You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
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We’ve all experienced loneliness at one time or another. That feeling is one of the worst pains we can experience. What’s even worse, however, is feeling lonely and alone when you’re in a relationship.
Being in a relationship is supposed to make you happy and provide you with a sense of companionship - the opposite of feeling alone and lonely.
Sadly, for many, this isn’t the case.
So, the contradiction of feeling alone while in a relationship can cause confusion, discontent, and even hopelessness.
If we can’t feel connected in a relationship with someone who’s supposed to love us, then what hope is there that we’ll ever not feel alone?
Check out this post I wrote as an illustration.
Feeling alone in a relationship isn’t just a problem - it's also a call to action.
It's a warning sign that something's wrong and needs to be fixed. Too often, however, loneliness is ignored and accepted as normal.
I find that most people accept feeling lonely in their relationship way too long. Many assume that it’s a phase and it will change over time.
That’s almost never the case. Typically, it only gets worse.
At first, it may not even look or feel like you're alone. Many chalk it up to,
But over time these individual problems begin to add up, multiply, and become a generalized feeling about the relationship as a whole.
It's really important that we're proactive about addressing problems in our relationships.
Just like it's not smart to ignore the engine warning light on the dash of your car, the same goes to the warning signs at home. We all know that if we disregard that dash light it'll cost us more later on.
Feeling lonely is less about being physically alone and more about the quality of the connection you have with your partner.
If you’re in a relationship and feeling lonely, it’s likely that what you‘re really missing is a feeling of trust and understanding that comes with a close emotional connection.
Sadly, long-term relationships are prone to this.
People assume the love they shared at the beginning is enough to sustain them and keep them close forever.
Unfortunately, this just isn’t true.
A loving relationship takes ongoing effort - without it partners will drift apart and lose the caring and intimacy that keeps loneliness at bay.
It’s easy to become so focused on your own feelings that you stop recognizing how your partner is feeling or see the small changes in their behavior that offer clues.
If you’re feeling alone in your relationship, your partner may be too.
Although it can be difficult because of the distance that has grown between you, try finding time to start a heartfelt conversation about how you’re each feeling. Sharing these feelings can open the door to beginning to truly understand the problems that led you to this point.
This conversation(s) can also begin to bring you closer and help you remember why you fell in love in the first place.
You could also consider taking the initiative to create some new experiences for the two of you. Small activities like walking the dog or cooking together can bring you closer little by little.
Be careful about assuming you know what your partner is thinking or how they’ll respond to your efforts at conversation or activities. Too often, in a long-term relationship, we believe we already know how our partner will react or what they’ll say.
While you may know them well, and your predicting certain behaviors can be right on the money, emotional responses and deeper feelings can’t truly be understood without asking, no matter how long you’ve been together. This is especially true when it comes to how they feel about you.
The point is, if you’re feeling alone in a relationship, do something about it.
If you don’t know what to do, that’s okay - there’s help available. Sometimes, it requires the assistance of a professional counselor to show you how to get things back on track. But these experts can only help if you’re willing to see the warning signs and act.
Remember, if you do nothing, then nothing will change.
There’s nothing easy about feeling lonely in your relationship.
When the person in your world who’s supposed to be there for you, know you, love you, etc., makes you feel like an island in your own relationship - well, it’s heartbreaking.
Know that you’re not alone. This happens to many, many couples over the course of a long-term relationship. The good news is that it doesn't have to stay this way.
Keep in mind that,
Regardless of the reason, if you’re feeling lonely in your relationship that feeling should be considered a call to action.
Depending on the contributing factors and the length of time they’ve been present, you may need the assistance of an experienced couples counselor to help bring you back together.
You deserve a relationship that brings happiness and love to your life. If instead of that you’re feeling alone it’s up to you to change it.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published December 7, 2013, update on February 6, 2019, and has been updated again for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
Many husbands (and wives) are not "in love" with their partners any longer.
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It's so hard. My partner of 11 years told me he loves me...but he isn't happy. we got married last year and he said he hasn't been happy since. I feel alone. all I want is to cuddle him and make all his troubles disappear but I'm left tip toeing around trying my hardest not to irritate him. he doesn't see how stroppy he gets with me. he just sees me as being an irritation. he says he loves me. no one understands him like I do and he can't imagine living a life without me. yet he isn't happy with me and says he wants to be alone. he isn't attracted to me anymore. he is tired all the time and so stroppy. it hurts when I see how he can control his behaviour in front of others yet with me he acts as though I'm an annoyance. ...yet I love him.ive asked him to talk to someone. anyone! a friend. a Dr. but he says there's nothing wrong he just has to accept he will be unhappy forever. I've told him how I feel. I don't want to live my life unloved. I want kids. I want to take his pain away and I wanna stay with him but it's so hard to not feel loved. and I can't bring kids into a life like this. sorry for my rant. I just
My boyfriend says he loves me but his actions speak louder than his words. We haven’t had any real intimacy and whenever I ask he always has an excuse like he’s tired or too fat and feels self conscious. I’ve tried almost everything asking him to come work out, putting on sexy outfits, talking to him but nothing seems to work. A while back we had a fight because he kept pictures of my exfriend on his phone and I was so mortified, they weren’t nudes but it was enough to make me feel inadequate and ugly. He has hundreds of porn pictures and videos saved on my computer in a hidden file, and that also upsets me. At times I feel like I am asking for the world but then I have to take a step back and realize that I am not. I feel terribly lonely in this relationship, it’s causing me lots of stress and so far I’ve had at least two mini heart attacks. This relationship will surely be the death of me and it’s put me off of even dating entirely. Are most people so selfish that they can’t control themselves? I need help.
