Overthinking in a relationship is a problem, but it’s not unbeatable. Use the tips below, to stop spiraling through the cycle of overthinking in your relationship.
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We get a lot of questions regarding separation, divorce, and dating. Many of them center around when it’s okay to start dating again and if it’s okay to do so while you’re separated but still married.
There are many variations of separation and divorce, but for all of them the challenges and problems remain the same. Dating while separated or even newly divorced may seem okay, but there are many unforeseen pitfalls.
Below is a question a reader sent about dating a married woman who is separated and my answer.
Reader Question:
I have been dating a married woman who is separated for about a month, but we both agree it feels like we have known or been dating for years. She has been separated for over a year, but her husband has been dragging the divorce out. She was married to this individual for 10 years. She is now 35. I am 38 and never been married. She has been dating prior to me, but I don't think it has been as serious as us. Things had been going really well until this last week and could feel her getting a bit distant. I finally asked her about it last night and of course it was a bit late. I asked if she did not feel the same way about me as she did. She said no she does. She felt circumstances were freaking her out. She is still married and doesn't know if she got into a serious relationship with me because she still is. I feel like she is scared of our relationship for fear it may end up again like her last? I have been treating her like I treat my other relationships, but I don't think she has been treated this well or nicely. I believe this may be adding to the freak out. I asked if she felt like she was missing out on some part of life of not being married? She said no again. What should I be asking or saying?" -Richard L.
Richard isn’t alone in his confusion.
The process of divorcing takes some time and many people are eager to move on with their lives and find someone new while still in it. That’s understandable, but there are many issues that will arise for both the person going through the separation and the person they’re dating.
Here’s the answer I gave him.
My Answer:
A common mistake a lot of people make is getting involved in a new relationship while an old one is still unresolved. And I don't just mean unresolved in regard to the divorce process being finished, but unresolved psychologically and emotionally as well.
A typical scenario is that when people finally decide to separate, often after years of being unhappily married, they immediately start looking for a more positive relationship.
They want to feel,
Again, this desire is understandable, but it usually leads to getting involved in a new relationship too soon after the separation.
I'm counseling a man right now who within weeks of finding out that his wife was cheating on him, separated and started dating.
Within 60 days of separating, he was in a pretty serious new relationship. That was 2 years ago and he admits now that he jumped into the new relationship way too soon. And as a result, it didn't last.
While I can't say precisely what's going on with the woman you're dating, Richard. I can say that dating a married woman who is separated is complicated.
I would bet that the emotional and psychological baggage of her marriage is causing your girlfriend to become distant.
What can you ask or say?
Probably not much, other than suggesting that the marriage she’s leaving is having an effect on you guys and there are things that she still needs to resolve.
Here are some suggestions for what you can do now:
It sounds like she's not ready to have the relationship you want right now.
Sometimes the timing is just not right. This doesn't have to mean that you can never have a relationship with her, but waiting until she’s in a better place will greatly increase the likelihood of success.
People who are separated or in the process of divorcing have likely struggled with their prior relationship for a long time.
Divorce typically isn’t an overnight decision.
Because there’s probably been years of growing resentment and distance, it’s not uncommon for one or both partners to crave attention and affection. To put it simply – they’re love starved.
They typically feel a combination of negative, uncomfortable emotions. Such as –
And they’re eager to feel a positive, romantic connection with someone - sometimes anyone - again.
Because of this a person who’s still married but separated is vulnerable to making poor choices when it comes to dating.
This doesn’t mean that you, as the person they want to date, are a poor choice, but that during this confusing time they’re either,
or
what they can really give to a relationship and their own current emotional state.
If you’re considering dating a woman (or man) who’s married but separated it would be wise to reconsider.
As strong as the attraction may be, the likelihood that the relationship will last is small. And taking that chance will put in you in a very real position to be hurt.
It will also cause problems for the other person and limit their healing.
If the connection between the two of you is strong enough, it’ll survive the time he or she needs to become someone fully available and ready to commit to a new relationship. The benefit will be a relationship that’s much more stable and less complicated as a result of you both waiting.
To say dating while separated isn’t ideal is an understatement. Relationships that begin during this emotional and logistical grey area are set up to fail and therefore cause pain for both partners.
