Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
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Porn has become more and more acceptable in our culture.
Sitcoms make fun of it and comedians’ joke about it like it's a normal thing all guys do.
Men tell their partners when they get caught that,
"Every guy does it . . . it's a guy thing."
But porn side effects are never mentioned along with these endorsements.
Yes, there are side effects to porn, and they're not good ones either.
Porn should come with something like the Surgeon General's warning on cigarette packages.
"Yes, most men watch porn, but porn comes with side effects that can and will harm."
Many of you are probably thinking,
What's so bad about porn? It’s no big deal.”
That’s a common misconception. There are actually many not-so-obvious side effects that cause big problems – and not just for the person viewing it.
Most men who watch porn assume that it’s harmless to both them and their partner. In fact, some consider it helpful when it comes to spicing things up in the bedroom or use porn to masturbate and take the place of sex altogether.
The reality, however, is that porn has a major impact on the intimacy in a relationship and trust between partners.
Want proof?
Take a look at these messages from women whose men are doing what supposedly "every guy" does, looking at porn. See if you can see any connections between their concerns and porn.
(By the way, I get messages like these every day from women all around the world, so if you think it's only a couple of women stuck in the 1950s who have a problem with porn, you're wrong.)
Hi my name is Ashley and my husband is Chris we been married for 1 year and our marriage is great except when we are around other women he stares and looks everywhere at them. I just don't know what to do, he's gotta stop, it's getting out of control. We've talked about it several times and he saying he will change, but it's not working. What can I do or what can he do to stop this? He says he don't know why he does it and he wants to stop, but he can't. Please help us. We want this marriage to work so bad we are very much in love, but need to fix this problem ASAP. Please get back to us so we know what to do thank you." -Ashley
Ashley's husband, Chris, likes to look at other women. That's a pretty normal "guy thing," right?
But how come it's so out of control?
And why can't he stop, or at least do it less, especially when his marriage is on the line?
Hmmm. Could this be a porn side effect?
My husband of 26 years does occasional porn on the internet and likes to look at lots of sex stuff. He also talks about having me and another guy have sex while he watches. I am not really into that scene, but he can't understand why. We hardly ever have sex anymore that he isn't pretending or fantasizing that I am with someone else. I don't know what to do to make him understand fantasy and reality." -Kristine D.
Kristine's husband has developed some sexual desires that make her uncomfortable.
It's common for men and women to have different sexual interests, as well as different sex drives. As a result, sex is a source of conflict in many relationships.
However, I'd argue that Kristine's husband's fantasy of watching her have sex with another man is an unhealthy sexual interest, and one not that's good for their relationship either.
A few years ago I counseled a separated couple who’d done something similar in their past.
This guy had a fantasy of being with two women at once and convinced his wife to go along. So, on a trip to Las Vegas he hired a prostitute, and they had a threesome.
Years later during counseling it came out that she never really wanted to participate, but went along to make him happy. This act became one of several cancers that ate away at their relationship and ultimately destroyed it.
These are just a few clear examples of how the side effects of porn can be harmful and not as obvious as one might think.
Not convinced?
Wondering if there are any other side effects of porn?
Take a look below and see if any of these sounds familiar.
Porn,
We all know that men are wired to have this tendency to begin with, but porn takes the desire to look at other women and puts it on steroids.
Men who watch porn typically think about the women they see day-to-day in ways they’ve seen women in porn. I'd bet that Ashley's husband Chris can't stop looking at other women because he's also regularly looking at porn or has in the recent past.
Porn is all about fantasy – it is fantasy and it encourages the viewer to fantasize even more
For most of us there’s a clear difference between fantasy and reality. But porn can make men think that what they see in porn is a possibility.
These fantasies can rob men of the joy of sex and intimacy with their own partners.
Sex is an intimate act between a man and a woman. Porn warps our minds and creates desires outside of this design.
Kristine's husband's desire to watch her having sex with someone else clearly arises from watching porn where he sees women have sex with other men. Now he wants to take that fantasy and apply it in his real life.
Porn destroys intimacy, trust, and the sacredness of the commitment between two people.
There’s actually scientific proof for what those of us treating it's effects have known for years – porn leads to severe relationship problems.
Although not ingested or injected, porn acts like a drug in the brain.
Even the most well-intentioned men who truly value their partners and want to quit, often struggle mightily when they want to stop watching porn.
Porn addiction is a real problem and can be difficult to overcome without professional help.
Yes, as counterintuitive as it may seem, porn can cause men to have issues getting and maintaining an erection.
This is not a problem of physical origin, but one caused by the way porn rewires the brain and the psychological changes that porn creates.
Much like a drug, the more porn you watch the more you need to become aroused and satisfied.
This translates directly to the bedroom.
Many men eventually find it nearly impossible to perform sexually without the assistance of porn as a stimulant.
This is not meant to be a complete list of porn side effects, but describes several of the most significant ones, as well as those seen in the two relationships described above.
Although the side effects of porn can be hard to spot initially, those described above are indisputable and regularly observed in relationships where porn is a factor.
