Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
5 Min Read
Contents
Porn has become more and more acceptable in our culture.
Sitcoms make fun of it and comedians’ joke about it like it's a normal thing all guys do.
Men tell their partners when they get caught that,
"Every guy does it . . . it's a guy thing."
But porn side effects are never mentioned along with these endorsements.
Yes, there are side effects to porn, and they're not good ones either.
Porn should come with something like the Surgeon General's warning on cigarette packages.
"Yes, most men watch porn, but porn comes with side effects that can and will harm."
Many of you are probably thinking,
What's so bad about porn? It’s no big deal.”
That’s a common misconception. There are actually many not-so-obvious side effects that cause big problems – and not just for the person viewing it.
Most men who watch porn assume that it’s harmless to both them and their partner. In fact, some consider it helpful when it comes to spicing things up in the bedroom or use porn to masturbate and take the place of sex altogether.
The reality, however, is that porn has a major impact on the intimacy in a relationship and trust between partners.
Want proof?
Take a look at these messages from women whose men are doing what supposedly "every guy" does, looking at porn. See if you can see any connections between their concerns and porn.
(By the way, I get messages like these every day from women all around the world, so if you think it's only a couple of women stuck in the 1950s who have a problem with porn, you're wrong.)
Hi my name is Ashley and my husband is Chris we been married for 1 year and our marriage is great except when we are around other women he stares and looks everywhere at them. I just don't know what to do, he's gotta stop, it's getting out of control. We've talked about it several times and he saying he will change, but it's not working. What can I do or what can he do to stop this? He says he don't know why he does it and he wants to stop, but he can't. Please help us. We want this marriage to work so bad we are very much in love, but need to fix this problem ASAP. Please get back to us so we know what to do thank you." -Ashley
Ashley's husband, Chris, likes to look at other women. That's a pretty normal "guy thing," right?
But how come it's so out of control?
And why can't he stop, or at least do it less, especially when his marriage is on the line?
Hmmm. Could this be a porn side effect?
My husband of 26 years does occasional porn on the internet and likes to look at lots of sex stuff. He also talks about having me and another guy have sex while he watches. I am not really into that scene, but he can't understand why. We hardly ever have sex anymore that he isn't pretending or fantasizing that I am with someone else. I don't know what to do to make him understand fantasy and reality." -Kristine D.
Kristine's husband has developed some sexual desires that make her uncomfortable.
It's common for men and women to have different sexual interests, as well as different sex drives. As a result, sex is a source of conflict in many relationships.
However, I'd argue that Kristine's husband's fantasy of watching her have sex with another man is an unhealthy sexual interest, and one not that's good for their relationship either.
A few years ago I counseled a separated couple who’d done something similar in their past.
This guy had a fantasy of being with two women at once and convinced his wife to go along. So, on a trip to Las Vegas he hired a prostitute, and they had a threesome.
Years later during counseling it came out that she never really wanted to participate, but went along to make him happy. This act became one of several cancers that ate away at their relationship and ultimately destroyed it.
These are just a few clear examples of how the side effects of porn can be harmful and not as obvious as one might think.
Not convinced?
Wondering if there are any other side effects of porn?
Take a look below and see if any of these sounds familiar.
Porn,
We all know that men are wired to have this tendency to begin with, but porn takes the desire to look at other women and puts it on steroids.
Men who watch porn typically think about the women they see day-to-day in ways they’ve seen women in porn. I'd bet that Ashley's husband Chris can't stop looking at other women because he's also regularly looking at porn or has in the recent past.
Porn is all about fantasy – it is fantasy and it encourages the viewer to fantasize even more
For most of us there’s a clear difference between fantasy and reality. But porn can make men think that what they see in porn is a possibility.
These fantasies can rob men of the joy of sex and intimacy with their own partners.
Sex is an intimate act between a man and a woman. Porn warps our minds and creates desires outside of this design.
Kristine's husband's desire to watch her having sex with someone else clearly arises from watching porn where he sees women have sex with other men. Now he wants to take that fantasy and apply it in his real life.
