shift in some people (losing testosterone due to age) or it's just a phenomenon of nature, after having the kids and rearing them some people psychologically need their freedom again but it's a hard one to come to terms with both for them and their spouses and kids. I'm just speculating , I'm not an expert. I hope you found some help and that you are in a better space now.
I have been through 2 divorces. The first said it was because I had to work. He only would have a part time job. The 2nd said he would like to tell the 1st ex husband that he had found the best woman in his life the one he through away. He married 2 months and 6 days after he divorced me. His sons ex girlfriend told me this woman was not a good person and that he had changed. Also this person he married hates children. She told him and them she had that problem took care of a long time ago. I helped him with his granddaughter for 5 years. I had to leave a child I had raised for 5 years. I am not aloud to see her. His daughter's little girl. His son has a little boy I only got to see 2 times before this happened. Little boy momma is the one who told me about my ex husbands wife.
Hi I am in my late 40s, 16 yrs into my 2nd marriage and for the last yr or so been feeling really depressed. How did I Get to this place? Well.. I had my first child at 17 and we got married about a year out of high school. We had a 2nd child 3 years later. After 7 years of marriage and 10 being in a relationship, she moved on and we divorced. In less than a year I was back in a serious relationship with my current wife. My wife is a good woman, loving affectionate and supportive but I'm not happy. I've never tasted independence as an adult because every decision I've made since 17 has never been just about ME. Some days I feel like I'm losing my mind. I don't have anyone to talk to and I don't want to disappoint or hurt my family.😔
Marc, you are not alone. This stage of life comes with many complicated feelings and your life has many aspects to consider. Your wife is your partner and connecting with her over your feelings can allow you to tackle them together. You can also always try counseling if you feel you would like professional guidance. -Dr. Kurt
Something you said resonated with me. My ex (who had the mid life crisis from hell) also never really gained independence as a adult . We married when he was 23 years old and we were in a marriage where I did a lot for him. He had a very demanding career so I took care of everything at home. It could be one of the warning signals ....
My husband has recently left after telling me he wants to be on his own, we got together when he was 18 have been together 25 years, married for 16. He wouldn't consider resolving issues just that he thinks he doesn't love me like he should?? I then found out he was having an emotional relationship with a 27 year old girl at work (he is 44), I have since been fed information that they have been having an affair. I am devastated, he of course is denying it and had a fit of rage when I confronted him for not believing him, he has always been a loner and not a sociable type but seems to have this other life i don't know about and is a stranger to me, he wont admit he has done anything wrong and is only interested in a single life so he can date who he wants... he has even had this conversation with our 19 year old who feels he has abandoned her for this new life which seems more important to him than her.... I have blocked him from contacting me as it is too painful to see or speak to him I cannot see a way out of this black hole I am in when he is living it up! is he miserable? will this fog in his mind lift and make him realise how destructive his behavior is?
Hi Sarena. I really feel for you and what you are going through. This was me 6 years ago now. If I could tell myself back then what I know now I would say really look after yourself. You'll need a lot of self care and a lot of healing work to cope and to grow past this. Don't blame yourself, it's not about you. Your responsibility now is yourself and your kids. Don't bother to hope he'll "see the light" and realise the error of his ways and come back. If he does it will be so far in the future and you will have moved on and you could never trust the person he has become anyway. You'll never fully understand why people do this (men and women) but it's nothing to do with you and who you are. I doubt if he fully knows himself why he's doing it. All you can do is try to gather your strength and make good decisions for yourself going forward and don't let it affect the rest of your life.
I could tell this to myself back then 6 years ago but I don't know if she'd listen. She was too traumatised, suicidal at first and had a long way to go before her feet were back on the ground again and she gathered the tattered remains of her life. I wish she'd also realised the damaging effect it was to have the kids too so she could have put her own feelings aside and helped the most vulnerable. 6 years on it's getting better.We've all grown so much, we had to to cope.You never get "over it", you learn to live with it and it becomes part of the fabric of who you are ( your story) I won't let this story define me and I fight to get back to the woman before 30 years with a man who was a "ticking time bomb"