Overthinking in a relationship is a problem, but it’s not unbeatable. Use the tips below, to stop spiraling through the cycle of overthinking in your relationship.
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We get a lot of questions regarding separation, divorce, and dating. Many of them center around when it’s okay to start dating again and if it’s okay to do so while you’re separated but still married.
There are many variations of separation and divorce, but for all of them the challenges and problems remain the same. Dating while separated or even newly divorced may seem okay, but there are many unforeseen pitfalls.
Below is a question a reader sent about dating a married woman who is separated and my answer.
Reader Question:
I have been dating a married woman who is separated for about a month, but we both agree it feels like we have known or been dating for years. She has been separated for over a year, but her husband has been dragging the divorce out. She was married to this individual for 10 years. She is now 35. I am 38 and never been married. She has been dating prior to me, but I don't think it has been as serious as us. Things had been going really well until this last week and could feel her getting a bit distant. I finally asked her about it last night and of course it was a bit late. I asked if she did not feel the same way about me as she did. She said no she does. She felt circumstances were freaking her out. She is still married and doesn't know if she got into a serious relationship with me because she still is. I feel like she is scared of our relationship for fear it may end up again like her last? I have been treating her like I treat my other relationships, but I don't think she has been treated this well or nicely. I believe this may be adding to the freak out. I asked if she felt like she was missing out on some part of life of not being married? She said no again. What should I be asking or saying?" -Richard L.
Richard isn’t alone in his confusion.
The process of divorcing takes some time and many people are eager to move on with their lives and find someone new while still in it. That’s understandable, but there are many issues that will arise for both the person going through the separation and the person they’re dating.
Here’s the answer I gave him.
My Answer:
A common mistake a lot of people make is getting involved in a new relationship while an old one is still unresolved. And I don't just mean unresolved in regard to the divorce process being finished, but unresolved psychologically and emotionally as well.
A typical scenario is that when people finally decide to separate, often after years of being unhappily married, they immediately start looking for a more positive relationship.
They want to feel,
Again, this desire is understandable, but it usually leads to getting involved in a new relationship too soon after the separation.
I'm counseling a man right now who within weeks of finding out that his wife was cheating on him, separated and started dating.
Within 60 days of separating, he was in a pretty serious new relationship. That was 2 years ago and he admits now that he jumped into the new relationship way too soon. And as a result, it didn't last.
While I can't say precisely what's going on with the woman you're dating, Richard. I can say that dating a married woman who is separated is complicated.
I would bet that the emotional and psychological baggage of her marriage is causing your girlfriend to become distant.
What can you ask or say?
Probably not much, other than suggesting that the marriage she’s leaving is having an effect on you guys and there are things that she still needs to resolve.
Here are some suggestions for what you can do now:
It sounds like she's not ready to have the relationship you want right now.
Sometimes the timing is just not right. This doesn't have to mean that you can never have a relationship with her, but waiting until she’s in a better place will greatly increase the likelihood of success.
People who are separated or in the process of divorcing have likely struggled with their prior relationship for a long time.
Divorce typically isn’t an overnight decision.
Because there’s probably been years of growing resentment and distance, it’s not uncommon for one or both partners to crave attention and affection. To put it simply – they’re love starved.
They typically feel a combination of negative, uncomfortable emotions. Such as –
And they’re eager to feel a positive, romantic connection with someone - sometimes anyone - again.
Because of this a person who’s still married but separated is vulnerable to making poor choices when it comes to dating.
This doesn’t mean that you, as the person they want to date, are a poor choice, but that during this confusing time they’re either,
or
what they can really give to a relationship and their own current emotional state.
If you’re considering dating a woman (or man) who’s married but separated it would be wise to reconsider.
As strong as the attraction may be, the likelihood that the relationship will last is small. And taking that chance will put in you in a very real position to be hurt.
It will also cause problems for the other person and limit their healing.
If the connection between the two of you is strong enough, it’ll survive the time he or she needs to become someone fully available and ready to commit to a new relationship. The benefit will be a relationship that’s much more stable and less complicated as a result of you both waiting.
To say dating while separated isn’t ideal is an understatement. Relationships that begin during this emotional and logistical grey area are set up to fail and therefore cause pain for both partners.
If you’re currently dating someone, or considering dating someone, who’s going through a separation, keep the following in mind:
If you’re dating a woman who’s married but separated, take a lesson from Richard’s story and wait. Both of you will be happier in the end.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published June 5, 2010, updated on November 27, 2018 and has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Overthinking in a relationship is a problem, but it’s not unbeatable. Use the tips below, to stop spiraling through the cycle of overthinking in your relationship.
Overthinking is like being on a mental hamster wheel – lots of energy expended, ultimately getting you nowhere.
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The only thing I could tell you as being a husband in the same situation. You should have respected her from the beginning. No man should get involved with a married woman plain and simple. You should have given her the space by telling her that you think she should find closure first with the ex before jumping into something new with you. All you did is confuse her more and take advantage of her while she is vulnerable. A hurt, confused women will enter a new relationship very fast because she is in pain and looking for comfort and an ear.
In other words you are just a rebound guy
We are still dating. And everything is going great. Even after 8 months do you still think in your opinion in the rebound guy?
Also. Btw. She came after ME. She chased me. Not the other way around. On a dating site. I could see if like she wasn't ready and I chased her. But he going out of the way and apply on a dating website and chase me, I feel like she was ready.
I should also note. I learned since then that she did go out to bars. She did do stuff with a guy friend to "let it all out". She also talked to a guy for a week before me.
