You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
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Contents
We’ve all experienced loneliness at one time or another. That feeling is one of the worst pains we can experience. What’s even worse, however, is feeling lonely and alone when you’re in a relationship.
Being in a relationship is supposed to make you happy and provide you with a sense of companionship - the opposite of feeling alone and lonely.
Sadly, for many, this isn’t the case.
So, the contradiction of feeling alone while in a relationship can cause confusion, discontent, and even hopelessness.
If we can’t feel connected in a relationship with someone who’s supposed to love us, then what hope is there that we’ll ever not feel alone?
Check out this post I wrote as an illustration.
Feeling alone in a relationship isn’t just a problem - it's also a call to action.
It's a warning sign that something's wrong and needs to be fixed. Too often, however, loneliness is ignored and accepted as normal.
I find that most people accept feeling lonely in their relationship way too long. Many assume that it’s a phase and it will change over time.
That’s almost never the case. Typically, it only gets worse.
At first, it may not even look or feel like you're alone. Many chalk it up to,
But over time these individual problems begin to add up, multiply, and become a generalized feeling about the relationship as a whole.
It's really important that we're proactive about addressing problems in our relationships.
Just like it's not smart to ignore the engine warning light on the dash of your car, the same goes to the warning signs at home. We all know that if we disregard that dash light it'll cost us more later on.
Feeling lonely is less about being physically alone and more about the quality of the connection you have with your partner.
If you’re in a relationship and feeling lonely, it’s likely that what you‘re really missing is a feeling of trust and understanding that comes with a close emotional connection.
Sadly, long-term relationships are prone to this.
People assume the love they shared at the beginning is enough to sustain them and keep them close forever.
Unfortunately, this just isn’t true.
A loving relationship takes ongoing effort - without it partners will drift apart and lose the caring and intimacy that keeps loneliness at bay.
It’s easy to become so focused on your own feelings that you stop recognizing how your partner is feeling or see the small changes in their behavior that offer clues.
If you’re feeling alone in your relationship, your partner may be too.
Although it can be difficult because of the distance that has grown between you, try finding time to start a heartfelt conversation about how you’re each feeling. Sharing these feelings can open the door to beginning to truly understand the problems that led you to this point.
This conversation(s) can also begin to bring you closer and help you remember why you fell in love in the first place.
You could also consider taking the initiative to create some new experiences for the two of you. Small activities like walking the dog or cooking together can bring you closer little by little.
Be careful about assuming you know what your partner is thinking or how they’ll respond to your efforts at conversation or activities. Too often, in a long-term relationship, we believe we already know how our partner will react or what they’ll say.
While you may know them well, and your predicting certain behaviors can be right on the money, emotional responses and deeper feelings can’t truly be understood without asking, no matter how long you’ve been together. This is especially true when it comes to how they feel about you.
The point is, if you’re feeling alone in a relationship, do something about it.
If you don’t know what to do, that’s okay - there’s help available. Sometimes, it requires the assistance of a professional counselor to show you how to get things back on track. But these experts can only help if you’re willing to see the warning signs and act.
Remember, if you do nothing, then nothing will change.
There’s nothing easy about feeling lonely in your relationship.
When the person in your world who’s supposed to be there for you, know you, love you, etc., makes you feel like an island in your own relationship - well, it’s heartbreaking.
Know that you’re not alone. This happens to many, many couples over the course of a long-term relationship. The good news is that it doesn't have to stay this way.
Keep in mind that,
Regardless of the reason, if you’re feeling lonely in your relationship that feeling should be considered a call to action.
Depending on the contributing factors and the length of time they’ve been present, you may need the assistance of an experienced couples counselor to help bring you back together.
You deserve a relationship that brings happiness and love to your life. If instead of that you’re feeling alone it’s up to you to change it.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published December 7, 2013, update on February 6, 2019, and has been updated again for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
Many husbands (and wives) are not "in love" with their partners any longer.
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I have no idea what to do about my relationship. We've been together for 15 years and it's been so lonely. No intimacy, very little affection, and no communication. The only time there's any affection is is when I'm giving it. I will be the one to kiss him or say I love you or rub his back. Our sex life is also almost nonexistent. It feels like he is not interested in my satisfaction and it is wam bam thank you ma'am. This is very upsetting, I can't even explain it. I just want to feel loved again by my husband.