Porn clearly isn't as harmless as many people want to believe. And as porn becomes more socially acceptable, it's very important that the negative effects become better known too.
Of course, the best way to avoid the problems associated with porn is to never watch it at all.
Sadly, however, most men and many women regularly watch or have at least been exposed to porn. If the problems above sound familiar there is hope and help, however – you need to be ready to accept it.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published September 30, 2014, updated on July 21, 2020, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
Wondering if Porn Is Cheating? Find out what psychology experts say about whether Porn Is Cheating.
Breaking a porn addiction isn’t easy. Learn how to handle relapses here.
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If it were Ashley trying to change her jealousy for Chris she probably wouldn't find it any easier to break her mental habits. People are much happier when they accept themselves and find partners who they can accept rather than ask for change. Changing is difficult at best when you want to do it. And likely impossible if you don't. Societal norms pressure people to say they want to change because they feel it's expected of them. Better to be true to oneself.
Ryuna, You're right that change is difficult, but behavior is always changeable. And unloving, disrespectful behavior is wrong regardless of societal norms. I don't believe any of us should accept it. -Kurt
Does porn Addiction lead to cheating? Or does cheating lead to porn?
Joela, Yes, porn addiction can lead to cheating, but it doesn't always. It's also important to realize that porn is a form of cheating. The reverse can happen too, but typically it's the former. -Kurt
Thing is, "being true to oneself" applies to aspects of one's personality that are healthy and don't harm others.
By the logic in your comment, drug addicts should "be true to themselves" in spite of the personal health impact and family issues caused thereby. For all intents and purposes, this porn addiction is analogous, as it causes distressing personal addiction and strains the marriage.
The habit of porn use has changed the subject from his initial state, and through the formation of this habit has altered him. Thus, porn -- not the choice to avoid it -- is responsible for him being untrue to himself, and avoidance presents the opportunity to reclaim both his initial state and the marriage.
Also, change is as easy as simply avoiding an action. As a young man, I have experienced similar struggles to those of Chris. Never underestimate the ability to quit. All it takes is recognition -- the subject is aware that he is actually ogling women -- and action thereon -- benign distractions are easy to find; I snap my glance to the nearest bit of writing and read it.
Of course it takes effort to shift one's glance, but one's marriage is worthy of this simple effort.
P.S. By marrying her, Ashley's husband made a commitment to her; his actions are of an order that makes her jealousy proportional (or even understated). As such, Ashley's jealousy does not warrant change. Her husband's actions are not appropriate, and they do warrant change.
Anonymous, Thanks for sharing your experience. Many men don't find it quite as easy to change as you have. It's still possible, but it takes more work and help. -Kurt
Anonymous your response to Ryuna was the best I have seen in response to an addicts rationalizations of their actions I have read. It will help me a great deal in my responses and reaction to my husbands attacks on me when we are confronting his issues. His severe addiction, one collection was fourteen thousand pictures, most downloaded at work, some possibly illegal, put me in a position to either leave or try to get him help. For 12 years when confronted he would rationalize it and attack me, sometimes violently, going so far as to blame me. He has admitted a problem but I think is still in denial of how severe it is and the real damage it causes and caused to him and our marriage. He is the poster child of their description of how a sex addict behaves and a perfect example of why. I still do not know if our marriage is salvageable, I may hate him and be repulsed too much to stay in the end. But the fact remanes he needs major help before he ends up in jail for molestation or something else.
Marie, Thank you for sharing your experience. You give some insight for others about how crazy the addiction can get. You're most likely right on about the denial -- that's usually one of the last things to change. Get some professional counseling help (by someone who treats porn addiction) with or without him. This is a bigger problem that most likely either of you really realizes. -Kurt
I am going through a very painful experience of my partner hiding a porn addiction. He deletes his history so I found a program that would show me what I was already afraid of. On top of viewing multiple porn sites he saved pictures of women to his computer. I know this has been going on since long before I met him. It truly makes me feel like I don't offer enough, inadequate. Boys we want to feel special. Like we really are the only women you need.....
Just Me, His history of doing this long before you came along is very common. It still doesn't make it okay. Get some professional help learning how to set limits with him, help him change his longstanding habit, and not take this on personally (it's really hard not to). -Kurt
its not just you. I found the love of my life and I feel like filth and dirt. One, I know what's going on with him watching porn, saving porn and pics and two I feel like I am worthless and nothing.
