5 Min Read

Contents

• What Makes One Spouse Want Divorce
• Your Spouse Wants Divorce
• How To Respond To Talk Of Divorce
• Takeaways When Your Husband Wants A Divorce
• Readers Share What They Think

A common scenario in troubled marriages is one spouse wanting to end it while the other wants to stay together. I counseled a couple recently where the husband wants divorce, and the wife doesn’t.

This is frequently the case in marriage counseling. In fact, each week I work with multiple couples facing the same problem.

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It's important to note that it's not always the husband who wants a divorce, it may just as easily be the wife who wants to leave.

But if I were counting, my guess is that more often than not it’s the wife asking what to do when your husband wants a divorce and you don’t.

What Makes One Spouse Want Divorce?

There are many things that can send a couple down the path to divorce. Fortunately, being on that path doesn’t mean the final destination has to be divorce.

A frequent pattern in struggling relationships is partners having allowed themselves to drift apart until one or both believes the marriage can’t be fixed and therefore must end.

Both men and women are equally guilty of doing this.

When growing feelings of discontent are ignored for a long time and aren't dealt with the damage not only continues but it also compounds.

We have become disconnected emotionally and physically. Now my husband wants a divorce. He feels that there are fundamental and irreconcilable differences that make us incompatible." -Rachel

At this broken stage an easy explanation is that we have "irreconcilable differences."

This vague rationale is often a convenient justification for a decision that’s already been made – "I'm done."

This phrase is pretty conclusive too – the differences that exist can’t be made compatible. In other words, this relationship can’t be fixed.

Compounding this situation is the typical poor communication between partners, which only makes discussing their differences even more difficult.

Lack of communication often begins as couples get busy with work, family, or just life. Unfortunately, the longer it goes on the more it seems “normal" and becomes just another irreconcilable difference.

Your Spouse Wants Divorce

If you’re a wife dealing with a husband who wants a divorce (or husband whose wife wants a divorce), it’s important to recognize that there can be a lot of factors influencing this decision.

Here's one couples' predicament that reveals a few of them:

I have been married for 6 years, and known my husband for over 12 years. Things haven't been that great for a while, and currently, I am living away (not divorced or officially separated yet) from my husband (for about 10 months), and he does not want us to get back together. My husband wants divorce, but I do not. He says he has not seen any personal growth all these years together, does not 'feel' it anymore, and finds us to be two right people absolutely wrong for each other with all the arguments (he absolutely hates them!). Currently, he is getting a lot of spiritual guidance from his younger sister, he meditates (although he still gets enraged and frustrated whenever I try to reason something or want something from him for my comfort or benefit) and also guidance from his divorced friends. He says he is at peace now, and does not want to move in together (as said above - doesn't 'feel' it anymore) even though he does acknowledge that we are creatures of habits, and can work on our differences. My husband also has an alcoholic father, but does not wish to explore if there is any remote chance he needs help with his anger problems because of some growing up issues. Given all this, I am really not sure what must I do. I try to keep my emotions in check, but I am not gonna deny that they do slip out once in a while, and he does show one off odd sign sometime that he cares." -Lillian

Nick wants divorce and Lillian doesn't.

Their separation has already affected their potential for reconciliation – ranging from making it easier to stay apart to them both realizing what they're going to lose.

This creates a confusing mix of thoughts and emotions that make it hard to see what the next step should be.

I regularly have partners ask me, “Is divorce the answer?” or “Is divorce the right thing to do?”

Nick says he,

• "Does not 'feel' it anymore"
• Believes they're "Wrong for each other"

and justifies these sentiments with their difficulty getting along. This makes it easy for him to conclude that they're incompatible and shouldn't be married.

Something else influencing his desire for divorce is likely the guidance he's getting from well-meaning family and friends.

Unfortunately, like all of us, these people are also biased and jaded by their own experiences and aren’t able to give him the best divorce advice.

How To Respond To Talk Of Divorce

Every person who’s contemplating divorce struggles with the question of whether or not it’s the right decision.

Most likely, Nick is very confused and uncertain about what he wants to do, despite telling Lillian he wants to divorce.

So, if you're like Lillian and your husband wants divorce, what do you do?

Here are a couple of points to keep in mind if you’re in a similar situation:

1. Don't panic or overreact. Your marriage is a long way from being over, despite what your partner says or how you feel. It’s important to remain calm so you’re able to think clearly and are ready for meaningful conversation about how you got here and what to do next.
2. When your husband says he wants a divorce it's a warning sign that change is needed. If you choose to hear it as an alarm sounding the need for change it can actually be an opportunity, not a deathblow.
3. Divorce is often talked about a lot before it's ever acted on. Too many partners say they want a divorce in the midst of a heated argument or when they’ve become overly emotional. This doesn’t mean you ignore the statement – it’s still a sign that something has to change – but it also doesn’t mean the right thing to do is to retain a divorce lawyer.
4. In many states it takes a minimum of 6 months to get divorced, and most divorces actually take 1-2 years to finish. So, despite what might be said or threatened, your marriage won't be over for quite a while, and that’s if you actually get to the process of divorcing.
5. People can change their minds after moving out or when in the middle of a divorce. I've seen it happen many times. In fact, some partners’ regret starting the divorce process after starting it.
6. Be very careful about where you get your guidance. Everyone has an opinion and some kind of experience with divorce, but only the professionals can be objective and give you the healthy perspective you need for dealing with such a big decision.
7. Small changes make big differences. Nick hates the arguments, so he and Lillian should learn better communication skills, so they can avoid fighting. You don’t have to leave when things aren’t working, instead you can put effort into fixing what’s broken.

Takeaways When Your Husband Wants A Divorce

When your husband wants a divorce it doesn't have to mean it's the end of your marriage. Sure, it could be, but I hear men say this every week and many of them never follow through with it.

And most of those who do take a long time to complete the process of finalizing the divorce.

However, if you can see your husband wanting divorce as an opportunity, you could actually save your marriage and possibly make it better than it's ever been.

Editor's Note: This post was originally published May 11, 2017, updated on April 12, 2022 and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.

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