Porn destroys intimacy, trust, and the sacredness of the commitment between two people.
There’s actually scientific proof for what those of us treating it's effects have known for years – porn leads to severe relationship problems.
Although not ingested or injected, porn acts like a drug in the brain.
Even the most well-intentioned men who truly value their partners and want to quit, often struggle mightily when they want to stop watching porn.
Porn addiction is a real problem and can be difficult to overcome without professional help.
Yes, as counterintuitive as it may seem, porn can cause men to have issues getting and maintaining an erection.
This is not a problem of physical origin, but one caused by the way porn rewires the brain and the psychological changes that porn creates.
Much like a drug, the more porn you watch the more you need to become aroused and satisfied.
This translates directly to the bedroom.
Many men eventually find it nearly impossible to perform sexually without the assistance of porn as a stimulant.
This is not meant to be a complete list of porn side effects, but describes several of the most significant ones, as well as those seen in the two relationships described above.
Although the side effects of porn can be hard to spot initially, those described above are indisputable and regularly observed in relationships where porn is a factor.
Porn clearly isn't as harmless as many people want to believe. And as porn becomes more socially acceptable, it's very important that the negative effects become better known too.
Of course, the best way to avoid the problems associated with porn is to never watch it at all.
Sadly, however, most men and many women regularly watch or have at least been exposed to porn. If the problems above sound familiar there is hope and help, however – you need to be ready to accept it.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published September 30, 2014, updated on July 21, 2020, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
Wondering if Porn Is Cheating? Find out what psychology experts say about whether Porn Is Cheating.
Breaking a porn addiction isn’t easy. Learn how to handle relapses here.
© 2025 Guy Stuff Counseling & Coaching, APC, All Rights Reserved.
Privacy Policy | Sitemap | Do Not Sell or Share My Information
Featured logos are trademarks of their respective owners.
Hi Kurt. I need advice: Walked in on my husband and his laptop when I had to come home unexpectedly. We've been married for 33 years and I NEVER suspected this. He's never ogled over other women, has always been excited to have sex with me (and still does) and never talked about other women to me or any other guys. Because this incident ripped my heart out, I'm having PTSD symptoms. I'm becoming hypervigilant and ruminating. I've breached all ethics by spying on him, checking his phone and computer, considered even keystroke hardware and hidden cameras.
I believe from my findings that this is occasional porn use, but my fear is that it will become addictive. How will I know if we need counseling?
Laura, You need professional counseling for 2 reasons -- 1) It's how you can put a plan in place to ensure it stops and doesn't reoccur. Without this it most likely will happen again. 2) You have been really negatively impacted and need some help resolving that. Please get some support for yourself. -Kurt
I'm not sure what to do. I've read a lot of the comments. This is my story and advice on t would help me. I've been married for 15years and together for 18. I first found porn stuff when we where planning our wedding. It hurt me and my self-esteem greatly, then again years later, he got better at hiding things from me. Then I found a site on my computer for ppl to meet up and have affairs. He had made a account but told me he never talked to anyone. Of course if never really trusted him because he never tells me the whole truth. Then another time I got a letter in th mail saying he was cheating on me. Of course said he wasn't. Then he got a txt from a associate he works with wife. I told him to have her call but when he answered the phone his first words are u where talking to my wife. Resently I grabbed his phone on our way to a wake to use the browser and porn can right up when I pushed the button. This has been stretched out over the years all of these thing and Other then porn I never have any evidence that he is cheating. He won't confess to anything unless I have proof and even getting him to talk to me honestly about that is like pulling teeth. I love him dearly but I'm tired of this stuff. With this porn on his phone I found out he was releasing himself to it before he leaves the driveway in the morning. I'm right inside in bed I even AsK to have sex before he leaves and he won't with me cause he has to gt to work He says but has time for porn and a private feel good in the driveway. Please tell me what u think honestly. Thank you
Joela, Sorry, but this statement doesn't sound true based on what you wrote - "Other then porn I never have any evidence that he is cheating." I think you need to be honest with yourself about the reality of your relationship. -Kurt
you so u think he is cheating? I know porn is cheating but he makes it like it's no big Deal. So doesn't society. He says he will get counseling but I'm not holding my breath. I'm having a hard time with it because I know everyone will say u can't get a divorce its just porn.
