There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
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Diane and Ray have had a lot to deal with lately. All couples do at one point or another, but when a partner cheats, surviving that infidelity in your marriage can really push a couple to the breaking point.
I thought we were at the end of this until last week and now I'm having a rough time with this."
This is what Diane told me after we had our last marriage counseling session. The week prior she had received an email from the other woman stating that her husband, Ray, was still lying to her about the affair.
Last year Ray had a year-long affair with a woman he met on Facebook. And he told Diane he ended the affair 8 months ago, but now Diane is finding out that may not be the case and she’s beginning to think she’s reached her limit.
The pain and betrayal are starting to seem like more than their relationship can survive.
In our counseling sessions we have focused on how Diane and Ray’s marriage could survive the affair. Many couples believe there’s no way forward once one partner has cheated and automatically default to the belief that the relationship is over and begin to consider divorce as the only option.
That doesn’t have to be the case, however. If you’re both willing, there are ways to get through the pain and trauma caused by an affair.
So, what does it take to survive infidelity in your marriage? There are four things required if your relationship is going to survive:
Without these four things neither love nor counseling alone will be enough. Of course, that doesn’t mean these four things are easy to come by. In fact, you’ll probably need counseling to help build a foundation for these components to develop.
I’ve coached Ray on the benefits of his being completely honest, even when it meant admitting to Diane that he had been lying to her again. And I helped him to tell her that he really didn't totally end it until 2 months ago like he said he had.
As far as Diane's concerned, that's just what he says right now. How's she really going to know when it's truly over? (How's she going to know when she can really trust him again?)
She later asked me,
Have you ever seen couples in our situation who really are able to trust the other person again? From what you have seen from the both of us, do you think it's possible or am I just being naive?"
I told her, yes, I have seen couples survive infidelity and be able to rebuild trust after an affair. I also told her that it requires complete honesty to be practiced, new behaviors be developed to prove that things have changed, and an extended period of time in both honesty and actions to restore the trust.
You can see in Diane and Ray that practicing honesty, making effort, exercising patience, and staying committed aren’t easy. The good news for them is they realize that and are getting help. But that’s just the beginning.
Getting your marriage back to a healthy and happy state after an affair can seem either impossible or a very daunting process. And it does indeed take time and work, for sure. Hence the need for patience.
Really repairing things, however, will require you to break them down even more. Let me explain.
An affair is almost always a symptom of other problems in the marriage. Happy couples in healthy relationships don’t generally suffer infidelity issues.
Things like lack of communication, feelings of resentment, being taken for granted, and an overall growing apart can leave cracks in the love in a relationship that grow over time.
This can drive some partners to look for other people to fill the void their spouse has left - seeking to feel loved, wanted and valued. Before you know it an emotional or physical affair has begun and the marriage is in big trouble.
So, to repair the relationship you will need to figure out where things went wrong first, which means looking deeper than the affair. This can be really difficult because it means unburying all the other stuff that has built up over time.
Understandably, this is not a process anyone looks forward to doing.
However, once you do this you’ll be at a much better place to fix the real problems and begin moving forward. It’s this process that really is the key to surviving infidelity in your marriage.
As I said, it’s not an easy journey. And it really does take the help of a marriage counselor to do it effectively. But it can be done - I’ve seen marriages truly rebound after an affair time and again.
Surviving infidelity in marriage is about practicing honesty, trust building, and giving it time. If you’re committed and patient you may even find a stronger, healthier marriage on the other side.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published March 31, 2010 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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My husband was unfaithful for years before I separated from him, and he continued to be unfaithful until our marriage ended in divorce. He married the other woman, but I was told by the church and many others that I should admit "my fault" in this. This mindset makes women terrified that if they can't "measure up," their husbands will be unfaithful and they will somehow deserve it. It has been many years since my husband left, and my children are grown. Many would say that I have been successful in what I have done with my life, and in raising my children, but my deep wound has never healed. The message that I got loud and clear was, "You don't deserve to be loved."
Becky,
I hope you know God loves us regardless of what we "deserve," and the deep wound you feel is erased in His kingdom. While you walk on earth with your pain, a pain I know all too well, know that no one is perfect. We all have faults. However, each person makes his or her own choices. A cheating spouse is an adulterer and coward. A cheating spouse will be judged by God accordingly. Look up the phrase "adultery" in the bible and know that while we all have many faults, adultery is one of the worst. I hope you find the love on earth that you deserve, and I hope it starts with loving God then yourself. Your children, I am sure, love you as well. Choose happiness. It's there.
My husband and i went to jail on a bogus charge my daughtet said we hit her. When my husbamd got out of jail he went to our old friends and he slep with a lot of them and it kills me .there were at least yen to twelve females he had sexual relations with. Now they look laugh @nd make comments . he makes comments aboit them to. And it hurts me . but one hurts the worst . why because when he talks aboit he he feels with rage. And i feel like im nothing to him. I feel as if hes conatantly thinking aboit her. She broke his heart. And i know hes in love with her that he conatantly thinks about her and he constantly is day dreaming about her. He never hears anything i say. He dont want todo anything with me i jave to beg him to do anything with me and he makes me feel like im in his way. Like hes embaraced to be seen with me or for people to even know f hes with me . and. He just wants to stayq in bed all the time. He says he loves me but i feel its only out of habbit. It really has me so messed up ive even contenplated suicide a few times because i just want the pain of him cheating on me the last 16 years to just go away. . i dont complain at him i do everything for him . i cook keep a clean ordee)y home amd i wait on him hand and foot. Wash his hair blow dry ot i take care of bathing washing dressing. Taking cate of his every need. I rub his feet and i give him very long massages and do everything he says. Sex was always.one sided he got his and was done. And trips caise i use a vibtator. My husband seems so far away he never hears anything i say. Then says. I didnt tell him this or that. . he makes me feel as if im an embaracement to him .he has made my self esteam. Gone. I feel old and ugly and whats the use,,,. I think hes on)y back with me becaise she kicked him to the. Curb 5old him she didnt want him . hes 64 im 54 and the one i think he feel in love with i$ 27 uears old .can anyone tell me how to possiably help me . please i need to know how ro get my husbamd back. He here in body and thats it please what do i do
Billie, You also have a voice in your relationship, and you need to decide what you're willing to tolerate. It's possible to survive infidelity, but both partners have to want to work it out, and that usually takes the help of a professional counselor. The next time you consider hurting yourself, please call the national hotline at 800-273-8255 anytime 24/7 to talk to someone first. You can also you can reach out to me by clicking the Contact link at the top of this page. -Kurt
Im heatbroken. He cheated when i was pregnant. He looked up women on facebook. I didnt end it for those times. I ve been away for a year working to supoort our family and i saw to ni ght that he was looking up sex for money o . facebook.ice been honest faithful supportive caring i dont deserve this vut im ashamed of ending it. Ive been working my ass off.so my son a d i vould move back with his dad..i can niw work from.hom but now i want to end it after all of this. I dont deserve this but am.i overreacting...i justfeel dissapointed and embarrassed . i five all.of me...is this my fault devasted and heatbroken
Im heatbroken. He cheated when i was pregnant. He looked up women on facebook. I didnt end it for those times. I ve been away for a year working to supoort our family and i saw to ni ght that he was looking up sex for money o . facebook.ice been honest faithful supportive caring i dont deserve this vut im ashamed of ending it. Ive been working my ass off.so my son a d i vould move back with his dad..i can niw work from.hom but now i want to end it after all of this. I dont deserve this but am.i overreacting...i justfeel dissapointed and embarrassed . i five all.of me...is this my fault devasted and heatbroken