Overthinking in a relationship is a problem, but it’s not unbeatable. Use the tips below, to stop spiraling through the cycle of overthinking in your relationship.
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We get a lot of questions regarding separation, divorce, and dating. Many of them center around when it’s okay to start dating again and if it’s okay to do so while you’re separated but still married.
There are many variations of separation and divorce, but for all of them the challenges and problems remain the same. Dating while separated or even newly divorced may seem okay, but there are many unforeseen pitfalls.
Below is a question a reader sent about dating a married woman who is separated and my answer.
Reader Question:
I have been dating a married woman who is separated for about a month, but we both agree it feels like we have known or been dating for years. She has been separated for over a year, but her husband has been dragging the divorce out. She was married to this individual for 10 years. She is now 35. I am 38 and never been married. She has been dating prior to me, but I don't think it has been as serious as us. Things had been going really well until this last week and could feel her getting a bit distant. I finally asked her about it last night and of course it was a bit late. I asked if she did not feel the same way about me as she did. She said no she does. She felt circumstances were freaking her out. She is still married and doesn't know if she got into a serious relationship with me because she still is. I feel like she is scared of our relationship for fear it may end up again like her last? I have been treating her like I treat my other relationships, but I don't think she has been treated this well or nicely. I believe this may be adding to the freak out. I asked if she felt like she was missing out on some part of life of not being married? She said no again. What should I be asking or saying?" -Richard L.
Richard isn’t alone in his confusion.
The process of divorcing takes some time and many people are eager to move on with their lives and find someone new while still in it. That’s understandable, but there are many issues that will arise for both the person going through the separation and the person they’re dating.
Here’s the answer I gave him.
My Answer:
A common mistake a lot of people make is getting involved in a new relationship while an old one is still unresolved. And I don't just mean unresolved in regard to the divorce process being finished, but unresolved psychologically and emotionally as well.
A typical scenario is that when people finally decide to separate, often after years of being unhappily married, they immediately start looking for a more positive relationship.
They want to feel,
Again, this desire is understandable, but it usually leads to getting involved in a new relationship too soon after the separation.
I'm counseling a man right now who within weeks of finding out that his wife was cheating on him, separated and started dating.
Within 60 days of separating, he was in a pretty serious new relationship. That was 2 years ago and he admits now that he jumped into the new relationship way too soon. And as a result, it didn't last.
While I can't say precisely what's going on with the woman you're dating, Richard. I can say that dating a married woman who is separated is complicated.
I would bet that the emotional and psychological baggage of her marriage is causing your girlfriend to become distant.
What can you ask or say?
Probably not much, other than suggesting that the marriage she’s leaving is having an effect on you guys and there are things that she still needs to resolve.
Here are some suggestions for what you can do now:
It sounds like she's not ready to have the relationship you want right now.
Sometimes the timing is just not right. This doesn't have to mean that you can never have a relationship with her, but waiting until she’s in a better place will greatly increase the likelihood of success.
People who are separated or in the process of divorcing have likely struggled with their prior relationship for a long time.
Divorce typically isn’t an overnight decision.
Because there’s probably been years of growing resentment and distance, it’s not uncommon for one or both partners to crave attention and affection. To put it simply – they’re love starved.
They typically feel a combination of negative, uncomfortable emotions. Such as –
And they’re eager to feel a positive, romantic connection with someone - sometimes anyone - again.
Because of this a person who’s still married but separated is vulnerable to making poor choices when it comes to dating.
This doesn’t mean that you, as the person they want to date, are a poor choice, but that during this confusing time they’re either,
or
what they can really give to a relationship and their own current emotional state.
If you’re considering dating a woman (or man) who’s married but separated it would be wise to reconsider.
As strong as the attraction may be, the likelihood that the relationship will last is small. And taking that chance will put in you in a very real position to be hurt.
It will also cause problems for the other person and limit their healing.
If the connection between the two of you is strong enough, it’ll survive the time he or she needs to become someone fully available and ready to commit to a new relationship. The benefit will be a relationship that’s much more stable and less complicated as a result of you both waiting.
To say dating while separated isn’t ideal is an understatement. Relationships that begin during this emotional and logistical grey area are set up to fail and therefore cause pain for both partners.