How is porn the only evidence you got when you said that you got a letter from someone saying gee cheating on you?
But if he's watching porn then he's cheating, especially if you're not okay with it. It creates lust and lust is cheating in the heart. Read Matthew 5:27-28 in the Bible.
Hi Kurt,i really need your help!
Im with my boyfriend for 5 years, and we are leaving together for 2 months.I found out that he is addicted to porn, and now he cant have sex with me without look the porn in the same time,Im very pretty,with a beautiful body,but this doesn't mean nothing to him.what should I do? Please help me!Thank you!
Gpsy, This is another side effect of porn watching. You need to insist that he gets professional counseling help. And if he won't, then go by yourself. This only gets worse - believe me. -Kurt
Hi,
I need some help knowing how to deal with a family member.
My brother in-law has a porn addiction, but in my opinion it has gone way beyond that!
Several years ago he lost a job due to watching porn on his work computer, after that he told my sister he would quit, but he never went to counseling and my sister let it go.
Over the past few years my nieces (my brother's girls) have blossomed into beautiful teenagers who also aren't extremely modest with how they dress. We've all noticed that he is kinda obsessed with them and at family get togethers takes tons of pictures of them. My sister brought it up once and he dismissed it as "he connects better with teenagers and feels more comfortable around them than everyone else in the family". Once again my sister just let it go.
Awhile back he tried to get my 17yr old niece to date his 35yr old friend who is also very pervy. My niece was hanging out with them, they ended up staying the night at his friend's house and they were watching porn with her in the room. My niece told me about it, I told my sister, and she didn't believe my niece.
Recently he added me on Snapchat and being new to Snapchat he didn't realize that when he takes a screenshot it sends a notification to the person. Every time I would load a picture of myself he would take a screenshot of it. I brought it up to my sister and she told me to keep adding pictures and see what happens. It continued. I snap a lot of other things too, but he only takes a screenshot when it is a picture of me. I also would take a screenshot of his screenshot and save the picture so my sister could see exactly what it was. I was disgusted and of course my husband is livid and would like to "discuss" it with him with a baseball bat!
My sister finally starting looking through his phone which took awhile to accomplish because it was password protected.
She found tons of videos of porn, but she also discovered tons of locked files that she can't access such as, pictures, videos, downloads, and screenshots.
She decided that before confronting him about it she would talk to a counselor about the best way to approach the subject. The counselor is a general family counselor, she does not specialize in addictions. The counselor's advice was that if she wanted to save her marriage she needed to stop talking to me because I'm a bad influence to their marriage. She failed to tell the counselor about the pictures of my nieces. In terms of the locked files the counselor didn't think that she should make any demands. This extends to no demands made in regards to social media etc. I am pissed! If it was "just" a porn addiction I would view it as their problem and none of my business, however in my opinion if he is downloading pictures of personal friends and family, including teenagers, it needs addressed. If he wasn't concerned to hide the videos of actual porn (some of which was so bad my sister gagged) then what the heck are in the locked files! He is on the praise team at their church, works with the youth group, and chaperones youth group trips. If that's not bad enough they also live AT a school!
My parents are also very upset at this, but my dad has put his foot down and said that as a family we just need to support my sister.
I am having a very hard time facing him at family functions knowing that he has pictures of me and my nieces. I feel like it's not ok to just sweep this under the rug. Am I majorly over reacting? Should I just butt out? I also have daughters who are almost teenagers and I have a huge problem with them being around him.
