There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
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Part 1 of 3
Wife (crying): “Jerry's cheating on me!”
Friend: “Oh no! I can't believe he's sleeping with someone else! Is it someone from work?”
Wife: “No, it's not physical. He’s not actually sleeping with anyone.”
Friend: “Huh??”
When most people think about a cheating spouse they generally imagine secret, sneaky messages and hotel rooms. But that’s only one way people cheat.
In fact, many spouses who cheat start with an emotional affair before anything becomes physical.
Below is a common scenario for a cheating spouse and how an emotional affair starts. This story is from the article "Could You Be Having an Emotional Affair?" by Gail Saltz, published in The Oprah Magazine. As you read this story, think about how susceptible you might be to becoming a cheating spouse [emphasis added].
A client I'll call Sharon knew that something was missing in her marriage. She and Robert used to be passionate about each other, she said, but after 12 years and two children, she felt removed. Robert never asked her about work or what she was worried about or felt like doing. She was no longer attracted to him, and they rarely spent time alone together. Instead, she threw her energy into raising the children and her job as a paralegal. Life had become bland.
Then there was Todd. He'd been at the law firm longer than Sharon and showed her the ropes. They would discuss complicated cases, and Sharon found his enthusiasm engaging. They'd grab coffee together, and soon coffee became lunch, and lunch led to phone calls and e-mails as their conversations went from professional to deeply personal.
Sharon thought about Todd all the time, and told me she hadn't felt this alive since she and Robert had started dating. While she recognized a crush -- her excitement about seeing him, her pleasure in his jokes, her relief in confiding in someone who got her - she told herself there was nothing wrong with what she was doing because they weren't having sex.
Robert, however, started to notice his wife's coming home later. She was on her cell phone a lot on the weekends, and when he asked who she was talking to, she became evasive. At one point, he complained that they never had sex anymore, that he felt lonely in the marriage, and that he wondered if there was someone else.
Sharon assured Robert, and herself, that she wasn't having an affair. While she felt a little guilty, the thought of giving up Todd, the way he made her feel beautiful and funny and fantastic, was unbearable.
Emotional cheating (with an "office husband," a chat room lover, or a newly appealing ex) steers clear of physical intimacy, but it does involve secrecy, deception, and therefore betrayal. People enmeshed in nonsexual affairs preserve their "deniability," convincing themselves they don't have to change anything. That's where they're wrong. If you think about it, it's the breach of trust, more than the sex, that's the most painful aspect of an affair and, I can tell you from my work as a psychiatrist, the most difficult to recover from.
Few people go looking for an extramarital entanglement. But like Sharon, they might hit a patch where their relationship isn't fun anymore, and they feel isolated and frustrated.
Rather than making a collaborative effort with their partner (and perhaps a couples therapist) to improve it, women in particular often accept that "this is just the way the marriage is."
So while they aren't consciously in the market, they are -
Feeling emotionally empty is a primary driver for emotional affairs but it’s not the only one.
There are other reasons people end up in emotional affairs, and these need to be considered and addressed as well.
There are certain people that require regular, external validation. Their spouses may be loving, devoted, and dedicated to making them happy, but it’s never enough, so they seek even more attention from others.
Someone battling insecurities and their own self-worth is more vulnerable to emotional affairs. Positive affirmation that makes them feel worthy and valued can lead to a connection with someone other than their partner and result in an emotional affair.
When the daily or weekly routine has become so predicable that there’s nothing to look forward to, people may inadvertently seek out connection with others to provide some excitement.
Emotionally charged events like the loss of a loved one, sickness, or accidents can leave people looking for others who understand what they’re feeling.
When that person isn’t a spouse because the spouse hasn’t experienced the same thing, a bond can develop with someone outside the marriage. Ironically, dissatisfaction with your current partner is often a contributing factor too.
Although these relationships begin innocently enough, it’s a slippery slope and can lead to an emotional affair if people aren't careful.
This doesn’t just happen around situations that create strong emotions, however. For example, shared experiences within the workplace are the most common places for an emotional relationship to begin.
These aren’t all the reasons for people entering into an emotional affair, but they are some of the most common.
The reality is emotional affairs can be even more destructive to a marriage than sexual ones, as Dr. Saltz noted earlier.
When the trust, safety, and emotional bond that should be solely shared with a spouse is given to someone else, the damage done is often much harder to repair than a physical relationship.
This makes it even more difficult for a marriage to recover when one spouse has had an emotional affair. And while an emotional affair may not start with a sexual component, it certainly becomes a stronger possibility the longer it continues.
Affairs create what's arguably the most intense feelings of pain and betrayal that a person can experience. An emotional affair is certainly not an exception.
What aspects of Sharon's emotional affair can you relate to? Could you be a cheating spouse and not realize it?
Editor's Note: This post was originally published June 20, 2010, updated November 17, 2020, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
This is the first of three posts examining a cheating spouse. Sign-up for our blog at the bottom of this page and be sure not to miss future posts.
There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
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2 months ago I confronted my wife about my suspicions of her seeing someone. She confessed that all they did was talk. 2 months of anger and sadness, I went into her phone and dicovered that they both have deep emotional feelings for each other. I exploded in an angry tirade, and while fighting she revealed they had sex. That fact is equally damaging as just an emotional affair. I am at my Bros house trying to fight off the anxiety and sleep. I am trying to calm down and present myself to her in a manageable manner. This is the worst pain I have ever felt.
It happened less than six months after my friend got married. She got involved with a colleague and her husband found out and did not confront her for almost 2 months. He is now a broken man. Does not want to speak with anyone about it. But they both need help.
Married 38 years, I discovered my husband was having an emotional affair with a women online. She lived in another country and they talked about meeting and getting married. She knew he had a wife. He was also in to porn. I was shocked to the core!!! The conversations between him and the women devastated me. For far too long things had not gone well between us because, he bullied me and he always put his needs first. I needed surgery and I was living with awful pain. I felt abandoned but he didn't seem to care. Yet, he would tell me he loved me. When I found out about her I went mad at him. I also sent a message to her metaphorically reading her the riot act. I told him in no uncertain terms that he had to stop it or get out. He stayed and all year I feel that both of us are trying to move beyond the incident. I realized it was an emotional affair but the big question was Why? Trying to understand him and get information from him was like trying to get blood out of a stone. He has reassured me multiple times that he is no longer in contact with her and that he does love me but, I'm stuck. I can't move beyond the shock and hurt and I'm now a very suspicious person who checks and checks to see if he is telling me the truth. This incident nearly destroyed our marriage but we both agreed that we love each other and there's still a lot of good in the relationship. However, I don't know if I will ever regain my trust in the relationship. The sense of betrayal is till profound and it has changed me but not for the best. I divorced my previous husband because of an ongoing affair but, this online one has hurt me just as deeply if not more. What next, I ask?
My husband has been texting and sending photos to woman alot younger than him. He tells them lies about himself and sends them videos of himself working out at the gym. He started takimg testostrone and peptides about a year ago and has become a totally different person thaen what I knew. I am divorcing him
After 23 years. He has become totally delusional.so very sad and heartbreakimg. I reall love him.