I don't know wthr my hus loves me or not. I feel lyk he is not happy tu b my hus. It's not evn a yr ovr sinc v got married.. Frm starting itself he acted d sam.. He nvr spnts tym wit me.. He is eithr bc wit work or is wit his frnds. Nevr evr col me or txtd me.. Cms vry late at nyt.. D sad thing is I nvr HD a feeling of newly married coupl.. V didn't evn had a honeymoon period.. Idk wthr he lyks me or not. Wenvr I ask him he says he vl nvr evr lev me.. Idk I feel so alon in dis marriage.. Without spntng tym togtr nor any communication.. Bt I Lov him so much.. I miss him terribly evrytym evryscnd of my lyf.
I have been married for nearly 25 years to a man who has never wanted to be very close. He never has wanted to talk about problems in our relationship. If he gets angry at me, usually for something for something so small that I can’t figure out what it even was, I get the silent treatment. I used to question him asking him over and over what I did, what was wrong and get the answer “Nothing” until finally he blows and reveals my transgression. It’s usually so minor that I can’t believe the punishment fit that crime. I work hard emotionally and physically and just feel like a housekeeper at this point. He not only ignores me, if I try to talk to him, he falls asleep. He will talk on the phone for hours to friends and family and then just hang up. He never shares the conversation with me. I have recently figured out after all these years that he truly is not interested in my opinions about anything so I’ve pretty much just stopped talking. He hasn’t seemed to notice. I’ve read articles on line about improving my relationship with him over and over. How many do you think he’s read? Most articles recommend being nicer and more understanding etc. like I said, I’m emotionally and physically worn out. At this point I’m just a worker here for his convenience apparently. I would leave but have no where to go and he’s managed to gain control of the finances. He refers to all of our possessions like the house and cars as his. I tried counseling but she just said get a divorce. If I didn’t have my dogs to care for I’m not sure I would keep on going.
Debra, Feeling hopeless is typical when you're in an abusive relationship, and you are, but it's not. If you're serious about hurting yourself, please contact the National Suicide Hotline is available 24/7 at 800-273-TALK (8255) or reach out to me using the Contact button at the bottom of this page. -Dr. Kurt
I have been with my husband since I was 15 years old. 32 years together, 27 years married. I love him with my whole heart and want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with him. Our years together have not been perfect as we both have had affairs. Him more than me, we have overcome a lot of things in our 32 years together that should’ve torn us apart. The problem is that I have always been up front and honest in owning up to my mistakes in our marriage, it’s been over 20 years since I last cheated on him. I am ashamed and very sorry for my actions, him not so much for his. He justifies his many affairs with finding ways to put the blame on me, and he is unapologetic for any of his wrong doings throughout our relationship. Our latest problem in our marriage appeared almost 2 years ago. My Dad passed away and I found out the hard way that I was all alone in this world. We camp with a group of people and my husband seems to be a hit with all the wives in our group. One younger wife in particular seems to be his focus and priority in our group. The night my father passed away, we were set to camp for the weekend at a race that my husband and grandson runs. I went to be with my family, my husband stayed at our campsite. He never thought once to call or text me to see how I was doing. It infuriates me that when I looked by through his messages that night, he was texting the younger wife that we camp with. This hurt and has me feeling like I’m all alone. I did express those feelings to him and he makes me out to be crazy telling me that I’m over reacting. Well for 2 years now we have had many arguments over this same woman, because we still race and camp with her. My husband always gravitates to her and a lot of times it will be just the two of them standing around talking, sitting by the fire together, or her helping him with things he should have my help with. I have expressed my concerns over and over with him and he swears it’s nothing more than a friendship. I have become withdrawn and will sit at my camper or inside my camper alone on our weekends. He is always outside talking to her. When I bring up how I feel, he tells me he’s not giving up his friendships for me. I’m at the point now to where this behavior has went on 2 years, too long! Am I crazy and overthinking or over reacting to the situation? I feel like I deserve his attention and if she wants attention and conversation then she needs to get that from her husband and not mine. I don’t want to come off as an over jealous or needy person, but I feel like he is giving her the time and attention that I crave from him. I don’t think they have had an actual sexual affair, yet, but I feel like it’s an emotional affair. It hurts me to my core and the more I express my hurt to him, the more he gravitates to her.
Heartbroken, No you're not "crazy and overthinking or over reacting." In fact, I would argue that you've under-reacted by putting up with this so long. Both marriages are suffering from his and her actions. You need help setting and holding some boundaries. -Dr. Kurt