If you’re currently dating someone, or considering dating someone, who’s going through a separation, keep the following in mind:
If you’re dating a woman who’s married but separated, take a lesson from Richard’s story and wait. Both of you will be happier in the end.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published June 5, 2010, updated on November 27, 2018 and has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Overthinking in a relationship is a problem, but it’s not unbeatable. Use the tips below, to stop spiraling through the cycle of overthinking in your relationship.
Overthinking is like being on a mental hamster wheel – lots of energy expended, ultimately getting you nowhere.
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Gentlemen I hope you can enlighten me please. Firstly my husband of 17yrs cheated on me and left our family. It didn't work out but he continued dating being intimate for over a year of separation with others. He denied it but eventually told me. Hurt me like ceazy and obviously we can't reconcile when others are in the mix.
To the men out there can I get honest advice please. I do live him. Hate what he's done. I am christian and will forgive. But he won't return as he is having fun. However he tries to visit text have family time with us and even tries to come on to me. But says won't return. I don't know how to react. Do I shut him out as ungodly as it is. Do I suck it up and let him play me. What is a girl to do. I am waiting faithfully for him as we aren't divorced.
Hi there Tobe, thought Id drop a line, as I found your article interesting. Firstly the trust has already been broken and it will not change. You have to draw the line once and for all, remember he maybe the kids father, he may like being in your company but from what I read, you may have to close this chapter. I feel for your situation as its broken your heart. Don't let him into your head, hes playing games and he knows what hes doing. My ex partner ran a life of lies and I ended up raising 2 kids as a single dad, and they are now teenagers. best thing was I opened my eyes and saw the bigger picture. I eventually moved on and are so much happier these days. And the same goes for you...your happiness is more important than someone who cheats around. Letting him in and out of your life doesn't work, but allowing yourself to think clearer and are at peace with yourself with that baggage works in your favour. Best wishes
Thank you for your feedback Ollie
Forgetaboutit. You're too good, too nice. Don't let Christian guilt drive you.
tobe, There's nothing "ungodly" about setting boundaries with him while "others are in the mix." Ungodly is letting him play you and your accepting his ungodly behavior. -Kurt
Thank you Kurt!
Tobe, I know your post is from last year but I wanted to respond to it. How are you being ungodly when your husband cheated on you? Doesn't the bible state that adultery is a reasonable cause for divorce? I am a Christian myself but I don't see how you cannot choose to move on with your life away from him at this point?
Yep sure is OVER
I've been dating this girl for 3 months now. She was married for 9 years. Her official divorce is in a week. (Waiting 6 months for a divorce with a guy that cheated on you is dumb). Her husband cheated on her about 10 months ago. He told her he didn't love her 3 years ago and she told me they never really really loved each other bc of the way he acted and treated his drugs and beer. No physical abuse or anything. Just wasn't happy. During the last year of her marriage she rediscovered herself and lost weight. So I feel she doesn't need that rediscovery phase anymore. She did go through the mourning phase for a month or so but she said she wasn't THAT sad about it because she felt like she never truely loved him. So I don't feel like a rebound or anything. She never talks about him unless I do. She is VERY affectionate. She told me that the very first week before we even meet each other. But that's making me scared thinking that she's so affectionate with me she might be using me even subliminally for affection. Any comments?
I also forgot to add. She was/is a JW. 2 months before she started dating me she decided to stop going to meetings and the such and she told me its bc she was ready to start her life anew. Which makes me think she's ready. But is she?
I've been married 20 years my wife and I have roller coaster marriage. I've dealt with her nagging me , putting me down leaving in the bar leaving with her friends, blaming me for everything weather I'm at fault or not. Showing her breast to strangers etc. I ended up having a once a week sexual fling for a year but I ended it because I still wanted my wife and other person wife phsyco as well. 8 years later she is still throwing this in my face. 3 counselors later she still insist I'm at fault for everything . and thinks we should keep marriage as is. No intimacy no passion no sex nothing .
Mike , I have a no passion, nothing physical not even a hug and no sex for 13 years. If the pieces fit together and I fell in love with someone, I would be gone in a heartbeat. Not that I should be alone first, its just the way I am. I love to be in love. I have been alone, I am alone. I'm only 59 I can't live my life like this. No passion is a good way to freeze to death. I will leave whether I find some one . It will happen. We are roommates. I believe in the fairytale and it will happen