Candace, See more of the articles in the Love Is Gone section to the right of this page, as well as Midlife Crisis. That may give you some insight to what's happening and will have some ideas and suggestions for you. -Kurt
I’ve been married for 13 years. It’s been a rocky road. We have struggled with the same issues for as long as I can remember. Zero intimacy, no kissing, cuddling, it feels like he doesn’t enjoy being around me. When I try to talk about our issues, he either shuts down completely or says I’m negative all the time. I feel like I can’t go on living. I’ve become so depressed that I can barely function each day. I feel so hopeless that I will ever feel happiness again. I don’t know what to do.
Hi RK, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. First, it sounds like it's time for you to look for ways beyond your relationship to find happiness and feel good about yourself. This could be hobbies, classes, a part-time job, or volunteer work. You need to recognize your own worth and feel good about who you are. Second, it's probably time for you and your husband to have a clear conversation about the state of your relationship and what you each need. Consider marriage counseling if you're having a hard time seeing eye-to-eye. But please take care of yourself. You are more than just a wife and mother - you are also a person with a great deal to offer. -Dr. Kurt
I just read your article about why men view pornography, then I clicked over to this article. The negative effects of pornography are...? Well, here is one of them. I feel alone in this relationship, and his viewing of pornography is one reason. Another is that rather than discuss something, he goes to bed or leaves the house. Anyway thank you.
I feel the same, ignored, alone I also just want my love life back. With my husband, but I don't think he even cares.
I know how you feel i am in the same situation you are i have spebt 27 years with this man i kove him with everything in me but like you we never have sex any more has been like that for the last 8 years no sex im sick of it i wanna leave so bad but i cant cause i love him so i am at my wits end but cant decide what to do im too damn old to start over i think im 51 and i ferl no one out thete wants an over weight woman thats been prisoned in a marriage for 27 years and thats what it feels like but with job market and such and being a house wife most of your life how i n the hell could you survivewith out bging homeless or living in a car
I think I just read how my life has been for 10 long years. In 53 and a little over weight plus I'm a smoker. I also feel I'm attractive and feel like an told lady. My guy says I'm attractive yet he barely remembers that I'm living here in my house too. He talks to our cats and to himself rather then talk to me. Kisses me off to no end. We've never gone away for even 1 night. Never get gifts on Christmas or my birthday. He is always outside tinkering in the shed he built, and when he has to be indoors, he constantly plays solitary. He doesn't share how he feels about anything. He's the kind of guy that can watch me cry and not react or even has the heart to comfort me. No sex life for a few year. Caught him looking at pork on his cell which made me feel aweful. I understand the fear of starting over again at our age. I wish I could tell you something that would help us both.
I’m scared to start over and I’m 31. Been married for 13 years and I’ve always been a housewife and mom of our two kids. I feel like I’m unworthy of love and that no one could ever want me. I feel unattractive and like I have nothing to offer. I feel trapped. I do t want out of my marriage, I want my life to be happy and fulfilling with my husband. But it never improves. What am I supposed to do? I’ve been holding on for 13 years hoping for some sort of improvement. But I feel so lonely that I’m afraid it’s killing me.
Feel alone even with my husband of 4 years
I have been married to my husband for a month. We have been together for 4 years and are the modern day Brady bunch. Three days before our wedding he almost called it off but after sitting down and talking he decided to go forward with it. After our wedding everything seemed so good I thought it was the stress of planning and the wedding putting the strain on our relationship. He was affectionate, attentive, and loving. Fast forward 1 month and he doesn't do anything affectionate towards me. He tries to justify his actions by saying he has never been affectionate. I feel alone. We are having a baby and maybe that has made it worse but I feel like I am completely alone in every aspect of our marriage. Like I am a single parent. He makes plans every weekend but not with me or our family. We don't spend time alone and only have sex if I initiate. I'm truly confused and disappointed. I have tried speaking to him and telling him how I feel he says he will try to do better then nothing changes. What else can I do. I'm having a hard time believing I can keep loving him when I don't feel love back
Jolynn, Getting married, having a blended family of many children and adding another can be a lot to take on. Since he was having doubts before the wedding, seeing a professional counselor might be a good step to take to get to the underlying issues. -Kurt