I just don't know how to deal with this because I don't want everyone to view me as the bad guy, and I really don't want to be smack dab in the middle of a family feud.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Charlene, I hear your concerns, but I think you do have to back off. It's not your problem to solve, it's your sister's. It's easy to have info like this and for our minds to go to extremes about what's happening when we don't have enough facts to support those suspicions, so be very careful. Keep in mind that anything any of us posts in social media is out there for anyone to do anything with it they like. I'd watch your children around him and leave it at that until you have more facts. Talk to a professional counselor who deals with these issues where you live if you think something is reportable regarding your niece or other kids. -Kurt
im my last relationship porn was a HUGE problem. also so was cheating. this led me to being very insecure about my self. i couldnt be what he desired. i couldnt be okay with him watching porn. it did lead to lies and cheating. i felt my whole relationship was based on a lie. that relationship ended very badly and me and Corey still cant get along, its very hard to even be civil for him for our son. he is now married to another woman within a year and i moved on as well and am in a new relationship. and i mention my past relationship because i know where this insecurity started. Corey would go in the bathroom on his laptop for 30 to 45 min at a time then it turned into his cell phone when smart phones came about. i have a phobia of my new guy going into the bathroom with his phone. i got pregnant with Michael and we now have a 2 month old little girl whom i love so much. while i was pregnant i was miserable and i was also low on iron so i was super tired. i did most of the house work and i worked 45 hours a week while i also paid most of the bills, mainly the only ones he paid was his car car insurance and phone. i had alot of stress about how i would pay the bills while on maternity leave (witch im catching up on now cause none were paid). i didnt have much of a sex drive while pregnant. i couldnt help it i was so tired after the day was up all i wanted to do was sleep, sometimes i didnt even want to shower i was so tired or hurting. i know this made him feel unloved and that i wasnt attracted to him and i tried explaining to him how i was feeling and what was going on with my hormones but it wouldnt sway his feelings about why i didnt feel like having sex. well he knows my past with corey and how he made me feel so low about myself and he knew about coreys porn addiction. i found porn on his phone the night before my birthday. i feel just as bad now as i did when i was with corey and i dont know what to do. i feel used. after i had my csection i couldnt have sex for 6 weeks. we had sex once after the 6 weeks was up and it hurt so bad. so we havent done it again since. ive caught him in lies before about the silliest things and once he was texting a girl he went to school with and hiding the messages (he would find it cheating if i had done that) the text that she had sent was sneak out or im going to come get you. and naturally you could see where i took this situation in my head. he still wont admit that he had planned to go see her after in the messages that i made her send me said that he wanted to see her and he said shed flip if she knew we was texting but i wont say anything. that was when i was 7 almost 8 months pregnant. he says they were just friends and nothing ever had happened with them in the past. but if that were the case why would he hide it from me? most of the stuff i read here tells me what i already know and how i feel personally. but its still not providing the answer i need. am i at fault for him looking in other places to find sex? personally i dont want to have sex with him now, i feel disgusted and self conscious about myself. how do i fix this problem, i dont want it to lead down the road i went through with Corey again. i promised id never allow myself to feel so down and horrible about myself and honestly if im financially taking care of him and my whole family right now with very minimal help from him and thats also a fight between us and when im upset with him i also dont feel like having sex with him. i feel like im being used. whats your opinion on my situation with Micahel? am i in the wrong because i dont feel sexually arroused as much as he does or i dont want to do it because i feel that im being used? he swears up and down that its not the case and i really hate to believe that he actually is using me. i dont know how to take the porn? i really have alot more issues than just porn obviously but to me it all goes into one category and that is my relationship, trust, lies, cheating? i dont know what to believe anymore? Corey had me so brainwashed and i feel like im starting to slip back into that routine. i was so depressed and i dont want my life to go back down that road. please Help me? how do i fix this? how do i make michael and my relationship better? I find myself pushing him away and questioning everything he says or everywhere he goes.
Chasty, You've got a lot more going on here than just porn. It seems like one thing that underlies much of what you describe is trust. Start by focusing on how you both are building or destroying trust with each other. You may need a professional counselor to help discuss this and find solutions. -Kurt