So im the wife & my husband & I have been on &off for 11 yrs not leagally separated, not divorced,, just apart on our own. We both have a boyfrnd & girlfrnd but We have children together & have been talking about reconcilling t1 last time but the woman ves been seeing is living in his house & wont get out. She told him she had nowhere to go & when he said she could stay he did'nt know she was a full fledged alcoholic. She goes into drunk rages and becomes violent. She has hit him in the head with a hammer & I know he is afraid of her which is why he don't call the police. She came to my house kicking my door and cursing because i left a note for him on his door. He is afraid of what she might do to him ir me & our teenage son if he calls the police. We want to get back together what can We do? Safely.
Sunny, This is more complicated than can be answered in this small forum. Most importantly, remove yourself and kids from any dangerous situations. Do an online search for a local shelter or you can also call the national hotline at 800-799-7233 for help 24/7. -Kurt
hi I would like to share my relationship with a divorce process in progress girl having 1 kid 7 yrs.
She was my collegemate that time I proposed her but she rejected me.
Afterwards she went with guy who she loved then after few months living relationships they got married.after a long 2 years I had contacted with her through facebook.she statred chating with me and we both became loved each other very fastly.that time her son was 2 yrs old. By that time relationship we shared everything including sex oraly.but after 2 months she told me to get away bcz she cant cheat her husband.
Then she left me for 6 months then again we contacted through phone but in a friendly talk happend for 6 months.she was joined in college for continuing her study those times.that time she came where I was working for an interview with his 2 boy class mates.she told me to arrange 1 room for them .but for me it was not got digested bcz of doubts.i refused and taken 2 rooms for them and seperated her from the boys and I stayed with those boys. After that she left me completely. Again after 2 yrs I got to know that she is going to divorce.I was shocked and I called her a bad word to her through fb.then she replied and we again started chating.i went to her place to see her on her b day.given gift and kissed her in a park.that time I was felt that she is telling everything to me..she told her husband had other relationship that is the reason they are going to seperate.after I came back to my place I called her daily for a month.but when I told her I am again coming her place to see her she told she got a job where her sister living.she went there after words she is decreased the calls.she told her md also from her native place with a smile.but one day she told she s coming back to her native place for some hostel vaccating for 3 days.i told I will come there.but she rejected me to come there bcz of her family knowing issues.after words she was not picked her phone for entire day she was planned to go.i got angry and I send some nasty text messages to her.she got angry and told me not to contact her in the next day.but I agin tried...she avoided me maximum...after that I tried some good messages thorough fb.again 6 months gone she replied but I could not see any interested reply.only she answer what I will ask.by the time she was asking me to marry other girl and she is telling she wont a have again a married life and all.she told me that her md was asked her that if she can him a child.so she left that job n working in another place but she wont share the place and phone number with me.again recently she fought with me for small reason and blocked me from the face book.what shoul I do I m deeply loving her and my age is around 31 parents are saying to marry.but I forget her.i am expecting she will unblock me.but will that happen? Or she is faking me?can any one help me?
Sai, This is very complicated for this small forum. See the Love Is Gone section on the right of this page. There are some articles there you might find helpful. -Kurt
Hi wanted comment and get feedback . I was in a relationship with a separated married woman for 4yrs and recently still am it's hard to explain though. She was separated a yr prior us getting together. We lived together for 3.5 yrs. I moved out due to her inability to keep a job and irisponsible with money. I was to blame also . I'm a musician flirted a lil with some girls on social media but never acted on. 2months after I moved found she got back and he was living with her . We still kept in touch he left her we decided to get a place together after she spilt she stayed 2weeks then moved in with her mom . Later got kicked out of her house due to drinking and partying. She moved in with her daughter later found out she got back with him again . She wanted to remain fwb . I need to anyone in similar situation or advice . We had a really deep connection. I feel unable to let her go despite the pain I feel . Please offer your advice anyone
Thank-you
I saw this article, having Google to get a man's perspective because my guy is about as quiet as can be when it comes to saying what's really going on in his head. We've been together for 6 months, and I've been separated from my husband for about 10.
After 9 years of a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage, things finally came to a head and, after a visit from the local pd, I finally had the courage to make my ex leave.
The last 4 years of my marriage had been spent in a holding pattern, trying to get myself situated so I could be free. Id fully expected to be divorced by now, but life happens. Tomorrow, I am meeting with my lawyer with all my paperwork and a freshly written check to get this ball rolling.
I havent had feelings for my ex in so long that there was never a grieving period. Just a sense of relief. It was finally over. I am now almost 35 and I want my chance to do it over, this time the right (aka, not the "oh crap I'm pregnant") way. I want a real life, a real marriage with a real husband, not a owner. I want the chance to discuss if we want kids and to know what it's like, if I decide I want more, to deliberately create one with a man I love. And, I'm not sorry I feel that way. Sometimes I wonder if my bf is truly disturbed thst I'm not divorced yet, hough he'd never tell me if he is. I really live him-- he's an amazing man and I could see myself going the distance with him, despite his faults and mine.
Sometimes he divorce takes time, but the closure was over and done with so many years prior that there's no grieving for the loss. It's a tumor that's being removed, not the death of something that once held promise.
And so, don't judge all women as rebounding or unsure. Yes, I need to get my marriage to be legally over before my guy and I can go further, and I'm trying hard to get it there, but that doesn't mean th feelings aren't there or that I'm playing him. Sometimes, it's frightening-- not the end, but that once those papers or filed, someone you'll be permanently attached to theough children will make your life a living hell...