You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
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Recently, a man named Glenn asked a question about emotional detachment in his marriage. He said his wife had changed, and he wasn’t sure what it meant – but something felt off.
He described sitting in a moment of unexpected peace and quiet when a thought hit him –
“Wait - it’s too quiet. Something’s wrong.”
It was a creepy feeling like he’d missed something or like something bad was about to happen.
Can you relate?
That eerie calm Glenn described can be the first sign that your spouse is becoming emotionally detached from you and the relationship.
Let’s clear something up before we dive deeper.
Emotional detachment is a psychological condition where someone struggles or refuses to form emotional bonds with others. It can stem from trauma, depression, or emotional abuse.
But becoming emotionally detached in marriage is different. It’s not a clinical condition. It’s a slow emotional withdrawal from a spouse, and it can be extremely painful for both partners.
Detaching emotionally from your partner doesn’t happen overnight. It creeps in, moment by moment, until you realize you feel nothing – not love, not frustration, not even annoyance.
I’ve heard women say,
Men, on the other hand, might,
You go from being in love to just co-existing. One day, your partner becomes a roommate.
And often, people whose partners have emotionally detached from them say it seemed to happen suddenly.
It didn’t.
Dr. Kurt, who works with couples dealing with emotional disconnection weekly, puts it this way:
Becoming emotionally detached from your partner is actually extremely common. In fact, it can happen almost automatically if you’re not intentional about preventing it. Partners will drift apart as their relationship matures, the challenges of life impact them, and when they don’t give their relationship the attention it needs. Sometimes, couples are emotionally distant because of a specific incident, such as a fight or cheating. More often than not, they end up there because of relationship neglect. The ‘love is gone’ is how they typically feel, and it’s easy to assume the relationship is over. It doesn’t have to be though.”
Most likely, your realization of the detachment is what’s sudden. Much like Glenn’s quiet house moment, you notice something is “off,” and the calm doesn’t feel comforting – it feels ominous.
Perhaps you’ve noticed,
At first, you might think this is a relief.
You might have been asking yourself,
But that silence? That absence of engagement? It’s not usually a sign of peace – it’s a sign of emotional distance.
If your partner seems to be emotionally withdrawing, don’t ignore it. Take a moment to evaluate whether you’ve seen other signs of detachment.
Some of the classic indicators include:
Not fighting may sound positive, but it can signal a lack of emotional investment. If someone no longer cares enough to react, it may be because they’ve checked out emotionally.
If your spouse used to ask how your day was or cared where you were going but now doesn’t, that’s not necessarily the gift of freedom. It may mean they’ve lost interest in your life and are becoming emotionally detached.
Let’s debunk the myth – No, it’s not normal for women to always be disinterested in sex.
Yes, women often need emotional connection to feel physically intimate, which can mean that if she’s emotionally disconnected, chances are sex isn’t a priority.
Likewise, if your once-affectionate husband avoids intimacy or shuts down your advancements, that can signal emotional disengagement.
Dry spells are normal. Emotional apathy isn’t.
A spouse that’s detaching emotionally from their partner will need other things to focus on. This may mean that they become preoccupied with new activities, work projects, or hobbies. And they probably won’t share much of this with you.
Maybe your wife suddenly has a new best friend, or your husband is always helping a neighbor.
These outside connections may be filling emotional needs that were once met inside your marriage. If the person offering support is of the opposite sex, this can quickly slide into emotional affair territory.
Many couples can sit in comfortable silence together and don’t feel the need to fill the air with small talk. But long stretches of silence, along with the feeling that you have nothing to talk about, isn’t healthy.
Let’s see, no sex, other interests, come and go as you please, communication for necessity only…. Yep, you’re now roommates rather than partners.
Living in the roommate zone is a clear sign of being emotionally detached.
If you’ve been noticing these signs for a while, it’s time to acknowledge there’s a real problem.
Emotional detachment isn’t the root problem – it’s a symptom. It developed over time, likely due to unresolved issues that went ignored.
To effectively address the situation now, you’ll need to begin by working backward.
Start by asking yourself the following questions:
This reflection will help you pinpoint the beginning of the drift. From there, initiate an honest and vulnerable conversation with your spouse.
This isn’t about quick fixes – it’s about opening a door.
Be honest, gentle, and brave enough to say, “I think we’ve grown apart, and I want to understand why.”
Some couples can work through this on their own. Others will need support, like marriage counseling, to sort through the deeper issues.
Emotional detachment means the strong feelings of love that were once present have diminished or been put aside.
Perhaps this occurred as a,
Whatever the reason a spouse has become emotionally detached, it doesn’t necessarily mean that the love is completely gone. Recreating the attachment and feelings that were once present, however, will take work, time, and patience.
Rest assured, it’s not hopeless – things can change.
If you realize the “quiet” you thought you wanted is actually unsettling, it should be a wake-up call.
So, take the first step and re-engage emotionally yourself.
Chances are, if your spouse has emotionally pulled away, you have to.
Start by treating your spouse the way you wish they’d treat you. Let the golden rule guide your next steps.
Because even when emotional distance sets in it’s never too late to close the gap.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published on June 2, 2022 and has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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I told my husband a coworker was talking inappropriately to me and I had to tell my supervisor. After a few minutes I asked if he wanted to know what the guy said and he said sure. I asked why he didn't seem interested and he said it was none of his business. We've been married 31 years. Is his lack of concern normal?
H Maria, Normal? No. Common - more than it should be IMO. Complacency creeps into all relationships if it's not actively countered. This isn't a good sign. I'd address it. -Dr. Kurt
It has been hard for me. Since her hysterectomy 15 years ago we have had zero sex, it was too painful for her. As time moves along she seems more like a roommate rather than a wife. Case in point, she hugs other people but pulls away if I try to hug her. We haven't kissed in years. I still love her. She needs me because she had cancer and I have to do things she can't.
My husband of 27 years and I had a huge fight which resulted in him pressing my neck not squeezing but attempting to hold me down so I don’t get up. It did caused small bruising in my neck. Long story short, he got arrested and in California state I didn’t know if you report him even if I don’t press chargers he will still get arrested and charged. I was only reported it so it was on “record” to protect me from future events. This is the only time he got physically so I decided to give him a chance as we have been together for 27 years. Because I was refusing to give any testimony, they dropped the charges but after that, he kept angrily to himself for a night and the next morning he was ok. But since that night, the energy has shifted. I mean he did spend a night in jail. It feels off. Sex is a performance and hugs and kisses. He said I am imagining it but you can feel the energy. I don’t know what else to do… can’t work on it if he doesn’t