I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now we live together and want to get married but there's a problem. He can't stop looking at women. At first we had issues with porn once I saw he had so much of it he would do it on a daily basis. I asked him about it to try to understand why he felt the need to watch that. We have always had alot of sex multiple times a day almost every day and im pretty attractive petite curvy. So I just wanted to understand but he told me he didn't know why. I asked him to please stop because its an addiction. At first he was in denial told me every guy does it but later he accepted it and tried to stop it was hard bt he went from doing it on a daily basis to few times a month to once a month and now hasnt for 3 momonths (that i kknow of) anyways all this has made me very insecure and has changed me a bit .another thing is he tends to look at women alot .like he wont even realize it and he'll be staring at someone's ass or boobs. His job requires him to see office women on the daily so that makes me kind of jealous . I just don't want him to be looking at women it hurts me alot I had confidence before all this I get checked out alot but that doesnt do anything because I just want his attention and its on other women. He tells me he stopped doing that and he loves me which I know he loves me but I don't know if I can stay with the lies and porn and women..things need to change . I need advice on how to stop being insecure and jealous. I really need advice on this situation I feel as if I tell anyone they will think im overreacting . But I know im not because it makes me unhappy and my boyfriend wants to stop too but we don't know what to do
Ruby, It doesn't sound like you're overreacting. Insecurity and jealousy typically disappear when there's trusting behavior being practiced by both partners. He may need to speak with a professional counselor like myself to learn how to truly stop for certain. He can read the other posts on this blog regarding Porn Addiction to get started. -Kurt
Ruby E. I understand well how you feel and a bit of what you are going through. I can tell you that if I knew then what I know now, I would never have married my husband. If I had thought for one nano second that a fetish with porn magazines that disappeared after we got married would turn into a full blown Internet porn and cybersex addiction among other things I would never have married my husband at all. It's a cancer that slowly but surely destroys so much of who you are and what and how you feel about yourself.
The fact of matter is no matter what he says to you to placate you porn addicts are master manipulators and liars. The only thing they truly love and care for is their collection of pornography, pictures of other women, and the joy and arousal they get from hunting and stalking women on the internet if the internet happens to be their choice of porn methods.
Maybe you need to save yourself the heartache and get out now before more damage is done. I stayed for more than 12 years and almost paid with my life.
Marie, You're describing the characteristics of addiction -- "porn addicts are master manipulators and liars. The only thing they truly love and care for is their collection of pornography." People are not born addicts, they learn to become addicts, and they can unlearn to be addicts and stop doing these characteristics too. Not everyone does, but many do. I help men learn how every day. -Kurt
Kurt I appreciate this site and all that you're doing. I don't want to go into details but I would love to know how you could help my husband to overcome this and if you do things online with couples or anything like that. This is the hardest thing I've ever dealt with in my life, and I want to find healing for both of us. 😔
Rachel, I appreciate the kind words and that you want to reach out for help. I do counseling & coaching by phone, Skype, and Google Hangout. You can learn more by clicking the Services link at the top of this page. -Kurt
Can anyone help me? I started porn when I was 13 and can't stop. I am too ashamed to talk to anyone. My father does it too but he doesn't care. I don't have a girlfriend and I never have, that's kind of why I started.
I am facing the same issue. Since having the internet turned off with no access to "porn" my partner has had a massive decrease in his attraction to me. We decided to turn it off to help his addiction but now there is no sexual attraction at all! It seemed that while we had the internet on it was different we had sex on more than one occasion. However a few times I would clean around the computer and found "used tissues" with his spunk on it. Its disgusting!! I am devastated because as I was looking in the planner on foxtel it seemed that he was recording world movies that are R rated to feed his addiction. He has admitted a few times that he may be addicted but avoids the discussion all together. He even had the guts to tell me that while I was pregnant with our first child he only came to the regular GP appointments because he saw the doctors nip slip and since had multiple fantasies about her. So that makes me feel that the only reason he was attending them with me was not to hear the baby's heart beat but instead to check her out. I am his first sexual partner could this be why he has become so bored with me? Even while the girls are at day care he seems to sleep all day and spends no time with me whatsoever. What should I do? I really need help. Thanks 🙁 🙁
Please help I was stuck in a similar situation with my husbands porn addiction and to be honest with you I don't think there really isn't anything you can do until he admits he has a problem. Continuing to put up with it is allowing him to degrade and use you as a surrogate for his fantasies. Since he seems to have little to no interest in you unless he's been looking at porn it sounds like that's exactly what he's doing. You have to ask yourself if you can live with that. Can you live your life and be committed to someone that has no respect or love for you and is imagining someone else every time he touches you? Don't you deserve better than that? Do you want your children growing up with an example like that to learn and follow? Is that fair to set them up for failure in their relationships like that and learn early that women have little value as anything more than a sex object for men to use?
If you don't want to live that way or be with someone like that don't you owe it to yourself to confront the issue head on with him and demand change at the very least counseling? If he denies the problem or refuses to get help then you know where you stand and what steps to take.
I don't believe there's ever a perfect relationship but every woman deserves honesty, integrity, and respect from their spouse or partner. Whether it is in the bedroom or with life issues in general. Be true to yourself, and if he really loves you he'll do what he needsto to keep you and he'll be honest about it.
I can tell you from personal experience text baI can tell you from personal experience to expect anger at first and it might take him a little time to figure it out. Don't give in, because he's hoping you'll cave and let him keep doing what he's doing.
Marie, Great advice and tough questions. Thanks for sharing. Agree with you totally on this one: "every woman deserves honesty, integrity, and respect from their spouse or partner" (and I would say the same goes for men from their partner). -Kurt
Please, What you describe is not that unusual. But it does sound like there's more going on with him than just porn. I'd talk to his doctor or a professional counselor. -Kurt