If you’re currently dating someone, or considering dating someone, who’s going through a separation, keep the following in mind:
If you’re dating a woman who’s married but separated, take a lesson from Richard’s story and wait. Both of you will be happier in the end.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published June 5, 2010, updated on November 27, 2018 and has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Overthinking in a relationship is a problem, but it’s not unbeatable. Use the tips below, to stop spiraling through the cycle of overthinking in your relationship.
Overthinking is like being on a mental hamster wheel – lots of energy expended, ultimately getting you nowhere.
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Plain and simple, you were the appetizer not the entree. She doesn't need you anymore, don't take it personal because she used you. Next time don't make so much of an emotional investment and you will keep your intellectual capital intact.
Been there Bro...
Hello,
Yes I would let you know that you only have one person to blame and that is yourself for not seeing what you had in your wife before you went out on her. That is probably not what you want to hear and probably doesn't make you feel better but is the truth. The saying is " you reap what you sow".
My advice is to move on Your relationship is broken and you will never repair it. You must build a new relationship with a new woman built on trust and then keep up your end of the bargain.
I am in a similar situation. We have been together for 11 months. She is now backing off and asked for taking a break. Divorce, her daughter 9 y.o is broken by the separation of her parents, she loves her father and of course "dislike" me being around her father. Look deeper, try to make the best bet and put words in her mouth. Likewise, my g/f since we started the break has been very cold, sending short email as to "conditions and terms" to cancel a cruise we planned together in March 17 as well as canceling a room we booked from her g/f. It may be also due to the emotional rebound that the divorce is causing to her. Leave her space, she may need it, try to find if there is nothing else, I don't think so... I speculate it may simply be the divorce finalized. I don't buy the "do not date a separated woman" especially after one year... just try to understand, best case scenario, she needs a break... plan for the worst and hope for the best.
Kurt,
Thanks for the articles. I am doing the long distance dating thing with someone who has been separated for over a yr. Pretty bad marriage and he is stonewalling the divorce efforts. He is paying for her attorney and perhaps that is also why things are not moving forward.
And...she will just go dark for a couple of weeks where I won't hear from her.
I assume this is all normal behavior for someone separated?
I am dating others but am hoping we can connect in a few months..hoping things will be better then.
Should I email her every few weeks to stay in touch?
thanks
James, Glad you find the articles helpful. I can't condone a relationship with someone who is married, no matter what the state of that marriage. This article may help explain where she is, although without knowing her, there's no way for me to know: http://www.guystuffcounseling.com/counseling-men-blog/bid/87828/dating-while-separated-5-reasons-to-say-no. - Dr. Kurt
James & Dr. Kurt,
James seems to be in the situation I was, previously discusssed, 5 years ago. Long distance, on her own, no movement toward divorce. She says all the right things....sometimes. But her actions and behavior are inconsistent and often confusing. I ask myself, with all of this, when is an affair no longer an affair but a relationship. 5 years is a long time to be together, a lot of history, great times, not so great. Yet nothing changes. She's complacent and doesn't need to change anything. Why her estranged husband puts up with it after 5+ years of separation is beyond me. Continue to live YOUR life, if it's meant to be, it will be.
thanks Ron... I appreciate it
Just returned from a few days out of town with my separated (5 years) not divorced girlfriend. Overall we had a wonderful time, but I discovered she's still texting/talking to her estranged husband pretty much daily. I saw some text messages where she could have copy and pasted what she sent to him, then sent to me. Crazy, I know. It's been 5+ years that we've been together. When I asked her about her situation with her estranged husband she responded that she has to be nice so when she DOES file for divorce it will go well. Really? I now believe that I am the good guy (supportive, loving, intimate, caring, strong) that she wants. The opposite of her husband. I think she's hoping he'll change and be more like me.....in the meantime I don't get the commitment or any affirmation that she wants a long term future with me. it's frustrating and I get angry at myself for putting up with this. I don;t want to be controlling and suspicious but Come on...
Hi Ron this is exactly my story. 4 years on and she filed for divorce 8 weeks ago but still going out drinking with him as husband/wife, not rtelling me that she isgoing out, just to make things easier in the final divorce. I was furious but was told I was being suspicious and too questioning, that I have trust issues etc. Should I wait another 12 weeks for the divorce or run?
thanks Kurt, I read that article before.
I am looking to play the long game and hopefully connect with her against after she is available. Are the odds still against me here?
married to the love of my wife for more than 33 years.