You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
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Contents
Part 1 of 2
Have you ever thought your husband doesn't love you and wondered why?
Maybe you’ve asked him, and he says he does, but you still don't feel it.
Or maybe he says he's changed, or you've changed.
Perhaps he just ignores you.
Regardless, if you're left feeling confused and struggling with the painful thought, “He doesn't love me,” you undoubtedly want to know why and what you can do about it.
Feeling that your partner doesn’t love you is incredibly painful.
Unfortunately, that feeling isn’t uncommon in long-term relationships. But being common doesn’t mean it’s okay or healthy.
If you’re feeling that your husband no longer loves you, the good news is there’s probably something you can do about it.
When you love someone who doesn't love you back there are a variety of different scenarios that can occur.
If you're in a committed relationship with somebody, perhaps a marriage, it most likely started out as a loving relationship. And if it has now turned into one that feels one-sided then you’re probably feeling lonely, lost, and confused.
The typical reason for these feelings is the tendency for people to grow apart.
If we're not intentional about really growing the relationship and working at building love continually, we're going to slowly drift apart. This can happen to all couples if they’re not careful.
So, we all have to keep a focus on keeping love active and alive - nourishing it like we would a garden.
The answer to why he doesn’t love you can be partly found here – you’ve grown apart.
If he says you both have changed, and that's why he doesn't love you, the above is generally how that happens.
To help you begin to answer why he doesn't love you, let's look at some excerpts (in italics) from my Google Hangouts on Loving Someone Who Doesn't Love You.
There can be other things that can be contributing to growing apart. Attraction can be gone, and a lot of times when we hear that, in particular for men, we think it's sexual attraction. We don't find our partner sexually attractive. Actually, for a lot of guys it isn't so much that. A lot of times they just don't feel attracted to their partner because of some relationship and behavioral type things. I was working with a guy last year and he described his partner, when they would talk and deal with issues, like a pit bull who would just continually come after and after and after him. It wasn’t so much that he wasn’t attracted to her physically, he wasn’t attracted to her emotionally because of how she treated him.
In answering your question, why he doesn't love me, you've got to be willing to look at yourself too and see how you could be contributing to his not feeling love towards you.
So, the attraction can take on several different components, which can lead into us feeling like we don't love the other person and then the other person feels like their loving someone who doesn't love them back. Other things that can develop a lot of times when we are not feeling loved is we can reach outside the relationship. We run into affairs happening. Sometimes there can be midlife crisis events happening for people. A lot of times that’s what men struggle with. Or there can be other things that are taking attention away, like porn and those types of things.
If it feels like your husband no longer loves you it doesn’t have to be the end of your marriage.
There are actually ways to bring love back, but doing that will take some work.
It may also mean facing some uncomfortable truths about yourself and your contribution to the current circumstances. In a situation like this some fault usually lies on both sides. That can be difficult to accept.
The upside, however, is that it also means you have some power to change things.
How?
You can’t force him to love you, but you can choose behaviors that remind him of the person he fell in love with and why he loved you in the first place.
We all grow and change, there’s nothing wrong with that. But if you’ve lost sight of who are or were, or have become someone you don’t recognize, then chances are he’s noticed too.
Love seems simple, but it’s really pretty complicated. And feeling like your husband doesn't love you anymore is one of the most difficult complications.
If you’re feeling like your husband’s stopped loving you, remember the following:
This is just the first stage of beginning to understand why you feel he doesn't love me, and the possible reasons why he really may not love you, at least not like he used to.
In the next article, When He Doesn't Love You Back, we'll discuss some of the other factors in why couples don't love each other anymore.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published Aug 31, 2013 updated on September 29, 2020, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
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I am not a psychologist by trade, but I do know about women and what we experince and feel. Often men will say that women sould not comment on a blog for men, but don't we women allowmen to be gynecologists, lactation consultants, curst up in the delivery room space ( our dads, step dads, brothers, uncles, FIL, grandpas and the like) when we are laboring and being checked. so if you do that then please give us space here.
Comment to husbands: don't be so quick to get turned off from your wife when she sins, as we stil get turned on by you all when you sins angainst us. Men should not aallow his ego and feeling of I should never be cahllenged by my wife.
Heck, if we as wives and mothers can put up with all the drama and the repsnsibilities of you and the children and your boundary viloating parents, then you ought to be able to take a bit of talkativemness from your wife.
Sorry about the incorrect spellings on my last comment, I was typing by tv light. I then bumped the keyboard before I knew what was happening, and it was posted. Sorry!
Wow! What a great post.I just found this blog. I'll definitely be back.
What a great talk, this was my first and I'll come back again for some more. Thank you to everyone involved, I learned a lot.
Julie, Glad to hear it. -Kurt
Really is discouraging to women to know that men stop loving women for some stupid things that the man finds unattractive.
Yet and still women tend to put up with a whole lot of unattractive habits and behaviors from our men, and still remain in love with them. This really happens.
This happens quite a lot with man-woman relationships. You know, maybe one good solution to help women survive these relationships, would be for some other females to teach us how not to fall so deeply in love with our men.
This might protect women from cold hearted men, since we keep seeing these articles and hearing psychologists tell us that men get turned off from women so easily. We really have to help women wake up and learn some sense. When will women get it? Or will women continue to be foolish for men and allow themselves to be used and thrown away?
Jean, Good questions. I think falling deeply in love is a completely different issue from "allow themselves to be used and thrown away." The first does not have to lead to the latter. -Kurt